Ok, I'm back from a two week vacation in Hawaii and I must say that all my greatest fears about airline travel came true. First of all, you may recall my tirade about United Airline's new policy of charging you to check your bags. I predicted that, as a result, all the cheapskates would start carrying on gigantic pieces of luggage and try to jam them into the overhead bins. I predicted that, as a result of all these cheapskates refusing to pay to check their luggage, that all the overhead bin space would be quickly taken up and, as a result, YOU and I would have no room to store our respective tiny carry-ons. By the time we got on the plane, there wouldn't be even a sliver of overhead space left -- thanks to all the inconsiderate, selfish cheapskates.
WELL, SAD TO SAY, I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! If you are one of those cheapskates and you are reading this please STOP BEING SUCH AN INCONSIDERATE JERK AND CHECK YOUR DAMN BAG. OTHERWISE SOMEONE IS GOING TO CLOCK YOU ONE AND GOOD!!!!!
The other issue related to flying that comes to mind is the phenomenon of the crying kid. On this particular flight (the one from Hawaii to Washington), there was a kid screaming bloody murder THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! THAT'S NINE HOURS OF SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING LIKE YOU'RE BEING TORTURED TO DEATH!!!! Now, I'm not going to blame the parents. Hell, I feel sorry for them. They can't stop a terrified kid from crying any better than the rest of us. I mean, let's give the parents a break.
WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!?! OF COURSE I BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOOKED TWO ROUND TRIP TICKETS FROM WASHINGTON TO HAWAII AND DECIDED TO BRING YOUR SCREAMING INFANT ALONG? ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!?!Haven't these people heard of THE OUTER BANKS? VIRGINIA BEACH? REHOBETH BEACH? OCEAN CITY? Any of those places ring a bell? Well, I got news for you. That crying kid wouldn't recognize a Hawaiian beach if you shoved it into his milk bottle. He doesn't need to go to Hawaii and prevent three hundred people from sleeping on a nine hour bloody red eye flight. No, he doesn't! Get in that damn car and stay the hell away from the airport!!!!! You are not welcome aboard this aircraft. And that goes double for your screaming little monster!
The other good thing about being back from vacation, and you'll find this a little strange -- I no longer have to deal with so many motion activated gizmos. Who invented these things? Do any of them ever work? How many times have you repeatedly whipped your hands under a faucet only to conclude that the damn thing was broken. Then, as soon as you go to the faucet next to you, the water starts pouring out of the one you just abandoned. But only long enough for you to return to the original faucet and realize that it stopped before you could get your hands wet. And what about the paper towel dispensers? I have never encountered one that works. I'm standing there waving my hands every which way and what like some psycho magician trying to make the damn thing disappear. I wish I COULD make it disappear! What a lousy invention! And don't even talk to me about the motion activated toilets! Please! Don't! I'm begging you!
ATTENTION!!! URACLOD IS SHUTTING DOWN. TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!!! APPARENTLY NO ONE HAS BEEN READING THIS BLOG SO IT WON'T COME AS MUCH OF A SHOCK SINCE YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED BY SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF, RIGHT!!! ANYWAY, LOYAL READER -- AND I DO MEAN "READER" NOT "READERS" -- THANKS FOR READING BUT I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP ANY LONGER. I NEED COMMITMENT. I NEED TO BE ADORED. I NEED TO FEEL LOVED. I'M JUST NOT GETTING THAT. I NEED TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FIND MYSELF.
NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT, TOMORROW'S ENTRY IS GOING TO BE A ROYAL SHOCKER!!! WE'VE GOT JOHN MCCAIN WITH HIS HAND IN THE TILL!!!
WELL, SAD TO SAY, I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! If you are one of those cheapskates and you are reading this please STOP BEING SUCH AN INCONSIDERATE JERK AND CHECK YOUR DAMN BAG. OTHERWISE SOMEONE IS GOING TO CLOCK YOU ONE AND GOOD!!!!!
The other issue related to flying that comes to mind is the phenomenon of the crying kid. On this particular flight (the one from Hawaii to Washington), there was a kid screaming bloody murder THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! THAT'S NINE HOURS OF SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING LIKE YOU'RE BEING TORTURED TO DEATH!!!! Now, I'm not going to blame the parents. Hell, I feel sorry for them. They can't stop a terrified kid from crying any better than the rest of us. I mean, let's give the parents a break.
WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!?! OF COURSE I BLAME THE PARENTS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOOKED TWO ROUND TRIP TICKETS FROM WASHINGTON TO HAWAII AND DECIDED TO BRING YOUR SCREAMING INFANT ALONG? ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!?!Haven't these people heard of THE OUTER BANKS? VIRGINIA BEACH? REHOBETH BEACH? OCEAN CITY? Any of those places ring a bell? Well, I got news for you. That crying kid wouldn't recognize a Hawaiian beach if you shoved it into his milk bottle. He doesn't need to go to Hawaii and prevent three hundred people from sleeping on a nine hour bloody red eye flight. No, he doesn't! Get in that damn car and stay the hell away from the airport!!!!! You are not welcome aboard this aircraft. And that goes double for your screaming little monster!
The other good thing about being back from vacation, and you'll find this a little strange -- I no longer have to deal with so many motion activated gizmos. Who invented these things? Do any of them ever work? How many times have you repeatedly whipped your hands under a faucet only to conclude that the damn thing was broken. Then, as soon as you go to the faucet next to you, the water starts pouring out of the one you just abandoned. But only long enough for you to return to the original faucet and realize that it stopped before you could get your hands wet. And what about the paper towel dispensers? I have never encountered one that works. I'm standing there waving my hands every which way and what like some psycho magician trying to make the damn thing disappear. I wish I COULD make it disappear! What a lousy invention! And don't even talk to me about the motion activated toilets! Please! Don't! I'm begging you!
ATTENTION!!! URACLOD IS SHUTTING DOWN. TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY!!! APPARENTLY NO ONE HAS BEEN READING THIS BLOG SO IT WON'T COME AS MUCH OF A SHOCK SINCE YOU CAN'T BE SHOCKED BY SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF, RIGHT!!! ANYWAY, LOYAL READER -- AND I DO MEAN "READER" NOT "READERS" -- THANKS FOR READING BUT I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP ANY LONGER. I NEED COMMITMENT. I NEED TO BE ADORED. I NEED TO FEEL LOVED. I'M JUST NOT GETTING THAT. I NEED TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND FIND MYSELF.
NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT, TOMORROW'S ENTRY IS GOING TO BE A ROYAL SHOCKER!!! WE'VE GOT JOHN MCCAIN WITH HIS HAND IN THE TILL!!!
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