Monday: I'm a bicyclist. I'm not an earth killer like all those people who drive cars. I'm superior to all of them. I'm self-righteous and indignant. And I'm proud of it.
Tuesday: Today, I learned a new move. It's called "pretending to be a car." I ride my bike in the middle of the lane so cars can't get around me. Sometimes when I go up the hill I have to pedal real slow. But I don't move out of the way. I stay in the middle of the lane. Tough crap if those cars have to wait behind me. They're a bunch of earth killers. I'm a bicyclist. I'm superior!
Wednesday: I got tired of pretending to be car. Now, I'm pretending to be a pedestrian. So I ride on the sidewalk and terrify all the pedestrians because I ride so fast. They should just move out of the way. Who cares about them anyway? They're just pedestrians and I'm a bicyclist. I'm superior!
Thursday: This morning I decided to pretend to be a car again. But then I saw a stoplight. I thought to myself, "I don't want to stop at no damn stoplights." So I stopped pretending to be a car and ran the light. You know what? The traffic in the other direction had to stop to avoid hitting me. If they had hit me, I would sue them big time. How do you think it would look in court if a poor earth saver, non-gas waster, tree-lover like myself was hit by an earth killing machine driven by a nasty, fat-slob, self indulgent polluting fat cat planet murderer? See what I mean? Case closed. I'm superior!
Friday: Today, there was a lot of traffic on the road, so pretending to be a car didn't work for me. There was also a lot of pedestrian traffic. so pretending to be a pedestrian didn't work either. Instead, I decided to dart in and out of traffic like a wild maniac. Boy, were those earth killers shocked to see me whiz by them. Of course, if they had hit me, I would sue them bigtime! And I would win. I'm superior!
Saturday: This morning, I went on this beautiful, wooded pedestrian/bike trail. Because I like to bike really fast, I yelled "ON YOUR LEFT!!!!" to everyone as I sped by. There were a lot of mothers with strollers and baby carriages. And kids on roller blades. They got really scared when I flew by them. Some of them were so startled they jumped to the left instead of the right. I had to swerve around them so I yelled "Idiot!" as I whizzed past. I don't care. They can't catch me anyway.
Sunday: The streets were pretty deserted but I still wanted to ride on the sidewalk. That's just me. I don't like to follow the trends. Besides, if I want to ride on the sidewalk, I will. Cause I'm superior!! Anyway, I came across a bunch of churchgoers and yelled "ON YOUR LEFT!!!" as I approached them. They didn't know what to do. They were a bunch of big fat religious fanatics! So I swerved around them and yelled a word that begins with "ASS" and ends with "HOLE." They were pretty shocked and surprised! Hell, I don't care. I'm superior!!! I'll probably see them tomorrow when they get in their earth killing machines and drive to work. I might even whack their cars as I ride by and tell them to go back to the suburbs where they belong. They're a bunch of earth killers and I'm an urban bicyclist. I'm superior!!!
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