Blown Away: Supreme Court takes aim at the Founding Fathers

Guns don't kill people; people do. Actually, people don't kill people either; bullets kill people. Make sense? Of course not! So why waste time trying to come up with more stupid cliches instead of understanding why we're one of the most gunhappy nations in the civilized world? The Supreme Court's decision to resurrect a constitutional anachronism was exactly what the gun lobby wanted. Bully for them. But please don't try to tell me that guns that are sold and manufactured legally are somehow different from the guns bought and sold on the black market. Please don't tell me that "if we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns." Where do you think outlaws get their guns? From some underground manufacturing organization?

All gun bans have one major effect, plain and simple. They limit the number of guns that are available, for legal as well as illegal purposes. Is that such a bad thing? Do we really want to encourage the making, buying and selling of more guns than we already have? If we permit D.C. residents to purchase and own handguns, are we really going to see a decrease in crime? Or are we just giving criminals more places to find their weapons of choice?

And do you really think that owning a gun is going to prevent a crime, or even save your life? How many crimes can actually be prevented by guns? If you're held up on the street, it's too late to draw your weapon -- assuming you are even carrying it with you. This ain't the wild west. And believe me, you ain't Wyatt Earp. If your house is being burglarized, are you really going to go downstairs and confront the intruder with a gun? And what if you do? Are you going to shoot him in the face? Are you that good of a marksman? Do you think you might be a little nervous trying something that that? What if you miss? And what if the burglar is armed? He might shoot you first, you know. How are you going to explain to your kids that Daddy got his head blown off trying to save his big screen TV? And what if the burglar isn't armed which, I presume, is what you're hoping. You want to explain to the cops why there's an unarmed dead guy lying in a pool of blood in your living room? Good luck.

Maybe you keep your handguns at home and your house is broken into while you're away. That's the most likely scenario. Well, the burglar just got a free cache of weapons. Nice job! So much for those legal guns. You just made a free contribution to the illegal gun market. Congrats! Ever heard of supply and demand? If you increase supply -- you lower the price. By stockpiling weapons in your house, you now make it more affordable for that fourteen year old punk to go out on the street and buy his next killing device.

So, Supreme Court. Thanks for sticking up for our legal rights. But most of all, thanks for helping to increase the supply of weapons -- making them much easier to obtain than ever before. You may think that the founding fathers needed your assistance in interpreting their amendment. Actually, they needed you like they needed a hole in the head.

Tomorrow: Enough depressing garbage. We finish up our Road Rules series with a fun QUIZ. Better start studying!

Happy Independence Day: Supreme Court Strikes Down D.C. Gun Ban!

July 4th is only a week away and what better present to give the country on its birthday than a rewritten Constitution! Thanks to the Supreme Court, we now have a new and improved 2nd Amendment -- ensuring that America's gun culture will flourish well into the next millennium. As you know, the Supremes finally decided that the 2nd Amendment's "right of the People to keep and bear arms" language applies to everyone -- not to just State run militias. In other words, the Supreme Court concluded -- all by itself -- that the founding fathers must have drafted that provision because they were concerned that law abiding citizens needed firearms to protect themselves against burglars and street thugs. I guess there was a lot of that going around in 1787.

Don't worry about the fact that the Second Amendment begins with a very bold reference to a "[w]ell regulated militia." That doesn't mean anything. The drafters were obviously drunk on mead when they wrote that one. There was no absolutely no concern that the Federal Government might usurp the states' powers after first stripping the states of all of their viable firepower. That kind of stuff never crossed anyone's mind. No -- the states and the Federal Government were all part of one big happy family. Hell, the only reason they named the country: "The United States of America" was because it sounded kinda cool. There was no tension between the big and small governments. No need to protect the smaller governments from the one big giant government. It wasn't like we were once ruled by a King or anything.

So it makes perfect sense that the Supreme Court held that "the right to bear arms" really meant "the right to accumulate as many handguns as possible, to carry them around, to even have them lying around the house without trigger locks." Read the words yourself:

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Of course, it doesn't say: "A well regulated Militia ... [and] the right of the People to bear arms, shall not be infringed." It also doesn't say, "a well regulated Militia ... [or] the right .. to bear arms, shall not be infringed. But these are minor details. The founding fathers were simply horrible proofreaders. Ok -- so they left out an "and" here and an "or" there. Big deal. They had a lot on their plates.

In fact, when you look at the other "rights" in the Bill of Rights, you can see the same omissions. Just look at the First Amendment:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Do you see any "ands" or "ors" in that one? You do? Oops. Well, I guess that's not a good example. They were probably so tired after they drafted the First Amendment that they messed up all the other ones. Let's look at the Fourth Amendment. That came after the Second Amendment.

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Ok. Well I guess there are a few "ands" and one "or" in that one, too. So what? If you take out the first "and," the point is exactly the same. Or is it? Let's see:

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated [and] no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

Hmmm. Looks to me like the Fourth Amendment (sans the "and") is now nothing more than a go-by for issuing a warrant. Plus, without the "and," one could easily conclude that all searches and seizures would be deemed unreasonable unless pursuant to a warrant. Is that true? If so, we need to reverse approximately a million and half cases which permitted certain warrantless searches.

You see, an "and" may seem pretty minor, but it can have a major effect. Let's look at the 27th Amendment:

"No law, varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect, until an election of Representatives shall have intervened."

There's no "and" between "law" and "varying the compensation." Well, what if Justice Scalia sticks on in there? Now, we have:

"No law, [and] varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect, until an election of Representatives shall have intervened."

Interesting. Originally, we were saying that Congress can only give itself a pay raise if the raise takes effect after an election. Now, we're saying that "no law" can take effect until after an election. You think Congress is slow now -- just wait until Justice Scalia gets a hold of the 27th Amendment.

I guess the important point is that the five Justices were thinking exactly as the founding fathers thought. I'm sure they did some research and found that, 221 years ago, the "right...to bear arms" was necessary because of all the concerns about crime. I'm sure there were all kinds of bank holdups and muggings and stuff. I'll bet there were a lot of drive-by shootings and massacres on college campuses, too.

Back in 1787, I'm sure there were just as many fourteen year olds running around with handguns blowing peoples' heads off for no reason. I'm also almost positive that there were just as many psychos walking into high schools, post offices, McDonald's restaurants, Amish schoolhouses, University classrooms, day care centers, and cafeterias toting automatic weapons and firing wildly away -- motivated only by the desire to snuff out as many innocent lives as possible. Yeah, just like now -- they had all those problems back then! Remember the Boston massacre? I haven't looked it up but I'll bet it had something to do with some crazy strolling into a Boston Chicken and spraying the joint with musket balls. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Or maybe the founding fathers were concerned about attacks from Native Americans? You see, American Indians had a lot of clout back them and probably lobbied real hard to take away the pioneers' firearms. While the various tribes were scalping the settlers with their tomahawks, the poor white man couldn't catch a break in this town! So Congress decided to let him go buy a 9 mm.

Well, whatever the reason, we now have a brand spanking new, rewritten Constitution. And as a result, we should go out and buy as many guns as possible. Only then will we get a handle on crime. Those crooks will be shaking in their boots when, after pulling a gun on us in the street, we turn around Clint Eastwood style and blow them away with our .357 magnums.

Now, normally, the Justices don't give interviews, but Imbecile Magazine managed to nab an exclusive with Justice Scalia on this one. Here's a snippet:

I.M.: So, Justice Scalia, you've really done it this time. I hope you're happy. J.S.: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the f*** do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK.

I.M.: Aren't you worried that people will buy more guns -- that they will get in a situation where they panic and start shooting?

J.S.: Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot!

I.M.: Any concern that you only got 5 votes for this decision?

J.S.: I know what you're thinking. "Did we get five votes or only four?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is the Supreme Court, the most powerful judicial body in the world, and we can decide presidential elections and practically everything else, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

I.M.: No, I don't feel lucky. Not at all, Justice Scalia.

