URACLOD EXCLUSIVE: MCCAIN HAS BEEN STEALING YOUR HARD EARNED DOLLARS; VIDEO PROVES IT ALL!!!

Uraclod has obtained exclusive video of GOP Presidential Candidate John McCain stealing your hard earned dollars. The video was released by sources deep within the Obama campaign who have been tasked with the job of digging up every possible scandal, quasi-scandal, or thing that looks like a scandal but isn't as long as it pertains to either Senator John McCain and his running mate: the universally-hated-by-all-democrats-GOP-VP-Nominee-Alaskan-Governor-and-mother-of-five-Sarah Palin.

In the video, Senator McCain is seen stealing hard earned dollars from hard working Americans. According to officials with the Obama campaign, the video is sure to topple McCain's candidacy, and once it is seen in its entirety, McCain will surely drop out of the race and let Obama win by default.

"This is the moment we've been waiting for," said I. Gotcha, Senior Chief of the Obama Muckraking Committee. "Once people see this video, McCain will be history."

McCain campaign officials wouldn't comment on the video, stating that they first have to see it to form an opinion. Apparently, those who have seen the video were shocked beyond belief. Some have even required medical attention.

Since today is the last day of the Uraclod blog, Uraclod is posting the video for your viewing pleasure. Just click on the arrow.

If the video fails to load, Uraclod will work to fix the problem and bring it to you tomorrow.

Oops...there is no tomorrow. Oh well. Sorry.

Bye!

For Crying Out Loud, SHUT THAT KID UP!!!!!

Ok, I'm back from a two week vacation in Hawaii and I must say that all my greatest fears about airline travel came true. First of all, you may recall my tirade about United Airline's new policy of charging you to check your bags. I predicted that, as a result, all the cheapskates would start carrying on gigantic pieces of luggage and try to jam them into the overhead bins. I predicted that, as a result of all these cheapskates refusing to pay to check their luggage, that all the overhead bin space would be quickly taken up and, as a result, YOU and I would have no room to store our respective tiny carry-ons. By the time we got on the plane, there wouldn't be even a sliver of overhead space left -- thanks to all the inconsiderate, selfish cheapskates.

WELL, SAD TO SAY, I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! If you are one of those cheapskates and you are reading this please STOP BEING SUCH AN INCONSIDERATE JERK AND CHECK YOUR DAMN BAG. OTHERWISE SOMEONE IS GOING TO CLOCK YOU ONE AND GOOD!!!!!

The other issue related to flying that comes to mind is the phenomenon of the crying kid. On this particular flight (the one from Hawaii to Washington), there was a kid screaming bloody murder THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! THAT'S NINE HOURS OF SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING LIKE YOU'RE BEING TORTURED TO DEATH!!!! Now, I'm not going to blame the parents. Hell, I feel sorry for them. They can't stop a terrified kid from crying any better than the rest of us. I mean, let's give the parents a break.

WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!?! OF COURSE I BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOOKED TWO ROUND TRIP TICKETS FROM WASHINGTON TO HAWAII AND DECIDED TO BRING YOUR SCREAMING INFANT ALONG? ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!?!Haven't these people heard of THE OUTER BANKS? VIRGINIA BEACH? REHOBETH BEACH? OCEAN CITY? Any of those places ring a bell? Well, I got news for you. That crying kid wouldn't recognize a Hawaiian beach if you shoved it into his milk bottle. He doesn't need to go to Hawaii and prevent three hundred people from sleeping on a nine hour bloody red eye flight. No, he doesn't! Get in that damn car and stay the hell away from the airport!!!!! You are not welcome aboard this aircraft. And that goes double for your screaming little monster!

The other good thing about being back from vacation, and you'll find this a little strange -- I no longer have to deal with so many motion activated gizmos. Who invented these things? Do any of them ever work? How many times have you repeatedly whipped your hands under a faucet only to conclude that the damn thing was broken. Then, as soon as you go to the faucet next to you, the water starts pouring out of the one you just abandoned. But only long enough for you to return to the original faucet and realize that it stopped before you could get your hands wet. And what about the paper towel dispensers? I have never encountered one that works. I'm standing there waving my hands every which way and what like some psycho magician trying to make the damn thing disappear. I wish I COULD make it disappear! What a lousy invention! And don't even talk to me about the motion activated toilets! Please! Don't! I'm begging you!

ATTENTION!!! URACLOD IS SHUTTING DOWN. TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!!! APPARENTLY NO ONE HAS BEEN READING THIS BLOG SO IT WON'T COME AS MUCH OF A SHOCK SINCE YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED BY SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF, RIGHT!!! ANYWAY, LOYAL READER -- AND I DO MEAN "READER" NOT "READERS" -- THANKS FOR READING BUT I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP ANY LONGER. I NEED COMMITMENT. I NEED TO BE ADORED. I NEED TO FEEL LOVED. I'M JUST NOT GETTING THAT. I NEED TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FIND MYSELF.

NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT, TOMORROW'S ENTRY IS GOING TO BE A ROYAL SHOCKER!!! WE'VE GOT JOHN MCCAIN WITH HIS HAND IN THE TILL!!!

Candidates Differ on How to Help Dumbest Americans, Reckless Financial Institutions

Assisting the country's dumbest Americans and most reckless financial institutions remains a top priority in this year's campaign. However, presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain greatly differ on how to help these two entities weather the latest financial crisis.

"There are basically two groups that need help," Ima N. Debt, Senior Economist for Big Spender Magazine. "First, you have the people who took out mortgages they couldn't possibly afford. Next, you have the lending institutions that gave them the money -- notwithstanding the fact they had no collateral and in many cases, no conceivable means of making the payments."

Democrat Barack Obama has blamed the Bush administration and John McCain for permitting the country's financial institutions to "run amuck" without proper regulatory control. His opponent, John McCain, says he doesn't know who to blame. Both candidates agree, however, that it makes better political sense to portray the homeowners as the victims.

"The Bush-McCain Administration and Sarah Palin tricked these people into thinking they could own a home by taking out these ridiculous sub-prime loans," said Obama. "As a result, we have worldwide economic collapse, thanks to the Bush-McCain-Palin Administration and its secret economic string puller, Adolf Hitler.

In response, McCain speculated whether Obama was off his medication.

"Listen, my friends," he said. "Senator Obama, whom I respect for his eloquent speaking ability, doesn't have any concrete plans for getting us out of this economic mess. Instead, he's wasting his time trying to come up with clever ways to refer to my running mate as a 'pig.'"

Though both candidates have no clue how to fix the current economic crisis, both agree that the first step is to pull out the blame hose and turn it on full blast.

"John McCain is the cause of this economic disaster," accused Obama. "George Bush is also to blame but only to the extent that he put John McCain in charge of the economy during these last four years."

McCain denies the charge, saying Obama is "wacko."

