IT'S A MIRACLE! EJECTED PASSENGERS SURVIVE 35,000 FT. FALL!

Boondocks, Ohio.
Local police today confirmed that two persons discovered in a giant manure storage bin this morning were among the four passengers allegedly ejected from Insult Air Flight 1313 last week. According to hospital officials, the pair miraculously survived the 35,000 foot fall from the aircraft by landing in a humongous bin of fresh animal droppings.

Last week, a photo recovered from a deceased passenger's camera phone showed three passengers being kicked out of the aircraft, allegedly because Insult Air had overbooked the flight and was unwilling to seat them in First Class. Though airlines routinely overbook flights and often "bump" passengers from flights that are full, only Insult Air has resolved to alleviate the overbooking issue by allowing passengers to board then tossing them out of the aircraft during mid flight.

[Photo recovered from deceased passenger's camera phone]

As of last night, only one of the three passengers' shown in the camera phone photo had been recovered. Last week, searchers discovered the body of 12-year-old Y. Neebaby. Police and volunteers searched for the other three victims for nearly six days and two days ago, the body of Ophelia Balzac was discovered in a densely wooded area. She was still holding her Insult Air boarding pass which read: "Fly Insult Air and Let the Insults Begin!" -- Insult Airline's motto.

After suspending their search for the remaining two passengers, police decided to send search and rescue teams into a local farmer's manure bin. But as the divers climbed up and into the bin, they immediately saw two people trapped inside, apparently struggling to stay afloat.

"They were treading water, but it wasn't exactly water," said Colonel "Pop" Korn, spokesman for the boondocks Police Department. "I don't want to say what it was."

The manure bin is owned by local farmer Will Barrow. Last week, Barrow predicted that the two victims might be in the bin. However, he never got around to searching for them.

"I got busy," said Barrow.

"He's an idiot," said Rhoda Horsey, Barrow's girlfriend.

"I had things to do," said Barrow.

"Like what?" said Horsey.

"Like, that's my personal business," said Barrow. "You don't need to know everything I do."

"I KNOW everything you do," said Horsey. "Which is nuthin. Nuthin is what you do. 24-7."

Though the names of the two passengers recovered from the manure bin have not yet been released, it's believed they are a husband and wife who had been flying standby. Apparently, the airline permitted them to board the plane but when it realized there were no seats, it tossed them out of the aircraft. Both are currently in serious but stable condition, suffering from dehydration and excessive exposure to animal feces. Once they are released from the hospital, Police plan to interview them.

"If they say anything bad about Insult Air," said company Vice-President and Spokesman Kurt Reply, "they're lying. We don't throw people out of airplanes."

Since the four passengers disappeared, Reply has denied charges that Insult Air tossed them out of the aircraft at 35,000 feet. Instead, Reply alleged that the four were attempting suicide.

"If you look at the [Insult Air] employee by the door, he's not kicking them out of the plane. He's courageously holding out his leg for them to hold on to," said Reply. "He's trying to save them. He's a true hero. They don't make them like that anymore."

Asked why the Insult Air employee is sporting an evil grin, Reply suggested that the employee may have just recalled a funny joke.

"It happens," said Reply. "You're in the middle of something serious, like trying to save four lives, and a silly joke comes into your head. So you smile. I've had it happen to me a million times. Doesn't mean I'm guilty of murder."

The ejected passenger scandal is one of many to befall Insult Air in the last few weeks. However, the airline has been doing its best to deflect attention away from its misdeeds by accusing a competitor of making kidnap and death threats against Insult Air's CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended.

According to anonymous Insult Air staffers, Nutsobad CEO Oliver Klozov, in a recent speech, compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh, whose child was kidnapped and murdered in 1932. The comment was viewed as an attempt to encourage mentally unstable individuals to kidnap and murder Ahphended's 13-year-old son.

Two days ago, Ahphended stated that Klozov's comments were "unfortunate" but that he did not believe Klozov wished him any harm.

"I'm putting this all behind me," Ahphended said. "I just hope that some crazy out there doesn't read Klozov's speech and come and kill my little boy. Personally, I don't believe Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer but then again, I don't know his full background. I'll let the flying public decide whether they want to fly on my airline, or fly with someone who might try and kidnap and murder their children. I'm staying out of this controversy."