J.S.: Let me tell you something, kid. You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

I.M.: Oh, is that so?

J.S.: You wanna f*** with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Don't worry. I'm sure those were probably just firecrackers. Happy Independence Day!

How did every stoplight suddenly become an independently run, unregulated charity?

Many many years ago, back in the mid-1980's, I remember seeing a poor slob standing on a street corner holding a sign that read, "Will Work for Food." Because I had never seen anything like this before, I honestly believed that this person was so poor, so down on his luck, that he was willing to go to your house and perform any job in exchange for nourishment. My heart was nearly broken. How sad was this poor man's plight! He barely had enough energy to stand and he was willing to nearly kill himself just to prevent starvation.

Well, bud, things have changed. Around the 1990's, this whole "Will Work for Food" scheme got some major tweaking. Apparently, few people, if any, were actually looking for food. And they damn sure weren't expecting to do any work. They wanted cash -- and lots of it.

Now, I'm not going to go on and on about who these schemes are actually scams. I'm not going to rant cynically about how I came to learn that many of these beggars have decent homes, drive relatively normal cars, or are simply drug users who, after accumulating the requisite number of greenbacks, jump in their SUVs which they've strategically parked down the street, and head off to local crack dealer's. You won't hear that from me. Not I!

What you will hear is how these people have turned almost every major intersection into an even bigger traffic nightmare than it already is. It's like they've staked out this territory and registered it as a business address. And the same poor slobs show up at the same place every day! One would think that, by collecting all that cash, their luck would change. I mean, the least they could do is provide us with an update. Are they still homeless? Are they still hungry? Hasn't anything improved?

And then there are those signs. Though most them carry pretty much the same message, there are a few variations. The popular choice is, "homeless, please help, God bless" and of course, some of those words must be misspelled. And the sign--it must be crinkled up and dirty. I mean, who's going to give money to some articulate dude with a nice, fresh sign? And if you think you're going to make money dressed in nice, clean clothing, you've got another thing coming. Smear some coal on that face. Tear a hole in those ill fitting pants. Grow a beard and call yourself a Vietnam vet. Heck, lose a shoe. Nothing pulls at the heart strings more than a dirty, tattered, insane, asymmetrically dressed idiot!

But I'm being cynical again. The thing that really bugs me is how they conduct their enterprise. They stroll (limping) from car to car, looking down on you with that sad, dog-eyed face -- holding out their hand like they're a dollar away from death. And then when someone rolls down the window to hand them a George Washington, suddenly they can run like the wind -- cutting through through traffic like a New England Patriots running back. "Thank you" or "God bless you" can be heard from car lengths away -- as if to send a message to all the other indifferent, self-centered, greedy drivers who only care about getting home from work. Listen up, people. There's an angel here!

And all of this occurs at the exact moment the light has changed to green. So, of course, traffic can't move because the not-so-poor-anymore slob has to complete his transaction. The "giver" needs time to massage his middle class guilt -- and the "getter" has to advertise to the rest of the world that yes, his scam is working.

You see, there's nothing like being a captive audience. Just about anywhere else, you can avoid beggars. On the street, you keep on walking. If some charity sends you a solicitation -- you recycle it. Someone calls you at home; say "no, thank you" and hang up. But in traffic you are stuckerino. The only place worse is the subway and most cities will toss those guys out on their ear. But no one is going after the intersection-shake-down-artist. In fact, many of them are being permitted to set up shop right in the median if there's any space. I've seen backpacks, coolers, pets -- even a barcalounger. Yes, a freaking barcalounger.

It's not a freakin' crime scene! MOVE YOUR CAR!

Since when did the routine fender bender become a catastrophic event? Two cars collide, they trade a little paint -- maybe even some metal gets bent. Fine! Move off to the side of the road and exchange information! Hell, I don't care if you exchange blows or even gunfire. Just get off the freaking road! No one is interested in doing a full scale investigation of your little mishap. Move it!

Sometimes I get caught in traffic where virtually nothing moves. Finally, after a half hour of moving three feet at a time, I locate the source of the problem. Somebody's Mercedes got tagged by a 1998 Dodge Neon. Ok, fine. Move off to the side of the road, for God's sake! Do you think the police are going to send out an All Points Bulletin? Do you think some veteran investigator is going to show up, draw chalk lines around the two vehicles, take a hundred photos from a dozen angles, and then have both cars towed back to crime lab for forensic analysis? NO!!! Nobody cares about your little encounter. If a cop does show up, the first thing he's going to do is bonk both of your heads together and tell you to move your wreckage the hell off the road so the rest of us can get to work! Trust me, this is not going to be the lead story on the six o'clock news. CSI is not going to show up and crack the case. MOVE IT!!!

The fact is, most of these accidents are so minor, the drivers spend the first ten minutes arguing about whether there's any real damage in the first place. Move off to the side of the road, you chuckleheads! Since when did you think every little dent and ding deserved so much attention? You're probably the type who takes up two parking spots because you're terrified that someone will open their car door and chip off two molecules of paint. Get over it! I swear to God, I ought to go through every parking lot and whack each new vehicle I see just to get you through the initial trauma of realizing that your precious ride isn't always going to be perfect. Hey, we live in a society. Things get bumped! God forbid it should happen to you. It will!!!

The other day, I took a bus back to D.C. from New York City. The bus hit a taxicab and took out a piece of of the guy's mirror. BFD! Move out of the way! The bus driver gave him the insurance information but the cabbie had to be a total jerk about it. In fact, he pulled his cab in front of the bus, blocking us and all the other traffic behind him. He wanted to wait for the police. "Sure, bud. We'll send a squad car right over! We'll just put off trying to figure out who executed four people up in the South Bronx last night. Oh -- and did I mention that the RR derailed and 20 people are trapped. I guess they can wait while we sort out who's responsible for that ding in your mirror."

Move off the freaking road!!!

The Bicycle Diaries

Monday: I'm a bicyclist. I'm not an earth killer like all those people who drive cars. I'm superior to all of them. I'm self-righteous and indignant. And I'm proud of it.

Tuesday: Today, I learned a new move. It's called "pretending to be a car." I ride my bike in the middle of the lane so cars can't get around me. Sometimes when I go up the hill I have to pedal real slow. But I don't move out of the way. I stay in the middle of the lane. Tough crap if those cars have to wait behind me. They're a bunch of earth killers. I'm a bicyclist. I'm superior!

Wednesday: I got tired of pretending to be car. Now, I'm pretending to be a pedestrian. So I ride on the sidewalk and terrify all the pedestrians because I ride so fast. They should just move out of the way. Who cares about them anyway? They're just pedestrians and I'm a bicyclist. I'm superior!

Thursday: This morning I decided to pretend to be a car again. But then I saw a stoplight. I thought to myself, "I don't want to stop at no damn stoplights." So I stopped pretending to be a car and ran the light. You know what? The traffic in the other direction had to stop to avoid hitting me. If they had hit me, I would sue them big time. How do you think it would look in court if a poor earth saver, non-gas waster, tree-lover like myself was hit by an earth killing machine driven by a nasty, fat-slob, self indulgent polluting fat cat planet murderer? See what I mean? Case closed. I'm superior!

Friday: Today, there was a lot of traffic on the road, so pretending to be a car didn't work for me. There was also a lot of pedestrian traffic. so pretending to be a pedestrian didn't work either. Instead, I decided to dart in and out of traffic like a wild maniac. Boy, were those earth killers shocked to see me whiz by them. Of course, if they had hit me, I would sue them bigtime! And I would win. I'm superior!

Saturday: This morning, I went on this beautiful, wooded pedestrian/bike trail. Because I like to bike really fast, I yelled "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" to everyone as I sped by. There were a lot of mothers with strollers and baby carriages. And kids on roller blades. They got really scared when I flew by them. Some of them were so startled they jumped to the left instead of the right. I had to swerve around them so I yelled "Idiot!" as I whizzed past. I don't care. They can't catch me anyway.

