COPS NAB STARBUCKS FRAPPA-BOMBER!

The man alleged to have masterminded Wednesday's attack on a sarcastic Starbucks customer was arrested yesterday, bringing to six the number of eco-tourists taken into custody as a result of the near fatal assault. Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm was arrested after a three hour standoff with police in the Southeastern part of the city, where he was spotted earlier in the day at a nearby Starbucks ordering an unidentified frozen, nonfat, soy milk, extra room for cream and butter fat, candy sprinkles on top, but no whip Starbucks beverage. According to police, an alert customer spotted the suspect after seeing web casts of security camera video broadcast on a popular website.

"The citizen was surfing the Internet on his laptop, enjoying a 'decaf-no whip-leave-room-for cream-Cafe-Americano' when he came across the video on YouTube," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "He apparently recognized the gentleman's bad dye job and sent us an email while the guy was still ordering his drink. Fortunately, it was a long order which, under normal circumstances, would have given us plenty of time to get there."

Police officials report they arrived at the Starbucks within 40 minutes. Officials attribute the delay to an overturned donut truck which they encountered en route.

"Officers were concerned that the cargo might have been in jeopardy so we issued an All Points Bulletin. They also thought that the driver might be injured. Unfortunately, in situations like these, we have to prioritize."

Police say most of the donuts were rescued. However, as of midnight last night, approximately 16 dozen were still unaccounted for. The truck driver was admitted to the hospital with superficial injuries. Approximately nine officers were treated at the scene for indigestion and hypoglycemia.

Officials say the accident prevented officers from reaching the Starbucks before the alleged Frappa-bomber could escape. However, the alert citizen who originally called police followed Fishbalm to a nearby park.

"He was drinking some type of giant frozen mocha drink. I figured he couldn't get far after consuming that many calories," said Seymour Hynie. "After he left the Starbucks, he said goodbye to the barista and started out across the street. The first thing he did was hassle this old man about using plastic shopping bags. The old guy must have been eighty years old and didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Then I saw him go into the PETA Headquarters."

Police cordoned off the area but the suspect held them at bay for approximately three hours. During the ordeal, Fishbalm made numerous and somewhat outrageous demands.

"First he wanted a vegetarian pizza," said Officer Tyrone Shoelaces, "then he changed the order to a vegan pizza. I don't even know what a Vegan IS. My partner said it had something to do with Mr. Spock in Star Trek. I said, man, you crazy! That dude don't want no Star Trek pizza!"

According to Cpl. Chino, the suspect's demands increased and became more eccentric. "After the pizza incident, he demanded a free range chicken salad sandwich wrapped in recycled paper. So we got him a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub from Subway®. When he saw that it arrived in a non-bio-degradable plastic sack, he almost lost it. After that, he started screaming something about turning all the streets into bike paths and making it illegal to drive anything but a Prius."

Police say Fishbalm threatened officers numerous times by pointing a double barrelled shotgun in their direction. Though he claimed it was loaded with organic rainforest crunch, forensic tests showed that the ammunition was actually crushed Cheetoes.

"We were concerned that one of our officers might take a direct hit from a dried cranberry or pine nut," said Cpl. Chino. "So we decided to back off and give him room."

Eventually, officers convinced Fishbalm to surrender and he was taken into custody without further incident.

"Our negotiators agreed to put him in a cell with a .75-gallon-flush-water-conserving-toilet," said Cpl. Chino. "He also wanted all the showers in the County Detention Center installed with Niagara Conservation N2130 Low Flow Showerheads. But we told him he should take up that issue with the warden and the rest of the inmates on D-block, heh heh."

According to the official police reports, Fishbalm is 28 years old, unemployed, and lives in his parents' basement. He reportedly has never had a girlfriend. Last night, neighbors along the tree lined street where his parents reside described him as extremely annoying and quarrelsome.

Hugh Jorgan, who lives across the street from Woodrow and Hazel Fishbalm, described Fishbalm as an "eco-Nazi".

"Every time you tried to grill something in the backyard, Hermie would knock on your door and ask what you planned to do about carbon offsets. I was cooking a frickin hot dog! I told him to get the hell out of here and go get a job."

