Otherwise Celebratory Convention Is Marred By Sarcastic Protests: One Arrested

An otherwise celebratory Democratic National Convention was marred by more protests last night, bringing to one the number of protesters taken into custody. Police say Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm was arrested last night after hurling cynical and sarcastic remarks at conventioneers -- calling them wimps and sissies.

Police say Fishbalm had been lurking outside the convention hall for several days holding a sign that read "Hang Bush and Cheney." Convention officials banned Fishbalm from many events because he appeared to be mentally unstable.

Last night, Fishbalm stood outside the hall, spewing insults at conventioneers as they entered and exited.

"He said, 'if you really want change, you'll string up those bastards,' referring to the President and Vice-President," said Officer Duncan Donutz of the Denver Police Department. "Every time someone would try to make a speech, he would say something like 'off with their heads' or 'chop their balls off.' People were just getting sick of him yelling in their ears."

Police say Fishbalm does have a prior criminal record. Several months ago, he was charged with assault and attempted murder after throwing a frappacino into the face of a Starbucks customer. Fishbalm is still awaiting trial on that charge.

Obama Accepts Nomination, Calls for Change

Democratic Presidential Nominee and World Renown celebrity Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination for president, capping off a week of highly predictable events.

As the candidate rose to the podium to accept the honor and thank his supporters, he gave a rousing speech, calling for "change in America, and change for the world."

"We campaigned on a promise of change, and change is what we plan to bring to not only this country, but to the world," proclaimed the candidate.

Obama's speech was peppered with promises of "change" and "more change." At one point, he promised that, if elected, he would "bring change to America."

"We campaigned on a platform of change and you responded. Now, we are going to move forward with change. It will be a big change. The kind of change that will make Americans say, 'Wow, things have really changed.'"

Obama also spoke about changing the way government is run.

"You asked for change when you voted for me. I will bring you change. You will know that things have change because I am the great changer."

Since announcing his candidacy several months ago, Obama's "change" platform has resonated well with voters. During his speech, he hinted that change will be a top priority.

"I will not hesitate to implement change if I have to," he said. "I will not withhold change if change is needed. I will bring change when change is warranted. I will make sure that change remains on the table at all times."

To that, the crowd cheered wildly. Many in the audience waved signs and banners which read: "Change."

"I just love him," said one supporter on the convention floor. "He's going to change everything. I can't wait."

"We need to be inspired. And nothing inspires like promises of change," said yet another supporter.

In addressing his subjects, Obama blasted the Bush administration for "destroying the country and ruining everything."

"President Bush messed everything up, I want to change that. That's what this talk of change is all about. Changing the way we do business, changing the way we do things."

Obama Arrives In Denver to Receive Crown, I Mean -- Nomination

Democratic Presidential Nominee and World Renown Celebrity Barack Obama stepped off his plane today in royal splendor, eagerly awaiting to be named the Democratic Party's choice for president.

Obama was greeted by a throng of photographers and journalists, as well as millions of adoring fans. Many of them travelled from as far away as Mars just to get a glimpse of the candidate.

"Take me to your possible future leader," said C9x4+@, a Martian physician on sabbatical in Estes Park, Colorado.

At least 600,000 women fainted when Obama deplaned. Many were treated at area hospitals.

"We admitted 40,000 women at our hospital alone," said Dr. Seymour Hyney of Good Samaritan Hospital in East Denver. "Most were suffering from exposure. Apparently, Obama loosened his collar and unbuttoned a few shirt buttons. They just lost it."

As party officials plan their welcoming ceremony, others are debating whether to simply crown Obama "King Of America."

"We've got some experts looking into whether that would be constitutionally permissible," said Reid Tard, a party official. "I think we have a good argument for making him a monarch."

It's Demo Time!

Daa-da-da-da da-da da-da. Daa-da-da-da da-da da-da. Yea! It's time for the Democratic Convention. Yea! Who will be the nominee? What's going to happen? Will the speeches be inspiring? Will we get goosebumps and lumps in our throats?

Hey - there's a reason the networks don't carry this stuff anymore. The convention hasn't even started and I'm already bored. What happened to using the convention to actually pick a candidate? What happened to all the suspense? We know how this story is going to end. Those reruns of Gilligan's Island aren't looking so bad.

