Well, we finally ran out of ideas to save energy. So we decided to reach out to you, the loyal reader, to see what ideas, if any, you might have. Not surprisingly, you offered us a great big goose-egg. Nada. Zilch. Nothing.
So, we sent our survey out to a nearby maximum security prison because, as you may know, inmates love to get mail! The response from the prison was overwhelming. We were amazed to find out that America's penal institutions are hotbeds of ideas and innovation. When you think about it, this makes sense. These guys are sitting around all day, doing nothing. There's no pressure to perform, no deadlines to meet. I understand how they can be so inventive.
Anyway, on to the results -- in ascending order:
4. Turn off all the streetlights at night, especially in affluent areas. This will save a ton of electricity and taxpayer dollars. Of course, the streets will be pitch black so run like hell when you get out of your car.
3. Disconnect all burglar alarm systems. Alarms are a big problem. They use lots of electricity and they tie up phone lines. False alarms are an even bigger problem. They cause police to respond unnecessarily, wasting valuable gas. Disconnect them and save a bundle!
Anyway, on to the results -- in ascending order:
4. Turn off all the streetlights at night, especially in affluent areas. This will save a ton of electricity and taxpayer dollars. Of course, the streets will be pitch black so run like hell when you get out of your car.
3. Disconnect all burglar alarm systems. Alarms are a big problem. They use lots of electricity and they tie up phone lines. False alarms are an even bigger problem. They cause police to respond unnecessarily, wasting valuable gas. Disconnect them and save a bundle!
2. Fire all police officers. With all the brutality charges, police have become more of a liability than an asset. Remember Rodney King? Plus, as investigators, they don't solve crimes, they just frame innocent people. Remember O.J.? Besides, all cops ever do is pull people over and give them tickets. Then they go and eat a ton of doughnuts. Who needs a police force? Getting rid of it will save a ton of energy, especially since those doughnut makers require a lot of juice.
1. Bring back hitchhiking. This entry really surprised us. However, almost everyone on death row suggested it -- especially those serving sentences for kidnapping, stalking and other sex crimes. Though immensely popular in the 50's and 60's, hitchhiking fell out of favor. In fact, you rarely see women hitchhiking these days and if you do, they're probably NOT looking for a ride (know what I mean?).
Needless to say, hitchhiking saves tons of gas -- especially for the hitchhiker. You get to ride for free and someone else pays. It also reduces the "carbon footprint" since you're using only one car instead of two.
Of course, hitchhiking carries some risks. There's always the chance you'll be picked up by some loudmouth who will talk your ear off the entire time. And there's always that guy with body odor. Pee yoo! But it's a small price to pay to have someone chauffeur you around for free!
Thanks guys! These were all great suggestions! I'm sure many of you will practice what you preach when you get out. Being such "can-do" men, you'll probably take the initiative and knock out street lights, police surveillance cameras, and alarm systems -- since they all require lots of energy. And I'm sure that, once you're set free, you will pick up every hitchhiker on the road. By the way, speaking of ingenuity, I couldn't help noticing that many of you have drawn up some wicked good escape plans.
Well, I hope you enjoyed Earth Week! I certainly did! Here's one final tip: Turn off your computer right now.
I said -- TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!!!! No, don't check your email one last time. Nobody has written to you in the few seconds it's taken you to read this blog. Don't go back to Facebook. It's exactly the same as when you were on two minutes ago. You don't have any new friend requests and nobody on Match.com has suddenly seen your profile and decided you're the one. Forget about it. Turn the machine off NOW!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Needless to say, hitchhiking saves tons of gas -- especially for the hitchhiker. You get to ride for free and someone else pays. It also reduces the "carbon footprint" since you're using only one car instead of two.
Of course, hitchhiking carries some risks. There's always the chance you'll be picked up by some loudmouth who will talk your ear off the entire time. And there's always that guy with body odor. Pee yoo! But it's a small price to pay to have someone chauffeur you around for free!
Thanks guys! These were all great suggestions! I'm sure many of you will practice what you preach when you get out. Being such "can-do" men, you'll probably take the initiative and knock out street lights, police surveillance cameras, and alarm systems -- since they all require lots of energy. And I'm sure that, once you're set free, you will pick up every hitchhiker on the road. By the way, speaking of ingenuity, I couldn't help noticing that many of you have drawn up some wicked good escape plans.
Well, I hope you enjoyed Earth Week! I certainly did! Here's one final tip: Turn off your computer right now.
I said -- TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!!!! No, don't check your email one last time. Nobody has written to you in the few seconds it's taken you to read this blog. Don't go back to Facebook. It's exactly the same as when you were on two minutes ago. You don't have any new friend requests and nobody on Match.com has suddenly seen your profile and decided you're the one. Forget about it. Turn the machine off NOW!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
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