Sunday: The streets were pretty deserted but I still wanted to ride on the sidewalk. That's just me. I don't like to follow the trends. Besides, if I want to ride on the sidewalk, I will. Cause I'm superior!! Anyway, I came across a bunch of churchgoers and yelled "ON YOUR LEFT!!!" as I approached them. They didn't know what to do. They were a bunch of big fat religious fanatics! So I swerved around them and yelled a word that begins with "ASS" and ends with "HOLE." They were pretty shocked and surprised! Hell, I don't care. I'm superior!!! I'll probably see them tomorrow when they get in their earth killing machines and drive to work. I might even whack their cars as I ride by and tell them to go back to the suburbs where they belong. They're a bunch of earth killers and I'm an urban bicyclist. I'm superior!!!

The Ten Pedestrian Commandmants

Oneth

Thou shalt yieldeth to pedestrians no mattereth whateth.

If a pedestrian is walking across the street, you must yield. It doesn't matter if the pedestrian is at a crosswalk, is disobeying the signal light, or is flagrantly jaywalking. You must yield. Period. And why not? You can't hit pedestrians and they know it. This is why they will walk out in front of traffic all the time.

Twoeth

If thou be-est a pedestrian, thou shalt walketh as sloweth as possibleth.

This is the Champs d'Elyse right? Go ahead, take your time. I'm in no hurry. That's why I'm driving a car because I don't need to get anywhere. I'm just tooling around burning gas for no reason. So, don't rush across the street. If I can't turn this time, I'm sure I'll be able to turn the next time the light turns green. Unless, of course, there are pedestrians just like you who manage to walk so slowly that they hold up traffic until the light turns red again. Oh well, I guess I'll never get where I'm going.

Threeeth

Acteth totally indignant if a driver dareth to maketh a mistake.

Pedestrians can walk out in front of traffic when they misread a light. If they see that they don't have enough time to cross before the light turns red, they may still dart out in front of traffic. But if a driver actually tries to make a turn and gets within 20 feet of a precious pedestrian --NOOOOOOO! In fact, to teach that driver a lesson, the pedestrian has a duty to kick the car as hard as he or she possibly can. That will teach you to make an error, buddy! I'm a pedestrian! You're nothing but a polluting, stinking earth killer!!!

Foureth

When at thy crosswalk, enter thy crosswalk and make all traffic stopeth. Don't waiteth until the traffic subsideth.

When a pedestrian enters a marked crosswalk, apparently, all drivers must yield. This doesn't matter if there's a light, stop sign, or whatever. It's apparently a rule. Therefore, pedestrians should milk this rule for everything it's worth and force drivers to start obeying this badly drafted law. They must jump out in the middle of the crosswalk at the most inopportune time. Do not wait for traffic to dissipate or slow down. Show those dirty smoggifying, earth killing, fossil fuel wasting, environmental serial killers that you know your rights and you intend to exercise them!

Fiveth

When witheth thy friends, walketh in front of traffic to show you are cooleth.

What better way to show the girls how brave and daring you are than to walk out in front of moving traffic -- making all the vehicles stop dead in their tracks. This display of courage will surely win you the best looking females. They won't be able to resist you since you are so cool and devil-may-care-ish. Let's just hope that someone just like you isn't behind the wheel and takes you up on your challenge. Believe me, in that case, they will be calling you Splatter-Boy and something tells me that splatter boys don't get all that many dates.

Sixeth

Remembereth this -- your needs are more importanteth than anyone else's.

Being a pedestrian has its rewards. You can get a little exercise, save money, and experience the fresh air. So you should also get even more special perks, right? Those people in their automobiles are self-indulgent, fat slobs who don't care about anyone but themselves. Who cares about them? Let them burn in hell! You need to cross that road and if they don't like it, they can burn in hell. So there! Did I mention that they can burn in hell? Oh, I did? Well, let's review. Where can they burn? In hell! Who can burn in hell? They can! Ok, I think you got it.

Seveneth

Thy pedestrian is always righteth.

Even if they walk right out in the middle of traffic. Even if they totally disobey that walk sign. Even if they jaywalk or walk through traffic that is stopped or moving. Even if they do stuff that I haven't thought of. You, the driver, are going to lose any argument you get into with a pedestrian. And why? Because pedestrians are vulnerable and could get killed. Who ever heard of a driver getting killed by a pedestrian?

Eighteth

Ifeth thy inconsiderateth driver hails from out of town, maketh funneth of him.

In those cases where a driver makes a mistake or fails to properly yield to the ignoble pedestrian, the pedestrian must make sure to yell at said driver in the most wicked tone practicable. Also, the pedestrian may notice the license and, if the driver is from out of state, instruct the driver to return to said state post haste.

Nineth

Wheneth many cars are waiting to turn, thy pedestrian must walketh as sloweth as possibleth.

Yes, this is similar to Commandant No. 2. But I'm totally running out of commandmants. Plus, walking so slowly as to prevent drivers from getting where they need to go is so much fun it deserves another mention. Remember to look them in the eye and give them a big cheshire cat grin. There, that little piece of advice deserves another commandment.

Teneth

Looketh downeth on all thy earth killer drivers.

Remember. You, the pedestrian, are superior to all other species. That's why so many ridiculous laws were passed enabling you to disrupt traffic and play by whatever rules you see fit at the time. That's why tickets for failing to yield to pedestrians outnumber jaywalking citations by about a million to one! You are the master race, O pedestrian Gods and Godesses! We are not worthy and should go back home to the suburbs and run ourselves over with our own earth killing machines --as noble sacrifices to your enlightened existence!

IMBECILE FASHION SPREAD! HOT NEW LOOKS FOR SUMMER! by I. Forkrap

Yo yo yo. Time to bee poppin tags again. 86 those county blues cuz U B geared in your LA sag. No time for skeet pants -- git yourself saggin and braggin. Shorty know what eye Beez talkin bout. When you dress like dis-izzle, you B so fly-izzle your boo will go crazy and think you got a jump-off-izzle! Check it out, yizzle!

Model:
Gary Spotswood ("G-Spot"); Age 25.

Occupation:
(left blank)

Education:
(left blank)

All about muh-ee:
Wangsta (wannabe gangster); Emo.

Fly drink:
Crunk juice; Bacardi; Any 24-oz malt liquor

My ride:
Riced up 1986 Nissan Pulsar.

Hair Color:
Paris Hilton foogazey.

Likes: Bling, Benjamins; Big badonkadonk; my gold-plated grill.

Dislikes: Brama: spooge on my new shoes; when customers ask for extra cheese

My gear:
Giant Bulls eye T-shirt, size XXXXXXL by Liv. N. Large Fashions, c/o I.B. Sowen, Inc.
Giant checked drawz by Check-It-Out Designs; designed by Jenny Tull and Skid, Mark.
Supersized saggy denim jeans, size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL by Zip Herrup.
Fake Leather Belt by Tanya Hyde, pleather accessories and other cheap junk for sale.

Faux Gold Painted Belt Buckle by Dolt, Cheese & Garbanza
Smiley medallion designed by R. Slicker c/o Jewlree4Idjits
Gold Grill by Dr. D. Kay, DDS.
Hair Design by What-was-U-Thinkin Hair Salon, L.A.

NEXT WEEK!!!!
Exclusive: Imbecile Magazine's ROAD RULES -- Don't Miss It!!!

Imbecile Medical Report: Researchers Discover Link Between Alcoholism -- Being an Idiot

By Sy Berfrawd, Imbecile Medical Reporter.

In a study involving 1000 imbeciles across the nation, researchers concluded that, in many cases, acting like a complete moron may lead to alcoholism. The study revealed that young men and women who insist on making ridiculous fools of themselves have a higher chance of becoming alcoholics later in life. The study also showed that members of the same focus group are prone to social ostracism and general bewilderment about the world.

For their study, researchers visited 100 college and high school campuses, seeking out the biggest jerks they could find.

"We wanted a particular type of subject," said Dr. Gerri Attrick. "It wasn't enough to request the names of the biggest idiots on campus. In fact, when we spoke to most kids, their definition of idiot was far different than ours."