Another neighbor, who asked not to be identified, described a recent run-in with Fishbalm that occurred approximately two years ago.

"I was weeding my garden and he starts yelling at me, accusing me of murdering defenseless plants. My husband sprayed him with the garden hose so he left."

Starbucks "Wiseass" Critical, Taunted by Eco-Tourists

A man attacked by a group of eco-tourists at Starbucks on Wednesday remained in critical condition, suffering from frostbite and complications resulting from overdoses of caffeine and sugar. Police officials say the eco-tourists hurled a frozen Frappacino® drink at the man, who allegedly insulted them by ridiculing their complicated drink orders and suggesting they take their business elsewhere.

According to one witness, the eco-tourists were discussing whether to order five different versions of Starbucks' Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème. The victim apparently interrupted them, called them "tree-huggers" and suggested that they visit a nearby ice cream parlor instead.

"One of the tourists wanted it with no foam," said the witness. "Another insisted on a decaf swirl with room for extra nonfat, soy cream, and another wanted whip but no foam, with a double shot of my baby's love." The witness, who asked not to be identified for fear of reprisal, recalled that a number of customers were waiting in line behind the tourists while they were discussing their orders. "I believe there were even two (eco-tourists) demanding to know where the coffee came from. One asked whether the Brazilian rainforest was involved, another wanted to know if Starbucks used African 'conflict' beans, whatever those are. It was all too much."

Police say the victim, identified only as "Joe," suggested that the tourists patronize a nearby Baskin Robbins®. As the discussion grew more heated, one of the tourists called "Joe" an "earth killer" because he asked for a new cup and used a plastic lid. When "Joe" told the tourist to "back off," an elderly lady tried to strike him with her birdwatching tripod. The woman's husband then hurled handfuls of rainforest crunch in the man's direction.

"The guy was outnumbered," said the witness. "He's lucky somebody didn't strangle him with a fanny pack."

Eventually, the tourists decided to try to incapacitate "Joe" by throwing one of their Frozen Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crèmes directly into his face. According to the emergency room physician who treated the victim, "Joe" suffered severe frostbite as well as caffeine and sugar poisoning.

"Normally caffeine and sugar are consumed in small quantities," said Dr. Mark D. Kaff, M.D. "But when you hurl a 'Vente Frozen Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème with no whip and extra foam and two extra shots of caramel' right into someone's eyes and mouth, it creates all types of medical issues. Luckily, we had plenty of insulin on hand to balance out the sugar shock. And though the caffeine caused sudden cardiac arrest, this particular Starbucks had an Automatic External Defibrillator on hand. I guess they've seen this type of thing happen before."

According to a Starbucks spokesman, as a pilot project, some stores started stocking Automatic External Defibrillators (AEDs) after more and more customers began ordering triple instead of double espressos. But rather than bear the expense of keeping an AED in every store and training personnel on its use, the spokesman said, customers who insist on ordering super caffeinated drinks must now present a doctor's authorization and sign a waiver of liability.

Hospital officials say "Joe" is expected to recover, but may suffer some permanent nerve damage to his facial muscles. "The fact that the assailant didn't want 'whip' in his drink made all the difference. We've seen cases where a stiff whip can put out an eye. Someone was looking out for him."

For the last four days, a small group of supporters has held a vigil outside Joe's hospital room. However, unbeknownst to hospital security officers, several of the eco-tourists involved in Wednesday's melee learned the victim's location and began taunting him through his hospital window.

"They were originally there to protest the lack of National Health Insurance and affordable health care," said a hospital spokesperson, "but when they found out the victim was staying in the same hospital, they went after him like he was Saddam Hussein."

Security officers removed the protesters from the perimeter of the building. However, one was found inside the hospital cafeteria. According to Sgt. Moe Java, who heads hospital security, cafeteria employees became suspicious when an individual attempted to order a cup of Lipton's with extra room for creme and nonfat soy milk with unprocessed sugar on the side.

"He was also hassling the plant manager about the lack of solar panels in the O-R." We took him into custody right away."

Outside, residents and passers-by seemed perplexed by the controversy. Police fear additional clashes may arise between those who order simple coffee drinks and those who spend inordinate amounts of time in front of the counter, uttering hundreds of syllables in a single order.