Insult Air to Merge with Sardine Company; Airline to Triple Capacity

In what could be the first and most absurd merger of its kind, Insult Airlines announced today that it has reached a tentative merger agreement with an Italian sardine company that could conceivably triple the number of passengers the airline serves on a daily basis. The merger, between Insult Air and Italian sardine magnet Upa Yors, is predicted to triple Insult Air's Coach-Class capacity. Said one industry insider, passengers will be packed in tighter than "a Joan Rivers face lift."

Insult Air officials confirmed that the airline will be redesigning and reconfiguring all of its aircraft to hold the extra passengers. Travellers will have a choice of whether they want to be packed in Olive Oil, Mustard Sauce, or Tomato Paste.

Given rising fuel costs and competition from smaller carriers, Insult Air said it had no choice but to take radical steps to increase the number of Coach-Class fares. Last week, the airline won approval to increase its seat capacity by nearly 50%. Insult Air has also begun installing seats in the Coach-Class restroom, creating what it terms a "Toilet Class" service.

Industry analysts were not surprised by the merger but wondered whether passengers could physically survive being assigned to such close quarters.

"The cabin is going to be as tight as a too small bathing suit on a too long ride home from the beach," said Al di Pantzya, an analyst who follows both airlines and Italian sardine companies.

"People are going to be packed tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay Pride week," said another industry observer.

Insult Air has been the subject of great controversy recently. After one of its flights was suddenly grounded due to nauseating fumes in the Coach-Class cabin, reports surfaced that the airline had been solving its overbooking problems by ejecting passengers during mid flight. The airline responded with calls to increase its seating capacity by installing seats in the aisles and restrooms. However, in an effort to promote its "Toilet Class" accommodations, Insult Air released allegedly doctored photos showing delighted customers strapped into the new seats. In truth, those same passengers reported that they were forced to endure an unbelievable stench as fellow passengers repeatedly entered the restroom to take care of personal business and, in some cases, to vomit.

"Right now, Insult Air is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O," said di Pantzya. "But somehow the airline always seems to bounce back with another idea to cram more people into Coach."

Though Insult Air's Coach-Class was rated as "worse than horrible" in a recent customer survey, its First Class service continues to receive the highest marks in the business. Most First Class passengers praise the airline for providing each passenger with two King Size beds, 10 bottles of French Champagne, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds.

"It's the least we can do," said Kurt Reply, Insult Airlines Vice-President and Spokesman.

[Photo above: Prototype of Insult Air's new Sardinia 707, capacity: 20 passengers in First Class, 1000 passengers jammed into Coach, 10 stuffed in the restroom]

Newly Discovered Fake Photos Reveal Airline's Diabolical Thought Process

[Doctored photo published in Insult Airlines' monthly magazine: "Let the Insults Begin!"]

[Actual photograph taken with passenger's camera phone]

Just one week after allegations surfaced that Insult Airlines used a digitally manipulated photograph to promote its "Toilet Class" seating accommodations, a second "doctored" photo has surfaced which industry experts say is nothing short of "obscene."

The latest altered image, published in this month's edition of Insult Airlines' monthly magazine: "Let the Insults Begin," sheds even more light on the diabolical methods Insult Airlines employed to mislead its customers about its new "Toilet Class" service. The photo, which was one of several doctored by an employee in the Insult Airlines art department, depicts three passengers with smiley faces pasted on their shoulders. The photo is reportedly an attempt to convince the public that the three individuals were actually enjoying their flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam, despite the fact that their assigned seats were located in the Coach-Class restroom.

The latest photo is the second to surface since Insult Air released a similar photo showing only two passengers sporting huge smiles while seated in "Toilet Class." That photo, experts say, was also a fraud.

"Apparently, the airline had graphic artists working around the clock to defraud the public and sell tickets to this horror show," said John D. Lay, an airline industry analyst. "But this latest photo is beyond ridiculous."

The photograph scandal, which has been come to be known as "PhotoshopGate," was revealed when an Insult Air passenger released a similar photograph taken with her camera phone. Unlike the promotional photo (top), the passenger's photo (below) depicted three uncomfortable, highly distressed, passengers seated next to the Coach-Class restroom commode. As that photo was being taken, a severely airsick passenger was also apparently vomiting and making a huge mess on the restroom floor.