"If I were in charge of the economy my friends, the first thing I would do is appoint the beautiful and sexy Sarah Palin as my chief economic advisor. She has the experience to get things done. She ran an entire town and now she runs the biggest State in the most powerful nation in the world. Not too shabby, my friends. Senator Obama was just a community organizer. What community? What did he organize?"

Obama says McCain's plan to appoint Palin to an upper level economic post would be reckless. "You can put lipstick on an economic advisor," he said. "But that economic advisor is still a pig."

Though the candidates disagree about possible solutions to the current economic woes, both agree that the homeowner facing foreclosure should be portrayed as a victim and not as someone who simply made a foolhardy decision.

"The McCain-Bush team forced the hard working homeowner into taking their loans by luring them with low interest rates. Now the McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler administration is kicking the hardworking American homeowner out of his home because he can't pay the mortgage," said Obama. "As president, I'm going to change that. I'm going to make sure that every hardworking American homeowner has a home whether or not he acts responsibly or whether he gets into debt up to his eyeballs."

McCain takes a somewhat different view.

"My friends, we've all made bad investment decisions. But in this case, we can't blame the poor, hardworking, American homeowner. At least not until this damn election is over. After I'm elected, we'll see."

Though Obama admits that George Bush was in charge during the last eight years, he has attempted to associate Bush with his rival during regular speaking engagements.

"Bush-McCain started the Iraq War and they can't finish it," said Obama. "Bush-McCain ripped off the poor, hardworking, American worker by selling him a home and then kicking him out on the street. McCain-Bush-Palin ignored your calls for help and threw your children out on the street where they were sold into prostitution. McCain-Bush-Palin executed your children and tortured them in Guantanamo Bay. McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler put cats in microwave ovens and boiled your parents in oil."

Asked to comment, McCain said he was speechless.

"I can't compete with that," he said. "I quit."

URGENT!! JOHN MCCAIN ISN'T THE ONLY ONE QUITTING. YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER IS SHUTTING DOWN THIS BLOG POST HASTE. STAY TUNED FOR ENTRIES ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY. AFTER THAT, THOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE BURDEN OF THY ENTERTAINMENT ON THOUEST PLATE. SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS HAVE TO BE.

It's Official! Republicans Are to Blame For Everything Bad; Obama Gloating Like Hell!

As the stock market sank to new lows yesterday, Democrats convened to formulate plans to blame the Republicans for everything that has gone wrong. Following a closed door session, Senate and House Democrats proposed HR 911, which formally blames Republicans for all of the nation's ills.

"This historic legislation will send a clear message that the GOP is responsible for everything that is bad, even stuff that hasn't happened yet," said Rep. Barney Frank.

"Our nation is a mess and the time has come to point some serious fingers," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "By blaming the Republicans, we may solve nothing, but at least we say, 'hey, don't look at me!"

GOP countered by stressing that Democrats have controlled both houses of Congress for two years, yet did nothing to offset the current fiscal collapse. In fact, GOP officials say, when Democrats won the majority, the stock market was near an all time high.

"So what?" said Pelosi. "George Bush was president and he said the economy was doing well. We took him at his word and he lied to us. He's a liar. Liar! Hopefully HR 911 will convince the American people that all the blame belongs on the other side of the aisle."

During a press briefing in Crawford, Texas, the first of the year, President Bush responded to his Democratic critics with utter puzzlement.

"The economy was doing well," countered Bush. "Whadya want me to say -- the stock market is going gangbusters and 'boy does that suck'? Give me a break."

Democrats say they were misled by Bush and other GOP officials.

"We innocent Democrats had no idea that the housing market would crash," said Rep. Frank. "Real estate was a good investment. Everything seemed to be doing well. Prices were rising. The Republicans tricked us on the economy, they tricked us on the Iraq War! They tricked people into taking out loans they couldn't pay back. They're a bunch of trickers!"

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama says HR 911 is just one of many "blaming" resolutions that he would support as President. Obama says, if elected, he will create a new cabinet called the Department of Blaming and Finger Pointing.

"It's important that we focus our energies on identifying a demon and pointing our finger at him," said Obama. "It's a helluva lot easier than coming up with real solutions. As president, I will appoint a Secretary of Blaming who will oversee this department which will be responsible for blaming all the problems on Republicans. In fact, the department will feature a 'Blameworthy Republican of the Month' whom we can boo and throw tomatoes at when he or she comes into the gallery."

Obama also took the opportunity to gloat over the current economic crisis.

"You see, I told them so. I didn't do anything about it but I told them so."

Obama was asked why congressional democrats also failed to act to prevent the current fiscal collapse. He pointed the finger at his rival, GOP Nominee John McCain.

"John McCain has been secretly undermining the economy in order to steal, cheat and murder. He's George Bush's Vladamir Putin. He's been taking money out of the financial markets and using it to fund the war in Iraq. Just like Reagan. They're all corrupt. I'm perfect."

Democrats admit privately that they've been hoping the economy would get to this point. Some even admit they held off on legislation that would have prevented the current collapse in order to make the situation appear as dire as possible.

"It was a strategic decision," said Rep. Pelosi. "We knew we could take back the presidency if we let the situation get really bad. Now it's terrible and we're going to win. Life is good!"

Baggy Pants Law Unconstitutional! Oh, The Humanity!

A Florida judge has deemed unconstitutional a law banning baggy pants that show off the wearer's underwear. Oh my God! Why did this story get so little airtime? Haven't we heard enough about Wall Street crashes, potential world wars, and plastic bottles that kill? Why aren't the media giving more emphasis to this piece of real news?

Apparently, some 17-year-old creep spent a night in jail after police arrested him for wearing low pants in Riviera Beach, southeast Florida. The bum was picked up pursuant to a law approved by city voters last March. Normally, the punk would have received a 150 dollars fine or community service, but he spent the night in jail due to a history of marijuana use.

The public defender accused the town of instituting a fashion police and asked that the law be declared unconstitutional. The judge agreed, but only after he did some extensive research into the subject by interpreting the intent of the founding fathers. It turns out that the early revolutionaries also wore baggy pants. This was done to intimidate the British, who often referred to folks like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson as "thugs." In fact, the original Declaration of Independence contained the phrase, "Yo, yo, yo, we ain't trying to hear that....yo's" when referring to the colonies' dissatisfaction with British rule.

Historians also speculate that the early revolutionaries donned baggy jeans because it enabled them to better hide their muskets. In fact, the first draft of the Second Amendment read: "The right to be packin', shall not be f---ed wif, yo."

Personally, I'm happy that the judge made these constitutional findings. Wearing baggy pants is a fundamental right in our society. It is one of the privileges of living in a democracy. It also sends a strong message to other countries that America stands firm in its defense of baggy pants wearers. God Bless America and God Bless Baggy Pants!

Biden Ejected from Hospital; "Nurse" Palin Demonstrates Pitfalls of Managed Care

Democratic VP nominee Senator Joe
Biden was ejected from the hospital yesterday, after officials discovered his condition was not covered under his HMO.

