Eat, Drink, and Be an Imbecile! Our Food Issue! YUM!!!!

Today's imbecile is a man on the go. But he craves quality food. Gone are the days when the imbecile was content to woof down handfuls of cheetos and wash them down with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. This is the 21st century. The modern imbecile has more refined needs, and better taste.

So, to ease the Imbecile into the next food millennium, Imbecile Magazine Food Editor Eaton Buggs has come up with some tasty, nourishing recipes which are sure to put a wider smile on the Imbecile's s*** eating grin. Here they are:

Recipe 1 -- The Imbecileburger

Ingredients

1 gigantic beef patty
8 oz. of Kraft Artificial Imitation Cheesefood
1/2 head of Iceberg lettuce
1 Whole onion
1 whole tomato
2 tablespoons Ketchup
2 tablespoons French's Yellow Mustard in a super saver squeeze bottle
1 Gigantic hamburger bun

Cook beef patty thoroughly in a large skillet under high heat. Since you're an imbecile, don't even go for medium or medium rare. Cook it to death until it's so hard you can't punch your finger through it.

Once the patty is hard as a rock, place slices of the cheesefood on the burger until they melt. Don't worry, they'll melt perfectly. It's all chemicals.

Take patty out of pan and place it on an open face bun.

Take lettuce and peel off a few leaves. Place these leaves on the patty in a bed formation.

Slice tomato. Get mom to do this. You're an imbecile and can't be trusted with sharp objects. Take tomato slices and place on bed of lettuce.

Slice onion. Get mom to do this, too. Place slices of onion on top of tomato slices.

Spread mustard and ketchup on bun.

Shove the big gloppy mess in your face and enjoy, you gluttonous pig!

Recipe 2 -- Imbecilestew

Scratch this one. It's too complicated for an idiot like yourself.

Recipe 3 -- Imbecile Ice Coffee

Ingredients:

Coffee
Ice
Glass

Make a pot of hot coffee. Pour over a glass full of ice. Ha ha! All the ice is gone! Idiot! You should have let the coffee cool and then put it in the refrigerator for a few hours. What a clod!

Recipe 4 -- Imbecile French fries

Ingredients

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper

In a large skillet, fill with vegetable oil until oil is about 4 inches deep. Place over high heat. As the oil heats up, you will see a trace of black smoke. As soon as oil begins to shoot up into flames, call the fire department and tell them you're burning down the house. Ask them to stop and pick up a large order of fries from McDonalds before they come over.

Recipe 5 -- Imbecile Lobster Thermidor

Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Like you were going to make something that had more than 3 syllables in the name. Right!

Recipe 6 -- Imbecile Smoked Ham

Ingrediants:

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper
1 large ham

Follow directions for Receipe 4. While house is slowing burning to ground, place ham in basement, uncovered. It will take on that delicious smoky flavor that comes from being around burning wood and other building materials. Yum!