A Pedestrian Idea!

Washington, D.C., major Adrian Fenty is proposing to make Washington one of the most pedestrian friendly cities in the country. To achieve this goal, Fenty wants to close off the only highway that cuts through the District. Next, he wants to increase the fine for "encroaching a pedestrian crosswalk" by 1000% -- from $50 to $500.

I don't know exactly when it started -- but in the last few years, the pedestrian has been elevated to the same status as pregnant women, nuns, babies, the Pope, Jesus, and God. Suddenly, the great pedestrian can do no wrong -- even when the pedestrian is totally in the wrong. If the pedestrian breaks the law, police look the other way. If the pedestrian breaks the law and gets hit by a car, the police look only to the driver -- whom they decorate with tickets, criminal charges, a summons, and hopefully, jail time.

Of course, it's not enough that the driver should get treated worse than Quasimodo, our traffic engineers have to design our stoplights so the only persons guaranteed to advance on green are those on foot. In many places in D.C., it's entirely conceivable that a driver trying to make a right turn can will be forced to yield to as many pedestrians that can pass during the entire length of the green light. In other words, they've made it so our frustrated motorist never moves -- starring in his own personal Samuel Beckett nightmare.

And then there are those damnable painted crosswalks which, not surprisingly, are always located in the busiest of thoroughfares. This is where the militant pedestrian really gets his game -- walking right out onto the street and (legally) bringing the entire motorized world to a screeching halt.

Now, normally, I would insert a paragraph here about how I support people who walk to work, how I support the fact that they are saving gas, and how I agree that there are many inconsiderate drivers who don't yield to pedestrians and should be rightfully punished. But I'm not going to do that. Why? Because every favor we do for the pedestrian moves him further into the role of the pedestrijerk. Instead of appreciating all the deference being given to him, he stretches every last law to its limit -- all for the purpose of driving the motorized public to an early grave.

If you think drivers disobey the rules, try walking the streets. Pedestrijerks don't stop at stop signs or stop lights; they don't wait for green lights; they don't even wait for crosswalks. They show off in front of their loser friends by jaywalking in front of busy traffic. They rush in front of busy traffic and when the traffic finally slams on its breaks, they take their sweet time.

In truth, the pedistrijerk follows the law only when disobeying it poses a better than 50/50 chance of being turned into roadkill. If the light is green, they go. If the light is red, they go if they don't see a car coming right at them. If they cross at one of those timed intersections and the signal shows only five seconds, they go anyway.

Moreover, the pedistrijerk never seems to be in a hurry once the traffic is stopped. Hey, this is the Champs-Élysées, right? Hell, I'm in no hurry. That's why I spent $20,000 on a car. I just like to drive in traffic because it's fun. Don't rush on my account.

One might argue that the pedistrijerk is helping the environment. That would be wrong. He exists to enforce his own personal morality and exercise his endless vendetta against people who depend on automobiles, trucks and buses to get through life. "I am going to punish you for driving an automobile," he proclaims to himself. "You will wait for me and you will like it!" Like an ex-smoker -- he's made himself automobile free and he's going to shove it in our faces every chance he gets. Until, of course, he gets behind the wheel.

Finally, my favorite is the imbecile who punches and kicks cars which he believes haven't yielded the right of way. What is this accomplishing? Is this guy just roaming around looking for a fight? Yes, he is. Should someone pull over and punch his beady little eyes out, pull every beard hair out of his face, and strangle him with his peace sign necklace? Yes, they should.

So Fenty, you want to make Washington a pedestrian friendly city? You should start by doing something to make Washington's pedestrians more friendly.

Tomorrow! Don't get me started about bicyclists! I'm warning you! Don't get me started!!!! What did you say? What? Alright, you asked for it!