Biden was initially hospitalized last week after suffering severe follicle damage as a result of a brutal hair mussing from his opponent, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Several days later, Palin burst into Biden's hospital room and removed all of Biden's hair, reversing several years of hair reconstructive surgery.

Yesterday, Biden's troubles further increased when hospital officials announced that his condition was not covered under his health care plan. In a symbolic move, the hospital recruited Biden's opponent, Sarah Palin, to do the honors of kicking Biden out of his hospital bed, disconnecting his IV and unplugging his monitors.

News of Biden's ejection reverberated around both the Republican and Democratic camps, with Republicans anxious to exploit the news to illustrate the failings of universal health care.

"Joe Biden and his ilk are getting a bird's eye view of the failings of socialized medicine," said Herman Hardass, President of the National Organization of Costs that are Astronomically Rising to Eternity (NOCARE). "If the Democrats keep pushing this universal health care agenda, you can kiss all your favorite cosmetic procedures goodbye! No more hair plugs, boob jobs, penile implants -- forget about it."

Democrats, anxious to maintain their support from Hollywood celebrities, deny that universal health care will exclude their base's favorite cosmetic procedures.

"There are always exceptions," said Martin Lookinfour-Loophole, Barack Obama's Health Care Advisor. "If a doctor determines that the patient's mental health would be jeopardized without the procedure, it could be approved on mental health grounds. For instance, if a fifteen year old threatens to kill herself if she can't have her breasts enlarged, then a psychiatrist can step in and declare the procedure medically necessary."

"Poppycock." said Hardass. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. About the only procedure that would be covered under the democrat plan is having your head examined. Of course, you still have to show you voted for Obama. Ha ha!"

A spokesman for Biden said the Senator will be moving to a private hospital where his treatment will be paid for with campaign funds. Democratic fund raisers say they have a large surplus of cash, donated by the hard working American families who are just struggling to get by.

"The American people can rest assured that their hard earned dollars are going to a good cause," said Obama. "Americans don't want another cueball living in the Vice-President's house. We've had eight years of Vice Presidential baldness -- it's time for change."

Exclusive! Biden Considers Retirement; VP Candidate Wants to Spend More Time on Hair

Following last week's violent attack by Alaska Governor and GOP VP Nominee Sarah Palin, Democratic VP Nominee Joe Biden is considering retiring from politics. The veteran senator made the announcement last night from his hospital bed, where he is recovering after what doctors have diagnosed as terminal baldness.

"Good grief," said Biden. "Nothing is working out."

Biden, whose hair has been the subject of much controversy in the last 15 years, confessed to reporters that the task of trying to hold on to his youthful appearance is becoming a full time job. Approximately 10 years ago, Biden allegedly received a series of hair plugs to compensate for his rapidly receding hairline. In addition, Biden visits tanning salons on a regular basis to ensure that his head consistently resembles a Florida orange.

Last week, all of Biden's hair plugs were viciously yanked out by Alaska Governor and GOP VP Nominee Sarah Palin (aka Lucy). Gov. Palin burst into Biden's hospital room and ripped out the plugs in retaliation for Biden's running mate, Barack Obama (aka Franklin), comparing her to Pigpen.

"I'm a hockey mom," said Palin. "You want to know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick."

Today, Biden adopted a more philosophical tone, questioning why Christmas has become so commercialized and reminiscing over his one true love, the little red-haired girl.

"Politics is like trying to kick a football and the holder always moves the ball at the last second," said Biden. "It's frustrating."

Biden speculated that if he leaves politics, he'll devote more time to flying his kite and improving his Halloween costume.

"Every time I try to fly that thing, it gets eaten by that kite-eating tree. I used to think that the tree was planted by Republicans. I also used to think I was trick or treating in an all-GOP neighborhood, since all I ever got was a bag full of rocks. Rats!"

VIDEO OF PALIN-BIDEN "HAIR-RAISING" ATTACK BANNED FROM INTERNET AIRWAVES

Citing its new policy banning videos which incite violence, YouTube today refused to air the video of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's "hair-raising" attack on Democratic VP Nominee and Delaware Senator Joe Biden.

Earlier this week, Biden's opponent, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, burst through a window in Biden's hospital room and began tearing out Biden's hair plugs, leaving the veteran legislator almost completely bald.

A video of the incident was made by a Democratic party staffer, who was in the process of helping Biden memorize famous quotes to use in his upcoming debate.

Sources say Palin has been on a rampage ever since Biden's running mate, Barack Obama, called her a "pig."

In the video, Palin can be seen painfully ripping out Biden's hair, as the Senator gasps in horror from his hospital bed. Biden's hair, which has been the subject of much controversy in the last 15 years, was almost completely ripped out, leaving the Senator with a head resembling a cue ball.

"Given the Senator's sudden hair loss, the focus of the campaign appears to have shifted in the GOP's favor," said Al Screwya Goode, a Republican strategist. "Governor Palin clearly has the superior follicle advantage over Senator Joseph Baldin, I mean Biden."

Reached at his hospital room, Biden fought back the tears as he spoke to reporters. "One of the nurses called me 'chrome dome' this morning. This is beyond humiliating! I wish I'd never accepted the nomination," said the Senator.

Last night, Democratic strategists were scrambling to restore Biden's locks before the upcoming Vice Presidential debate. This morning, they brought in a team of hair transplant specialists and agricultural experts to assess the situation.

"The outlook, at this point, is grim," said Hair Club CEO and transplant physician Dr. Q. Ball. "Even if we could start replanting today, we're looking at six months to a year before we see any real growth. Kinda like the economy. At best, the Senator is going to be appearing on camera with something resembling corn rows. In my professional opinion, that's not a good look for a veteran statesman."

One party official suggested that Biden don a toupee for the remainder of the campaign. However, this would prevent him from attending any outdoor public appearances.

"We can't take the chance that a gust of wind might blow away all our hopes for a shot at the White House," said Marvin Lefkowitz-Cheever-Hartley, a Senior Democratic advisor. "Can you imagine if Senator Biden were giving a speech and his hairpiece suddenly blew off? It would be worse than Michael Dukakis driving that damn tank."

According to one source, who asked not to be identified, Biden is considering withdrawing his name from contention. Possible replacements include late night talk show host Jay Leno, alleged war criminal Radovan Karadzic, and the comedian Carrot Top

"Of course, none of these contenders has been seriously vetted," said the source. "I'm sure they all have their own issues, especially Karadzic, who is an accused mass murderer. However, they all have great hair."

Though the video of the attack was leaked to several Internet sites yesterday, YouTube announced this morning that it was pulling the plug on the clip, concerned that it might encourage more campaign violence. Republicans were immediately outraged, citing the fact that YouTube has aired Barack Obama videos, even the one where he referred to Palin as a "pig."