Maybe there will be a few surprises. Maybe we'll hear about some more victims. Being a victim has become kind of synonymous with being a Democrat. You never hear the candidates sticking up for the guy who is living a comfortable life and doesn't want anyone to take it from him. You never hear the candidates applauding the enterprising businessperson who took a huge chance, risked bankruptcy and reputation, but slowly and surely became wealthy. Instead, you hear about how somebody's offended because of something some idiot said on the radio, or put on the cover of the New Yorker. You hear about a lot of stuff that doesn't matter.

You also hear a lot about people who, for some reason or another, think they are entitled to more free stuff. Now, I'm not against universal health care, but why do the candidates always talk about health care like it's some debt which is long overdue? I'm all for ending unemployment, but why do candidates talk about getting jobs for people when they don't even know if those people want those jobs? How did the Republican Party become the party of haves and the Democratic Party the party of have nots? It's the victors against the victims.

Barack Obama talks about change. Ok, nobody knows what the hell he's talking about so I'm not even going to speculate about what's going on in his head. Probably nothing other than the insatiable desire to become the first black president. In truth, "change" is one of those buzz words that you can personalize to suit any need you may have. I don't make enough money so Obama's going to change that and get me a big fat raise. I don't have affordable health insurance. Obama's going to change that and get me a medical plan. What else is he going to change? To pay for universal health care, he'd better change your taxes -- which means raising them. To get you more money, he'd better change taxes again -- which means raising them again.

I guess Obama could end the Iraq War. That would be a change that would save us some money. Then we could all hang our heads in shame cause we got our asses beat once again. First Viet Nam, now Iraq. But we got change. And we can act like victims again. See how it all works out?

If Obama gets elected, I'm sure one of two things will happen. We could get lucky, like Bill Clinton, and have another economic boom and a long period of peace. Don't think Obama can bring that -- he can't. Or we can slip into a deep and dark recession while the rest of the world tears itself to pieces. But if that happens, it will be George Bush's fault because he screwed things up so bad that even four years of Obama couldn't fix it. Of course, we can still play the victim.

Imbecile Magazine Photo Awards; Winners Announced!

Honorable Mention:
Best Feature: Losers 4
When our Imbecile journalists went hunting for news, Huge G. Moron came up with this candid shot of four losers attempting to woo a couple of hot chicks. The girls, of course, were disgusted, but the optimistic looks on the faces of all four imbeciles were priceless. I'm sure they still all had dates that night -- with Rosy Palm!

4th Place

Cover Story: The Moron
Nothing told the story of Imbecile Magazine better than a full frontal shot of an actual moron. This guy, with his giant sweatshirt, saggy jeans, and exposed giant underpants was the embodiment of everything we're all about. Thanks, idiot, for making our premiere issue so special!

3rd Place

Special Investigation: Beer Bong Idiots

In one of our most celebrated exposes, Imbecile Magazine went behind the scenes in a college dorm to investigate the antics of "beer bongers," imbeciles who can't seem to get enough alcohol simply by drinking it out of a cup or a bottle. We learned that, contrary to popular belief, these people are actually technically classified as humans, though it seems more fitting they should spend their lives in a zoo where they can be more easily studied.

2nd Place

Lifestyle Page: Chillin' at Micky D's

For our career section, we offered a unique glimpse into the number one profession chosen by imbeciles: Fast Food. After the dream of becoming a rap artist finally dies, most imbeciles jump behind the counter to finance their marijuana habits. It's also great when you've constantly got the munchies. Ready for another double cheeseburger?

And the winner is...

Spot News: Geronimo!
This once-in-a-lifetime photo didn't come from an Imbecile Magazine staffer. It was submitted by a loyal reader. Apparently, someone was in the right place at the right time when a carload of annoying idiots careened over Dumass Cliff at the end of Geronimo Road. Normally, we get criticized for airing too much negative news, but when we ran this story, the kudos kept coming and coming! You're welcome!!!

Victim In Ocean Plunge Was Big Sissy; Received Wedgie From A Girl

At least one of the victims of last week's deadly ocean plunge was not the "gangsta" he purported to be. Rather, Theodore T. Twinkleton or "G-Spot," as he like to be called, was a big sissy who often suffered the taunts of young girls, one of whom gave him a very public and embarassing wedgie at Venice Beach six months ago. As new details emerge about the four imbeciles whose car careened over Dumbass Cliff, a much different portrait is being painted of the victims than the one the victims attempted to present themselves.