"We thought we were gonna die, Dude," said one passenger. "The smell was totally gnarley. I'm just glad to be in Amsterdam where we can forget about it and shmoke shom weed."

Up until recently, Insult Airlines has refused to comment on the scandal. However, late last night, company spokesman Kurt Reply announced that the airline is conducting its own investigation into charges of photoshop abuse.

"In our opinion, the camera phone photo appears to be the fraudulent one," said Reply. "As you can plainly see, the young woman is merely on her knees because she's searching for a lost diamond which she obviously stole from someone in First Class."

Though Insult Airlines normally treats its Coach-Class passengers like the worst scum on earth, it has gained a worldwide reputation for treating its First Class passengers like Kings and Queens.

"Each passenger gets a king size bed, a jewelled crown, and a thrown made of blue diamonds," said Reply. "I guess the lady in the picture stole a jewel from one of the crowns up in First Class and then lost it in the restroom. Serves her right!"

Asked to explain the passengers' obvious sick faces and the apparent pools of vomit on the restroom floor, Reply said the airline is preparing a response which it will issue shortly.

"Obviously, the lady was drinking some bizarre cocktail and spilled it when she dropped the stolen diamond. The guys faces are actually painted because, you know -- they're weirdos. Weirdos do stuff like that."

Photographic experts have also noted, with respect to the magazine photo, that the three passengers' faces appear to have been replaced with smiley faces. Reply said that allegation is "a lie."

"Ok, I admit they look alike, said Reply. "But they're probably related. They are obviously identical triplets. Next question?"

"Photoshopgate" is the latest controversy involving the controversial airline, which has vowed to cram more passengers aboard its jets than any other airline. Insult Air has tried to divert attention away from the scandal by focusing on accusations it recently made against a competitor, Nutsobad Air. Insult has alleged that Nutsobad's CEO, Oliver Klozov, made death and kidnap threats against Insult Air's CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended when he compared Ahphended to Charges Lindbergh, whose child was kidnapped and murdered in 1932. Though Ahphended stated that he did not believe that Klozov intended any harm, Ahphended again said today he considered the remarks "unfortunate" and that he understood why so many people still considered Klozov to be a kidnapper and murderer.

"It's going to take the public a long time to come around and forgive Mr. Klozov for his unfortunate remarks," said Ahphended. "I suspect the whole thing will be completely forgotten sometime after the busy holiday travel season on Labor Day weekend. The country needs time to heal."

Uproar Over Lindbergh Comment Continues

Anonymous sources today continued to express outrage over last week's comments by Nutsobad Airlines CEO Oliver Klozov, despite the fact that the target of those comments has vowed to put the matter behind him. During a speech before the Airline Satisfaction Society (ASS), Nutsobad CEO Klozov compared Insult Airlines CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh, saying that both men had a great impact on the history of air travel. Though the comments appeared to be relatively benign and actually complimentary, Insult Airline staffers, none of whom would reveal their names, expressed outrage, accusing Klozov of sending out an "invitation to kidnap and murder."

"Many of us still remember the Lindbergh kidnapping-murder and how horrible it all was for the country," said one Insult Staffer, identified as Mr. X. "To resurrect Lindbergh's name is tantamount to bringing up the kidnapping and murder and to associate that with our CEO -- that's just begging some psychopath to come forward and work his diabolical ways on our leader and his family. Klozov should be shot!"

Yesterday, Ahphended issued a statement, saying that he did not believe that Klozov wished him or his family any ill will.

"The comments were unfortunate," said Ahphended. "Very, very unfortunate. Sometimes when you are under the kind of pressure that occurs in this business, the wrong thing slips out. In this case, my colleague, Mr. Klozov, CEO of Nutsobad Airlines, our chief competitor, simply invited every mental case out there to come and murder me and my family -- and my dog. I have forgiven him for his horrible remark which I'm sure he made only because he's probably suffering from some mental illness."

Ahfended followed his remarks by releasing medical records from his personal physician, Dr. Pai Dolf. Ahphended claims the records show that, unlike, Klozov, he suffers from no mental illness and is not prone to kidnapping, torturing, or murdering little children.

"Just unfortunate," said Ahphended, for the two hundredth time. "These comments have no place in our business where mothers and fathers need to be able to trust us not to kidnap and murder their children."