"Them's fightin' words, they is," said Clem Klediddlehopper, a GOP Delegate from Oz, Kansas. "That Obama feller called that girl a pig, and she got a right to do sumthin about it. That dang YouTube should run both sides of the story. Them people are worse than MSNBC."

YouTube refused to comment on its decision. However, sources at ABC say the clip will appear on "America's Most Violent Campaign Videos" to be hosted by Bob Saget in December.

Below: Exclusive clips from the banned video: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

Biden Unplugged! VP Nominee Tears Out Opponent's Hair

In her second attack in as many days, Alaska Governor and GOP VP nominee Sarah Palin continued to yank more hair out of Senator and Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden's orange head, leaving the veteran legislator almost completely bald.

Biden had been hospitalized earlier last week following a vicious hair mussing incident, during which Governor Palin rearranged his folicles, causing severe damage.

This morning, Biden's hair was listed in serious but stable condition until Palin opened his hospital room window and grabbed what was left of Biden's controversial mane.

"She was grabbing everything she could reach," said the Delaware Senator.

Doctors attempted to replant hair from other parts of Biden's body but were unable to find any surplus hair with which to work.

"Apparently, Senator Biden previously harvested nearly every spare hair on his body," said Dr. Frank Lee Baldin, a physician for the Hair Club for Men. "Additionally, he's been waxing other parts. Perhaps when those areas grow back we can make another attempt."

Reached in her Alaska home, Governor Palin expressed no regrets about her behavior.

"I'm a hockey mom and we don't take any crap off anyone," said Palin. "You want to know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick!"

Palin says she's looking forward to debating Biden, or "Baldy" as she now refers to him.

"Let's see who dares talk about my hair now," she said. "People are going to think I'm debating James Carville. Senator Cueball doesn't stand a chance against these perfectly highlighted locks."

Biden in Good Spirits Despite Hair Mussing Incident

Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee and Deleware Senator Joe Biden remained in good spirits today, despite a nasty run-in with his opponant, Governor Sarah Palin.

During a confrontation between both the Obama and McCain campaigns, Governor Palin charged Biden and mussed his hair, sending the veteran senator running off in embarassment and pain.

Immediately after the incident, Biden was rushed to a facility run by the Hair Club for Men, where he was treated for severe follicle trauma. Sources also say Palin smeared Biden's spray-on tan, causing the Senator to exhibit signs of uneven facial coloration.

"As you know, Senator Biden has struggled with his hair for years," said Dr. Frank Lee Baldin, chief surgeon at the Hair Club.

Dr. Baldin refused to comment on whether the Senator has had hair plugs inserted into his scalp. Comparisons with earlier photographs seem to show that Biden was exhibiting a "hair helmet" back in the 1980's which is actually somewhat thicker today. An expert retained by Imbecile Magazine alleges that Biden was either the recipient of a hair transplant or has undergone a hair weave or some other creepy procedure.

Reached at his hospital bed, Biden spoke with reporters using borrowed quotes.

"It's only a flesh wound," Biden said, referring to his injury. "I will survive. What is sickness to the body of a knight errant? What matter wounds?"

Biden was also asked if his confrontation with Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin was a sign that tensions between the two have already turned bitter.

"I have not yet begun to fight," he responded. "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! That's what I always say."

Doctors say Biden may be released from the Hair Club in several days, depending on the degree of follicle damage. Despite that, he remained in good spirits and says he is anxious to start campaigning.

"The only thing required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

Palin alleges she went after Biden when an Obama staffer accused the Republican campaign of spreading lies. Instead of expressing remorse following the attack, she threatened to pull out "every little hair from that giant tanned head" if Biden's staffers dare to repeat their accusations.

Biden refused to comment on Palin specifically, stating he is simply thankful he emerged from the fight without suffering more physical harm.

"Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant," he said. "What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved."

Hockey Mom VP Candidate Gives Obama Wedgie; McCain Lets "Lipstick" Pit Bull Do His Dirty Work

In the few short days since her rousing speech during which she mercilessly pelted Barack Obama with sarcastic jabs and insults, Alaska Governor and GOP VP hopeful Sarah Palin has unleashed a flurry of attacks on her running mate's opponant, and last night, to the shock and horror of many Obama supporters, she followed up her offensive by subjecting the Democratic nominee to an embarrassing "atomic" wedgie.

Palin and Obama were both scheduled to speak at Venice Beach yesterday when their respective campaign staffs clashed and began trading accusations that each are guilty of spreading lies about the other's candidates.

When an Obama campaign staffer accused Palin of being out of touch with the American people, Palin kicked sand in his face and then headed for the Democratic nominee, treating him to a painful and embarassing atomic wedgie.

"This will teach you to mess around with a hockey mom," said Palin while violently yanking on Obama's boxer shorts. "You want to know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick!"

Obama, a graduate of Harvard Law, attempted to argue his way out of the wedgie, but Palin was unrelenting. Eventually, with his boxers raised up over his head, Obama screamed out "uncle" and Palin loosened her grip.

The incident followed an earlier confrontation between Palin and Obama's running mate, Senator Joseph Biden. During that incident, Palin allegedly mussed Biden's hair, which caused the Democtratic VP to start running in the opposite direction.

"Joe is pretty sensitive about his hair," said Obama. "What Sarah did was unfortunate."

"I'll pull every little hair out of that fake tanned head if I have to," screamed Palin. "He should know better than to mess with a hockey mom. You want to know the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull. Lipstick!"

Since being named as McCain's running mate, sources say Palin has been tasked with doing all her running mate's "dirty work." During her debut speech, she berated and ridiculed Obama, claiming that his promise of "change" is nothing more than a self promotion gimmick. Since that speech, Palin has remained on the offensive, accusing the candidate of spreading lies and rumors about her family.

"I'm going to show him that he's messing with the wrong person. I'm a hockey mom. You want to know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick!"

Meanwhile, Senator Joe Biden responded to the attacks by stealing quotes from various statemsmen.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself," he said. "This day is one that will live in infamy. The buck stops here."

Biden says he is compiling his memoirs of the campaign and will be releasing them in book form just prior to the election. His book will be titled, "Profiles in Courage." Biden is also working on several novels. One is about a Russian student who commits a heinous double murder. Another is a story about an adultress who is forced to wear a red "A".

"I shall return," said Biden as he frantically ran away in search of a comb.

Though the respective campaign staffs are still arguing over the severity of the wedgie, most agree that Palin lifted Obama's undershorts at least a foot over his head. An atomic wedgie normally requires that the person giving the wedgie lift the outer waistband over the recipients head but no particular height is specified.

"Did I lift it 12 inches or 13?" said Gov. Palin. "You know, in all the excitement, I sort of lost count. But you got to ask yourself -- do you want to mess with a hockey mom? Do you want to mess with someone who is just like a pit bull except for one difference --lipstick? Well, do ya punk?"

McCain Accepts Nomination; Calls For Change

In a surprise move, John McCain accepted the Republican Nomination for President of the United States, ending years of speculation about his future political plans and the future of the Republican Party.

