URACLOD EXCLUSIVE: MCCAIN HAS BEEN STEALING YOUR HARD EARNED DOLLARS; VIDEO PROVES IT ALL!!!

Uraclod has obtained exclusive video of GOP Presidential Candidate John McCain stealing your hard earned dollars. The video was released by sources deep within the Obama campaign who have been tasked with the job of digging up every possible scandal, quasi-scandal, or thing that looks like a scandal but isn't as long as it pertains to either Senator John McCain and his running mate: the universally-hated-by-all-democrats-GOP-VP-Nominee-Alaskan-Governor-and-mother-of-five-Sarah Palin.

In the video, Senator McCain is seen stealing hard earned dollars from hard working Americans. According to officials with the Obama campaign, the video is sure to topple McCain's candidacy, and once it is seen in its entirety, McCain will surely drop out of the race and let Obama win by default.

"This is the moment we've been waiting for," said I. Gotcha, Senior Chief of the Obama Muckraking Committee. "Once people see this video, McCain will be history."

McCain campaign officials wouldn't comment on the video, stating that they first have to see it to form an opinion. Apparently, those who have seen the video were shocked beyond belief. Some have even required medical attention.

Since today is the last day of the Uraclod blog, Uraclod is posting the video for your viewing pleasure. Just click on the arrow.

If the video fails to load, Uraclod will work to fix the problem and bring it to you tomorrow.

Oops...there is no tomorrow. Oh well. Sorry.

Bye!

For Crying Out Loud, SHUT THAT KID UP!!!!!

Ok, I'm back from a two week vacation in Hawaii and I must say that all my greatest fears about airline travel came true. First of all, you may recall my tirade about United Airline's new policy of charging you to check your bags. I predicted that, as a result, all the cheapskates would start carrying on gigantic pieces of luggage and try to jam them into the overhead bins. I predicted that, as a result of all these cheapskates refusing to pay to check their luggage, that all the overhead bin space would be quickly taken up and, as a result, YOU and I would have no room to store our respective tiny carry-ons. By the time we got on the plane, there wouldn't be even a sliver of overhead space left -- thanks to all the inconsiderate, selfish cheapskates.

WELL, SAD TO SAY, I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! If you are one of those cheapskates and you are reading this please STOP BEING SUCH AN INCONSIDERATE JERK AND CHECK YOUR DAMN BAG. OTHERWISE SOMEONE IS GOING TO CLOCK YOU ONE AND GOOD!!!!!

The other issue related to flying that comes to mind is the phenomenon of the crying kid. On this particular flight (the one from Hawaii to Washington), there was a kid screaming bloody murder THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! THAT'S NINE HOURS OF SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING LIKE YOU'RE BEING TORTURED TO DEATH!!!! Now, I'm not going to blame the parents. Hell, I feel sorry for them. They can't stop a terrified kid from crying any better than the rest of us. I mean, let's give the parents a break.

WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!?! OF COURSE I BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOOKED TWO ROUND TRIP TICKETS FROM WASHINGTON TO HAWAII AND DECIDED TO BRING YOUR SCREAMING INFANT ALONG? ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!?!Haven't these people heard of THE OUTER BANKS? VIRGINIA BEACH? REHOBETH BEACH? OCEAN CITY? Any of those places ring a bell? Well, I got news for you. That crying kid wouldn't recognize a Hawaiian beach if you shoved it into his milk bottle. He doesn't need to go to Hawaii and prevent three hundred people from sleeping on a nine hour bloody red eye flight. No, he doesn't! Get in that damn car and stay the hell away from the airport!!!!! You are not welcome aboard this aircraft. And that goes double for your screaming little monster!

The other good thing about being back from vacation, and you'll find this a little strange -- I no longer have to deal with so many motion activated gizmos. Who invented these things? Do any of them ever work? How many times have you repeatedly whipped your hands under a faucet only to conclude that the damn thing was broken. Then, as soon as you go to the faucet next to you, the water starts pouring out of the one you just abandoned. But only long enough for you to return to the original faucet and realize that it stopped before you could get your hands wet. And what about the paper towel dispensers? I have never encountered one that works. I'm standing there waving my hands every which way and what like some psycho magician trying to make the damn thing disappear. I wish I COULD make it disappear! What a lousy invention! And don't even talk to me about the motion activated toilets! Please! Don't! I'm begging you!

