Brett Favre Had History of Trying to Get Old Jobs Back

As the Green Bay Packers decide whether to reinstate "retired" quarterback Brett Favre, Imbecile Magazine has uncovered exclusive information about the former QB's past, which shows a pattern of Favre quitting jobs and then begging to come back.

In an exclusive story by Imbecile Magazine Sports Reporter Jacques Strap, Favre is portrayed as a man who has struggled his whole life with second guessing his personal career decisions. From his stint as a soda jerk at Arby's to Spokesman for Preparation H, Favre has consistently changed his mind -- often when it was too late.

"I remember when he worked behind the counter here," said Lou Zur, manager at the Arby's in Kiln, Mississippi, Favre's hometown. "He got really upset because I made him work a double shift and told me to take the job and shove it. Two days later, he was knocking on the back door with his tail between his legs."

Favre also had academic difficulties at the University of Southern Mississippi, where he attended college and played football.

"My God, that boy submitted more add/drop slips than anyone I had ever seen in my life," said Lois Point, Dean of Academic Affairs at USM. "He changed his major ten times -- then wanted to change it back to his original major. He just couldn't decide."

After Favre turned pro, he was offered numerous endorsements. But the offer from Preparation H caused him the most inner turmoil.

"At first he worried that it would harm his image," said Mya S. Hertz, head of public relations.

"But he went ahead and signed the contract. After a few weeks, he wanted out and we agreed. He said all the worry was giving him hemorrhoids so we gave him an economy size tube and sent him on his way."

Though Favre has refused to speak to reporters about his "un-retirement," he did agree to meet this reporter for an off-the-record-deep-background interview. So we met at a local pub and Favre ordered a beer.

"Change that to a scotch and soda," he said to the waiter, holding back his tears. "On second thought, I shouldn't be drinking. Just bring me a coke. Do you have Diet Coke? Make that a Sprite. With a twist. Or maybe lemonade. Do you have any fruit punch?"

Indian Customer Service Representatives Are Boon to Consumers

The trend toward outsourcing customer service to businesses in India has apparently resulted in increased satisfaction among American consumers, according to a recent poll. Out of a thousand U.S. customers surveyed, at least 80% report they are delighted with the attention they receive from representatives in India as opposed to their U.S. counterparts.

"This is great news for industries that took a chance and outsourced their customer service divisions" said I.B. Lyon, president and CEO of Insult Airlines.

Asked if they received better attention from employees based in India, 75% responded yes. Many attributed the increased satisfaction to the ability of India employees to sympathize with the needs of American consumers.

"I was complaining because the airline switched my seat," said one consumer. "I told the guy: how would you feel is you chose an aisle and they moved you to a window? I was really pissed. Though the guy said he'd never been on an airplane once in his life, he was really sympathetic and explained to me that there was nothing the airline could do. Now I understand the big picture."

In cases were customers had disputes with the company, many said they were surprised that the Indian customer service employee was so willing to apologize.

"They changed my flight four times and eventually cancelled my entire itinerary," said one respondent. "But the nice lady in Bombay said she was very, very, very sorry. When I hung up, I didn't feel so bad even though I had to plan the whole trip over again at a much greater cost."

Other consumers appreciate the fact that the Indian customer service representative will never hang up on them, no matter how irate they become.

"I was screaming all kinds of racist and ethnic epithets at this one guy and he just took it," said one customer. "It felt good to get it all out even though the company didn't budge one inch. I still got screwed big time but at least I let the Indian guy really have it."

Many high tech companies have employed firms in India to help customers with technical software and hardware problems.

"I couldn't get an Internet connection so I called what I thought was an American company," said one man who took the survey. "I found out that I was connected with this guy in India and it was three in the morning where he was. He walked me through the same steps that I had performed ten times before I called him. I never did get on the Internet and actually hurled my computer out of the window. When he heard the crash, he told me to have a nice day and asked if there was any other assistance he could provide. That's when I jumped out of the window. These guys are so calm."

Stock Market Volatility Blamed On Lack of Investor Confidence

According to a leading economic research firm, the volatility in today's stock market may be related to the lack of confidence among investors. As reported in today's "News U Can Lose," the current bear market may be the result of widespread uncertainty about the future of many businesses.

"Our data shows that many investors are concerned that corporations will not continue to grow," said Wadja Jackov, a leading economic analyst who commissioned the study. "When this happens, the economic indicators start to look negative and, as a result, investment drops."

The ground breaking study seeks to explain why stocks have dramatically declined in value over the last few months. The research firm: Jackov, Emory, Rodger, and Kraft (JERK) concluded that investors are less confident.

"People just aren't buying stocks at higher prices," said Jackov. "Instead, they are selling them for fear that the market will go even lower."

According to the JERK study, there is a direct relationship between jittery investors and lower stock prices. When fewer investors are willing to buy stocks, prices drop.

"Fortunately, the results of this study will shed more light on the mystery behind market volatility. For the first time, we're beginning to understand what's happening," said Jackov.

House Approves Aid For Consumers Who Really Blew It

A wide sweeping package of federal housing relief passed the House Friday, bringing hope to the millions of consumers who foolishly overextended themselves by purchasing homes they couldn't possibly afford. The bill promises to stave off foreclosure for Americans who took out ridiculously large sub-prime mortgages, finally relieving them of all responsibility for their own actions.

"We need to protect the most vulnerable homeowners," said Senator Blee Ding Hart (D-California), "Gone are the days when consumers are burdened with having to bear the consequences of their own foolish decisions."

The bill's drafters replaced the word "borrower" with "victim" and shifted 100% of the blame for the mortgage crisis on mortgage brokers, who are referred to as "devils."

"These criminals encouraged homeowners to take out these huge loans," said Hart. "Even though they disclosed the terms of these sub-prime mortgages -- they should have known that their customers would be so excited about owning a home that they wouldn't pay attention to the realities of the transaction."

In a last minute amendment to the bill, Congress also approved a measure that would provide relief to compulsive shoppers carrying huge credit card debt.

"Consumers are bombarded with credit card offers," said Hart. "Credit cards are easy to get and once consumers receive the cards, it's easy to buy lots of merchandise and run up huge bills. It's a vicious cycle in which the consumer is victimized twice -- first by the credit card company and then by the evil merchant whose only motivation is to make money!"

Congress had hoped to amend the bill by adding a provision that would have provided similar relief to gamblers. However, that amendment failed by a slim margin. Lawmakers compromised by adding a measure that permits gamblers to claim up to a $100,000 annual tax credit for gambling losses provided they can show they suffered from "bad luck."

The terms of the bill require taxpayers to make monthly payments for any homeowner facing foreclosure. Taxpayers also have to pay off any credit card debt that exceeds $5000 over a six month period. Critics say the bill amounts to a "free ride" for the most irresponsible of Americans.

"Free ride?" said Hart. "You want to talk about a free ride? For the last twenty years, taxpayers have not had to pay a cent to fund their neighbors' delinquent mortgages or overdue credit card bills. The taxpayer's free ride is over, and thank God for that!"

Obama Adored In Berlin; Draws Huge Crowd

In an attempt to secure the German vote in this year's presidential election, presumptive Democrat Party nominee Barack Obama wowed audiences in Berlin, Germany, yesterday, with his fiery rhetoric and aggressive speech style.

The candidate came to Berlin hoping to upstage earlier appearances by presidents Kennedy and Reagan and apparently succeeded, say many in the audience.

"He eez a greet leader," said Kernal Klink, one of the members of the audience, which numbered in the hundreds of thousands. "Vee Germans are goot at peeking greet leaders, you know."