Last night, Senator McCain went to the podium and made the announcement, which understandably brought cheers from audience members, many of whom were on the edge of their seats -- wondering what McCain would do.

"John McCain made the right decision," said Clem Clediddlehopper, a Republican delegate from Hookares, Iowa. "He's our man."

McCain also surprised the crowd when he called for "change in America," promising supporters that "change is coming." The "change" theme has been a favorite of his opponent, Barack Obama, who has held himself out to be the "great changer."

"That was a shock," said Clediddlehopper. "We thought Senator McCain was campaigning for the status quo. We had no idea that a maverick like McCain, who has spent his entire life battling lobbyists, special interests groups, wasteful government spending, Washington insiders, and corrupt politicians would have any interest in changing anything about Washington. We had no idea that the only Republican Senator who constantly rattled both parties would be in favor of anything but 'business as usual.' I'm floored."

Asked about McCain's apparent shift in policy, Democratic Nominee Barack Obama called McCain a "copycat."

"Senator McCain has seen how successful this change BS has gotten me and he's just jealous," said Obama. "He should come up with his own gimmick for fooling...I mean...appealing to the American people."

Obama's wife, Michele, was also critical of McCain's apparent shift in gimmickry.

"The next thing you know, Cindy McCain is going to start bad mouthing America and acting unpatriotic," said Michele Obama. "Geez, don't these people have any original ideas?"

Obama also mentioned that his unique choice of a running mate casts him as the real "changer."

"I don't know much about foreign affairs. I'm a consensus builder and generally nice guy. To balance that out, I chose a real hardass with lots of foreign policy experience. Sort of the good cop/bad cop approach. That's never been done, right? That's real change!"

"Yes it is," responded current Vice President Dick Cheney. "Yessireeebob!"

Though McCain's acceptance speech was generally well received, he suffered several interruptions from protesters, one of whom represented the anti-war movement "Code Pink." McCain reacted to the disruption by dragging the protester onstage and strangling him.

"You see, my friends, this gentlemen says he comes from a group called 'Code Pink.' Looks to me like he comes from 'Code Blue.'"

"Mffffffffttttt," said the unidentified protester.

Alaskan Governor Puts the Freeze on Obama Frenzy; Democrats Devastated by GOP's "Lipstick Pit Bull"

After months of basking in the heat of cheering crowds, swooning liberals, boatloads of Internet cash, and the cult of celebrity, Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama found himself knocked back to earth last night by a 44-year old Hockey Mom who claims the only difference between her and a pit bull is "lipstick."

In a speech that many hope will be the cure for "Obama fever," Alaska Governor Sarah Palin last night elicited copious cheers from thousands of GOP conventioneers, none of whom were even remotely as attractive as her.

Palin, who became the surprise GOP Vice Presidential Nominee last week, whipped the crowd into an anti-Obama frenzy, accusing her running mate's opponent of "using change to promote his career instead of using his career to promote change." Palin also blasted the Democratic Nominee for sweet talking hard working Americans to their face, then calling them "bitter" behind their backs and belittling them for clinging to their "guns and religion."

"She socked him real good-like," said Clem Clediddlehopper, a conventioneer from Oz, Kansas. "You go girl!"

Palin, who became a national sensation only a few days ago, sent shock waves throughout the Obama camp who immediately began digging up as much dirt on her as possible. Though Obama initially criticized Palin for her lack of experience, he quickly backed off when he realized that he didn't have any experience either.

This morning, Obama held an impromptu news conference in Rats, Utah, to react to Palin's speech. Holding back the tears, he acknowledged that Palin "got some good licks in."

"Governor Palin's speech was unfortunate," he said. "Unfortunate for me."

Obama has repeatedly been asked to give his opinion of McCain's running mate. Earlier this week during a stopover in Dodge City, Kansas, he avoided the question, claiming he didn't know enough about her to form an opinion.

"She's not a big celebrity like me," he said. "I've never met her."

"He doesn't want to know anything about her," said Clediddlehopper. "He's afraid to meet her because, if he does, she's going to sock him real good-like. He's scared of getting beat up by a girl. Buck buck buck!"

Obama's running mate, Joe Biden, was also asked his opinion of Palin. In true Biden style, he merely repeated Obama's words.

"She's not a big celebrity like him," Biden said, referring to Obama. "I've never met her."

Obama did accuse of Palin and McCain of threatening to take the country in the "wrong direction."

"You can be sure that if John McCain chose Governor Palin, that she will support his policies and those policies are not good for America. America needs change and I intend to bring change to America. I'm the great changer."

Biden echoed Obama's remarks.

"You can be sure that if John McCain chose Governor Palin, that she will support his policies and those policies are not good for America," said Biden. "America needs change and I intend to bring change to America. I'm the great changer."

"That's what I just said," responded Obama to Biden's comments.

"That's what I just said," responded Biden to Obama's comment about Biden's comment.

"Quit mocking me," said Obama.

"Quit mocking me," said Biden.

When asked if he was surprised that McCain chose Palin, Biden said he was still surprised that Obama picked him as a running mate.

"Unlike our opponent, our ticket is very special. A relatively inexperienced guy, with no foreign policy experience whatsoever, picks a seasoned Senator with a lot of background in Middle Eastern affairs. This is an unprecedented situation," said Biden.

"Yes, it is," commented current VP Dick Cheney, a former Senator and Secretary of Defense during the first Persian Gulf War. "Joe and Barack have really come up with something new. Something that has never been done before. That's real change. Yes, it is. Yesiree. No doubt about it. Nice job, guys!"

McCain Says Ready To Accept Nomination, Give Obama A Political Wedgie

As he prepared to accept his party's nomination for president, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain vowed to soundly defeat his opponant in what he termed will be tantamount to a "political wedgie."

Senator McCain told supporters that Senator Barack Obama "talks a good game" but when it comes to playing the game, he "takes his ball and runs home to mommy." McCain said he plans to give Obama a solid beating despite the fact that he trails in the polls.

"It's going to be dogfight," said McCain. "And I'm the pit bull while he's a little French poodle. You're going to hear a lot of whimpering and whining during these next few months."

In response, Obama told McCain to "bring it on."

"We've got something that John McCain can never get and that's change. We're going to bring change to the people and we're going to change things. I'm the changer. He's just George Bush all over again."

"Maybe I'll give him a real wedgie," responded a disgusted McCain.

Republicans Release New Ads; Critics Say McCain Is Promoting Economic Fear

As Senator John McCain prepares to accept the Republican Party's nomination for president, his campaign is releasing new print advertisements designed to portray "the real Obama." In one ad, Obama is depicted as the devil descending a staircase. The caption reads: "It's Nov. 5 and Barack Obama has just been elected president. Welcome to Hell!"

In another ad, a group of stock traders are woefully gazing up at the board, noticing that the market is crashing. One blames Obama for the crash, another calls him the devil, and another announces that he's going to commit suicide.