ATTENTION!!! URACLOD IS SHUTTING DOWN. TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!!! APPARENTLY NO ONE HAS BEEN READING THIS BLOG SO IT WON'T COME AS MUCH OF A SHOCK SINCE YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED BY SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF, RIGHT!!! ANYWAY, LOYAL READER -- AND I DO MEAN "READER" NOT "READERS" -- THANKS FOR READING BUT I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP ANY LONGER. I NEED COMMITMENT. I NEED TO BE ADORED. I NEED TO FEEL LOVED. I'M JUST NOT GETTING THAT. I NEED TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FIND MYSELF.

NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT, TOMORROW'S ENTRY IS GOING TO BE A ROYAL SHOCKER!!! WE'VE GOT JOHN MCCAIN WITH HIS HAND IN THE TILL!!!

Candidates Differ on How to Help Dumbest Americans, Reckless Financial Institutions

Assisting the country's dumbest Americans and most reckless financial institutions remains a top priority in this year's campaign. However, presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain greatly differ on how to help these two entities weather the latest financial crisis.

"There are basically two groups that need help," Ima N. Debt, Senior Economist for Big Spender Magazine. "First, you have the people who took out mortgages they couldn't possibly afford. Next, you have the lending institutions that gave them the money -- notwithstanding the fact they had no collateral and in many cases, no conceivable means of making the payments."

Democrat Barack Obama has blamed the Bush administration and John McCain for permitting the country's financial institutions to "run amuck" without proper regulatory control. His opponent, John McCain, says he doesn't know who to blame. Both candidates agree, however, that it makes better political sense to portray the homeowners as the victims.

"The Bush-McCain Administration and Sarah Palin tricked these people into thinking they could own a home by taking out these ridiculous sub-prime loans," said Obama. "As a result, we have worldwide economic collapse, thanks to the Bush-McCain-Palin Administration and its secret economic string puller, Adolf Hitler.

In response, McCain speculated whether Obama was off his medication.

"Listen, my friends," he said. "Senator Obama, whom I respect for his eloquent speaking ability, doesn't have any concrete plans for getting us out of this economic mess. Instead, he's wasting his time trying to come up with clever ways to refer to my running mate as a 'pig.'"

Though both candidates have no clue how to fix the current economic crisis, both agree that the first step is to pull out the blame hose and turn it on full blast.

"John McCain is the cause of this economic disaster," accused Obama. "George Bush is also to blame but only to the extent that he put John McCain in charge of the economy during these last four years."

McCain denies the charge, saying Obama is "wacko."

"If I were in charge of the economy my friends, the first thing I would do is appoint the beautiful and sexy Sarah Palin as my chief economic advisor. She has the experience to get things done. She ran an entire town and now she runs the biggest State in the most powerful nation in the world. Not too shabby, my friends. Senator Obama was just a community organizer. What community? What did he organize?"

Obama says McCain's plan to appoint Palin to an upper level economic post would be reckless. "You can put lipstick on an economic advisor," he said. "But that economic advisor is still a pig."

Though the candidates disagree about possible solutions to the current economic woes, both agree that the homeowner facing foreclosure should be portrayed as a victim and not as someone who simply made a foolhardy decision.

"The McCain-Bush team forced the hard working homeowner into taking their loans by luring them with low interest rates. Now the McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler administration is kicking the hardworking American homeowner out of his home because he can't pay the mortgage," said Obama. "As president, I'm going to change that. I'm going to make sure that every hardworking American homeowner has a home whether or not he acts responsibly or whether he gets into debt up to his eyeballs."

McCain takes a somewhat different view.

"My friends, we've all made bad investment decisions. But in this case, we can't blame the poor, hardworking, American homeowner. At least not until this damn election is over. After I'm elected, we'll see."

Though Obama admits that George Bush was in charge during the last eight years, he has attempted to associate Bush with his rival during regular speaking engagements.

"Bush-McCain started the Iraq War and they can't finish it," said Obama. "Bush-McCain ripped off the poor, hardworking, American worker by selling him a home and then kicking him out on the street. McCain-Bush-Palin ignored your calls for help and threw your children out on the street where they were sold into prostitution. McCain-Bush-Palin executed your children and tortured them in Guantanamo Bay. McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler put cats in microwave ovens and boiled your parents in oil."

Asked to comment, McCain said he was speechless.

"I can't compete with that," he said. "I quit."