One lady in the audience said she was so impressed with Obama that she fainted.

"He eez amazing, dat Obama," said Elsa Dusseldork. "I vant dat he should be Chancellor of Germany! I vant dat I should have his children for him."

Though Obama said nothing of substance during his speech, his rhetorical style and hand gestures thrilled the crowd, which has grown weary of low key German politicians. Overhead, a replica of the World War I flyer Red Baron carried a banner which read: "Die Snoopy!" -- apparently a reference to the Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown's pet beagle imagines he is in an aerial dogfight with a German pilot.

"Personally, I find that cartoon offensive and tasteless," Obama told the crowd. "It's time to start breaking down the walls which divide us. In fact, I was recently the victim of a vicious attack by the New Yorker."

If elected president, Obama promised the German crowd that he will ban all negative depictions of Germans in American media.

"Hogan's Heroes is toast," he promised. "I also want to get rid of these films that depict the Germans as cruel monsters. I'm sure it wasn't all that bad."

During his visit, Obama was asked about comparisons between World War II and the current conflict in Iraq. Asked if he would have favored American non-intervention in Germany, he said he would have concentrated his efforts on fighting the Japanese instead of the Germans.

"Just like the 911 terrorists, the Japanese were the ones who attacked us," he said. "I don't know why we got involved in D-Day in the first place. I mean, the Germans didn't do anything to us."

"We love you," the German crowd responded back.

One German supporter asked the nominee whether he would consider moving Republicans into concentration camps. Obama said he would take the proposal under advisement.

After his speech, Obama travelled to the site of the former Berlin Wall, which he vowed to help reconstruct.

"Years of neglect and vandalism have eroded this great monument," he said. "Like the Chinese, the Germans take pride in their wall and America is willing to step in and help them rebuild it."

For Obama, Germany was definitely friendly territory. However, he still has to win several "swing-countries" like France and Great Britain. In Paris today, Obama met briefly with President Nicolas Sarkozy, who asked Obama if he would be willing to lift the informal ban on French Fries and French Toast. Currently, both are referred to as "Freedom Fries" and "Freedom Toast."

"France and the United States are allies," he said. "We need to tear down the walls that divide us."

Meanwhile, Obama's Republican rival John McCain mocked the candidate by visiting a German restaurant in Ohio.

"How many electoral votes does he think he's going to get in France and Germany?" queried McCain. "What a waste of time."

While Obama was grabbing headlines in Europe, McCain had hoped to steal some of his thunder by holding a news event on an offshore oil rig next to a giant fuel spill. Unfortunately, due to bad weather, the event was cancelled.

"I thought the American public would love to know that I support off shore oil drilling. I was going to explain that the giant spill was not the result of off shore drilling even though it was a giant oil spill. I wouldn't want to injure the public's perception of off shore drilling. It's a very promising solution to our current oil crisis."

Candidate Cranky and Tired from European Tour; Advisors Say Nap is Needed

Presumptive Democratic Nominee Barack Obama is reportedly tired and extremely cranky after his whirlwind tour of the Middle East and Europe. On several occasions, observers say, Obama burst into tears and became extremely fussy and uncooperative.

Though campaign staffers say Obama simply needs a nap, experts believe he actually suffered from severe culture shock during his Mideast and European jaunts. For instance, the candidate was quite shocked to learn that most of the peoples' he visisted did not speak English.

"Speaking through a translator was difficult for him," said one campaign staffer. "His smart-aleck comebacks just don't have the same effect when someone has to repeat them in two or three different languages."

Obama was also frustrated during his meetings with Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Though he promised to guarantee Israel's security, he also promised a viable Palestinian State which includes giving back territory to the Palestinians.

"I think we can work out a solution by which Israel can remain safely surrounded by neighbors that continuously work toward and plot its eventual obliteration," said the candidate to a group of hard line Israelis who erupted in hysterical laughter.

"This guy cracks me up," said Hyman Rothschild, a native New Yorker who moved to Israel 20 years ago. "He should get his own HBO special!"

Obama also reiterated his call for withdrawing troops from Iraq while bolstering America's presence in Afghanistan.

"We need to keep pursuing Osama Bin Laden," he announced in Paris while standing in front of a a statue of Inspector Javert, the character from Victor Hugo's Les Miserables who endlessly pursues Jean Valjean. "We must search for him and bring him to justice."

In Germany, Obama was also hoping to make a big impression with a moving speech similar to those delivered by presidents Kennedy and Reagan. However, according to staffers, all the good lines were taken.

"First, he wanted to say 'I am a citizen of Berlin' but that had already been used," said one staffer. "Then, he wanted to call on Gorbachev to 'tear down this wall' but the wall was torn down almost 20 years ago and Gorbachev doesn't even live in Russia anymore. Finally, we settled on something that the Germans would appreciate."

"You guys make great beer," Obama proclaimed, standing in front of the Hofbrau House in Munich. "And sausages, too!"

Unfortunately, the trip took a disastrous turn when Obama reached Paris, where he realized that the French had lost interest in him. Particularly shocking was the fact that he failed to make the cover of the popular French magazine, Paris Match, which featured French President Nicholas Sarkozy and his new bride, Carla Bruni, a former fashion model.

"I wanna be on tha cub-ber," cried the candidate. "Why can't I be on tha cub-ber? Waaaaah!"

Obama was also criticized for his continued use of gimmicky backdrops from which to hold news conferences. During one particular event in Jordan, for instance, he stood in front of a statute of Hercules.

"I guess he was trying to show he is strong," said one Obama critic. "But in truth, Hercules could kick his ass. Maybe he should hold an event in front of the statue of Ethelred the Unready, Simon the Waffler, or Frankie Flip-Flop."

Obama was hoping that this trip would demonstrate his command of foreign policy. Both he and John McCain have been criticized for their recent gaffes. After McCain made several references to Czechoslovakia, a country which no longer exists, Obama spoke about the "President of Canada." Canada, he learned later, does not have a president.

"I want Americans to know that I understand this world -- the entire world. We are the greatest planet in the universe -- better than Mars, the moon, or even the Sun."

Eat, Drink, and Be an Imbecile! Our Food Issue! YUM!!!!

Today's imbecile is a man on the go. But he craves quality food. Gone are the days when the imbecile was content to woof down handfuls of cheetos and wash them down with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. This is the 21st century. The modern imbecile has more refined needs, and better taste.

So, to ease the Imbecile into the next food millennium, Imbecile Magazine Food Editor Eaton Buggs has come up with some tasty, nourishing recipes which are sure to put a wider smile on the Imbecile's s*** eating grin. Here they are:

Recipe 1 -- The Imbecileburger

Ingredients

1 gigantic beef patty
8 oz. of Kraft Artificial Imitation Cheesefood
1/2 head of Iceberg lettuce
1 Whole onion
1 whole tomato
2 tablespoons Ketchup
2 tablespoons French's Yellow Mustard in a super saver squeeze bottle
1 Gigantic hamburger bun

Cook beef patty thoroughly in a large skillet under high heat. Since you're an imbecile, don't even go for medium or medium rare. Cook it to death until it's so hard you can't punch your finger through it.

Once the patty is hard as a rock, place slices of the cheesefood on the burger until they melt. Don't worry, they'll melt perfectly. It's all chemicals.

Take patty out of pan and place it on an open face bun.

Take lettuce and peel off a few leaves. Place these leaves on the patty in a bed formation.