Critics of the ads say the McCain campaign appears to have drifted away from its original promise of running a positive race. However, campaign staffers say they vetoed dozens of other ads which were deemed much more negative, such as one in which Obama is piloting one of the planes that struck the World Trade Center on September 11.

"These ads simply provide insight into what will happen if our opponent is elected," said one McCain campaign staffer. "If Germany had had the benefit of this type of information, it probably never would have elected Adolf Hitler."

The Obama campaign dismissed the ads as "pure garbage." Said one Obama campaign official, "John McCain is dead in the water and he has nothing else up his sleeve."

Republican party officials say the latest ads are "tame" in comparison with the ads which they plan to run just prior to the election.

"We've got some good ones," said one official who asked not to be identified. "We've got one where Obama is a serial killer, preying on little girls. In another, he's a cannibal, you know, like that guy in 'Silence of the Lambs'"?

Republican Convention Kicks Off; McCain Demonstrates American Muscle

As the Republicans finally took the stage to officially name their candidate, the presumptive nominee, Senator John McCain, drew cheers and a few jeers with his unorthodox demonstration of American military might. Grabbing a small child in the audience, McCain compared the child to all the countries in the Middle East, then proceeded to nearly strangle the child as a way of demonstrating America's will to win.

"All the countries in that region together are no more powerful than this little boy," said McCain. "And still, look what happens when I grab them with my one good arm."

Initially, the crowd cheered McCain until it became obvious that the little boy was turning blue. McCain finally let go when many in the audience called on him to put the child down.

"You see, that's exactly what the Democrats want me to do," said McCain. "They want me to unleash my grip. Well, my friends, I'm not going to do that."

The boy's parents say they are not upset with McCain for nearly strangling their son.

"We voted for George Bush and we'll support John McCain and the Iraq War. If he needs to sacrifice our son for the good of the nation, we understand."

Otherwise Celebratory Convention Is Marred By Sarcastic Protests: One Arrested

An otherwise celebratory Democratic National Convention was marred by more protests last night, bringing to one the number of protesters taken into custody. Police say Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm was arrested last night after hurling cynical and sarcastic remarks at conventioneers -- calling them wimps and sissies.

Police say Fishbalm had been lurking outside the convention hall for several days holding a sign that read "Hang Bush and Cheney." Convention officials banned Fishbalm from many events because he appeared to be mentally unstable.

Last night, Fishbalm stood outside the hall, spewing insults at conventioneers as they entered and exited.

"He said, 'if you really want change, you'll string up those bastards,' referring to the President and Vice-President," said Officer Duncan Donutz of the Denver Police Department. "Every time someone would try to make a speech, he would say something like 'off with their heads' or 'chop their balls off.' People were just getting sick of him yelling in their ears."

Police say Fishbalm does have a prior criminal record. Several months ago, he was charged with assault and attempted murder after throwing a frappacino into the face of a Starbucks customer. Fishbalm is still awaiting trial on that charge.

Obama Accepts Nomination, Calls for Change

Democratic Presidential Nominee and World Renown celebrity Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination for president, capping off a week of highly predictable events.

As the candidate rose to the podium to accept the honor and thank his supporters, he gave a rousing speech, calling for "change in America, and change for the world."

"We campaigned on a promise of change, and change is what we plan to bring to not only this country, but to the world," proclaimed the candidate.

Obama's speech was peppered with promises of "change" and "more change." At one point, he promised that, if elected, he would "bring change to America."

"We campaigned on a platform of change and you responded. Now, we are going to move forward with change. It will be a big change. The kind of change that will make Americans say, 'Wow, things have really changed.'"

Obama also spoke about changing the way government is run.

"You asked for change when you voted for me. I will bring you change. You will know that things have change because I am the great changer."

Since announcing his candidacy several months ago, Obama's "change" platform has resonated well with voters. During his speech, he hinted that change will be a top priority.

"I will not hesitate to implement change if I have to," he said. "I will not withhold change if change is needed. I will bring change when change is warranted. I will make sure that change remains on the table at all times."

To that, the crowd cheered wildly. Many in the audience waved signs and banners which read: "Change."

"I just love him," said one supporter on the convention floor. "He's going to change everything. I can't wait."

"We need to be inspired. And nothing inspires like promises of change," said yet another supporter.

In addressing his subjects, Obama blasted the Bush administration for "destroying the country and ruining everything."

"President Bush messed everything up, I want to change that. That's what this talk of change is all about. Changing the way we do business, changing the way we do things."

Obama Arrives In Denver to Receive Crown, I Mean -- Nomination

Democratic Presidential Nominee and World Renown Celebrity Barack Obama stepped off his plane today in royal splendor, eagerly awaiting to be named the Democratic Party's choice for president.

Obama was greeted by a throng of photographers and journalists, as well as millions of adoring fans. Many of them travelled from as far away as Mars just to get a glimpse of the candidate.

"Take me to your possible future leader," said C9x4+@, a Martian physician on sabbatical in Estes Park, Colorado.

At least 600,000 women fainted when Obama deplaned. Many were treated at area hospitals.

"We admitted 40,000 women at our hospital alone," said Dr. Seymour Hyney of Good Samaritan Hospital in East Denver. "Most were suffering from exposure. Apparently, Obama loosened his collar and unbuttoned a few shirt buttons. They just lost it."

As party officials plan their welcoming ceremony, others are debating whether to simply crown Obama "King Of America."

"We've got some experts looking into whether that would be constitutionally permissible," said Reid Tard, a party official. "I think we have a good argument for making him a monarch."

It's Demo Time!

Daa-da-da-da da-da da-da. Daa-da-da-da da-da da-da. Yea! It's time for the Democratic Convention. Yea! Who will be the nominee? What's going to happen? Will the speeches be inspiring? Will we get goosebumps and lumps in our throats?

Hey - there's a reason the networks don't carry this stuff anymore. The convention hasn't even started and I'm already bored. What happened to using the convention to actually pick a candidate? What happened to all the suspense? We know how this story is going to end. Those reruns of Gilligan's Island aren't looking so bad.

Maybe there will be a few surprises. Maybe we'll hear about some more victims. Being a victim has become kind of synonymous with being a Democrat. You never hear the candidates sticking up for the guy who is living a comfortable life and doesn't want anyone to take it from him. You never hear the candidates applauding the enterprising businessperson who took a huge chance, risked bankruptcy and reputation, but slowly and surely became wealthy. Instead, you hear about how somebody's offended because of something some idiot said on the radio, or put on the cover of the New Yorker. You hear about a lot of stuff that doesn't matter.

You also hear a lot about people who, for some reason or another, think they are entitled to more free stuff. Now, I'm not against universal health care, but why do the candidates always talk about health care like it's some debt which is long overdue? I'm all for ending unemployment, but why do candidates talk about getting jobs for people when they don't even know if those people want those jobs? How did the Republican Party become the party of haves and the Democratic Party the party of have nots? It's the victors against the victims.