"You can always tell which are which," said Sgt. Java. "When the eco-tourists send out for coffee, it usually takes all day. The cups look like graffiti artists have been all over them."

"Starbucks Rage" Incidents Increase: Company Denies Table Lease Rumours

Reaching what one official has termed a critical point, incidents of "Starbucks Rage" increased throughout the week as rival patrons exchanged nasty sarcastic barbs which, in some cases, were accompanied by cups of hot java sailing through the air. "The tension had been brewing for some time," said one loyal-double-tall-skim-latte drinker. "Both sides were just waiting for an opportunity to let off some steam and I guess this is it."

The conflict began to truly percolate last week when blogger Uraclod posted an expose on the ridiculously complicated concoctions being ordered by some patrons. Many felt the blog unfairly denigrated customers who submitted orders containing six or more specifications such as "a double tall nonfat, no foam, leave room for cream, decaf, soy latte." Though many have embraced the blogger's positions, universal acceptance has been slow in coming, leading to heated and often violent discussions.

"If a guy wants a 'double-nonfat-no-whip-no-foam-leave-room-for-cream-free-range-wood-based-paper-cup-cappuccino', that's his prerogative," said one customer who wished to remain anonymous. "Last time I checked, this is America."

Others took an opposing view. "These idiots with their 'no-foam-extra-whip-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-vanilla-syrup-make-room-for-daddy-triple-double-decaf-candy-appletini-pumpkin-spice-caramel-cream-swirls' are out of control," said one loyal grande espresso aficionado. "You get four or five of these coffee clowns in line in front of you, and you can kiss fifteen minutes goodbye. Life is too short."

Life was almost cut too short on Wednesday for one blog reader, who was spied laughing out loud at Uraclod's Tuesday column. The unsuspecting reader was apparently unaware that a busload of eco-tourists has just entered the store. After four or five of them were heard discussing the possibility of ordering various versions of the trademark "Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème," and inquiring whether the source of the coffee was "conflict beans," the reader muttered: "Hey, tree-huggers, Baskin Robbins is down the street."

"The tourists just went ballistic," said one store employee. "The poor guy was lucky he got out of there with just a cup of decaf dumped on his head."

Even more vicious attacks have been reported. In Miami, a suggestion that Starbucks consider leasing its tables to alleged "laptop hogs" sparked a near fatal brawl. After witnesssing a customer spread out his computer and papers across a table designed to accommodate four persons, a patron suggested to the customer that he consider leasing the space on a monthly basis. This apparently prompted the customer to fly into a caffeine induced rage during which he attempted to force feed the patron a double vente pumpkin spice non-fat soy latte (no foam). The incident was captured on the store's security camera. Police say they plan to file charges against the assailant as soon as they can identify the weapon.

"We're still in the investigation stage," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "Apparently, the cup read 'soy-pumpkin-spice-blueberry-syrup' which somewhat conflicts with some of the witnesses' statements. We should get a full chemical analysis in 2-3 weeks. Fortunately, we recovered a lid and stirrer so we're hoping for a match."

Reached at the St. Ignacious Burn Unit, the victim explained, "I just said to the guy, 'hey, you're here all day occupying the entire table with your laptop, you ought to pay rent.' I had no idea he would freak out."

The laptop question is simmering in stores in other states. According to a regular decaf drinker in St. Louis, store employees at one Starbucks report that, since January 2006, one particular customer stakes out a table for two every weekday from 7am to 7pm.

"You should see this guy," said the customer, "He's got his two-line phone, rolodex, spread sheets! Once, he left for lunch and asked the barista to 'hold his calls.' What nerve!"

A search of corporate records reveals that at least 85 small firms nationwide listed a Starbucks store as their primary business address in 2007. An official with the Internal Revenue Service fears that this year's tax returns will show a record number of deductions for greatest hits CDs and slices of lemon poppyseed pound cake.

"These are usually one-person businesses," the IRS official said. "Most of them are in the technology sector. The problem is, many don't understand that a 'reduced fat blueberry coffee cake' or 'double chunk chocolate chip cookie' is not a legitimate business expense."

The IRS official confirmed, however, that if Starbucks did take the radical step of leasing out tables, those expenses might be fully deductible.