In sharp contrast to their frequent displays of rude behavior and violent posturing, the imbeciles who died last week were true cowards, according to those who knew them the best. For instance, as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor, they screamed like little babies, calling out for their "mommies" to come save them. Divers who recovered the vehicle report that the car was found in relatively shallow waters, which raises numerous questions about the imbeciles' total inability to save themselves.

"That car was in just six feet of water," said Deputy C. Hunt, captain of the Fuking Beach Police Rescue Diving Team. "Those boys freaked out for no reason."

Though autopsy results have not been made public, sources say the coroner has listed the cause of death as "drowning caused by unecessary panicking and generally being a big, fat wimp."

"Even the medical examiner couldn't explain it," said Deputy Hunt. "You have four, supposedly able bodied boys, none of whom can swim a lick and all of whom are crying their eyes out and soiling themselves."

Though few of the victims' relatives have come forward to provide background information on the imbeciles, the sister of one victim, Terri Twinkleton, did agree to be interviewed about her brother, Theodore, who is circled in the photo below.

"He acted like, tough and mean and cool and all," she said. "But underneath he was like, a big sissy."

Twinkleton recalled one incident at Venice Beach approximately six months ago during which her brother received an "atomic wedgie" from a petite female whom he and his "gang members" had been ogling.

"The girl's boyfriend was like, going to clean his clock and like, she stepped in. She like, knocked him to his knees and like, pulled his boxers way over his head. He was like, sobbing like a little baby. The girl's boyfriend was like, laughing his ass off."

Many residents believed the imbeciles were dangerous characters because of the way they acted and dressed. Some believed that they were attempting to embody the characters in the violent rap songs that they often blasted out of their car windows.

"If I'd know these guys were such wimps, I would have knocked their fake gold teeth down their throats," said one resident. "They were so annoying."

Though police are still investigating the accident, they have already concluded that the imbeciles ignored the "Road Ends: Danger" sign at the end of Geronimo Road and went over the cliff. Apparently, someone put up a hoax sign which read "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead." Police speculate that someone intended to trick the imbeciles into going over the cliff and into the ocean.

"They tricked them alright," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "Though I can't say it was all that hard. They were, after all, a bunch of imbeciles."

Deputy Donutz says police have interviewed hundreds of residents who may have seen the person put up the "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" sign. However, none would agree to provide statements.

"I guess that guy is now some kind of a hero seeing that he got rid of these idiots once and for all. Perhaps this crime is best left unsolved. I don't know."

Witnesses Allegedly Laughed While Imbeciles Drowned

As the final moments ticked away in the lives of four drowning imbeciles, some witnesses to the incident allegedly held their guts in uproarious laughter, say sources close to the investigation. According to a photograph supposedly taken aboard a nearby boating party as the imbeciles' car was slowly sinking into the ocean, the four imbeciles can be seen screaming like little babies while a witness on shore is nearly doubled over in hysterical laughter.

Last week, the four imbeciles met their untimely deaths when their car careened over Dumass Cliff after crashing through a roadblock at the end of Geronimo Road. According to Fuking Beach Police, the driver apparently ignored a "Road Ends: Danger" sign which was designed to discourage drivers from going any further. Police speculate the imbeciles may have been misled by a hoax sign which read: "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead."

As police gathered more and more witness reports, it became abundantly clear that the imbeciles, who were universally disliked for their loud music and juvenile behavior, did not die dignified deaths. Instead, witnesses report they screamed and cried like little babies, calling out for their "mommies" instead of gathering up the courage to try and save their own lives. Yesterday, police conducted additional interviews which, according to sources, indicate that some witnesses may have nearly died of laughter as the imbeciles slowly sank to the ocean floor.
"We have some unconfirmed reports as well as the photograph," said Deputy Duncan Donutz, the lead investigator on the case. "The picture don't lie. It shows a guy about to bust a gut watching them boys scream bloody murder."

Some photographic experts disagree, saying the photo shows a clearly distressed and confused man witnessing a tragedy that's unfolding in front of him.

"People can have different facial expressions," said Noah Tall, a forensic photographic expert retained by Imbecile Magazine. "I believe the man was so distressed that his fear turned into temporary madness. You know, like one of those mad scientists who is so filled with evil that he appears to be laughing. It's not like there's anything funny. They've just gone completely nuts."

"That dude is having a big old chuckle watching them boys sink," countered Deputy Donutz. "I don't care what the high falooting experts says."

Deputy Donutz says his interpretation of the events is further bolstered by a police videotape made when the imbeciles' bodies were pulled out of the water.