Slice tomato. Get mom to do this. You're an imbecile and can't be trusted with sharp objects. Take tomato slices and place on bed of lettuce.

Slice onion. Get mom to do this, too. Place slices of onion on top of tomato slices.

Spread mustard and ketchup on bun.

Shove the big gloppy mess in your face and enjoy, you gluttonous pig!

Recipe 2 -- Imbecilestew

Scratch this one. It's too complicated for an idiot like yourself.

Recipe 3 -- Imbecile Ice Coffee

Ingredients:

Coffee
Ice
Glass

Make a pot of hot coffee. Pour over a glass full of ice. Ha ha! All the ice is gone! Idiot! You should have let the coffee cool and then put it in the refrigerator for a few hours. What a clod!

Recipe 4 -- Imbecile French fries

Ingredients

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper

In a large skillet, fill with vegetable oil until oil is about 4 inches deep. Place over high heat. As the oil heats up, you will see a trace of black smoke. As soon as oil begins to shoot up into flames, call the fire department and tell them you're burning down the house. Ask them to stop and pick up a large order of fries from McDonalds before they come over.

Recipe 5 -- Imbecile Lobster Thermidor

Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Like you were going to make something that had more than 3 syllables in the name. Right!

Recipe 6 -- Imbecile Smoked Ham

Ingrediants:

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper
1 large ham

Follow directions for Receipe 4. While house is slowing burning to ground, place ham in basement, uncovered. It will take on that delicious smoky flavor that comes from being around burning wood and other building materials. Yum!

Be like Ron Jeremy! Uh...no thanks.

The other day, I went searching through my Spam file, looking for a missing email. It's really unbelievable the kind of junk that people send you. Even more unbelievable is how persistent they are. I know its no sweat off their backs to keep sending this crap, but honestly -- you'd think they'd have a little dignity.

Mike G. is one of my favorites. First, he sends emails marked "personal" so you'll think Mike G. is a friend and open it right away. Mike G. is giving away a free Dell laptop, or so he says. I'm sure there's a huge catch to this "giveaway" but, to be honest, I'm not even going to bother to find out what it is. Who the hell cares?

Because I didn't respond to Mike G. or his scheme, I got another email marked "urgent." Now Mike is giving away a CD in addition to the laptop. What's the catch? Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares? Mike G. can go straight to hell with his scams.

That same day, Mike G. sends me another email marked "personal." Time is running out, he warns, so I'd better act soon in order to get that free laptop. Let me add here that the email is starting to insinuate that the laptop will go to the person who is the "lucky marketer." In other words, there ain't no way I'm getting a free laptop. It's just a ripoff. But we already knew that, didn't we?

Two days later, I get another "urgent" email. A few days later, I get another "personal" email. You get the picture. I'm not even reading this crap. Waste of time.

Let's move on to another frequent poster. This one is titled "Panda Research." WTF? I click on it and it tells you to take online surveys -- and that you'll get paid. Online surveys about pandas? What the hell is this? Suddenly I hate those cute little furry animals. But then again, they're just being used so some creep can make money.

Next on the list is Hadley. Hadley sends me an email that's titled: "Why are you denying me that Wednesday?"

What the hell is this? Well, let's open it. Wow! It's a poem and here's a verse:

"Deep believe pattern plural pose fact something.Fact intend electric original soft lay law since.Bar gone center hard radio your.Lady east element start draw determine seed rest.Phrase borrowed don'T range summer country value hurt circle basic.Some believe egg snow."

Hey, Hadley, let me give you a tip. Keep your day job. You're the worst poet ever. What a piece of crap!

A couple of days later, I get another spam from Hadley. This one is titled: "I wish was who youre this friday fleur." Another masterpiece? No such luck. I open the email and now Hadley wants to enlarge my penis in just one week. Gee, Hadley, we just met. Isn't that awfully personal?

A day later, Hadley sends me another email. Like the first email, this one is a poem. Now, I'm feeling bad because I told Hadley that the other poem was the worst poem I'd ever read. I'm sorry, Hadley. I was wrong. This latest poem is the worst! The first one is the second worst! Hey Hadley! You really suck!

Well, if Hadley really wants to enlarge my penis he's going to have lots of competition. Penis enlargement spam must account for 25% of all the spam coming into my spambox. Which brings me back to Ron Jeremy. One of the spams I received is titled: "Be like Ron Jeremy." Now, I know that Ron Jeremy has a big wanker (he's a former porn star) but is he the most enticing image you can come up with? I mean, getting your thing stretched or tugged or cut open or whatever the hell they do with it is pretty weird. They should entice you with something other than the prospect of being a washed out, fat slob, balding, grotesque, porno-sleazeball. If that's the best they can do -- us guys are going to keep their wieners right where they are.

But the Putrid Spam Award has to go to Herschel Schwartz. The other day, Herschel wrote to me to say quote "Im in my bedroom getting wet from thinking about u." Oh really, Herschel? I didn't know you cared. The next day, I get the same exact email from Benny Levy. Thanks Benny, but I'm already in a relationship. It is, however, flattering to know that I make you wet.

Geez. Geez plus yuk.

So that's my spambox. 99.9% of the time, it goes completely unread. But on that rare occasion when the right email gets diverted to the wrong place, I have to go in there. Personally, I'd rather route through the garbage. At least I don't have to read crap like this:

"So once wear best shoe second sign.Log string many parent thin write obtain asked was lend.She gray bring exist lady.Himself island world suggest accept party mention substance.Often sand warm suffix human days gentle crease along carry.Sell prevent correct brought animals were wonder metal moment."

Bravo, Hadley. Well done. Another pile of poetic poo. I want to write like you and look like Ron Jeremy. NOT!

Still got your stomach? Check in tomorrow for our first ever FOOD issue!!! YUCK....I mean....YUM!!!!

Uh oh, honey. I think we have a flat.

Hey, honey -- What's that crazy bicycle guy doing? I don't know, dear, perhaps he's trying to weave in between two cars -- neither of which can see him. Why is he doing that, honey? Maybe he's trying to prove how swiftly he can get from one place to another, you know, to show us how stupid we are for choosing to travel by automobile. But isn't that dangerous, honey, weaving in and out narrow spaces, running through stop signs, racing through traffic lights -- isn't that unsafe? Yes, it is, dear. It is very dangerous, dear. What's that sound, honey? That's the sound of roadkill, dear. That's the sound of an idiot cyclist getting squished between two cars.

In Washington, D.C., whenever a pedestrian or bicyclist is killed, police resort to the same old platitude -- Drivers Need to Share the Road. Almost without exception, when a car or truck comes into contact with a bicyclist or pedestrian -- the driver is blamed. The cyclist or pedestrian is immediately presumed, and forever declared, to be the innocent victim. While the driver is immediately vilified and crucified.

First of all, let's get a few things straight. Washington D.C. is not friggin Venice, Italy. It is a city of roads -- roads that were designed for motorized vehicles. On those roads, they have drawn lanes. By coincidence, these lanes quite rightly approximate the shapes of cars, trucks, and buses -- not people or bicycles. Also, by coincidence, these lanes are punctuated by stoplights and/or stop signs and other traffic devices that generally apply only to drivers. In fact, before venturing out into these roads, all drivers are required to know all the applicable laws that pertain to these roads, as well as their respective lanes, stop signs, stoplights, and all other fascinating traffic devices.

To the contrary, the exalted pedestrian and/or bicyclist is not required to take any kind of a test before attempting to utilize these grand inventions known as streets. From what I can gather, if a bicyclist chooses to obey stop signs, stoplights, and other fascinating traffic devices -- bully for him. Same goes for the prized and ever superior pedestrian. Yes, there are a few rules that may (arguably) apply to members of these two privileged classes. But these violations are rarely noted, must less enforced.

