Assisting the country's dumbest Americans and most reckless financial institutions remains a top priority in this year's campaign. However, presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain greatly differ on how to help these two entities weather the latest financial crisis.
"There are basically two groups that need help," Ima N. Debt, Senior Economist for Big Spender Magazine. "First, you have the people who took out mortgages they couldn't possibly afford. Next, you have the lending institutions that gave them the money -- notwithstanding the fact they had no collateral and in many cases, no conceivable means of making the payments."
Democrat Barack Obama has blamed the Bush administration and John McCain for permitting the country's financial institutions to "run amuck" without proper regulatory control. His opponent, John McCain, says he doesn't know who to blame. Both candidates agree, however, that it makes better political sense to portray the homeowners as the victims.
"The Bush-McCain Administration and Sarah Palin tricked these people into thinking they could own a home by taking out these ridiculous sub-prime loans," said Obama. "As a result, we have worldwide economic collapse, thanks to the Bush-McCain-Palin Administration and its secret economic string puller, Adolf Hitler.
In response, McCain speculated whether Obama was off his medication.
"Listen, my friends," he said. "Senator Obama, whom I respect for his eloquent speaking ability, doesn't have any concrete plans for getting us out of this economic mess. Instead, he's wasting his time trying to come up with clever ways to refer to my running mate as a 'pig.'"
Though both candidates have no clue how to fix the current economic crisis, both agree that the first step is to pull out the blame hose and turn it on full blast.
"John McCain is the cause of this economic disaster," accused Obama. "George Bush is also to blame but only to the extent that he put John McCain in charge of the economy during these last four years."
McCain denies the charge, saying Obama is "wacko."
"If I were in charge of the economy my friends, the first thing I would do is appoint the beautiful and sexy Sarah Palin as my chief economic advisor. She has the experience to get things done. She ran an entire town and now she runs the biggest State in the most powerful nation in the world. Not too shabby, my friends. Senator Obama was just a community organizer. What community? What did he organize?"
Obama says McCain's plan to appoint Palin to an upper level economic post would be reckless. "You can put lipstick on an economic advisor," he said. "But that economic advisor is still a pig."
Though the candidates disagree about possible solutions to the current economic woes, both agree that the homeowner facing foreclosure should be portrayed as a victim and not as someone who simply made a foolhardy decision.
"The McCain-Bush team forced the hard working homeowner into taking their loans by luring them with low interest rates. Now the McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler administration is kicking the hardworking American homeowner out of his home because he can't pay the mortgage," said Obama. "As president, I'm going to change that. I'm going to make sure that every hardworking American homeowner has a home whether or not he acts responsibly or whether he gets into debt up to his eyeballs."
McCain takes a somewhat different view.
"My friends, we've all made bad investment decisions. But in this case, we can't blame the poor, hardworking, American homeowner. At least not until this damn election is over. After I'm elected, we'll see."
Though Obama admits that George Bush was in charge during the last eight years, he has attempted to associate Bush with his rival during regular speaking engagements.
"Bush-McCain started the Iraq War and they can't finish it," said Obama. "Bush-McCain ripped off the poor, hardworking, American worker by selling him a home and then kicking him out on the street. McCain-Bush-Palin ignored your calls for help and threw your children out on the street where they were sold into prostitution. McCain-Bush-Palin executed your children and tortured them in Guantanamo Bay. McCain-Bush-Palin-Hitler put cats in microwave ovens and boiled your parents in oil."
Asked to comment, McCain said he was speechless.
"I can't compete with that," he said. "I quit."
URGENT!! JOHN MCCAIN ISN'T THE ONLY ONE QUITTING. YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER IS SHUTTING DOWN THIS BLOG POST HASTE. STAY TUNED FOR ENTRIES ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY. AFTER THAT, THOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE BURDEN OF THY ENTERTAINMENT ON THOUEST PLATE. SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS HAVE TO BE.
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