"There was a big crowd gathered around them on the beach, and you can clearly hear some definite snickerin' in the background. You now, 'hee hee hee' and 'ha ha ha' and stuff like that."

Deputy Donutz acknowledges that many of those who were laughing may have simply been relieved to be free of the imbeciles once and for all. Police say numerous reports were filed accusing the imbeciles of disturbing residents by cruising the streets, blasting their loud rap and hip-hop music.

"They were horrible," said one resident who filed more than a dozen complaints. "They would taunt every female their saw, regardless of age. They blasted their music out of that ugly car 24 hours a day. Frankly, good riddance to bad rubbish."

Police say funeral services for the imbeciles have not been scheduled. As of press time, no one had come to claim the bodies.

"I guess their relatives are too embarrassed," said Deputy Donutz. "I don't blame them. Them boys were a bunch of jerks."

United We Stand -- And Wait For The Idiot In Front Of Us To Stuff His Giant Bag In An Overhead Bin That Any Idiot Can Tell is WAY TOO SMALL!!

Starting today, United Airlines starts charging its customers to check their first bag of luggage. Brilliant! This is going to help the airline save money so it can keep prices low, making air travel affordable. It's also going to help offset soaring fuel costs. Great idea, huh? WRONG! IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER! AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY!!!!!

In the old days, flying was something that only classy people did. Scumbags took the bus because, first, they couldn't afford to fly and, second, they figured that big metal bird was be too heavy and would surely fall right out of the air. Now, life is different. Everyone flies -- rich people, poor people, classy people, dirt balls, rednecks, activists, and most of all -- cheapskates.

The cheapskates are the ones who are going to do us in. Do you think they are going to pay to check a piece of luggage? Hell to the NO! They don't even want to pay for the ticket! This is why they are on your flight, sitting in the middle seat with their backpack, fanny pack, and every other pack sticking out in every direction so the teeny bit of room you have been allotted is swallowed up by their own inconsiderate ineptitude.

The cheapskates are never going to pay to check their luggage. Instead, they are going to lug it on board as a carry-on. Now, I know what you're thinking. The airlines are going to have to limit the types of carry-ons that people bring aboard the aircraft, right? The airline employees are going to have to diligently scrutinize everyone who checks in at those kiosks, or lines up behind the counter -- making sure that no over sized carry-ons get past their inquisitive eyes. Right? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT'S WHAT WE CALL WORK! YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!?!

No, the airline employees are going to let the system collapse under its own weight. They aren't going to pick fights with people at the ticket counter. They aren't going to run up to people at the kiosks and say, "you know you have to check that, don't you?" They are going to let the s--t hit the fan when it causes the most impact -- WHEN THE MORON TRIES TO STUFF THAT GIANT THING UP IN THE OVERHEAD BIN AND THE REST OF US ARE WATCHING, FANTASIZING ABOUT SENDING HIM TO AN EARLY GRAVE!

The employees are going to let us, the passengers, get a first hand look at how these stupid policies come into play. After listening to the flight attendant call for all the privileged people to board first (First Class, Business Class, Premiere Class, High Class, Elite Club members, etc.), the friendly attendant is going to announce that all the peasants may now come aboard the aircraft. At that moment, we will face a human log jam, the likes of which we have never seen. Every fourth passenger is going to hold up the line trying to cram the wholly mammoth of suitcases into that tiny overhead bin. And no matter how impossible it appears, they will never give up. They will stuff, and push, and cram, and jam, and shift, and smash, and ram -- until everything else in the bin is flattened like a pancake -- just so they can save a few lousy bucks!

Happy August 18. United we stand -- and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait....

In Final Minutes, Imbeciles Screamed Like Babies; Preliminary Reports Indicate Victims Were Not Tough Guys After All

Early reports of last week's terrifying ocean plunge that killed four imbeciles indicate that the all four victims cried like little babies as they helplessly drowned. Fuking Beach Police report that the victims' car, a 1990 Ford Escort, which was modified to look as ridiculous as possible, careened over Dumass Cliff last week when the driver failed to heed a "Road Ends" sign. Police say the imbeciles were apparently fooled by a earlier sign that read: "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" and, as a result, ignored the "Danger: Road Ends" sign at the end of Geronimo Road.

Though autopsies have yet to be performed, witnesses say the imbeciles screamed for mercy as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor. The victims, who called themselves "Gangstas" and played violent rap music at deafening volumes in otherwise quiet neighborhoods, purported to be "badasses" who should be feared by all.