Barack Obama talks about change. Ok, nobody knows what the hell he's talking about so I'm not even going to speculate about what's going on in his head. Probably nothing other than the insatiable desire to become the first black president. In truth, "change" is one of those buzz words that you can personalize to suit any need you may have. I don't make enough money so Obama's going to change that and get me a big fat raise. I don't have affordable health insurance. Obama's going to change that and get me a medical plan. What else is he going to change? To pay for universal health care, he'd better change your taxes -- which means raising them. To get you more money, he'd better change taxes again -- which means raising them again.

I guess Obama could end the Iraq War. That would be a change that would save us some money. Then we could all hang our heads in shame cause we got our asses beat once again. First Viet Nam, now Iraq. But we got change. And we can act like victims again. See how it all works out?

If Obama gets elected, I'm sure one of two things will happen. We could get lucky, like Bill Clinton, and have another economic boom and a long period of peace. Don't think Obama can bring that -- he can't. Or we can slip into a deep and dark recession while the rest of the world tears itself to pieces. But if that happens, it will be George Bush's fault because he screwed things up so bad that even four years of Obama couldn't fix it. Of course, we can still play the victim.

Imbecile Magazine Photo Awards; Winners Announced!

Honorable Mention:
Best Feature: Losers 4
When our Imbecile journalists went hunting for news, Huge G. Moron came up with this candid shot of four losers attempting to woo a couple of hot chicks. The girls, of course, were disgusted, but the optimistic looks on the faces of all four imbeciles were priceless. I'm sure they still all had dates that night -- with Rosy Palm!

4th Place

Cover Story: The Moron
Nothing told the story of Imbecile Magazine better than a full frontal shot of an actual moron. This guy, with his giant sweatshirt, saggy jeans, and exposed giant underpants was the embodiment of everything we're all about. Thanks, idiot, for making our premiere issue so special!

3rd Place

Special Investigation: Beer Bong Idiots

In one of our most celebrated exposes, Imbecile Magazine went behind the scenes in a college dorm to investigate the antics of "beer bongers," imbeciles who can't seem to get enough alcohol simply by drinking it out of a cup or a bottle. We learned that, contrary to popular belief, these people are actually technically classified as humans, though it seems more fitting they should spend their lives in a zoo where they can be more easily studied.

2nd Place

Lifestyle Page: Chillin' at Micky D's

For our career section, we offered a unique glimpse into the number one profession chosen by imbeciles: Fast Food. After the dream of becoming a rap artist finally dies, most imbeciles jump behind the counter to finance their marijuana habits. It's also great when you've constantly got the munchies. Ready for another double cheeseburger?

And the winner is...

Spot News: Geronimo!
This once-in-a-lifetime photo didn't come from an Imbecile Magazine staffer. It was submitted by a loyal reader. Apparently, someone was in the right place at the right time when a carload of annoying idiots careened over Dumass Cliff at the end of Geronimo Road. Normally, we get criticized for airing too much negative news, but when we ran this story, the kudos kept coming and coming! You're welcome!!!

Victim In Ocean Plunge Was Big Sissy; Received Wedgie From A Girl

At least one of the victims of last week's deadly ocean plunge was not the "gangsta" he purported to be. Rather, Theodore T. Twinkleton or "G-Spot," as he like to be called, was a big sissy who often suffered the taunts of young girls, one of whom gave him a very public and embarassing wedgie at Venice Beach six months ago. As new details emerge about the four imbeciles whose car careened over Dumbass Cliff, a much different portrait is being painted of the victims than the one the victims attempted to present themselves.

In sharp contrast to their frequent displays of rude behavior and violent posturing, the imbeciles who died last week were true cowards, according to those who knew them the best. For instance, as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor, they screamed like little babies, calling out for their "mommies" to come save them. Divers who recovered the vehicle report that the car was found in relatively shallow waters, which raises numerous questions about the imbeciles' total inability to save themselves.

"That car was in just six feet of water," said Deputy C. Hunt, captain of the Fuking Beach Police Rescue Diving Team. "Those boys freaked out for no reason."

Though autopsy results have not been made public, sources say the coroner has listed the cause of death as "drowning caused by unecessary panicking and generally being a big, fat wimp."

"Even the medical examiner couldn't explain it," said Deputy Hunt. "You have four, supposedly able bodied boys, none of whom can swim a lick and all of whom are crying their eyes out and soiling themselves."

Though few of the victims' relatives have come forward to provide background information on the imbeciles, the sister of one victim, Terri Twinkleton, did agree to be interviewed about her brother, Theodore, who is circled in the photo below.

"He acted like, tough and mean and cool and all," she said. "But underneath he was like, a big sissy."

Twinkleton recalled one incident at Venice Beach approximately six months ago during which her brother received an "atomic wedgie" from a petite female whom he and his "gang members" had been ogling.

"The girl's boyfriend was like, going to clean his clock and like, she stepped in. She like, knocked him to his knees and like, pulled his boxers way over his head. He was like, sobbing like a little baby. The girl's boyfriend was like, laughing his ass off."

Many residents believed the imbeciles were dangerous characters because of the way they acted and dressed. Some believed that they were attempting to embody the characters in the violent rap songs that they often blasted out of their car windows.

"If I'd know these guys were such wimps, I would have knocked their fake gold teeth down their throats," said one resident. "They were so annoying."

Though police are still investigating the accident, they have already concluded that the imbeciles ignored the "Road Ends: Danger" sign at the end of Geronimo Road and went over the cliff. Apparently, someone put up a hoax sign which read "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead." Police speculate that someone intended to trick the imbeciles into going over the cliff and into the ocean.

"They tricked them alright," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "Though I can't say it was all that hard. They were, after all, a bunch of imbeciles."

Deputy Donutz says police have interviewed hundreds of residents who may have seen the person put up the "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" sign. However, none would agree to provide statements.

"I guess that guy is now some kind of a hero seeing that he got rid of these idiots once and for all. Perhaps this crime is best left unsolved. I don't know."

Witnesses Allegedly Laughed While Imbeciles Drowned

As the final moments ticked away in the lives of four drowning imbeciles, some witnesses to the incident allegedly held their guts in uproarious laughter, say sources close to the investigation. According to a photograph supposedly taken aboard a nearby boating party as the imbeciles' car was slowly sinking into the ocean, the four imbeciles can be seen screaming like little babies while a witness on shore is nearly doubled over in hysterical laughter.

Last week, the four imbeciles met their untimely deaths when their car careened over Dumass Cliff after crashing through a roadblock at the end of Geronimo Road. According to Fuking Beach Police, the driver apparently ignored a "Road Ends: Danger" sign which was designed to discourage drivers from going any further. Police speculate the imbeciles may have been misled by a hoax sign which read: "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead."