Yesterday, Nutsobad's stock fell sharply, to under $.01 a share. Insult's stock rose from $2.00 to $10.00 on news that the airline had essentially taken away all of Nutsobad's customers during the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend.

"Despite the horrible remarks made by Nutsobad's CEO, which I forgive, we had a good weekend," said Ahphended. "But let's not dwell on this controversy anymore. Let's give it a rest at least until the July 4th holiday. If people are still worried about Nutsobad Airlines then, we'll issue another statement about how unfortunate the comments were and how scared people are about flying on an airline that advocates kidnapping, torture and murder."

[Above: Another artist rendering of what Klozov was allegedly insinuating during his ASS speech, i.e. kidnapping innocent children at gunpoint: Sketch courtesy Insult Air Art Department]

Insult Air Chief Alleges Competitor Issued Kidnap/Death Threat

Insult Airlines President and CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended today called for a federal investigation into remarks made last week by Nutsobad Airways President Oliver Klozov, remarks which Insult Air staffers allege were designed to incite kidnappers and murderers to kidnap, torture, and kill Ahphended's child. On Thursday, the day before the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend, Insult Air staffers publicly alleged that Klozov made death and kidnap threats towards Ahphended during a recent speech before the Airline Satisfaction Society (ASS) when he compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh.

According to a transcript of the ASS event, Klozov made the following statement:

"Mr. Ahphended certainly has made his mark in airline history with his bold and groundbreaking cost cutting measures. He's greatly increased the number of passengers seated in coach, even going so far as to seat travellers in the restroom. Though they will be remembered differently, Mr. Ahphended and Charles Lindbergh have both had a dramatic impact on air travel."

According to Insult Air staffers, who asked not to be identified, Klozov's mention of Charles Lindbergh was offensive, inappropriate, inciteful, and threatening.

"Everyone knows what happened to the Lindbergh baby," said one staffer, identified only as "Flunky," "Mr. Klozov was clearly trying to incite someone to kidnap Mr. Ahphended's child and then kill him just like they did to Lucky Lindy's kid. It's horrible and sick."

Asked to comment on the controversy, Klozov said he didn't know what all the fuss was about. "What?" he said.

Though Ahphended has not personally condemned Klozov's remarks, he has called them "unfortunate."

"Mr. Klozov's reference to me and a horrible American tragedy has no place in the airline business," said Ahphended. "I'm sure he didn't intend his remarks to cause me or my defenseless little baby any harm despite the fact that the great Charles Lindbergh's poor little child was kidnapped and brutally murdered. I'm sure it was just an unfortunate and poor choice of inciteful, threatening words. It was just very unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate. But that's just my opinion, others have taken another view and here they are."

"Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer," said one anonymous staffer.

"He should be strung up and hanged," said another.

The uproar over Klozov's remarks has apparently had a devastating effect on Nutsobad's sales over the Memorial Day weekend. Nutsobad reports that fallout over the controversy has cut sales by 90%. Some travellers say they don't trust an airline that promotes the kidnapping and murder of little children.

"Insult Air jams us two to a seat like Sardines, sticks us in the restroom, and feeds us nothing. But at least it won't kidnap and murder our poor children," said Pay Myass, a mother of three crying kids.

"That Klozov guy should be put away. What a sicko," said Lance Boyle. "I haven't heard his explanation but I don't need to. Insult Air's 20 minute infomercial and billboards on the way to the airport gave me all the information that I need to make a decision about which airline I'm gonna fly."

"What on earth are they talking about?" said Klozov.

This morning, Nutsobad Air issued a statement, attempting to calm the uproar over Klozov's remarks.

"Mr. Klozov compared Mr. Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh. He didn't say 'kidnap Mr. Aphended's child and murder him.' You people are obviously having a slow news day. What ever happened to Memorial Day traffic? That's a good story."

"Very, very, very unfortunate remarks," repeated Ahphended. "I just hope that we can put this issue behind us. The Memorial Day weekend is almost over and our planes will be bringing all these folks home. We need to concentrate on serving our loyal customers. Perhaps we can revisit this issue in a few months, let's say, right before the July 4 weekend? Emotions are running so high right now. I don't want our competitor to suffer because of what might be a misunderstanding. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding but I'm giving Klozov the benefit of the doubt. It was just very, very, very, very, unfortunate. Very unfortunate!"