So, as a result, the burden to take care of these pedestrians and bicyclists -- hereinafter referred to as "pedestricylists" -- has fallen on the poor driver. The pedestricyclist is just too damn wonderful to have to take on any responsibility for his own safety. He's just too preoccupied operating his legs and hands and that highly technical, two-wheeled contraption called a bike. The driver, on the other hand, merely has to worry about managing a two-ton piece of machinery that no laymen can understand or fix -- a mechanical, computerized device that, when engaged, drowns out most of the sounds around him and obscures his view of all but the most rudimentary of angles. You can see, therefore, why the driver is in the best possible position to avoid a collision with the pedestricyclist -- much like the Boeing 767 is more suited to avoid hitting an errant sea gull.

So, Drivers -- Share the Road! And that's an order! When you're driving straight ahead -- look ahead. But also look to your left and right. And don't forget, look behind you at all times. If you can't see everything in your rear view or side mirrors, and you can't, then turn around and look behind you! But don't take your eyes off of what's in front of you. God no! And make sure you constantly monitor your right and left. I think I said that already, but I can't say it enough. Oh, and another thing, make sure you are a freakin fly? You're going to need eyeballs that wrap completely around your head.

Ok, enough with the sarcasm. I'll bet some of you pedestricyclists are so uptight you thought I was serious. Well, get over yourselves. Let me give you five words of advice that are guaranteed to save your life. Stay-Away-From-Freakin-Cars!

If you see one of us in front of you, pull the hell back. If you see two of us in front of you, stay the hell away! If you see two of us on adjacent lanes and you're thinking about cutting in between us. Don't! And then slap yourself for thinking so stupid!

If you're riding in the middle of the lane and you hear one us of coming up behind you -- move over. If you think there's a chance we're going to hit you after you move over, stop and take cover like a frightened bunny. If you think you're superior to us and want to show off how well you move through traffic by swerving in and out of the lanes in front of us -- stop and check yourself into a mental institution. Enough of your crazy talk! I don't care if you sucking up all the greenhouse gases on the planet or personally reversing global warming. I don't care how many polar bears or spotted owls or horny toads you save --That's crazy talk! If you think that a casual encounter with four tons of steel won't turn until a lifetime of sucking through a straw -- you obviously don't need that goofy FTD man helmet because there's obviously nothing left to protect.

Ditto goes for all you pedestrijerks. And let me add one more thing--you know that cute little trick you like to pull when you're with your friends? Where you walk out in front of traffic to make all the cars stop? KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! Believe me, you're not going to have any friends after you get flattened on the pavement. The only posse you're going to have is a team of doctors and nurses all pleading with your family members to either pull the plug or plant you in the garden with the Japanese Eggplant.

So Peace, brother -- and stay away from friggin cars!

MONDAY: Ever read your own spam? Yeah, I know it sounds gross and believe me -- it is!

A Pedestrian Idea!

Washington, D.C., major Adrian Fenty is proposing to make Washington one of the most pedestrian friendly cities in the country. To achieve this goal, Fenty wants to close off the only highway that cuts through the District. Next, he wants to increase the fine for "encroaching a pedestrian crosswalk" by 1000% -- from $50 to $500.

I don't know exactly when it started -- but in the last few years, the pedestrian has been elevated to the same status as pregnant women, nuns, babies, the Pope, Jesus, and God. Suddenly, the great pedestrian can do no wrong -- even when the pedestrian is totally in the wrong. If the pedestrian breaks the law, police look the other way. If the pedestrian breaks the law and gets hit by a car, the police look only to the driver -- whom they decorate with tickets, criminal charges, a summons, and hopefully, jail time.

Of course, it's not enough that the driver should get treated worse than Quasimodo, our traffic engineers have to design our stoplights so the only persons guaranteed to advance on green are those on foot. In many places in D.C., it's entirely conceivable that a driver trying to make a right turn can will be forced to yield to as many pedestrians that can pass during the entire length of the green light. In other words, they've made it so our frustrated motorist never moves -- starring in his own personal Samuel Beckett nightmare.

And then there are those damnable painted crosswalks which, not surprisingly, are always located in the busiest of thoroughfares. This is where the militant pedestrian really gets his game -- walking right out onto the street and (legally) bringing the entire motorized world to a screeching halt.

Now, normally, I would insert a paragraph here about how I support people who walk to work, how I support the fact that they are saving gas, and how I agree that there are many inconsiderate drivers who don't yield to pedestrians and should be rightfully punished. But I'm not going to do that. Why? Because every favor we do for the pedestrian moves him further into the role of the pedestrijerk. Instead of appreciating all the deference being given to him, he stretches every last law to its limit -- all for the purpose of driving the motorized public to an early grave.

If you think drivers disobey the rules, try walking the streets. Pedestrijerks don't stop at stop signs or stop lights; they don't wait for green lights; they don't even wait for crosswalks. They show off in front of their loser friends by jaywalking in front of busy traffic. They rush in front of busy traffic and when the traffic finally slams on its breaks, they take their sweet time.

In truth, the pedistrijerk follows the law only when disobeying it poses a better than 50/50 chance of being turned into roadkill. If the light is green, they go. If the light is red, they go if they don't see a car coming right at them. If they cross at one of those timed intersections and the signal shows only five seconds, they go anyway.

Moreover, the pedistrijerk never seems to be in a hurry once the traffic is stopped. Hey, this is the Champs-Élysées, right? Hell, I'm in no hurry. That's why I spent $20,000 on a car. I just like to drive in traffic because it's fun. Don't rush on my account.

One might argue that the pedistrijerk is helping the environment. That would be wrong. He exists to enforce his own personal morality and exercise his endless vendetta against people who depend on automobiles, trucks and buses to get through life. "I am going to punish you for driving an automobile," he proclaims to himself. "You will wait for me and you will like it!" Like an ex-smoker -- he's made himself automobile free and he's going to shove it in our faces every chance he gets. Until, of course, he gets behind the wheel.

Finally, my favorite is the imbecile who punches and kicks cars which he believes haven't yielded the right of way. What is this accomplishing? Is this guy just roaming around looking for a fight? Yes, he is. Should someone pull over and punch his beady little eyes out, pull every beard hair out of his face, and strangle him with his peace sign necklace? Yes, they should.

So Fenty, you want to make Washington a pedestrian friendly city? You should start by doing something to make Washington's pedestrians more friendly.

Tomorrow! Don't get me started about bicyclists! I'm warning you! Don't get me started!!!! What did you say? What? Alright, you asked for it!

Obama Campaign Still Crying About New Yorker Cover

For the fourth straight day, the Obama campaign continued to weep and wail about a New Yorker cover which depicted the Democratic nominee and his wife as a fundamentalist Muslim and terrorist.

Originally, the campaign issued a statement calling the cover "offensive and tasteless," but staffers have nonetheless persisted in bawling endlessly about the issue since the magazine hit newsstands.

"We've tried everything to calm them down," said New Yorker publisher Justin Phun. "First, we explained that this was just intellectual satire -- but that didn't seem to resonate. Quite frankly, we don't know what to do."

According to Phun, the cover illustrates the "Politics of Fear" which includes the misperception that Obama and his wife sympathize with Islamic extremists. However, the Obama campaign apparently still doesn't understand the joke and fears that many of their supporters will misinterpret the image.