"They acted like tough guys, but, in reality, they were a bunch of wimps," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "When we pulled them out of the water, all four of them had soiled their britches."

According to relatives, none of the victims was able to swim. Nor did they have the sense to tread water for even two minutes until rescue crews arrived.

"They panicked like little babies, crying for their mommies," said Deputy Donutz. "It was embarrassing."

Approximately one hour prior to the crash, the victims had been cruising Geronimo Road, ogling young girls and threatening passersby. One resident said the imbeciles had been waving gang signs.

"They said something like 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that," said Bill Oni. "Next thing you know they're floating in the ocean, peeing all over themselves. God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?"

The mother of one victim recalls signing her son up for swimming lessons several years ago, but then learning that he constantly cut class in order to hang out with his "home boys" and smoke "the chronic."

"He said he was 'too cool for the pool,'" she said. "I think he was just embarrassed because he looked horrible in a bathing suit. He was more comfortable wearing those saggy pants with his underpants sticking out the back."

The pool lifeguard remembers the boy coming to class on the first day, then abruptly leaving.

"He wanted to wear a backwards baseball cap and a giant long sleeve flannel shirt in the water," said Al Depantzya, Senior Lifeguard. "I told him 'no' and he made some gang sign and jumped in a red car with loud music playing. I think he said something like, 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that."

Hoax Sign May Have Caused Imbecile Deaths

A sign purporting to direct motorists to a "pretty girl" may have been a factor in the two crashes last week that killed four imbeciles and ritically injured four others last week. Fuking Beach Police Detective Noah Klu says investigators have recovered time lapse photographs showing the second car of imbeciles careening over the cliff at the end of Geronimo Road. The first photograph depicts the car passing a sign that reads "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead." In the second photograph, the imbeciles' vehicle crashes through a barrier and warning sign that reads "Road Ends DANGER."

"I reckon they was fixated on the sign about the pretty girl and just kept on driving. That's what I think," said Klu, who has yet to solve his first case. "They must of thought that there was a pretty girl waiting for em at the end of the road. Tough break."

Det. Klu says the photographs may be used as evidence against the individual who constructed the hoax sign. Detectives speculate that the imbeciles were the victims of an elaborate set up.

Residents who live along Geronimo Road have complained about the imbeciles for years. Police released more than 5000 complaints today in which residents reported incidences of loud music, harassing female pedestrians, littering, and other anti-social behavior.

"They were a menace," said one resident who asked to remain anonymous. "They whistled everytime they saw a woman walking down the street. They urinated out of the car windows. They were disgusting."

Given that the imbeciles were so disliked, Detective Klu speculates that the investigation will be concluded without anyone being charged.

"Whoever planted that sign did the community a huge favor," said Det. Klu. "It's going to be near impossible to find someone on the jury who will want to convict."

Second Car Of Imbeciles Goes Over Cliff

In what can only be described as a bizarre coincidence, a second car full of imbeciles went over Dumbass Cliff yesterday, plunging more than 200 feet into the ocean below. Like last week, the imbeciles were riding in a 1990 Ford Escort, which was modified to look as ridiculous as possible. Also, just like last week, the driver careened over the cliff, apparently ignoring all signs indicating that the road was about to end.

"It was a freak accident," said Fuking Beach Sheriff's Deputy Duncan Donutz, "A bunch of freaks killed in an accident!"

Deputy Donutz said all four imbeciles were probably drowned. According to the victims' relatives, who asked not to be identified because the imbeciles were so notoriously obnoxious, none of the victims knew how to swim.

"They loved the ocean," said one relative, identified as Jane D. "But only to the extent they could cruise the main beach strip, ogling at girls in bikinis. When it came to swimming, they didn't have a clue."

According to Deputy Donutz, the victims' lives might have been spared if they had been able to tread water until rescuers arrived. Apparently, a rescue boat was on the scene within two minutes.

"They coulda dog paddled and still been alive today," he said. "I guess a dog has more sense then they did."

This morning, a memorial service was scheduled for the victims but was cancelled due to lack of interest.

"About the only friends they had were the other four imbeciles who went over the cliff last week. But they're still in the hospital on life support," said Deputy Donutz.

"Actually," said Jane D., "it's a big relief. Those boys were so annoying. The neighbors were constantly threatening to burn my house down every time they came around."

In memory of the duel crashes, Fuking Beach has organized a special service for this weekend. The event has tentatively been titled "The Big Fun Festival Carnival and Celebration" but organizers are considering toning down the celebratory implications out of respect for the victims.