[Pictured above: Artist depiction of what Klozov was referring to when he compared CEO Ahphended with Charles Lindbergh; courtesy of anonymous Insult Airlines Art Department Employee]

EXCLUSIVE: INSULT AIR CAUGHT IN PHOTOSHOP SCHEME

Just one day after promoting its new "Toilet Class" accommodations with photographs showing delighted passengers, Insult Airlines finds itself in the middle of yet another scandal. Today, officials announced that the airline is being investigated for doctoring promotional photos in order to sway the public in favor of its new policy of assigning some passengers to sit in in the Coach-Class restroom.

According to photographic experts, yesterday's depiction of two Insult Air passengers, presumably enjoying a flight in the airline's new "Toilet Class" section, was digitally altered through the use of a widely available computer graphics program.

"The public got badly photoshopped on that one," said T. Hick Glasses, a widely respected computer expert. "This really stinks."

The revelation came to light when a passenger aboard yesterday's flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam submitted a photo taken with her camera phone. That photo (top) reveals three highly distressed passengers crammed into the aircraft's Coach-Class restroom. The photo also depicts a female passenger vomiting in the restroom toilet.

"This is probably the most unethical thing I've ever seen an airline do, and I've seen plenty of unethical things," said John D. Lay, an industry analyst. According to D. Lay, Insult Air has crossed a line that few airlines had been willing to cross.

"If you look at the two photos on top of each other," said D. Lay, "you'll see that Insult Air digitally removed one of the passengers to cover up the horrible overcrowding situation. (See lower photo). Then, the airline had the audacity to erase the poor, sick lady and the disgusting mess she created. Then, as if all that wasn't enough, Insult Air pastes ridiculous smiles on the passengers' faces like they're having a good time sitting next to the commode. Give me a break!"

Though at least one "Toilet Class" passenger yesterday described the flight as "gnarley," the initial reaction to the new initiative, at worst, appeared to be mixed. However, according to D. Lay, who investigates instances of Airline fraud, Insult Air apparently bribed those passengers so they would change their stories.

"I spoke with all three of those guys and they said it was the worst flight ever," said D. Lay.

One of the passengers, identified only as "Dude," said he tempered his remarks after Insult Air offered to give him some spending money while in Amsterdam.

"Dude, we just wanted to come to Amsterdam to puff n stuff," said Dude. "But, Dude, we spent all our money in the San Fran airport on video games, Dude. Thanks to Insult Air, Dude, we bought a big bag of killer weed when we got here, Dude. Huh-huh-huh, Dude! It was killer, Dude! Dude?"

The passenger whose image was digitally removed from the Insult Air promotional photo said he was unaware of Insult Air's actions.

"I was just trying to totally hold my breath during the whole flight," said Roland Papers. "The smell was so harsh. I think I totally passed out."

The other passenger, Stone de Ghen, says he regrets not telling the truth about the flight.

"It reminded me of this Rage Against the Machine concert I once went to," said de Ghen. "I was inside the port-a-potty and these dudes flipped me upside down. I was totally covered in poo. It was gross, man! That flight totally gave me flashbacks!"

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go Insult Air; Controversial Airline Introduces New "Toilet Class" to Coach-Class Passengers

Leading the airline industry in some of the most ridiculous cost cutting and profit generating innovations ever, Insult Air today unveiled its new "Toilet Class" seating option. Pending approval by the FAA, Insult Air will start assigning passengers to seats in the Coach-Class restroom, where they must watch fellow passengers take care of personal business.

"It's more entertaining than the movies we offer," said Hugh Kares, Insult Air Spokesman.

If the new seating diagrams are approved, Insult Air will add 200 additional seats to each of its aircraft. The airline already won approval to remove each row of three seats and replace them with a row of five. The additional "Toilet Class" seats will add another ten seats, depending on the size of the aircraft's restroom.

The seats, known as "Pre-Positioned Omnibus Overbooking Prevention Seats" or POOPS, will be affixed around the restroom's single commode. The airline hopes this will discourage excessive use of the aircraft's facilities and promote social networking.

"Finally, we are making use of every available space in the aircraft," said Kares. "Oh, wait a minute, I forgot about the overhead bin. Ok, one thing at a time."

Yesterday, Insult Air permitted reporters to accompany passengers on one of its test flights during which it introduced the new line of POOPS. Passengers assigned to the new seats had mixed reactions.

