The Ten Pedestrian Commandmants

Oneth

Thou shalt yieldeth to pedestrians no mattereth whateth.

If a pedestrian is walking across the street, you must yield. It doesn't matter if the pedestrian is at a crosswalk, is disobeying the signal light, or is flagrantly jaywalking. You must yield. Period. And why not? You can't hit pedestrians and they know it. This is why they will walk out in front of traffic all the time.

Twoeth

If thou be-est a pedestrian, thou shalt walketh as sloweth as possibleth.

This is the Champs d'Elyse right? Go ahead, take your time. I'm in no hurry. That's why I'm driving a car because I don't need to get anywhere. I'm just tooling around burning gas for no reason. So, don't rush across the street. If I can't turn this time, I'm sure I'll be able to turn the next time the light turns green. Unless, of course, there are pedestrians just like you who manage to walk so slowly that they hold up traffic until the light turns red again. Oh well, I guess I'll never get where I'm going.

Threeeth

Acteth totally indignant if a driver dareth to maketh a mistake.

Pedestrians can walk out in front of traffic when they misread a light. If they see that they don't have enough time to cross before the light turns red, they may still dart out in front of traffic. But if a driver actually tries to make a turn and gets within 20 feet of a precious pedestrian --NOOOOOOO! In fact, to teach that driver a lesson, the pedestrian has a duty to kick the car as hard as he or she possibly can. That will teach you to make an error, buddy! I'm a pedestrian! You're nothing but a polluting, stinking earth killer!!!

Foureth

When at thy crosswalk, enter thy crosswalk and make all traffic stopeth. Don't waiteth until the traffic subsideth.

When a pedestrian enters a marked crosswalk, apparently, all drivers must yield. This doesn't matter if there's a light, stop sign, or whatever. It's apparently a rule. Therefore, pedestrians should milk this rule for everything it's worth and force drivers to start obeying this badly drafted law. They must jump out in the middle of the crosswalk at the most inopportune time. Do not wait for traffic to dissipate or slow down. Show those dirty smoggifying, earth killing, fossil fuel wasting, environmental serial killers that you know your rights and you intend to exercise them!

Fiveth

When witheth thy friends, walketh in front of traffic to show you are cooleth.

What better way to show the girls how brave and daring you are than to walk out in front of moving traffic -- making all the vehicles stop dead in their tracks. This display of courage will surely win you the best looking females. They won't be able to resist you since you are so cool and devil-may-care-ish. Let's just hope that someone just like you isn't behind the wheel and takes you up on your challenge. Believe me, in that case, they will be calling you Splatter-Boy and something tells me that splatter boys don't get all that many dates.

Sixeth

Remembereth this -- your needs are more importanteth than anyone else's.

Being a pedestrian has its rewards. You can get a little exercise, save money, and experience the fresh air. So you should also get even more special perks, right? Those people in their automobiles are self-indulgent, fat slobs who don't care about anyone but themselves. Who cares about them? Let them burn in hell! You need to cross that road and if they don't like it, they can burn in hell. So there! Did I mention that they can burn in hell? Oh, I did? Well, let's review. Where can they burn? In hell! Who can burn in hell? They can! Ok, I think you got it.

Seveneth

Thy pedestrian is always righteth.

Even if they walk right out in the middle of traffic. Even if they totally disobey that walk sign. Even if they jaywalk or walk through traffic that is stopped or moving. Even if they do stuff that I haven't thought of. You, the driver, are going to lose any argument you get into with a pedestrian. And why? Because pedestrians are vulnerable and could get killed. Who ever heard of a driver getting killed by a pedestrian?

Eighteth

Ifeth thy inconsiderateth driver hails from out of town, maketh funneth of him.

In those cases where a driver makes a mistake or fails to properly yield to the ignoble pedestrian, the pedestrian must make sure to yell at said driver in the most wicked tone practicable. Also, the pedestrian may notice the license and, if the driver is from out of state, instruct the driver to return to said state post haste.

Nineth

Wheneth many cars are waiting to turn, thy pedestrian must walketh as sloweth as possibleth.

Yes, this is similar to Commandant No. 2. But I'm totally running out of commandmants. Plus, walking so slowly as to prevent drivers from getting where they need to go is so much fun it deserves another mention. Remember to look them in the eye and give them a big cheshire cat grin. There, that little piece of advice deserves another commandment.

Teneth

Looketh downeth on all thy earth killer drivers.

Remember. You, the pedestrian, are superior to all other species. That's why so many ridiculous laws were passed enabling you to disrupt traffic and play by whatever rules you see fit at the time. That's why tickets for failing to yield to pedestrians outnumber jaywalking citations by about a million to one! You are the master race, O pedestrian Gods and Godesses! We are not worthy and should go back home to the suburbs and run ourselves over with our own earth killing machines --as noble sacrifices to your enlightened existence!