URGENT!! JOHN MCCAIN ISN'T THE ONLY ONE QUITTING. YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER IS SHUTTING DOWN THIS BLOG POST HASTE. STAY TUNED FOR ENTRIES ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY. AFTER THAT, THOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE BURDEN OF THY ENTERTAINMENT ON THOUEST PLATE. SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS HAVE TO BE.

It's Official! Republicans Are to Blame For Everything Bad; Obama Gloating Like Hell!

As the stock market sank to new lows yesterday, Democrats convened to formulate plans to blame the Republicans for everything that has gone wrong. Following a closed door session, Senate and House Democrats proposed HR 911, which formally blames Republicans for all of the nation's ills.

"This historic legislation will send a clear message that the GOP is responsible for everything that is bad, even stuff that hasn't happened yet," said Rep. Barney Frank.

"Our nation is a mess and the time has come to point some serious fingers," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "By blaming the Republicans, we may solve nothing, but at least we say, 'hey, don't look at me!"

GOP countered by stressing that Democrats have controlled both houses of Congress for two years, yet did nothing to offset the current fiscal collapse. In fact, GOP officials say, when Democrats won the majority, the stock market was near an all time high.

"So what?" said Pelosi. "George Bush was president and he said the economy was doing well. We took him at his word and he lied to us. He's a liar. Liar! Hopefully HR 911 will convince the American people that all the blame belongs on the other side of the aisle."

During a press briefing in Crawford, Texas, the first of the year, President Bush responded to his Democratic critics with utter puzzlement.

"The economy was doing well," countered Bush. "Whadya want me to say -- the stock market is going gangbusters and 'boy does that suck'? Give me a break."

Democrats say they were misled by Bush and other GOP officials.

"We innocent Democrats had no idea that the housing market would crash," said Rep. Frank. "Real estate was a good investment. Everything seemed to be doing well. Prices were rising. The Republicans tricked us on the economy, they tricked us on the Iraq War! They tricked people into taking out loans they couldn't pay back. They're a bunch of trickers!"

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama says HR 911 is just one of many "blaming" resolutions that he would support as President. Obama says, if elected, he will create a new cabinet called the Department of Blaming and Finger Pointing.

"It's important that we focus our energies on identifying a demon and pointing our finger at him," said Obama. "It's a helluva lot easier than coming up with real solutions. As president, I will appoint a Secretary of Blaming who will oversee this department which will be responsible for blaming all the problems on Republicans. In fact, the department will feature a 'Blameworthy Republican of the Month' whom we can boo and throw tomatoes at when he or she comes into the gallery."

Obama also took the opportunity to gloat over the current economic crisis.

"You see, I told them so. I didn't do anything about it but I told them so."

Obama was asked why congressional democrats also failed to act to prevent the current fiscal collapse. He pointed the finger at his rival, GOP Nominee John McCain.

"John McCain has been secretly undermining the economy in order to steal, cheat and murder. He's George Bush's Vladamir Putin. He's been taking money out of the financial markets and using it to fund the war in Iraq. Just like Reagan. They're all corrupt. I'm perfect."

Democrats admit privately that they've been hoping the economy would get to this point. Some even admit they held off on legislation that would have prevented the current collapse in order to make the situation appear as dire as possible.

"It was a strategic decision," said Rep. Pelosi. "We knew we could take back the presidency if we let the situation get really bad. Now it's terrible and we're going to win. Life is good!"

Baggy Pants Law Unconstitutional! Oh, The Humanity!

A Florida judge has deemed unconstitutional a law banning baggy pants that show off the wearer's underwear. Oh my God! Why did this story get so little airtime? Haven't we heard enough about Wall Street crashes, potential world wars, and plastic bottles that kill? Why aren't the media giving more emphasis to this piece of real news?

Apparently, some 17-year-old creep spent a night in jail after police arrested him for wearing low pants in Riviera Beach, southeast Florida. The bum was picked up pursuant to a law approved by city voters last March. Normally, the punk would have received a 150 dollars fine or community service, but he spent the night in jail due to a history of marijuana use.

The public defender accused the town of instituting a fashion police and asked that the law be declared unconstitutional. The judge agreed, but only after he did some extensive research into the subject by interpreting the intent of the founding fathers. It turns out that the early revolutionaries also wore baggy pants. This was done to intimidate the British, who often referred to folks like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson as "thugs." In fact, the original Declaration of Independence contained the phrase, "Yo, yo, yo, we ain't trying to hear that....yo's" when referring to the colonies' dissatisfaction with British rule.