"It's totally gnarley in there," said one passenger, identified only as "Dude." According to Dude, approximately 400 passengers used the facility during the five hour flight.

"Dude, you don't want to know what kind of stuff I saw. I'm like traumatized, Dude. Dude!"

Dude's friend was less critical of the POOPS initiative.

"I have no sense of smell so it wasn't too harsh," said Stone de Ghen. "But then we hit some fierce turbulance and dudes started bustin' in here blowing chunks. That was definitely gee-nasty!"

According to Kares, the addition of POOPS will also allow the airline to improve its First Class service.

"With more people stuffed in coach, we can let our First Class passengers spread out a little bit. Currently, we offer a queen size bed on trans-continental flights. We'd like to increase that so each passenger gets a king size bed with a complimentary bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, I almost forgot, they also get a throne made out of blue diamonds."

[Pictured above: "Dude" and Stone de Ghen chillin' POOPStyle on yesterday's flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam]

Insult Air Settles GJ Probe; Wins Approval For "Sardine Class" Coach Seating

In an surprise move, Insult Air agreed to plead guilty to three charges of improper business practices in exchange for the prosecutor's agreement to halt the six month Grand Jury probe into the airline's alleged practice of ejecting overbooked passengers during mid flight.

Though details of the agreement were not immediately available, sources close to the investigation say Insult Air's agreement also contains proposals to add additional seating to its aircraft.

"This is a win-win situation for us," said Insult Air Spokesman Hugh Kares. "The airline essentially pays a small fine and we get to double the amount of seats in Coach-Class."

As pictured above, the airline proposes to replace every section of three Coach-Class seats with a section of five seats. These new seats, industry analysts say, will have absolutely no leg room and no room for passengers' arms.

"Sardines get a better deal than the poor slobs who fly Insult Air," said Ben Dover, a market analyst who studies the airline industry. "I doubt many people will survive the flight after being packed so tight. They might have to toss some people out of the aircraft just to eliminate the stench of dead rotting flesh."

Insult Air Spokesman Hugh Cares disagrees. "We are providing a humane alternative to getting tossed out of the airplane during mid flight. What would you choose? Huh?"

As for the four victims who were allegedly ejected from the airplane due to overcrowding, Insult Air has neither accepted nor denied responsibility. Only one victim has been recovered. The others may have fallen into a deep manure pile and disappeared.

Kares says Insult Air regrets the incident and plans to help the victims' families through their grieving ordeal.

"I'm not saying we did anything wrong, but if we did, we're going to adequately compensate them," said Kares. "I think we'll give them each a $50 dollar discount certificate off any full price Insult Air fare provided they don't fly on holidays, non-holidays, or non-non-holidays. That's more than generous."

Kares also confirmed that passengers in First Class who may have witnessed the passengers' ejections will also be compensated.

"If anyone in First Class saw or heard something, or even heard something second or third hand, or knows someone who heard or saw something second, third, or fourth hand, we're going to take care of them," said Kares. "We're proposing the standard compensation package: Free travel around the world for life, a billion dollars in gold, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds. It's the least we can do."

Asked if Insult Air planned to cease its mid flight ejection policy, Kares would not comment.

"You're asking me to speculate," said Kares. "These are changing times for the airline industry. Let's see how the additional seats work out and we'll take it from there."

EXCLUSIVE: GRAND JURY INVESTIGATES INSULT AIRLINES; Airline's "Bumping" Policy Probed

Just days after a highly publicized incident involving more than 200 sickened passengers, confidential sources revealed that Insult Air is the subject of a Grand Jury investigation into its controversial "bumping" policy. According to sources who requested anonymity, Insult Air is being investigated for allegedly ejecting passengers in midflight in an effort to ease overcrowding and avoid being cited by the FAA for failing to provide seats to all its passengers.

Traditionally, airlines overbook flights with the expectation that there will be a certain percentage of "no shows." However, when there are fewer "no shows" than predicted, passengers are often "bumped" and forced to make alternate travel plans. According to sources, Insult Air, in an effort to prevent delays caused by bumped, irate passengers who throw hizzy fits at the gate, ordered its crew to load up the plane and take off before all the ticketed passengers were seated. Once it learned that there were not enough seats for all those holding tickets, the airline allegedly "bumped" the extra passengers by ejecting them from the plane in midflight.