As police gathered more and more witness reports, it became abundantly clear that the imbeciles, who were universally disliked for their loud music and juvenile behavior, did not die dignified deaths. Instead, witnesses report they screamed and cried like little babies, calling out for their "mommies" instead of gathering up the courage to try and save their own lives. Yesterday, police conducted additional interviews which, according to sources, indicate that some witnesses may have nearly died of laughter as the imbeciles slowly sank to the ocean floor.
"We have some unconfirmed reports as well as the photograph," said Deputy Duncan Donutz, the lead investigator on the case. "The picture don't lie. It shows a guy about to bust a gut watching them boys scream bloody murder."

Some photographic experts disagree, saying the photo shows a clearly distressed and confused man witnessing a tragedy that's unfolding in front of him.

"People can have different facial expressions," said Noah Tall, a forensic photographic expert retained by Imbecile Magazine. "I believe the man was so distressed that his fear turned into temporary madness. You know, like one of those mad scientists who is so filled with evil that he appears to be laughing. It's not like there's anything funny. They've just gone completely nuts."

"That dude is having a big old chuckle watching them boys sink," countered Deputy Donutz. "I don't care what the high falooting experts says."

Deputy Donutz says his interpretation of the events is further bolstered by a police videotape made when the imbeciles' bodies were pulled out of the water.

"There was a big crowd gathered around them on the beach, and you can clearly hear some definite snickerin' in the background. You now, 'hee hee hee' and 'ha ha ha' and stuff like that."

Deputy Donutz acknowledges that many of those who were laughing may have simply been relieved to be free of the imbeciles once and for all. Police say numerous reports were filed accusing the imbeciles of disturbing residents by cruising the streets, blasting their loud rap and hip-hop music.

"They were horrible," said one resident who filed more than a dozen complaints. "They would taunt every female their saw, regardless of age. They blasted their music out of that ugly car 24 hours a day. Frankly, good riddance to bad rubbish."

Police say funeral services for the imbeciles have not been scheduled. As of press time, no one had come to claim the bodies.

"I guess their relatives are too embarrassed," said Deputy Donutz. "I don't blame them. Them boys were a bunch of jerks."

United We Stand -- And Wait For The Idiot In Front Of Us To Stuff His Giant Bag In An Overhead Bin That Any Idiot Can Tell is WAY TOO SMALL!!

Starting today, United Airlines starts charging its customers to check their first bag of luggage. Brilliant! This is going to help the airline save money so it can keep prices low, making air travel affordable. It's also going to help offset soaring fuel costs. Great idea, huh? WRONG! IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER! AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY!!!!!

In the old days, flying was something that only classy people did. Scumbags took the bus because, first, they couldn't afford to fly and, second, they figured that big metal bird was be too heavy and would surely fall right out of the air. Now, life is different. Everyone flies -- rich people, poor people, classy people, dirt balls, rednecks, activists, and most of all -- cheapskates.

The cheapskates are the ones who are going to do us in. Do you think they are going to pay to check a piece of luggage? Hell to the NO! They don't even want to pay for the ticket! This is why they are on your flight, sitting in the middle seat with their backpack, fanny pack, and every other pack sticking out in every direction so the teeny bit of room you have been allotted is swallowed up by their own inconsiderate ineptitude.

The cheapskates are never going to pay to check their luggage. Instead, they are going to lug it on board as a carry-on. Now, I know what you're thinking. The airlines are going to have to limit the types of carry-ons that people bring aboard the aircraft, right? The airline employees are going to have to diligently scrutinize everyone who checks in at those kiosks, or lines up behind the counter -- making sure that no over sized carry-ons get past their inquisitive eyes. Right? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT'S WHAT WE CALL WORK! YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!?!

No, the airline employees are going to let the system collapse under its own weight. They aren't going to pick fights with people at the ticket counter. They aren't going to run up to people at the kiosks and say, "you know you have to check that, don't you?" They are going to let the s--t hit the fan when it causes the most impact -- WHEN THE MORON TRIES TO STUFF THAT GIANT THING UP IN THE OVERHEAD BIN AND THE REST OF US ARE WATCHING, FANTASIZING ABOUT SENDING HIM TO AN EARLY GRAVE!

The employees are going to let us, the passengers, get a first hand look at how these stupid policies come into play. After listening to the flight attendant call for all the privileged people to board first (First Class, Business Class, Premiere Class, High Class, Elite Club members, etc.), the friendly attendant is going to announce that all the peasants may now come aboard the aircraft. At that moment, we will face a human log jam, the likes of which we have never seen. Every fourth passenger is going to hold up the line trying to cram the wholly mammoth of suitcases into that tiny overhead bin. And no matter how impossible it appears, they will never give up. They will stuff, and push, and cram, and jam, and shift, and smash, and ram -- until everything else in the bin is flattened like a pancake -- just so they can save a few lousy bucks!

Happy August 18. United we stand -- and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait....

In Final Minutes, Imbeciles Screamed Like Babies; Preliminary Reports Indicate Victims Were Not Tough Guys After All

Early reports of last week's terrifying ocean plunge that killed four imbeciles indicate that the all four victims cried like little babies as they helplessly drowned. Fuking Beach Police report that the victims' car, a 1990 Ford Escort, which was modified to look as ridiculous as possible, careened over Dumass Cliff last week when the driver failed to heed a "Road Ends" sign. Police say the imbeciles were apparently fooled by a earlier sign that read: "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" and, as a result, ignored the "Danger: Road Ends" sign at the end of Geronimo Road.

Though autopsies have yet to be performed, witnesses say the imbeciles screamed for mercy as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor. The victims, who called themselves "Gangstas" and played violent rap music at deafening volumes in otherwise quiet neighborhoods, purported to be "badasses" who should be feared by all.

"They acted like tough guys, but, in reality, they were a bunch of wimps," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "When we pulled them out of the water, all four of them had soiled their britches."

According to relatives, none of the victims was able to swim. Nor did they have the sense to tread water for even two minutes until rescue crews arrived.

"They panicked like little babies, crying for their mommies," said Deputy Donutz. "It was embarrassing."

Approximately one hour prior to the crash, the victims had been cruising Geronimo Road, ogling young girls and threatening passersby. One resident said the imbeciles had been waving gang signs.

"They said something like 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that," said Bill Oni. "Next thing you know they're floating in the ocean, peeing all over themselves. God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?"

The mother of one victim recalls signing her son up for swimming lessons several years ago, but then learning that he constantly cut class in order to hang out with his "home boys" and smoke "the chronic."

"He said he was 'too cool for the pool,'" she said. "I think he was just embarrassed because he looked horrible in a bathing suit. He was more comfortable wearing those saggy pants with his underpants sticking out the back."

The pool lifeguard remembers the boy coming to class on the first day, then abruptly leaving.

"He wanted to wear a backwards baseball cap and a giant long sleeve flannel shirt in the water," said Al Depantzya, Senior Lifeguard. "I told him 'no' and he made some gang sign and jumped in a red car with loud music playing. I think he said something like, 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that."