"We don't want to seem like we're gloating that these clods are finally out of our hair for good," said Byrum N. Koke, the event chairman. "So we're going to keep the parade down to under 100 floats. Of course, we'll still have plenty of clowns, acrobats, and rides. It will be a good opportunity for people to get together and grieve."

Police Say Alcohol, Stupidity Played Role In Beach Crash

A spokesman for the Fuking Beach County Sheriff's Department confirmed today that alcohol and stupidity played significant roles in last week's crash that severely injured four imbeciles. Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz said numerous beer bottles were found at the crash scene, which was was located approximately 200 feet below the site where the imbeciles careened over a steep cliff at the end of Geronimo Road.

According to Deputy Donutz, the 1990 Ford Escort, which had been modified to look as ridiculous as possible, went over Dumass Cliff, which is heavily marked with signs warning drivers that the road is ending.

"I reckon they just didn't see the sign," said Deputy Donutz. "They just having a good ole time and not paying attention to nothing."

All four imbeciles remain in intensive care in critical condition at Hope Ya Dysoon Hospital in Fucking Beach. Though none of the imbeciles showed any brain activity as of last night, doctors are not particularly alarmed.

"We've compared some of the CTSCANs with prior ones and noticed there was no change," said Dr. Al "Berry" Yoo. "In my opinion, the lack of brain activity was a pre-existing condition and can't really be blamed on the accident."

This morning, police said they found flowers scattered around the crash site. Originally, they thought well wishers were erecting a small memorial for the victims, but it was later learned that the flowers were the result of a romantic squabble that occurred several hours before the car went over the cliff.

"This guy brought his girlfriend some flowers to the beach," said Deputy Donutz. "But then he tried to get her to take her top off, so she told him to take the flowers and shove 'em and tossed them on the ground. Turns out it had nothing to do with the crash at all!"

The victims' acquaintances describe them as loud, obnoxious, and immature. Some said privately that the crash couldn't have happened to a bigger bunch of annoying idiots.

"It's weird," said one ex-friend of the driver, who asked not to be identified. "You see morons like that driving down the road and you start fantasizing about how cool it would be if they suddenly went over a cliff. Well, now you have it."

Car Full of Imbeciles Goes Over Cliff; No One Cares

This just in. Fuking Beach Police report that a car full of imbeciles careened over a cliff on Geronimo Road this afternoon, plunging some 200 feet into the rocky coastline below. Details are still sketchy, but early reports indicate that no one cares. The imbeciles, whose names are being withheld pending notification of someone who might care, suffered severe head injuries which apparently had no effect on their intelligence. Witnesses say the imbeciles were ogling a pretty girl who was walking down Geronimo Road when the driver apparently failed to see a large sign which reads "Danger: Road Ends."
According to witnesses, the imbeciles are well known in the Fuking Beach community for their loud music and rude behavior. Said one resident, "They will be sorely missed...NOT!"

Candidates Ratchet Up Campaign Ads; Critics Say Campaign Is Getting Negative

Both candidates for the 2008 Presidential election released their new campaign ads today, fueling speculation that the upcoming campaign is starting to take on slightly negative overtones. Though spokespersons from both campaigns disagreed, critics say the candidates are beginning to drift from their original promises to run a positive race and keep the focus solely on their personal platforms.

For instance, the latest Obama ad depicts Republican Nominee John McCain strangling an infant. The caption reads: "Our children's future is at stake, are you willing to trust it to a BABY KILLER?" According to an Obama campaign spokeswoman, the ad is a reference to McCain's stint in the Viet Nam war, in which he was responsible for bombing villages, some containing North Vietnamese families.

"We're just pointing out the facts," said Anita Brane, Campaign Co-chair. "Senator McCain touts his record as a Viet Nam vet but never mentions that the bombs he dropped caused people to be burned to death."

The McCain camp has countered with an ad depicting Senator Barack Obama as a devil. The caption reads, "It's November 5 and Barack Obama has just been elected president. Welcome to Hell!!!!!!"

McCain campaign staffers deny that the ad is negative. Instead, they point out that it simply reminds voters that Obama is the anti-Christ.

"There's nothing negative about being Satan. Just ask all of his worshippers," said Dee Nile, McCain party spokeswoman. "We just think it's important for voters to know that Senator Obama is evil incarnate, that's all."