"They thed I wuz a therowist," said the candidate, through a flood of tears. "Ith not fair! Waaaah!"

Phun says he has tried to console the nominee. Last night, he held him in his arms, hoping to gently rock him to sleep.

"Nothing seems to be working," said Phun.

"WAAAAAAAAAH," said Obama.

Obama's Republican rival, John McCain, who shares office space with Obama, initially agreed that the cover was in poor taste. However, today McCain urged Obama to wipe his eyes and move on.

"We're trying to run a phone bank and the people on the other end think there's a baby crying in the background," said McCain. "I have to tell them, no, that's my opponant. The last time I heard that much screaming, I was in a POW camp."

Many Obama campaign officials are concerned that the New Yorker cover may distort the candidate's image -- which appears to be that of the perpetual victim.

"We've gone to great lengths to paint a picture for the American people of their dream candidate," said I.B. Lyon, an Obama strategist. "We've managed to find a good looking guy who's a great speaker, has lots of snappy comebacks, and focuses exclusively on what other people have done to hurt him. Now, someone has gone and put him in fundamentalist garb and given his wife an assault rifle."

Though campaign sources aren't yet ready to reveal their next move, some predict that if the controversy doesn't subside, the campaign may have to change directions.

"God, I hope we don't have to start campaigning on the issues," said one staffer. "What a pain in the ass that would be."

Asked about such a possibility, Obama held back his sobs just long enough for one brief comment.

"I don wanna dalk about tha ithyoos. I don't wike dalking about tha ithyoos. Waaaaah! I wanna be on thee-vee! I don wanna debate John McCain. Heeth mean! Waaaaaah!"

Obama: "My voters are too dumb to understand intelligent satire."

Barack Obama is upset about a satirical New Yorker magazine cover showing the Democratic presidential candidate dressed as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist. Barack Obama understands that the cover is merely meant to be sarcastic -- that it simply depicts the image that Obama's detractors often try to create when they insinuate that he is a Muslim (not true) or an Islamic fundamentalist (also not true) or that he is a supporter of terrorism (if this is true, we are all in for a load of hurt). Obama understands that the New Yorker is making a joke. And unless he just crawled out from under a rock, he would also understand that the New Yorker is probably his best friend in the world.

Yet, his flunkies are all in a tizzy -- issuing press statements, calling the cover "tasteless and offensive." Furthermore, his flunkies proclaim that "most readers" will view the cover as "tasteless and offensive." Oh, really? Have they been up all night conducting polls among New Yorker subscribers? Or did they just go down to the newsstand and show a copy to some idiot drooling over the chicks in this month's Blender?

Let me tell you what I find tasteless and offensive. The fact that these flunkies, this campaign, and anybody else that agrees with them --- can't take a freakin joke! And the joke isn't even on you! Get over yourselves! The goddamn magazine is doing you idiots a favor! When did the Democratic party become the speech police? How many freaking ways are you guys going to come up with to be offended about everything that is said out there? You're bitching about George Bush throwing out the Fourth Amendment? You're taking a freakin pee on the First Amendment! Now shut the hell up and move on.

I suspect the reason your panties are in such a knot has something to do about the fragile state of "image." The Huffington Post whined that "Anyone who's tried to paint Obama as a Muslim, anyone who's tried to portray Michelle as angry or a secret revolutionary out to get Whitey, anyone who has questioned their patriotism — well, here's your image."

Well, Huffy (and the rest of you thin-skinned nitwits) -- tough crap. You want to talk about manipulating "image?" Let's just go back and rewind those thousands of hours of slick talk and empty rhetoric about "change" and how Hillary Clinton should be crucified because she voted the way the majority of Americans wanted her to vote on the Iraq War. Let's talk about the "image" you guys created for that poor lady.

Hillary Clinton got her ass handed to her over one vote. Of course, at the time, Mr. Perfect was sitting in some state legislature practicing his schtick. Hillary's trying to prevent Saddam Hussein from going nuclear while Mr. Rock Star is writing up her Match.com profile: Trigger happy, incompetent, corrupt Washington insider whose husband does interns seeks votes from crazy, hysterical females and other mental cases. Where was the Obama camp when that image was going around? Hell, they were as quiet as a bunch of Jihadists during prayer meeting.

Then the poor girl merely points out that voters shouldn't count her out -- that primaries have been known to drag on through June. So she mentions Bobby Kennedy, who we all know was assassinated in June the night he won California. Jesus Christ, you'd have thought she was asking people to step up and be the next James Earl Ray. The lady's trying to be Rocky and Obama's ducking for cover like she's gonna pop a cap in him.

Methinks someone is just a little concerned about preserving his own fragile facade. Methinks someone is now realizing that standing on a giant mountain of your own homemade-blue-sky-give-the-idiots-what-they-want-to-hear-mush ain't exactly the most stable place to be. If "image" is all you got, brother man, then you better worry about them New Yorker covers.

Of course, what's really telling about all this is how bent out of shape you get. Maybe you're just looking for easy targets to keep the journalists off your butt. Maybe you're truly scared that your supporters are so stupid they will misinterpret an obvious joke. Either way, if you lose a few votes as a result, don't worry. You can always win them back with guns and religion, right?

OK, LADIES -- YOU ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT!!!!

Hey listen. I can take a hint. After our sensational swimsuit issue, we received a fair amount of feedback from the fairer sex. It seems the ladies don't object to seeing hotties parading around in the skimpiest of attire -- as long as they get equal time! While the dudes are oogling the chicks, the dames want to check out some hot male bods!!! Can you believe it? Yes, we can.

Well, Imbecile Magazine is all about giving you want you want, when you want it. No sooner was the ink dry on all those emails, when our staff hit the streets and started scraping together an all-male swimwear extravanganza. And the result? Well, girls. I don't think I'm going to hear any complaints this time. Check it out!

IVAN YOU TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES (ABOVE)
Our first model, Ivan Wijajackov comes from Dingledork, Germany. We found him lounging in the sand in Ocean City -- enjoying a smoke and and a potent Absinthe cocktail. Apparently, Ivan left his sunscreen back in the Fatherland. Uh oh. Better stick a fork him in. He's almost done!

When it comes to swimwear, Ivan's philosophy is that "less is more." That's why he chose this little yellow number. Ivan prefers form fitting briefs. Oh, whale! To each his own.

UH OH! SOMEONE IS SMUGGLING GRAPES! (ABOVE)

What swimsuit spread would be complete without an appearance from the foozool? His teeny tiny piece of red butt floss is just the ticket while he checks out the babes on the beach. Hear that? I think he's playing our thong!

Looks like the foozool has also had more than his share of sun. Watch out -- you can go crazy in this heat. I wonder if that fabulous babe behind him is for real, or just a mirage? Once thing's for sure. That's quite a pair -- of binoculars!

SERF'S UP! (ABOVE)
Peasants love the beach just as much as the rest of us. But finding the perfect pair of trunks is not always easy. I think we've solved this clod's dillemma with a pair of low rider board shorts. These colorful coverups provide maximum coverage, which is a good thing since the less we see of this village idiot -- the better.

Imbeciles also love the giant t-shirt, so we found him one that's just perfect. It's from the Yo!Yo!Yo! I'm-a-yo-yo's "GANG-STA" collection. Size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL. Whazzzup yo! Idiot.

Hope you enjoyed the spread, ladies! Take the week to soak 'em in. They aren't going anywhere!

Sneak Preview: The Chicks Turn The Tables!