In some cases, researchers say, the person described as the "rowdiest" or "biggest party-er" usually turned out to be the best subject for research study.

"We started noticing patterns of behavior that were uniform across the country," said Dr. Attrick. "For instance, students who yelled 'wooooo' a lot and drove cars with deafening sound systems were perfect candidates. Also, those who consumed alcoholic beverages through 'beer bongs' were exactly what we were looking for."

A "beer bong" is a device consisting of a long tube attached to a large funnel. One person pours a large quantify of an alcoholic beverage, usually beer, into the open end of the funnel while the other person inserts the tube down his throat. The design of the "beer bong" causes the beer to rapidly flow through the tube in large quantities, forcing the person on the other end to consume huge amounts of beer during a short period of time.

"Only an imbecile would use such a device," said Dr. Attrick. "In that sense, we were lucky because every person with a beer bong was a perfect candidate for the study."

Dr. Attrick notes that researchers also found candidates who possessed "wearable beer bongs" and "beer hats."

"This was almost too good to be true," said Attrick. "When you see people with these devices, the determination of idiocy is a no brainer, no pun intended."

The findings of the study were surprising. Though scientists have long held the belief that alcoholism is genetically related, researchers learned that the incidence of alcoholism among genetically pre-disposed idiots is far greater than among those who simply carry the gene.

"In other words," said Dr. Attrick. "An idiot with the alcoholic gene almost always becomes an alcoholic. A reasonably intelligent person, even though he or she may carry the gene, may not go on to abuse drugs or alcohol. It depends."

An official with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) says the results of the study are consistent with the group's experience.

"Someone who comes into AA is obviously looking for help," said Al Kahaulich, president of the Canoga Park AA Chapter. "That shows some intelligence. We rarely see idiots and imbeciles walk in here and when we do, it's because they think it's a place for alcoholics to get hammered in private. Apparently, they don't know what we're all about. Some don't even know what the word 'anonymous' means."

One research subject, Mr. Stu Pidd, confirmed that, to many drunk imbeciles, AA is a big mystery.

"Like, man, I thought it was that car place, you know, man, where you get maps and directions and they tow your ride if you break down," said Pidd.

Anita Brane, who also participated in the study, said she always thought Alcoholics Anonymous was a place for people to drink without their parents finding out.

"I mean, it makes sense, don't it? You are an alcoholic and you go somewhere to be anonymous. Why don't they serve beer there? They could make a lot more money if they did. It's stupid not to sell beer."

Researchers say the results of this latest study also confirm a disturbing pattern among imbeciles, idiots, and morons, who already suffer from a higher incidence of accident related injuries and deaths. Currently, the normal life expectancy for a normal American male is 73. The average imbecile lives to be only 50, if he's lucky.

Leading causes of imbecile deaths are as follows:

10. Skateboarding accidents
9. Tree collisions (includes sticking your head out of the car window to taunt someone and then having it smash into a tree)
8. Car accidents (includes falling asleep on a roadway and being run over by a motor vehicle)
7. Train accidents (includes falling asleep on railroad tracks after passing out drunk and then being cut in three pieces by an oncoming train)
6. Self-inflicted injury (includes injuries caused while being videotaped for use on YouTube, reality TV, or Jackass: The Sequel)
5. Alcohol overdoses/alcohol poisoning
4. Violence (includes being punched out for being an wise-ass idiot)
3. Choking (on food, usually due to too rapid consumption of giant slices of pizza or sub sandwiches while laughing uproariously at something unbelievably stupid)
2. Drowning (includes jumping into bodies of water notwithstanding the fact that you have no idea how to swim)
1. Total brain failure (almost all imbeciles suffer from some form of this, however, in some cases, the imbecile's brain completely shuts down simply because he is, after all, an imbecile!)

[Above: Photo of two imbeciles with a beer bong being watched by two blithering idiots, one of whom is holding a 48 oz. cup of beer and giant turkey leg]

Imbecile Employment Outlook: Get the Job You Deserve - 10 Tips For Landing Dat Fast Food Gig!

By Morrie Dundant, IMBECILE Financial News Correspondent.

If you had ever read a newspaper (and you haven't), you'd know that times are tough --economically speaking. Big companies are laying off employees and unskilled labor is hard to come by. Gone are the days when you could spend all day standing in front of a construction site, stoned on pot and holding a traffic flag for ten dollars an hour. In these tough times, jobs are scarce and competition is greater than ever.

Unfortunately, many companies still require a high school and even a college education just to get an interview. With that in mind, you need to think about an alternative. However, you're in luck! There is at least one industry that is still waiving the education requirement -- fast food!
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Here are ten tips to help you land your dream job in the fast food business:

10. Show up to apply.
Many candidates think that companies will come to them. This might be true if you had gone to college or even graduate school -- but we all know the answer to that question. In this day and age, you have to physically go to the restaurant and ask for an application. No one is going to do it for you. Except maybe, your mother.

9. Fill out the application correctly.
Lots of applications contain blank spaces for personal data, such as your name, address, and phone number. Remember to include this information. I know your friends will think it's funny if you write "nunna yo dam bidnezz" or "I be on the donotcall list" but most employers need to get in touch with you -- so this information is helpful to them.

8. Dress appropriately.
Believe it or not, having eight inches of your underwear sticking out is probably not a good thing on a job interview. Let me also suggest that you leave that giant clock at home instead of wearing it around your neck. Yes, I know Flavor Flav wears one and he's rich -- but you're not, so lose the timepiece!

7. Speak English.
Now, this is not directed at people who speak a foreign language. Obviously, those people are aware that some knowledge of English is usually a pre-requisite for working in the customer service industry. I'm talking about you! Please make sure that most of the words in your vocabulary are found in a dictionary. For instance, "Whazzup yo?" is not exactly the way you want to greet customers at the counter. Also, profanity is highly discouraged -- even when you drop that large milkshake all over your lime green Adidas.

6. Stop smoking the chronic.
I doubt you will follow this tip, but working while you are stoned out of your mind tends to decrease your productivity. Also, people don't like to be waited on by someone who thinks that every customer's order is hilarious.

5. Before your interview, memorize the operative terms.
This is going to be difficult because it's sort of a test. But you should be familiar with such terms as "hamburger" "french fries" and "milkshake." Take a week off and study if you need to!

4. If you are offered a job, show up on time.
Of course, this only applies to the first day. After that, I'm almost positive you'll be late every day assuming you ever show up at all.

3. Practice hygiene.
Congratulations! You finally figured out what that sign means. You know, the one that reads: "Employees must wash hands before returning to work"? It's a good idea to follow that advice. You don't want to be responsible for spreading some dreadful disease and making everyone, including thousands of customers, really, really sick. And no, that wouldn't be really, really funny. GEEZ!

2. Tell the manager that you want the job.
Occasionally, the interviewer (or manager) will ask you some personal questions. For instance, he/she may say, "Why do you want to work here?" or "Do you really want to work here?" Don't say "I dunno" or "I guess." Such responses reveal a lack of ambition and commitment. Yes, I realize you have no ambition, but could you at least try to fake it for 30-minutes?

1. If hired, immediately sign up for health insurance.
Chances are, with your background and lack of education, this is going to be the best job you ever had. Of course, you will probably get fired right away. Even if this happens, they have to extend your health insurance for a few weeks or even months following your separation. So, after you are thrown out on your ear for giving away double cheeseburgers to your homeboys, you will still be covered for a short period. Now, I expect that, after you are fired, you will probably do something really stupid while celebrating your freedom from "corporate America" and end up in the hospital with multiple lacerations and fractures. Health insurance will come in handy.

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Good luck!

Our Cover Story: "That Guy Has Really Cool Taste in Music and I Want to Make Love to Him" by Shirley U. Jest

Cover Story by Shirley U. Jest, Special Correspondent to Imbecile Magazine

It's Friday night and the mall is hopping with chicks. It's the perfect time to load up your low-rider with your home boys and start scouting out those delicious babes. But first, you have to cruise through the hood with your car stereo blasting at ear splitting volume. You have to show these women just how cool you are.