Critics point out that both ads put too much emphasis on the candidate's opponent, a sign that the campaign may be heading in a slightly negative direction.

"Unfortunately, instead of talking about themselves, the candidates are talking only about their opponents. This is a disturbing trend," said Heja Wyjablome, a media critic. "For instance, instead of calling John McCain a baby killer, Obama should have a picture of himself kissing a baby. The caption could read, 'I love children, but John McCain wants to burn your kids to death like he did in Viet Nam.'"

Wyjablome had a similar suggestion for the McCain campaign.

"He could have a picture of himself up in heaven, with a halo over his head. The caption could read, 'Barack Obama may be a forked tongued demon from Hades, but I'm a saint. So I'm not sweating it up here in paradise.'"

Obama staffers are quick to point out that the baby strangling ad was the result of a compromise between bickering advertising agencies.

"One agency wanted to show McCain exterminating all the Jews but we thought that might be a little misleading," said Brane.

Nile said the McCain camp faced a similar dilemma.

"Originally, we had Obama flying the second plane that struck the World Trade Center, and then jumping out with a parachute right before the impact. Some staffers thought that was a bit much. Hey, we all know Obama was responsible for 9-11, but there just wasn't enough proof to show that he was flying that particular aircraft."

Gay Rights Groups Pushing for Obama on $3 Bill

In the wake of the firestorm over whether Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama's image should appear on the dollar bill, several gay rights groups are calling for Obama to appear on a new $3 bill. The idea surfaced when Obama claimed that Republicans were uncomfortable electing a president who didn't look like the presidents on "those dollar bills." That caused the McCain camp to accuse Obama of playing the race card. Obama then attempted to clarify his remarks by stating that Republicans are uncomfortable with him "appearing" on a dollar bill. The McCain camp countered by saying, "that's not what you said, Obama." Obama then came back with, "well, that's what I meant." The McCain campaign then issued a press release accusing Obama of being a flip-flop. Obama then called McCain an old grump who still thinks he's fighting the Viet Nam War. The two candidates were scheduled to fight it out in the schoolyard but Obama backed out, saying that beating up McCain wasn't worth the effort. McCain responded by making "buck-buck" sounds, imitating a chicken.

At any rate, the dollar bill controversy seems to have sparked a call for Obama to adorn a brand new piece of U.S. currency, a three dollar bill. The proposal has also garnered the support of the Obama campaign, which views the idea as a great publicity tool.

"Just imagine," said Anita Brane, head of the Obama for Change Committee, "We can have slogans like - 'when you spend the Obama Bill, you always get Change. Isn't that creative?"

"No," said a McCain staffer. "It's ridiculous."

Many gay rights groups have been pushing the Treasury to design a $3 bill for several years. The National United Tolerance Committee Association for a Sane Environment (NUTCASE) believes that this latest controversy may be the perfect opportunity to push the idea through.

"We just think it make sense," said Percy Fledgefoot, resident of NUTCASE. "Actually, it makes 300 cents! Hee hee! Oh my! I made a funny!"

"Jesus," said another McCain staffer. "Why us?"

Meanwhile, Obama appears to have shifted his position on off-shore oil drilling, saying he would approve the the initiative if it was included in a broader package of making America more energy self-sufficient. The McCain campaign labeled Obama's shift as yet another "flip-flop."

"He's a flip-flop," said Reid Undant, chairman of the committee to Elect John McCain in the Face of Insurmountable Odds. "He's got more flip-flops than a Miami Beach surf shop."

Obama countered Undant's remark, noting that if Republicans saw him buying flip-flops in a Miami Beach surf shop, they would be uncomfortable.

"There he goes again, playing the race card," said Undant. "The next thing he's going to say is that if Republicans saw him at NASCAR, they would be uncomfortable. That would be like playing the race-race card. Hee hee. Oh my. I made a funny!"

Obama Says Voters Are Scared Of Having Him On $1 Bill

Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama says voters are uneasy with him being on the one dollar bill. Obama made the remark during a rally last night with supporters in Washington, D.C. , standing in front of the United States Mint.

"John McCain and his followers would have you believe that this country is not ready for someone like me to adorn our currency," said Obama. "It's time for a change."

McCain supporters say they don't know what their opponant is talking about.

"That guy is always whining about something," said one McCain staffer. "Why would anyone put him on the one dollar bill? It's absurd."

Last week, an Obama staffer accused Republicans of trying to scare voters by suggesting Obama "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills."