After all the hullaballoo over our 1st Annual Swimsuit issue, Imbecile Magazine has decided to reconsider its initial reaction to the plethora of criticism we received. Originally, we responded to all the high strung, hysterial femma-Nazis' nasty letters with sophmoric, smart aleck retorts that completely failed to address of any of the arguments included in the letters.

Since then, we've taken a deep breath and a step back -- to discover the root of all this undeserved and misdirected criticism. All those letters we received from all those ugly, frustrated, frigid, over-the-hill spinsters who will never get a date (much less get married) are simply symptoms of too many years of pent up, but obviously still somewhat raging hormones.

Yes, the bitter old ladies who call us sexist are just sending out a coded cry for help -- begging for someone to come along and fulfill their deepest of desires. They haven't had any for so long (maybe their never had any at all), they're just channeling their anger at those sensational hotties who bare it all for the camera so the best of us can enjoy some good old healthy American fun!

But don't worry, aunties. You've a big surprise coming!

Check back Monday for the shock of your life!!! Hoo-ah!

Letters to the Editor - The Thong Remains the Same

Well, apparently not everyone liked our 1st Annual Swimsuit issue. Unbelievable as it may seem, there are some who just don't appreciate photo shoots of honeys in teeny weeny bikinis -- especially when accompanied by gratuitous, lascivious comments.

At any rate, we thought we'd publish a few of the millions of letters we received from the angry, bitter, fema-Nazis who make it their life's work to spew their anti-male bile every time they see someone from the opposite sex having a good time. Of course, we at Imbecile Magazine must remain objective, so we won't comment on the frustrated, frigid, bored-out-of-their-minds housewives who stuffed our mailboxes with their overplayed, repetitive drivel.

Dear Imbecile Magazine,

Let me congratulate you on a new low. I guess it wasn't enough for you to constantly regurgitate sexist, male chauvinist garbage five days a week. You had to highlight your disgust toward women by displaying their nearly nude bodies across the pages of your filthy rag. Let me remind you that women were not put on this earth for your sexual gratification, you perverted little slime ball. Your disgusting!

Helen Wheels
The Angry Feminist
Minneapolis, MN.

Dear Helen,

Thank you very much for your letter. Though some of what you say deserves attention, I must point out that, in your letter, you used the phrase: "Your disgusting." I think you meant to say, "you're disgusting." This spelling and grammatical error reflects badly on your position and your ability to communicate. Therefore, we at Imbecile Magazine have no choice but to ignore everything you have to say.

Huge G. Rection
Imbecile Magazine Publisher

Dear Imbecile Magazine,

My husband just brought home your swimsuit issue. What a pile of s**t! You people need to get a life. Drooling over bimbos and skanks is hardly a worthwhile way to spend your time. I hope I never see another issue of Imbecile Magazine as long as I live. And if I do see another issue lying around the house, I'm going to burn it!

Doris Jones
Columbus, OH

Dear Doris,

First of all, let me point out that your use of "lying" instead of "laying" is incorrect. Also, what kind of name is Doris? It sounds like a bitter old lady whose husband won't sleep with her. Hey Doris -- you bore us! Hey Doris -- your breath smells so bad, you should gargle with Lavoris! Ha ha ha ha.

Harry Wang
Imbecile Editor-in-Chief

Dear Imbecile Magazine,

Your swimsuit issue affirmed every misgiving I had about your stupid magazine. Instead of striving to be innovative and ground-breaking, you reverted to the lowest common denominator in order to sell more issues. Shame on you, Imbecile Magazine, for a job poorly done. Besides, your models are nothing more than airheads and whores!

Betty Duzzer
Albany, NY

Dear Betty,

Your just jealous.

Phil McCracken
Imbecile Managing Editor

[Above: Catfight between frigid, ugly, bored housewife with outdated beehive hair-do and old granny swimsuit coverup -- and one of our hot models, dressed in a sizzling purple thong bikini.]

Part II: Gene Simmons Exclusive!!!

Ok. We admit that things got a little rocky (no pun intended, Ha!) when our entertainment correspondent Reid Ard tried to interview former KISS frontman and Rock and Roll legend Gene Simmons. Apparently, Reid wasn't aware that he was supposed to read Simmons' new book prior to the interview. As a result, Gene give him the big KISS-off (yes, pun intended, Ha!) and the interview was cut prematurely short.

But have no fear. We at Imbecile Magazine are journalists first and idiots second. We would never let a big fish like Gene Simmons get off the Imbecile Magazine hook. Not when we have him right where we want him -- in the Imbecile Magazine Newsroom! So here's part II of our exclusive chat with Simmons -- conducted by yours truly!

Dim Whitt
Senior Editor

D.W.: Ok, now that the dust has settled. I want to thank you for giving us another chance here at Imbecile Magazine. I'm glad that we could reach an agreement as to the terms of the interview.
G.S.: (counting) 14...15...16...17...18...19...Hey, you're short by a hundred! You said two grand for the hour!
D.W.: Oh, sorry about that. Here you go. (pause) Anyway, we're going to talk about your latest book, Ladies of the Night, but first I'd like to go back and talk about the early years of what many people consider to be the greatest rock and roll band of all time.
G.S.: Lord help me.
D.W.: How did you come up with the name "KISS?"
G.S.: Wow! That's a fascinating question! Did you come up with that one yourself or do you have a team of experts working around the clock?
D.W.: No, I came up with it.
G.S.: Oh, I see. Well, let's see. How did we come up with the name? You know, I've only been asked that question about six million times. Let me see if I can recall the story.
D.W.: Ok.
G.S.: We were sitting around...trying to figure out what would be a good name for a rock and roll band. We had some ideas but we hadn't yet come up with the perfect name. Then we asked ourselves: "What would be a good name for a band?" Some people had some names. Some other people had some other names. But we hadn't yet come up with the name that we wanted. Then, it was suggested that we name the band: "KISS." And we agreed that that would be a good name. So, there you have it, and the rest is history!
D.W.: That's fascinating! So, who came up with the name?
G.S.: Jesus. The band was formed in 1973. That was more than 30 years ago. I don't remember all the minor details.
D.W.: Ok. Let's talk about some of your hit songs. One of my favorite songs is "Rock and Roll All Night." The song says, and I quote: "I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day." Did you, in fact, want to rock and roll all night and party every day? Is that song autobiographical in any way?
G.S.: Gee, that's a good question. I've never thought about it. Actually, I did rock and roll all night and party every day. But I'm not sure if there was an actual connection between what I was doing and the writing of that song. You know, I've never thought about it. Can I get back to you on that one?
D.W.: Sure, no problem. Now -- I wanted to ask you about the band itself. What was it like working with Tommy Lee?
G.S.: I don't know. I never worked with Tommy Lee.
D.W.: Wasn't he the drummer?
G.S.: No, he wasn't.
D.W.: Well, according to my notes, he was the drummer.
G.S.: Your notes are wrong.
D.W.: Oh, I get it. Because Tommy Lee has had legal troubles, your attorney advised you not to comment on him, right?
G.S.: No. I comment on whomever I like. But you asked me if Tommy Lee was the drummer and whether I worked with him and I told you that I had neither worked with him, nor was he the drummer.
D.W.: Hmmm?
G.S.: He was the drummer for Motley Crue. Perhaps you mixed up the two bands?
D.W.: Oh...yeah! That's right! Wow! I guess I did mix that up. Did you like Motley Crue?
G.S.: That does it! I'm out of here!
D.W.: No....no...please...wait! Sit down! Let's talk about your book! It's called: Ladies of the Night, right?
G.S.: Yes.
D.W.: So what's it about?
G.S.: Whores.
D.W.: Really?
G.S.: Yes, really.
D.W.: It says here that it "offers a fresh look at the history of the world's oldest profession as seen through the eyes of rock legend - and renowned ladies' man - Gene Simmons."
G.S.: That's right.
D.W.: Well, the world's oldest profession isn't being a whore, is it?
G.S.: Yes, it is.
D.W.: I would think there would be professions that are much older. Like hunting dinosaurs or building caves, or making wheels?
G.S.: Were you saying something? I was farting into this cushion.
D.W.: I was just saying...is prostitution really the world's oldest profession?
G.S.: I knew I shouldn't have eaten that chili. Actually, I'm glad I did. Can you smell that?
D.W.: Yes I can. Should I change the subject?
G.S.: Hey, it's your $2000. I'm working by the hour.
D.W.: That's right! Just like a prostitute.
G.S.: Just like a prostitute.
D.W.: So have you ever visited a prostitute?
G.S.: What do you think?
D.W.: I don't know.
G.S.: Read the book.
D.W.: I will.
G.S.: Read it now.
D.W.: I don't think we have time for me to read the whole thing. Maybe I can look at some of the illustrations and ask you about them. Oh...this one is naughty! Oh my!
G.S.: God, this chili is really turning my stomach upside down. You mind if I hit the head while you page through the book?
D.W.: No, go right ahead. It's the second door on the right.