As your car pounds with the beat, the drivers on either side make ugly faces and look away. Some even roll up their windows. They're just jealous, you conclude. They wish they had a chillin ride with a sound system like yours. If only their cars could pulse and vibrate? If only they had your awesome taste in music? It's settled! You are the hippest dude in the joint. You da man!

On almost every street corner in America, this scenario is played out in the diminutive brains of thousands of young men as they cruise the streets in their pimped out cars -- letting us know just how cool they are.

They blast their music though a car sound system that is rigged with so many speakers and sub woofers, that the only real sound emitting from the vehicle is a throbbing vibration that shakes everything around it. The purpose of this audio-centric configuration is crystal clear. These "boom car" drivers want the world to know they are the grooviest guys in town. They have the loudest cars, the freshest look, and the best taste in music. And they want to share their tastes and talents with everyone around them.

"I love boom cars," said Anita Brane, a female mall rat in Canoga Park. "When I see one of them coming down the street, I think to myself -- those guys are soooooo cool. I wish I could be them"

Though a small minority of uptight, Puritan types have expressed minor annoyance with the boom car set, the overall majority of Americans consider them to be an asset to the community.

"These guys are the trendsetters," said Al Koholic, businessman. "When they ride by my outdoor cafe and their gangsta rap is blasting so loud my customers can't hear each other -- I say to myself: that's so cooooooool. Why can't I be like that? I wish they could stop in and I could give them something for free."

Many look to boom cars and their occupants for guidance on everything from fashion to musical taste.

"When I go to record store, I not know what to buy," said Losef S. Teem, a recent immigrant. "These guys point me in right direction. I really want to know what to they listening, so I be happy they cruise through my neighborhood blasting music all night long -- waking my baby and scaring my 90-year-old mother so bad she almost get heart attack every time they ride by. But this OK -- this land of free."

According to psychologists, boom car drivers are highly desirable to women, especially those who looking for someone to be their baby's daddy.

"We find that boom car drivers are especially attractive to females, probably because of their exquisite musical taste, their boss rides, and their aggressiveness," posits Dr. Bea Loony. "Girls just love it when a guy blasts his music --especially if the lyrics include some thug complaining about the 'man.' They also love it when guys yell 'wooooooooo' and then speed away without showing the tiniest trace of politeness."

"Me and my girlfriends just love it when the boom car boys drive by," said Brane, who recently appeared on an episode of Maury Povich during which producers performed a paternity test on her newborn child. "We don't even mind if they call us the b-word. That's cool cause the rappers use it."

Though some communities have considered passing ordinances limiting the amount of noise in their neighborhoods, most of these initiatives fail once residents recognize the valuable contribution that boom car drivers provide.

"They come into a quiet, peaceful neighborhood and instill a party atmosphere," said Al De Pantzya, former councilman of Canoga Park. "They make sure no one sleeps too much -- they help young parents and infants get used to the idea that they won't ever sleep through the night. Thanks to them, it's as if we're all back in college again -- strike that -- back in high school. Only this time with automatic handguns."

"I say keep on truckin," said Ms. Teem. "You guys are bomb."

Currently, unemployment among boom car drivers is unusually high. Most attribute that to the fact that boom car drivers are iconoclastic and don't assimilate well within the normal working class environment.

One boom car driver, Stu Pitt, recently applied for a manager's job at a local Checker's but was turned down for lack of experience.

"They showing prejudizm 'gainst us -- just like Fiddy Cent said," said Pitt, who is preparing to take his GED examination for the third time. "Yo! The man be against us 24-7."

Pitt says he plans to apply for a receptionist job at a local tattoo parlor. However, until he finds work, he'll live off the proceeds he earned while appearing on the Maury Povich episode with Ms. Brane, his baby's mumma.

Cafe owner Koholic says he frequently gets job applications from boom car drivers, but has no current openings.

"I'd love to hire one of these guys, but we have no positions that match their qualifications. However, I'd be willing to give them something for free -- like a skillet on top of their head!"

TOMORROW: 10 tips on landing your dream job! Ok, not your dream job but the only job you have the slightest chance of obtaining given your pitiful lack of qualifications.

[Photo above: Though most women find boom cars irresistible, a small minority think their drivers are parasites who should be wiped off the face of the earth]

INTRODUCING IMBECILE MAGAZINE!!!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

URACLOD is excited to announce an exciting new adventure that is sure to excite all the already excitable URACLOD readers who are constantly looking for more excitement. Today, URACLOD executives unveiled the June 2008 cover of IMBECILE MAGAZINE, a publication for and about imbeciles all over the world. IMBECILE is the only magazine totally geared to the imbecile, whether the topic is fashion, employment, social interaction, trends, or current affairs. According to IMBECILE publisher Bill Oni, IMBECILE looks at every story from the perspective of the imbecile, providing a fresh perspective "that only a true imbecile can appreciate."

"Our June issue sets the stage for the excitement that will follow," said Oni. "We start off with a big fashion spread on the hottest trend in imbecile fashion -- the saggy hip-hop jeans, giant underpants, and too big t-shirt."

Oni says the June issue will also feature an indepth article on imbeciles and jackasses, examining whether any differences exist between the two lifestyles.

"A jackass is usually a person who attempts dangerous stunts, seeking attention. He can also be someone who does inconsiderate or outrageous things, thinking that his friends will think he's daring and funny," said Oni. "Imbeciles and jackasses, as our story reveals, share many of same traits."

The June issue also provides some fresh insight into imbeciles who drive around with their music blasting out of their car windows and yell "wooooo" at attractive women.

Oni says IMBECILE readers will be happy to discover some great interview tips for finding employment in the fast food industry.

"We found out that fast food establishments, even some Starbucks, actively recruit our target audience. However, there's a lot of competition and everyone could use a few words of advice," said Oni.

Finally, the June issue concludes with a thoughtful poem penned by Harry Wang and titled "Why No One Likes You." Here's a brief excerpt:

"Yesday, I got nother ring in my lip
It got tangled in a girlz sweater
She start wiggin
But her booty was sweeeeeet

I said, 'yo' whatz yo number?
She lookd at me sidewayz
Sorry, she say, but I don't date
Losers, jackasses or geeks"

For now, Imbecile Magazine is only available online. However, Oni says the publisher is considering a paper version.

"Historically," said Oni. "imbeciles wouldn't pick up a magazine unless the words 'Juggs' or 'Barely Legal' were on the cover. We're trying to change that."

Though Oni won't reveal the contents of the July issue, he says IMBECILE's reporters are working hard to score a big celebrity interview. Possible interview subjects include Steve O, Flavor Flav, and Gene Simmons.

"This magazine is long overdue," says Oni. "2008 is definitely going to be the year of the imbecile."

[Tomorrow: Exclusive look at the imbeciles who drive around in their pimped out cars with the windows open and their car stereos blasting nothing but throbbing bass notes]

Avoid High Gas Bills; Hitch a Ride!

Well, we finally ran out of ideas to save energy. So we decided to reach out to you, the loyal reader, to see what ideas, if any, you might have. Not surprisingly, you offered us a great big goose-egg. Nada. Zilch. Nothing.

So, we sent our survey out to a nearby maximum security prison because, as you may know, inmates love to get mail! The response from the prison was overwhelming. We were amazed to find out that America's penal institutions are hotbeds of ideas and innovation. When you think about it, this makes sense. These guys are sitting around all day, doing nothing. There's no pressure to perform, no deadlines to meet. I understand how they can be so inventive.

Anyway, on to the results -- in ascending order:

4. Turn off all the streetlights at night, especially in affluent areas. This will save a ton of electricity and taxpayer dollars. Of course, the streets will be pitch black so run like hell when you get out of your car.

3. Disconnect all burglar alarm systems. Alarms are a big problem. They use lots of electricity and they tie up phone lines. False alarms are an even bigger problem. They cause police to respond unnecessarily, wasting valuable gas. Disconnect them and save a bundle!