One blogger wrote, "Starbucks is missing a great opportunity. By leasing tables, it could use the extra revenue to offset its outrageous prices."

Reached for comment, a Starbucks spokesperson denied that the corporation has discussed plans to start leasing tables, even if it means losing opportunities for corporate sponsorship. "We hope that all of our Starbucks® clients will cooperate with each other in sharing the environment we've created for the enjoyment of their favorite Starbucks beverages," the spokesperson said. "Whether it be a 'triple-vente-nonfat-soy-no-foam-double-whip-mocha-latte®' or a 'frozen-strawberrycino®-appletini-foam-delight®-caramel-swirl-double-chocolaty-chip®-cookie-dough-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino®', we just want all of our clients to get the most out of their Starbucks® beverage experience."

BREAKING NEWS: STARBUCKS FANS FLIP THEIR LIDS OVER TUESDAY'S EXPOSE

This just in -- Starbucks fans were less than pleased with Tuesday's expose on numbskull customers. Pictured above: Unidentified man caught laughing out loud while reading yesterday's commentary on his laptop computer.

Flying is fun: Part II

OK, here's our second frequent flier question: You and your co-passengers are anxiously awaiting being served those delicious complimentary beverages and a reduced-fat-no-peanut-product-high-in-sodium-snack when an obviously inebriated gentlemen attempts to pass around the beverage cart. As all considerate fliers are aware, when the cart is in the aisle, there should be no traffic to the restroom unless you and the restroom are on the same side of the cart. Even then, you need to be cognizant of the fact that, once you exit the restroom, the cart may have moved, blocking your passage back to your no-legroom seat, you know, the one where the guy in front of you has reclined his seat so far back that having knees is no longer an option? At any rate, the point I'm trying to make is that the beverage cart is sacred and should never be disturbed except in an emergency. Now, back to our scenario. You're about to be served when this drunk jerk starts to try and move the cart out of his way. Do you:

(1) Offer to let the intoxicated gentlemen sit in your lap so the cart can back up and let him by;

(2) Rally your fellow passengers to forcibly remove the clod and toss him out of the plane at 35,000 feet;

(3) Explain to the drunk that he should have gone to the restroom earlier and that he wouldn't have to go so often if he didn't drink so much; or

(4) Keep quiet and hope that the flight attendant will bite his head off?

This is a tough one. Answer (1) assumes that the flight attendant will assist you in allowing the man to make his passage which directly conflicts with Answer (4) since it presumes that the flight attendant is more angry with this idiot than you are. Answer (2) is a jolly good answer but, unfortunately, violates most domestic, international, and (if you're flying over water) maritime laws -- not to mention the scientific laws of air pressure when you open that cabin door and all hell gets sucked out. Answer (3) is rather paternalistic and slightly condescending. As stated above, Answer (4) presumes facts not necessarily established. The correct answer is none of the above. I would recommend that you merely stick out your foot and see what fun erupts from there. There's nothing like a seeing a blabbering drunk fall face first into the aisle to turn the rote details of an otherwise routine flight into a delightful story that you may share with friends and loved ones for years to come! Bon voyage!

The Starbucks Dilemma

Recently, a friend of mine complained that more and more Starbucks' customers have converted the simple act of ordering a cup of coffee into a G-D "beverage event." How do these people manage to come up with an order that has more syllables than the recipe for Prozac? I tell you, it's not surprising to hear someone belt out: "I'll have a vente-pumpkin-spice-double-decaf-nonfat-soy-latte-no-whip-but-foam-no-room-but-swirl-Iced-not-frozen-shaken-not-stirred-sugar-free-syrup-organic-spice-non-conflict-African-brew-in-a-free-range-recycled-non-Brazilian-rain-forest-paper-cup. And can I have an extra sleeve?" Whew!

So what the hell is happening here? Well, let me posit a theory. This is a phenomenon which I'll call: "Starbucks Rage." The evolution of coffee shops in this country has produced a culture that can't resist walking into these overpriced joints, and laying down four bills just for a daily jolt of caffeine. Starbucks is the King of this conspiracy because it figured out how to over-roast its beans just enough (hence, the pejorative term: Charbucks) to produce a distinctive charcoal taste that we have come to (mistakenly) believe is synonomous with the most powerful caffeine wallop. At any rate, like the geniuses who taught us that it's healthier to drink tap (aka "Spring") water out of a rapidly decomposing, chemical leaching plastic bottle, Starbucks and its competitors have convinced us that their overrated and outrageously priced brew is something we simply cannot live without.