Editor's note: Well, aside from a series of flushing sounds, we didn't hear anymore from Mr. Simmons. The rock and roller spent the balance of the agreed upon hour in the restroom. When I tried to get a few more questions in, his bodyguard slammed me against the wall and head butted me until I lost consciousness. I never did read the book. The bodyguard took it out of my hand and bonked me over the head with it about a million times.

[Photos: Above: Gene Simmons and two "friends," 2008. Below: Gene Simmons as "The Demon" in KISS, 1979]

Tomorrow! Our swimsuit issue caused quite an uproar. Find out about our most controversial issue ever!

IMBECILE MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE: GENE SIMMONS INTERVIEW!

We simply can't believe it ourselves! An exclusive interview with former KISS frontman Gene Simmons! Needless to say, this is a big coup for Imbecile Magazine so we put our top correspondent on the job -- Reid Ard.

R.A.: Welcome to Imbecile Magazine, Mr. Simmons. And thanks for being here. It's really an honor to have you.
G.S.: (on the phone) Tell em those numbers suck. If he doesn't like it, he can go elsewhere. I'm a businessman, not some f***** idiot. (To R.A.) What did you say?
R.A.: I said welcome to Imbecile Magazine. It's an honor to have you here.
G.S.: Is that a question? Why don't you ask me a question and skip the Bulls**t.
R.A.: Ok....So....you used to be in KISS right?
G.S.: What? Are you kidding me? No...I was in the Beatles. I'm Paul F***** McCartney. Want to hear me sing Yesterday?
R.A.: Ha ha. That's a good one. You got me there. Uh....how did you get started in the rock business?
G.S.: Hey, I thought I was here to promote my book. What happened to those questions.
R.A.: Yeah, right. So....you've written a book, is that correct?
G.S.: Are you retarded? Did I not just say that I was here to promote my book? And you next question is: "Have you written a book?" What kind of an imbecile are you?
R.A.: Well, it was supposed to be a seq...a seq...that thing you do when you want to go from one thought to another.
G.S.: It's called "using your brain." If you had one, you might understand that.
R.A.: Ok. (pause) It says here that you wrote a book -- can you tell us about it?
G.S.: Sure, I can tell you about it.
R.A.: (pause) Ok...what is the book about?
G.S.: Did you not read it?
R.A.: Uh. No. Was I supposed to?
G.S.: Listen Einstein. Usually when someone comes on to be interviewed about his new book, the interviewer at least makes an attempt to read the book. Do you even know the title of my book?
R.A.: Uh...I think it starts with...something about...rock and roll?
G.S.: No. You're not even close.
R.A.: Ok...then what's the title of your book?
G.S.: It's called F***** Cheerleader Sandwich. It's the story of a young cheerleader who gets led astray by some football players who suffer from too much testosterone. The football players decide to kidnap her and give her an extended lesson in the various techniques of human sexuality.
R.A.: So how does it end?
G.S.: Jesus...it ends with the football players taking the cheerleader into the locker room, grabbing a set of handcuffs and...
R.A.: Uh...excuse me, someone is trying to tell me something.
G.S.: (long pause) This ought to be enlightening.
R.A.: Mr. Simmons, thanks for being with us. Your new book is called Cheerleader Sandwich and it's .... is it out in any stores yet?
G.S.: Yes -- look for it at Trader Joe's -- next to the vine ripened tomatoes.
R.A.: Ok. Thanks. It's really been an honor having you here. Gene Simmons is the former frontman for the rock group KISS. Since KISS disbanded, Mr. Simmons has been involved in a number of projects, including a reality TV show, a book, and ....
G.S.: (on the phone) Yeah...oh that noise?...that's just some idiot who was trying to interview me. I'm gonna take a piss in their restroom and get back in the limo. What time was the meeting? Maybe I can grab something to eat before then?

Yes, Reid's attempt to delve inside the complicated mind of Rock and Roll Legend Gene Simmons fell a little short. However, Imbecile Magazine managed to get a second shot at the KISS superstar. Check back tomorrow for Part II of our exclusive interview with Gene Simmons!

OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE!!!! YEEOWZA!!!

It's that special time of the year again! When the sun is hot, the surf is up, and gorgeous babes from hither and yon invade the shores and occupy our fertile imaginations. (who wrote this crap?). Time to set sail for greener pastures, kick back, soak up the rays and soak in the delicious sights. (Jesus, this is horrible). This year we bring you six fabulous hotties, each sporting the newest in beachwear that rivals even the skimpiest of underwear when it comes to raising your temperature in this tropical heat (Ughhh!). So, try not to get too excited, boys, and keep that blood pressure medication handy. You're going to need it! (God, that was monstrous!).

Above: This year, we start out with a hypothetical question. What's causing all the heat in this picture -- the sun or the sun worshippers? Well, we know the answer to that one! Looks like the Foozool has a temperature and I don't think sunscreen is going to help. Check out our model on the right -- she's got the right idea with that cute little orange number. Orange you excited? I bet you are. On the left, our seafaring model has chosen ocean blue. How about some motion on that ocean! Nothing wrong with that. We'll sail her high seas anytime! Maybe if we get to know her better, she'll let us "sea" a little more!

Above: It's an election year so this Hot-Tee is going green. But this two piece wonder will make you wonder what's underneath. Don't worry boys, there's nothing wrong with being environmentally friendly. I'll bet you can easily find a friend in this environment. But our little green hottie isn't totally green. In fact, she may be solely responsible for all this global warming. Have you checked your temperatures, boys? Oops! I think you need to put on some more sunscreen -- or is something other than the sun making you turn that bright shade of red?

Above: Gas prices are sky high, so this little darling has the right idea when she chooses two wheels instead of four. I've always felt that good things come in pairs. And I'm not necessarily talking about the bike. Our athletic honey likes to keep in shape. She should be a drill instructor since she already has us standing at attention. She may not leave a big carbon footprint, but she sure is causing a huge imprint. Check those trousers, guys. This hot purple, three piece number may not cost a lot, but it can definitely lead to inflation. Going my way?