2. Fire all police officers. With all the brutality charges, police have become more of a liability than an asset. Remember Rodney King? Plus, as investigators, they don't solve crimes, they just frame innocent people. Remember O.J.? Besides, all cops ever do is pull people over and give them tickets. Then they go and eat a ton of doughnuts. Who needs a police force? Getting rid of it will save a ton of energy, especially since those doughnut makers require a lot of juice.

1. Bring back hitchhiking. This entry really surprised us. However, almost everyone on death row suggested it -- especially those serving sentences for kidnapping, stalking and other sex crimes. Though immensely popular in the 50's and 60's, hitchhiking fell out of favor. In fact, you rarely see women hitchhiking these days and if you do, they're probably NOT looking for a ride (know what I mean?).

Needless to say, hitchhiking saves tons of gas -- especially for the hitchhiker. You get to ride for free and someone else pays. It also reduces the "carbon footprint" since you're using only one car instead of two.

Of course, hitchhiking carries some risks. There's always the chance you'll be picked up by some loudmouth who will talk your ear off the entire time. And there's always that guy with body odor. Pee yoo! But it's a small price to pay to have someone chauffeur you around for free!

Thanks guys! These were all great suggestions! I'm sure many of you will practice what you preach when you get out. Being such "can-do" men, you'll probably take the initiative and knock out street lights, police surveillance cameras, and alarm systems -- since they all require lots of energy. And I'm sure that, once you're set free, you will pick up every hitchhiker on the road. By the way, speaking of ingenuity, I couldn't help noticing that many of you have drawn up some wicked good escape plans.

Well, I hope you enjoyed Earth Week! I certainly did! Here's one final tip: Turn off your computer right now.

I said -- TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!!!! No, don't check your email one last time. Nobody has written to you in the few seconds it's taken you to read this blog. Don't go back to Facebook. It's exactly the same as when you were on two minutes ago. You don't have any new friend requests and nobody on Match.com has suddenly seen your profile and decided you're the one. Forget about it. Turn the machine off NOW!!!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Save Fuel? How About No More Connecting Flights?

Leave it to Insult Airlines™ to submit one of the more creative entries to this year's Earth Week contest. As you remember, we've posted three great ideas so far. Let's review:

MONDAY:

The "Tearer-In-Two-Er™" is today's energy conscious answer to the shredder. Instead of wasting costly electricity to shred paper into millions of little slivers, the "Tearer-In-Two-Er™" merely rips the paper in half just like we all do when we want to throw something away. Yes, the "Tearer-In-Two-Er™" doesn't completely foil trash thieves from piecing stuff together, but most crooks are two lazy to go to the trouble to match the two pieces. Hell, if they were hard workers, they wouldn't be criminals, right?

TUESDAY:

Top loader washers take a lot of energy. Front loading washers are more energy efficient. So it stands to reason that a bottom loader has got to be tops when it comes to saving those kilowatts. Just don't open the door in mid cycle!

WEDNESDAY:

With grocery stores denying customers the pleasure of polluting the environment with plastic bags, we'd thought we take away their paper bags as well. Of course, this leaves the shopper with only two alternatives: either bring your own bags to the grocery store or eat all your groceries on sight. Well, unless you are a total eco-nerd, you're not going to be caught dead bringing in some dirty, stained canvas bag to the grocery store. So Bon Appetit!

Which brings us to the fourth entry. Now, I knew Insult Air™ would have some thoughts on this contest. After all, they lead the world in cost cutting measures -- and this one is a real gem. As we all know, Insult Air™ has been tossing passengers out of the aircraft when the plane is overbooked. Of course, that resulted in two tragic deaths and two people covered in animal poo. (See entry dated May 30, 2008). I guess some genius in Research and Development put two and two together and discovered that, with a little tweaking, this is a great way to end all connecting flights. Take-offs and landings are costly as hell -- if you're going to L.A. from New York, there's no damn sense in stopping in Minneapolis to let all those goofball Minnesotans get off the plane. Toss them out with a parachute! They'll probably pay extra for the experience. Just tell them you'll beat them senseless if they don't return the parachute to the airport the following day. Believe me, they'll comply! The best thing about this idea is that we can now shut down all but the east and west coast airports. Going to Columbus, Ohio? Take the 7:30 from DCA to LAX and jump out after an hour. Heck, you can even call your ride on the airphone* to let him/her know you're about to bail.

*Additional charges may apply. (Actually, they WILL apply and they will be outrageous).

Bon voyage!!!!

Paper or Plastic? No thanks! I'll Eat it Here!

The eco-Nazis are going to love this one! Have you ever noticed how some grocery stores, in an effort to cut down on waste and energy costs, are no longer offering plastic bags? That's right! No more "Paper or plastic?" All you're getting is paper, and if you don't like it, tough tomatoes!

The reason for this bias against plastic is that plastic isn't exactly biodegradable. Sure, most plastic will break down in about three thousand years, but most of us won't be around then. So, what do we care? We'll never get to reap the benefits of seeing plastic disappear from our landfills, streets, oceans, forests, and lakes. That plastic bottle that's been floating in the harbor for the last 2 years will still be here until 5007. Hell, by then, we'll probably be dominated by robots.

Anyway, here's a novel idea. Since paper contributes to the destruction of the rain forest, and it costs lots of energy to make and destroy -- why not ban paper as well? But what will I...what will I....(I know what you're going to say)...what will I use to carry home my groceries? Well, I anticipated that question. One solution is to bring your own bags to the grocery store.

I know what you're thinking.

I anticipated your response as well.

Take a deep breath. Now, let it out.

BRING MY OWN BAGS TO THE GROCERY STORE?!?!?! WHAT KIND OF FRIGGING ECO-NERD DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!?! I GUESS YOU'LL NEXT WANT ME TO RIDE MY 200-SPEED MOUNTAIN BIKE EVERYWHERE AND CARRY A GIANT BACK PACK AND EAT RAIN FOREST CRUNCH AND VACATION IN ALASKA AND USE THE BATHROOM IN THE WOODS?!?!?! GIVE ME A BREAK?!?!

I hear you, sister. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you make yourself the object of constant ridicule. People who bring their own bags to the grocery store are beyond crunchy. Most of them are damn angry, like ex-smokers and alcoholics. "Oh, I see you're destroying the environment. Well, I have my trusty canvas bag which I bring with me everywhere. I'm superior to you, earth killer."

Yes, we can't be bringing our own bags to the grocery store. Not now. Not ever. So what's the solution Mister-I-Thought-Of-Everything?

Brace yourself.

Are you ready?

Here it is.

Don't bring your groceries home. Eat them at the store. Yes! Eat all of them. Most people are doing that anyway at Whole Foods with all those samples. If you get there on a good day (right when the store opens), you can have a feast of sliced fruits, chips and four different dips, and at least 5 different cheeses. Hang around till lunch and there's Chef's corner which serves up something delightfully hot. Another hour or so and it's wine tasting. And it's all free! So hit the samples and then top it off with a tasty purchase (if you're not too full). Devour it right on the premises and everybody's happy. People will just think you're too busy and important to take time out to eat -- which is a helluva lot cooler than lurking around carrying your own dirty grocery bags, wearing a hemp shirt, and a pair of Crocs (which, by the way, are made out of plastic).

Savings From Above: Bottom Loading Washer is Tops!

I'm sure you've noticed the trend toward front loading washers. Apparently, these are great cost savers. I'm no engineer but I suspect the savings is a byproduct of the design. The lower the opening, the more money you save. With a top loader, the clothes have to be agitated from side to side, requiring more energy. With side loaders, they are tossed up and down, creating more agitation with less power.

But why stop there? If we're going to save energy based on this theory, why not turn it up a notch? Or two? What about a bottom loader washer? Imagine how much agitation occurs when the water comes spilling down, instead of coming up from the bottom (top loader) or in from the side (side loader). The gravity of that water coming down on the clothes does the cleaning without any additional agitation. Pure genius!