Historians also speculate that the early revolutionaries donned baggy jeans because it enabled them to better hide their muskets. In fact, the first draft of the Second Amendment read: "The right to be packin', shall not be f---ed wif, yo."

Personally, I'm happy that the judge made these constitutional findings. Wearing baggy pants is a fundamental right in our society. It is one of the privileges of living in a democracy. It also sends a strong message to other countries that America stands firm in its defense of baggy pants wearers. God Bless America and God Bless Baggy Pants!

Biden Ejected from Hospital; "Nurse" Palin Demonstrates Pitfalls of Managed Care

Democratic VP nominee Senator Joe
Biden was ejected from the hospital yesterday, after officials discovered his condition was not covered under his HMO.

Biden was initially hospitalized last week after suffering severe follicle damage as a result of a brutal hair mussing from his opponent, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Several days later, Palin burst into Biden's hospital room and removed all of Biden's hair, reversing several years of hair reconstructive surgery.

Yesterday, Biden's troubles further increased when hospital officials announced that his condition was not covered under his health care plan. In a symbolic move, the hospital recruited Biden's opponent, Sarah Palin, to do the honors of kicking Biden out of his hospital bed, disconnecting his IV and unplugging his monitors.

News of Biden's ejection reverberated around both the Republican and Democratic camps, with Republicans anxious to exploit the news to illustrate the failings of universal health care.

"Joe Biden and his ilk are getting a bird's eye view of the failings of socialized medicine," said Herman Hardass, President of the National Organization of Costs that are Astronomically Rising to Eternity (NOCARE). "If the Democrats keep pushing this universal health care agenda, you can kiss all your favorite cosmetic procedures goodbye! No more hair plugs, boob jobs, penile implants -- forget about it."

Democrats, anxious to maintain their support from Hollywood celebrities, deny that universal health care will exclude their base's favorite cosmetic procedures.

"There are always exceptions," said Martin Lookinfour-Loophole, Barack Obama's Health Care Advisor. "If a doctor determines that the patient's mental health would be jeopardized without the procedure, it could be approved on mental health grounds. For instance, if a fifteen year old threatens to kill herself if she can't have her breasts enlarged, then a psychiatrist can step in and declare the procedure medically necessary."

"Poppycock." said Hardass. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. About the only procedure that would be covered under the democrat plan is having your head examined. Of course, you still have to show you voted for Obama. Ha ha!"

A spokesman for Biden said the Senator will be moving to a private hospital where his treatment will be paid for with campaign funds. Democratic fund raisers say they have a large surplus of cash, donated by the hard working American families who are just struggling to get by.

"The American people can rest assured that their hard earned dollars are going to a good cause," said Obama. "Americans don't want another cueball living in the Vice-President's house. We've had eight years of Vice Presidential baldness -- it's time for change."

Exclusive! Biden Considers Retirement; VP Candidate Wants to Spend More Time on Hair

Following last week's violent attack by Alaska Governor and GOP VP Nominee Sarah Palin, Democratic VP Nominee Joe Biden is considering retiring from politics. The veteran senator made the announcement last night from his hospital bed, where he is recovering after what doctors have diagnosed as terminal baldness.

"Good grief," said Biden. "Nothing is working out."

Biden, whose hair has been the subject of much controversy in the last 15 years, confessed to reporters that the task of trying to hold on to his youthful appearance is becoming a full time job. Approximately 10 years ago, Biden allegedly received a series of hair plugs to compensate for his rapidly receding hairline. In addition, Biden visits tanning salons on a regular basis to ensure that his head consistently resembles a Florida orange.

Last week, all of Biden's hair plugs were viciously yanked out by Alaska Governor and GOP VP Nominee Sarah Palin (aka Lucy). Gov. Palin burst into Biden's hospital room and ripped out the plugs in retaliation for Biden's running mate, Barack Obama (aka Franklin), comparing her to Pigpen.

"I'm a hockey mom," said Palin. "You want to know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick."

Today, Biden adopted a more philosophical tone, questioning why Christmas has become so commercialized and reminiscing over his one true love, the little red-haired girl.

"Politics is like trying to kick a football and the holder always moves the ball at the last second," said Biden. "It's frustrating."

Biden speculated that if he leaves politics, he'll devote more time to flying his kite and improving his Halloween costume.

"Every time I try to fly that thing, it gets eaten by that kite-eating tree. I used to think that the tree was planted by Republicans. I also used to think I was trick or treating in an all-GOP neighborhood, since all I ever got was a bag full of rocks. Rats!"