Above: Who needs traffic lights when you can stop cars the good old fashioned way? They say the beach is a great place for sightseeing. Here! Here! We found these two bathing beauties strolling down the road, whistling a tune. Must be contagious, because everyone is now whistling at them! So roll out your beach towels and roll up your tasters, boys. With attractions like these -- you could get a nasty tongue burn if you're not careful.

Apparel:
(Foozool and his posse) (Left) Blue skimpy thong suit by Craven Moreskin, $95; (center) Teeny tiny men's bikini brief by Al Depantzya, $45; (right) Sunkist Sweet Thong Set by Vitamin C-My-Booty, $100.
(Umbrella scene) Lime Green Tang-kini by Oliver Klosov, $150; Umbrella by A Shore Thing Beach Accessories, Inc. $95; Bracelets by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash, $35.
(Bike scene) 3-piece "Purple Passion Fashion Three-kini" by Hugh G. Rection Designs, $150; Motocross hybrid mountain bike by Gay, Straight, or Bi-cycles, $450; Matching socks by Jockey 4 position, $25; Biking shoes by Green with Envy Footwear, $98.
(Street scene) (Left) Halter style red string bikini by Devil-May-Car Beachwear, $75; hoop earrings by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash, $25; counterfeit Gucci watch by Watch-Out Knock-offs, $100; (Right) Yello! The Bikini! by Approach with Caution Swimwear, $95; Pyrite and rhinestone necklace by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash,68; Car by who the hell cares? It's a piece of junk filled with a bunch of horny losers.

Tomoorow: Imbecile Magazines scores the coup of the century. Gene Simmons: Exclusive!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY USA!!!

Imbecile Magazine, along with our Parent company, Uraclod, want to wish you a happy 4th of July!!! I know many of you will be loading up the car with food and kids -- enduring horrible traffic jams -- and then trying to carve out a tiny piece of grass on which to sit and try and get a glimpse of the fireworks between those millions of trees. By the time the display actually begins, you'll be surrounded by drunk kids who scammed their way onto your territory at the last minute, only to constantly whoop and holler at every explosion.

July 4th is probably the most important federal holiday there is. On July 4, 1776, America beat the Germans and the French, declaring its independence and freeing all the slaves. It was a historic day -- our brave soldiers sunk most of the German aircraft carriers and pushed the French out of Washington, where they had occupied all of our restaurants. One hundred years later, this country was embroiled in yet another conflict, a bloody civil war with Russia. Again, we defeated them handily.

Following the Russian War, there was the Spanish American War where we went over to Spain and kicked some serious Spanish butt. Then, there was World War I. For those old enough to remember (it was, after all, about 50 years ago), it is difficult to forget how every single country in the world was at war. Lots of people got killed -- the whole world was nearly destroyed by nucular weapons. After World War I ended at Gettysburg, there was World War II. That was an even bigger war. We bombed the Russians, the French, the Germans -- and, I think, even the Martians.

Finally, there was the Korean War and the Viet Nam War. Both of those wars pretty much sucked. The Koreans caused a lot of casualties that had to be treated in M.A.S.H. units by Alan Alda and that other guy with the receding hairline. I don't know if we beat Viet Nam or not. It depends on which you movie you watch. Since then, we've had two wars in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. We won the first war in Iraq but they came back for more so we socked him real good. Now the country is a huge disaster. See? We told you not to mess with us! I don't know what's going on with Afghanistan. Those dudes have the best weed and smoke it all day long which makes them crazy.

As we celebrate this day, let's also take some time to sing the great songs that came to symbolize our gallant struggles. "Give My Regards to Broadway" and "Singing in the Rain" are two which immediately come to mind. "Smells like Teen Spirit" and "I will Survive" are two other good choices. And don't forget the group "America." All of their songs are pretty safe bets for a July 4th party. My favorite is "Horse with No Name" which I think is about General Custer when he killed all those Indians at the Alamo.

Though July 4th is often celebrated with song and fireworks, it is also a solemn occasion. Please take a moment to remember those brave Americans who died in the bloody Battles of Hastings and Waterloo. They will not be forgotten.

In honor of July 4th, Imbecile Magazine is giving the staff the day off. They've been working around the clock to keep you informed on all the important issues -- especially those issues [Swimsuit Issue] which are really [Swimsuit Issue] most vital. (Heh heh, know-what-I-mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more.) Anyway, on July 4, we're going to hold an employee bar-b-cue. I've never eaten employee before but I hear it tastes like chicken. Happy 4th!!! WOOOOOOO!

NEXT WEEK: OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS! THERE IS A GOD!!!!!


[Imbecile Magazine Historian Stone deGhen contributed to this story]

SNEAK PEAK: OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE!!!!

It's almost July 4 and we at Imbecile Magazine are taking tomorrow off. But while you're enjoying your holiday in the sun, we thought we'd add just a little more heat to your day! Who says the United States doesn't produce anything of quality anymore? These babes are USA born and bred. And if the Spirit of '76 doesn't move you, these girls certainly will. (know what I mean?)

So, let's give them a big, enthusiastic salute! With your hand, silly!

With these girls on our side, it's easy to be patriotic! I'm sure you'll find a good reason to shoot off some fireworks now!

Check back Monday for the Big Swimsuit Spread. You'll be glad you did!!!!

[Pictured above: Imbecile Magazine Publisher Hugh G. Rection and two of our gorgeous models]

Tomorrow: Our salute to July 4th, the USA, and all the events that made this country great!

FINALLY! Test Your Knowledge: The Ultimate Road Rules Quiz

Did you enjoy "Road Rules" week last week? Did you learn a lot? I bet you did. Hopefully, you're well prepared for today's little quiz. Not exactly a driver's test but an excellent quiz nonetheless. Are you ready? Here's the first question.


1. You're trying to drive and two skanks decide that they want to jaywalk, stopping traffic in all directions. One of them even flips you the bird. Do you:

A. Honk really loud.
B. Honk really really loud.
C. Pull your hair out and scream "Why Me?"
D. Hit the gas and flatten them like a pair of buckwheat pancakes.



2. Bicyclists who ride in the center of the lane, pretending they are cars are:

A. Jerks
B. Jerks
C. Jerks
D. Jerks


3. If you have a minor accident in a busy street, you should immediately:

A. Leave your vehicles right where they are so the police can arrive and make a full report to determine fault.
B. Move your cars to the side of the road.
C. Call the police and await further instructions.
D. Are you kidding about B? No one is decent enough to pull to the side of the road. That would be too considerate. Nooooooooo! We have to create a major crime scene that blocks traffic in all directions for hours. Hell, we have to wait for CSI to come out and crack the case. This is going to be the lead story on the 6 o'clock news!


4. People who stand in the middle of busy intersections begging for money are:

A. Scam artists.
B. Disrupting traffic flow.
C. Probably not all that poor in the first place.
D. Yes.


5. Comment on this photo.

A. Owwww!
B. Oops!
C. Idiot! That will teach you to ride your damn bike in the middle of the street in the wrong direction.
D. Boy, I wish I was a lawyer right now!

ANSWERS BELOW

Tomorrow: We begin our amazing July 4th coverage!

Thursday: Sneak Peak at our 1st Annual Imbecile Magazine Swimsuit Issue -- WOW!!!!
Friday: Our tribute to July 4th -- Loaded with tons of historical background
Monday: The Highly Anticipated Swimsuit Issue -- You won't believe your eyes!!!
Tuesday: Imbecile Magazine Exclusive Interview -- Find out who it is!!!!


Answers: 1. c; 1. c; 3. c; 4. c; 5. c. (See, sometimes it pays to put all Cs)