The weight of the water on the clothes gets them much more cleaner with less water and less energy. Just don't open the washer during mid-cycle like the poor schlub above. Whooops

Bottom loader washers come in many shapes and sizes. Make sure you request the special ceiling mounting hardware. This will keep the washer high above you, so you'll have access to the clothes. Just remember not to open the lid until the wash is done. No peeking or you'll be drenched!

It's Earth Week! This Ripper is No Rip-Off!

In the interest of saving the environment this week, let's look at some innovative energy saving appliances. Haven't you always been curious about the appliances we use and how we might make them more energy efficient? You haven't? Well, to hell with you, earth killer!

Anyway, with the current oil crisis, there's a crucial need to make everything more energy efficient. Take cars, for instance. We are now making electric cars and hybrid cars. One can only imagine how this industry would look today had Congress or the President actually done something to encourage it. I guess they feared we would face the same economic disaster that we suffered when the oil industry was forbidden to sell leaded gas, or when the auto industry had to equip all of our cars with catalytic converters and airbags. Remember how horrible those days were?

Oh well. Let's not second guess our elected representatives. I'm sure they meant well. After all, hindsight is 20/20. If they had mandated the manufacture of hybrids or electric cars, we would be using so much less gas that the price would more certainly drop. But heck! Paying $4.50 a gallon is fun! Gives us all something to talk about, doesn't it?

Anyway, let's turn off the blame hose for now and think about those things we CAN change. Our first energy efficient device replaces that costly, fuel burning shredder. As you know, shredders are very popular now, especially with companies that have severe bookkeeping issues. The sub prime lender market created a huge demand for shredders. Hey, if I was a mortgage company, I wouldn't want people to know all the tricks I used to make a bundle and then leave the American homeowner in jeopardy. I would be buying a whole fleet of those shredders.

But shredders require a lot of energy. After all, they turn a single sheet of paper into thousands of pieces of confetti. You can just imagine having to do that work by hand -- it would take you all day to shred one piece of paper. That's why these things use up lots of energy. Most of them work on electricity but as you know, electricity isn't exactly cheap these days. That's why we need an alternative.

So, appliance No 1. is a brand new, cost efficient shredder. But don't call it a shredder. It's a "Tearer-in-Two-Er." Unlike the conventional shredder, it doesn't expend all that energy turning every piece of paper into zillions of strips of unrecognizable confetti. It simply tears the paper in two pieces. That's what you do at home anyway. You don't sit there with a pair of scissors, cutting up each sheet into teeny tiny strips, right?

Try it yourself! See how much less energy is used with the "Tearer-In-Two-Er." That's why this is such a great invention. Any questions? I didn't think so. You'll love the "Tearer-in-Two-Er!" I guarantee it. See you tomorrow!

Upskirts! The Public Has a Right to Know!

All right! You made me do it! You made it very clear that you won't read my blog unless there are some titillating images included. I guess all great bloggers go through this. We all face the pressure to offer the public what it really wants. I guess, in this case, you made it very clear what you want: Celebrity Upskirts.

Far be it for me to suggest that you simply allow yourself to be engaged in the fascinating world of Insult Airlines. Or cling to the edge of your seat while you desperately try to find out what will happen to the poor schmuck who got blasted with a Frappacino at Starbucks. And what about my "Flying is Fun" quiz? Not crabby enough for you? I don't get you people!

I give you eco-Nazis, an airline from Hell -- I even give you smart, insightful political commentary. But NOOOOOOOO! You want to see up some poor unsuspecting celebrity's dress. My words, wit, and artistic masterpieces just aren't doing it for you. You have to see PANTIES!

I mean -- c'mon-- what about Insult Airlines? Where else are you going to get such insight into the airline industry? You know I was right on target. Ok, no carrier is tossing people out of the aircraft in mid flight -- not yet at least! But don't tell me that you didn't read my entries and say, "Hey, that's not too far from the truth. In fact, the last time I took a flight, they had the audacity to...." ? See what I mean?

And yet, sadly -- tragically -- it just doesn't hold your attention. Apparently, you're more interested in seeing Courtney Love's underpants? Well, you asked for it.

Enjoy.

I even blew it up for you so you can get the full effect. That's ok. You don't have to thank me.




NEXT WEEK IS EARTH WEEK! An entire week devoted to saving our planet. Awww. What's wrong? You were expecting more celebrity crotch shots? Well, get a grip on yourself! This world is going to hell and we're going to work together to save it!!! After we accomplish that, we'll talk about a little Hollywood whale tail, or maybe even some camel toe. Ok?

Editorial: Chauncey Gardiner Makes VP Shortlist?

As this campaign winds down, we realize that, more than ever, this is the time for hope and change. Many of us really hope that change will come. And we hope that change will bring us hope. For the last eight years, we haven't seen much change. We've only seen the most devastating terrorist attack on our country in history. We've only gotten into two prolonged wars. Our economy has only completely flip-flopped, the dollar has only dropped like a rock, and the prices of everything from gasoline to bread have only soared. Ho-hum. Where's the change?

This is why we need a leader who promises change. Not spare change. That's what the middle class tax cuts were for. We need real change. We need change that we can hang our hope on on. We need change that brings us hope, and hope that brings us change.

Many people ask: what do you mean by change? That's not important right now. One thing at a time. The point is, we need change and we need it now. To quote David Bowie: "Cha-cha-cha-changes!" That's what we need! Now you got it!

Once our nominee is chosen, a running mate must be picked. I support Chauncey Gardiner. He is the only person with the experience to handle change. Every year, Chauncey has been out in the garden dealing with Spring, Summer, Fall and even Winter. Talk about change! He has to deal with change and then some.

Chauncey is also an excellent choice because he speaks in specifics, and that will be a real complement to the nominee. Chauncey says, "Yes! There will be growth in the spring!" There you go! In one short sentence, we get hope and change! As you can see, Chauncey also understands this economy. "As long as the roots are not severed," he assures us, "all is well. And all will be well in the 'garden.'" Well, Chaunce, you take care of our "garden" and we'll take care of you!

How refreshing! This is why I support change and hope. But most of all, I support a man who has experience with change and hope. Chauncey Gardiner!

Ms. M.T. Head

The Other Side

Change and hope are ok if you're really in a fix. I was in a marriage so bad that, after it was finally over, I'd date practically anyone. I figured no one could be worse than this broad. She bled me dry. And nag? That's all she did. Do this! Do that! You messed up again! You're a loser! Make more money! I want a new fur coat! I hate our house! When are we going to get a better car?

Finally I told her, SHUT UP!!!!! I couldn't take it anymore. I was ready for a change, any change. And I was hoping that something would change, and fast. As a result, I found this mail order bride and she convinced me to bring over her entire family. Once I did that, she changed the locks on my house and accused me of domestic violence. So that was a change. But not the kind I was hoping for.

Once I got divorced from the mail order bride, her brothers came over to my one room studio apartment (they got the house) and beat the living hell out of me. They blackened my eyes so bad I couldn't even go to work. I guess they accepted her side of the story without question. Since they didn't speak English, I had only limited opportunities to plead my case before they knocked every one of my teeth out.

So I got totally screwed twice. And HOW! But I can't say that I didn't get my fair share of change. You won't hear me complaining about a lack of change. Or hope. Right now, for instance, I'm hoping that these bankruptcy proceedings go well and I can at least keep my clothes. My first ex-wife already got half of everything I owned. The second ex-wife is probably going to get the other half. Her brothers will probably beat me to a pulp at least one more time before we finally part company.

So who do I want for President? I want the candidate who is going to solve all my problems. I want the candidate who is going to say, "hey, Mr. Twice-Divorced-Almost-Broke-Toothless-Loser -- you are a victim and I'm going to stick up for you and your kind. I'm going to have compassion for you and fix the mess you got yourself into."