As a result, there are many Starbucks' customers who reluctantly give in to the pressure and line up like Oliver Twist, begging for their daily buzz which will no doubt start their hearts pounding and their ears ringing. The anticipation of that first jolt has become so overwhelming that we have no patience for the numbskulls who think they just walked into Cafe Disneyland. You know the type! First they gaze up at the menu in amazement, unable to choose between the Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème or the Iced White Chocolate Mocha with nonfat soy whip. It's enough to make you dizzy! And I'm not even talking about the poor unfortunates who dare to ask for definitions or clarifications ("how big is a Grande?" or "is the caramel creme natural or artificial?"). Ok! That does it! Up against the wall!

The point is -- we're already a society on edge and all this caffeine is making us even worse. We're completely resentful of the fact that the masterminds of manipulation have, once again, tricked us into forking over huge wads of cash for something that should cost pennies, so we don't want any characters coming in here trying to give the place atmosphere! This is an addiction. It ain't no damn ice cream parlor. We're here because we have no other choice. Now, move it or lose it, Grandma! Baskin Robbins is down the road!

On the other hand, I think most of us can remember the utter confusion we experienced when we first walked into Starbucks. What happened to "small, medium, and large?" Why is it so necessary to say, "tall, grande, and vente." I don't recall Starbucks being a Latin corporation. And what citizens of which nation yell out "tall" when they want something small? Is this a euphemism? (Pssst. Don't say "small" because the customer will think it's the smallest size). Well, it IS the smallest size! Why the big mystery!

I guess we should applaud those customers who come in with their orders well rehearsed, no matter how long they are. If anything, these long winded requests say a lot about the person. If someone is so picky about a cup of coffee, imagine being married to that person and trying to agree on what house to buy, how to furnish it, or how many kids you're going to have. Even more telling is the customer who returns the beverage, "excuse me...I asked for no whip and there's a whip." I'll give you a whip! Craaaaack! Take that, you anal retentive pain in the ass!

In many ways, Starbucks has created at least two divergent subcultures: the "just the facts" types, who confine their order to five or fewer specifications: (1)size (2) drink type (3) caffeinated or decaf (4)sweetened or unsweetened (5) fat or nonfat. I'll even spot you one more and let you pick soy if that's your bag. But any more than that, and you're on my list! You're also pushing your luck if you order anything frozen in the morning. Oh? Did you work the night shift? Or are you just going to START the day off with dessert? Keep in mind, when you utter the prefix "frappa--" and the clock hasn't yet struck noon -- my eyes are immediately going for your gut to see what other high fat, sugary shenanigans you've been up to. I mean, did you think that adding 200 mg of caffeine to an ice cream soda suddenly makes it good for you? Well, it don't. So the next time you decide to hang with us working classholes and order a double mocha banana split in a blender, you'd better suck it in cause we're all going to be staring!

I thought I could wrap this up in one post but, as I see, the more I write, the more I'm filled with rage. Must be all that green tea. You know, the kind with "Zen" written on the package? Stay tuned.

Introducing the Foozool

Flying is fun

Here's a fun quiz which all frequent flyers should enjoy. Question No. 1: You are trying to get to your seat in the back of the aircraft (coach of course) and some dolt is struggling to jam a giant oversized bag in the overhead compartment. YOU know that the bag won't fit, but the dolt is adamant about cramming the bloody thing up in there. Do you:

A: Offer to assist him?

B: Try to explain that the bag won't fit and that he needs to come up with Plan B?

C: Curse the airline for allowing him to bring such a giant carry-on into the aircraft?

D: Wait for the bag to come tumbling down, strike him in the head, render him unconscious, and then step over his motionless, idiotic body?

There really is no correct answer to this question. But if I had to guess, I would choose option B. This casts you in the role of the adult instead of "a dolt" like the chump who appears oblivious to the needs of others (you included) to get to their seats.