That prompted the McCain camp to suggest that Obama was playing the race card. The Obama campaign denied it was referring to race, then admitted that race was exactly what they were referring to. Facing pressure from voters who are tired of hearing about race, the Obama camp switched positions again and tried to re-clarify the remark.


"What we were trying to say is that Republicans are more comfortable with a president who looks like the presidents on dollar bills," said an Obama spokesman, back peddling.

For instance, Republicans want to elect someone who looks like George Washington, you know, someone who wears a powdered wig."

The spokesman added that Republicans also like presidents with funny beards, like Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, and Ulysses Grant, who appear on the five, twenty, and fifty dollar bills, respectively.

Asked if Obama thought Republicans were more interested in electing someone who looks like Alexander Hamilton, who appears on the ten dollar bill, the spokesman agreed.

"President Hamilton look more like what Republicans are interested in," he said. "But Americans are ready for change."

After a week of trading insults over the remark, Obama rephrased his remarks, stating that Republicans aren't comfortable with his image being on the one dollar bill. A Republican spokesman responded by pointing out that only dead persons are ever placed on U.S. currency. That prompted the Obama campaign to accuse the McCain campaign of wishing for Obama's assasination.

"Mr. McCain's remarks were unfortunate," said Obama.

Obama Close to Enough Miles for Upgrade

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has earned almost enough airline miles to upgrade from Economy to Business Class on his next flight, according to a spokesperson for Change Airlines, Obama's personal air carrier. The spokesperson says Obama has earned approximately nine and a half million miles, almost enough to upgrade one leg of his next domestic flight.

Since announcing his candidicy, Obama has flown almost exclusively with Change Airlines, which he credits with being the only air carrier to adopt his still undisclosed policies. Obama says Change Airlines will be the air carrier of the future, "bringing change to the millions of air travelers that want change when they fly."

Change Airlines, like its competitors, has changed the number of miles needed for an upgrade -- from ten thousand to ten million. However, airline passengers have seen few other differences between Change and the other air carriers.

"They bump you from your flight, cram you into tiny seats like sardines, and make you board last unless you buy an incredibly expensive ticket -- where's the change in all that?" asked one Change Airlines customers.

Obama predicts Change Airlines will better serve the lower income customer. However, he would not elaborate further.

"Yeah, right," said one disgrunted passenger. "They crammed me in the back, charged me for a coke, and snapped at me everytime I tried to put my tray table down. At the same time, Obama was up in first class getting a champagne bath."

Last year, Change, keeping true to its name, increased the amount of miles needed for a domestic upgrade from ten thousand to ten million. Other airlines have since followed suit.

"Change Airlines represents what the Obama campaign is all about," said Obama. "People expect change from an airline and change is what they are going to get. It's all going to change. Just vote for me and I'll show you what change is all about."

John McCain Accuses Obama of Using Campaign to Get Votes

Capping a week of heated exchange between the candidates, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain today pointed more fingers at the Obama camp, accusing his opponent of using the upcoming presidential campaign to "get as many votes as possible."

"He's out there working the crowds like there's no tomorrow," said McCain of Barack Obama. "He's just trying to get votes. It's shameful and un-American!"

This week, McCain took a number of shots at his democratic rival. First, he wrote off Obama's successful European tour as a "publicity stunt." Later, he blasted Obama for snubbing wounded Iraq War soldiers when it was revealed that a planned visit to a German hospital had been cancelled.

"He should have gone to the hospital and had his photograph taken with the most severely wounded men and women," said McCain. "If he had had any conscience at all, he would have posed next to them and asked them to pretend that his visit was really cheering them up."

Though McCain and Obama initially promised to avoid negative campaigning, the rhetoric between the two has grown more acrimonious during the past few weeks as McCain repeatedly accuses Obama of playing the "Washington Insider Card."

"He talks about change," said McCain. "That's code for 'let's get all the Washington insiders out of Washington.' He's an anti-Washington insider bigot - plain and simple."

McCain has also blasted Obama for being anti-war.

"Our brave men and women are over there risking their lives and all he can talk about is peace," said McCain. "What a traitor!"

"Here's half a peace sign, Barack. I hope that's good enough for ya," yelled McCain as he extended his middle finger in the air.

McCain also predicted that Obama would exploit the upcoming Democratic convention for his own benefit.

"He'll be grabbing publicity at every opportunity -- making speeches and giving interviews. I'm sure he'll use the event to promote himself and get even more votes. What a ham!"