For me, I would like a candidate that is strong on immigration. Especially strong on those mail order brides who convince you to bring over their entire family, then kick you out of the house, then accuse you of domestic violence. I would like to see something done about that. That lady tricked me into thinking she loved me. Then she screwed me over AND HOW!

As for Chauncey Gardiner. I don't know who that is. But if he can help me out of these fixes I'm in, that would be a welcome change.

Mr. Ira Gretitall

Former Flight Attendant Releases Bombshell Book; Airline's Secrets Revealed!

"The plane left promptly at 7:50 p.m. from New York to Los Angeles. Suddenly, the crew on board realized that the flight was grossly overbooked. Facing a severe shortage of seats and possible FAA sanctions, the head flight attendant had a brainstorm: 'Why not toss the extra passengers out of the airplane?''"

This is just one horrifying vignette included in the runaway bestseller: "What Happened on Flight 1313," an expose penned by former Insult Airlines flight attendant Anita Brane. In her book, Ms. Brane reveals how Insult Air ejected overbooked passengers during mid flight, covered-up an incident in which three passengers were forced to spend a cross country flight in the restroom, and jammed passengers into such close quarters that "a sardine would have suffocated.

"It's not only an honest account of Insult Air, but shows you the direction where other airlines are heading," said Brane, who attended a book signing Thursday at Boredom's Bookstore in Boondocks, Ohio.

Brane chose Boondocks to launch her new book because of its proximity to the location where four Insult Air passengers were found two weeks ago after being ejected in mid flight. Two passengers were killed in the fall but the remaining two miraculously survived when their 35,000 foot drop was broken by landing in a huge tub of cow and horse manure.

"We never intended for that to happen," said Brane. "All four of those idiots were supposed to die. Who cares about them anyway? They were flying Coach, and standby to boot! You can't get any lower than that."

Rather than condemn Insult Air for its inhumane treatment of passengers, Brane lavishes praise on the airline for ensuring that the "line between Coach and First Class" remained "crystal clear."

"When you flew First class, you got three king size beds, 20 bottles of French champagne, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds," said Brane. "When you flew Coach, you got zilch. And that's what you deserved!"

Though Brane makes no apologies for the airline's treatment of Coach passengers, she does reveal some of the techniques that she and others employed to agitate them.

"The funnest part was the boarding," she said. "The scum (Coach passengers) would line up like they thought they were next to get on the plane after First and Business Class. Yeah, right! So we would make up all these other classes, i.e. Platinum card members, V.I.P. members, Elite Flyers, and let them all board in front of them. When we finally couldn't think or any more categories, we let the peasants get on but only after we made sure all the pillows and blankets were gone."

To further agitate Coach passengers, Brane says she would often collect all the airline magazines and take them home, making sure to fill in all the crossword puzzles.

"It took all night but it was worth it. You should have seen this one guy after he grabbed 10 different magazines and every one of the puzzles was filled out. I thought he was going to blow a gasket! And I was responsible!"

Brane's booksigning on Thursday drew a huge crowd. In typical Insult Air fashion, First Class passengers were permitted immediate access to Brane via a red carpet. Coach passengers were made to wait in line for a minimum of four hours.

"When the Coach passengers handed me their copies, I didn't even sign my name. I wrote 'Screw you, idiot' in some of the books. Sometime I just wrote 'loser' when my hand got really tired."

Editorial: How About Charging Extra for Idiots?

Already, at least one airline is beginning to charge its customers an extra fee for checking their first piece of luggage. While, in theory, this may sound like a good revenue generating idea, I can tell you in two words -- it sucks. Don't the dolts who run these multi billion corporations know what will happen? I mean, are they so shielded in First Class that they never look back to see how the peasants are suffering and killing each other in Coach?

Even in the good old days when checking a bag was included in the price of a ticket, people were still carrying these humongous pieces of luggage onto the plane and trying to stuff them in the overhead bin. You've seen them. They're the ones with this giant suitcase on wheels that is attached to yet another suitcase which is supposed to be their "personal item." Yeah, right! And then there are the clowns with the gargantuan backpacks as if they are going to jump off the plane and head up into the Alps for six months. Of course, these people always fly standby and are the last to board, so when they finally get on the aircraft there's this huge disruption as everyone scrambles to find a way to help them.

In cases where a bag simply does not fit, it's always fun to stand there and watch the idiot passenger looking helpless while the flight attendants rush to figure out a solution. Everyone has to freeze in their tracks while one person holds up the entire plane. Nice!

I, for one, always jump to the head of the line to board every flight I take specifically for the purpose of nabbing some overhead bin space for my reasonably sized carry-on. Of course, as I've stated before, I must wait for all the people in First Class and Business Class to board first. Then, I have to wait for the Elite Card Holders, V.I.P. Card Holders, Platinum and Golden Frequent Flyer Card Holders, and every other bloody card holder whose card is supposed to be made out a precious metal but in truth is made out of plastic like all the others -- they all get to board before me. Finally, after all these other lucky people have boarded, and no doubt used up 99% of the overhead bin space, I then get to stand there while the gate attendant watches me chomping at the bit before she s-l-o-w-l-y picks up the microphone to announce that rows 20-32 may board. Of course, I'm seated in row 19!

Anyway, you get my point. Lots of people don't like to check their bags even if it doesn't cost anything -- even if they are the type that brings all their earthly belongings with them on every flight. You can only imagine what's going to happen when the cheapskates (me included) are confronted with the possibility of having to pay for a checked piece of luggage. You're going to see people bringing aboard huge pieces of luggage which not only will suck up all the overhead bin space but will create all kinds of havoc at the security gate. People will be arguing that the bag will fit and the security guard (who is always eating some horrible type of fast food while reading the x-rays) is going to give them a hard time but eventually let them pass because, hey, it's not his problem. Let the airlines deal with Mr-Giant-Suitcase-Guy! Damn, these chicken nuggets are good!

And I'm not even talking about safety. Suddenly, all the storage area underneath will be completely empty while the overhead bins are stuffed beyond capacity. The dogs and cats and ferrets and exotic birds will have plenty of room to roam around and we'll be top heavy with luggage crammed into every nook and cranny. So, does charging for baggage make sense. NO IT DOES NOT!

Your humble editor.

Response from other side:

I have no problem with the airlines charging for luggage. It won't affect me because I carry on ALL my luggage no matter how large it is. Sometimes I bring on a piece of luggage that won't fit in the overhead bin but the flight attendant usually helps me cram it in there. In fact, it's quite a show! People are so fascinated with watching this ritual that they line up in the aisle to watch. They seem really relieved when the luggage is finally jammed up in there. I also always carry a giant backpack. That's my "personal item." It's also very hard to fit that in the overhead bin but we manage to get it up there, usually after five or ten minutes of adjustment. Again, the other passengers just stand there behind me and watch in amazement. They are simply transfixed. Sometimes I even bring my skis. Talk about a real show! It's a doozy.

Later, some of the passengers are still shaking from all the previous excitement. Sometimes, they get so excited that they can't hold their hot coffee and accidentally spill it all over me as they walk by. Other times, they accidentally stomp on my foot on their way to the restroom or involuntarily grab my Tom Clancy book and hurl it across the plane. They're just so wound up! It's crazy!

Even though I carry lots of luggage, I am still somewhat overweight at 350 pounds. But that's not really a problem because I always fly standby and seem to get assigned to the middle seat every time. This way, my giant abdomen doesn't protrude into the aisle or rub against the plane. Instead, my body snuggles up to my fellow passengers on both sides and they usually move away to give me room.

When I fly long distances, I also like to take my shoes off and relax. It's really nice to air out your feet when you're running around airports lugging all that carry-on luggage. When you're a great big guy like me, you sweat a lot and your feet really need to breathe.

But I've gotten off the subject. To conclude, I totally favor the airlines' policy of charging to check your luggage. Heck, it won't affect me! I never check anything in the first place.

Mr. Hugh Jack Kass

[Pictured above: Mr. H.J. Kass boarding Insult Air Flight 013 from Washington to Bejing (non-stop)]