"If these charges are true, Insult Air is going to have hell to pay," said Hansen Pockets, a personal injury attorney who represents one of the allegedly "bumped" victims. "Passengers may not have many rights these days, but they at least don't deserve to be tossed out of an aircraft at 35,000 feet."

Sources say the charges came to light when a digital camera was recovered in a farmer's field in Boondocks, Ohio. Though the camera was badly damaged, it contained a photograph (reproduced above) that was reportedly taken by a "bumped" passenger after he was ejected from the aircraft. The passenger's body was discovered several hundred yards away in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

"When we found the camera, I didn't think nothin' of it," said farmer Will Barrow. "Then, there was that there report of a skydiver who forgot his dang chute and landing in the Piggly Wiggly. I still didn't think nothin' of it."

Barrow said his girlfriend actually made the connection and decided to turn the camera over to police.

"We be law abiding people in these here parts, and when law abiding folks find something that ain't yours, you give it back," said Rhoda Horsey.

According to sources, the photo shows three passengers being ejected from the plane. However, none of the three has been located. Mr. Barrow speculated that they may have fallen into a giant manure storage unit located on the southwestern part of his property.

"The dung in there is nigh near 12 feet deep. A fella can ease-ly get lost in all that poo. I reckon I oughta look fer 'em," Barrow said. "Come to think of it, I also remember seeing a great big ole turkey buzzard cartin' off something pretty dang big the other day past, maybe that was one of 'em."

[Pictured above: Three terrified, unidentified passengers being ejected from an Insult Air jet at 35,000]

UPDATE: INSULT AIR SICK TOLL RISES; COMPANY ISSUES STATEMENT

Hospital officials estimate that as many as 200 Insult Air passengers are being treated for symptoms traced to sickening fumes which were released when a passenger on board Insult Air Flight 1069 unwrapped a "meat-pie thing" and began to devour it. Initially, airline officials released figures that showed fewer than 200 were affected by the noxious gases. However, as the day lingered on, the sick toll began to rise.

According to the airline, the incident occurred when a passenger in row eight unwrapped and began to woof down a huge "meat-pie thing." The still unidentified food product was reportedly oozing yellow and red liquids and produced a stench so pungent that several passengers immediately became nauseous and began to vomit. Insult Air reports that, of the 350 air sickness bags on board the aircraft, as many as 300 were in use at one time.

"Everyone was heaving," said passenger U.P. "Chuck" Inallover. "I think it was like a chain reaction."

In a statement released this morning, Insult Air stated it "regretted" the incident and hinted that the airline may compensate some Coach passengers who were most severely affected.

"I don't want to get any one's hopes up," said Spokesman Kurt Reply. "But for those Coach-Class passengers who went into cardiac arrest or stopped breathing, we're considering giving them a certificate for $50 off the full fare price of their next flight. Of course, blackout dates apply, which means the certificates cannot be used for any flight between Monday and Sunday that departs between the hours of 6am and 12am. It also cannot used for any domestic or international flight that departs or arrives on either a holiday or non-holiday."

According to Reply, First Class passengers, whether they became ill or not, will be entitled to receive a compensation package that includes free trips around the world for life, one billion dollars in gold, a jewelled crown, and a throne made out of blue diamonds.

"It's the least we can do," said Reply.

In the wake of Wednesday's incident, Insult Air is also considering changing its "No-food-for-Coach" policy. Many passengers blamed Wednesday's incident on the airline's policy of not serving food in Coach-Class. As a result, some allege, passengers are now bringing in their own food items, many of which stink to high heaven.

"Prior to this event, Insult Air was not serving food to Coach passengers, only to those in First Class," said Reply. "We're considering amending that policy by serving First Class passengers even more food. If Coach passengers want food served aboard the aircraft, they always have the option of buying a First Class ticket. Nobody is stopping them."

Reply also acknowledged that, prior to this incident, Insult Air was considering a number of changes to the Coach section. The airline plans to increase the number of coach seats in each row from six to ten. It also plans to install seats in the sole Coach restroom, which is usually set aside for 200 or more passengers.

"You think they were complaining about the smell before," said Reply. "Wait until we start seating people next to the toilet. Pee-yu!"

Reply said the airline is seeking FAA approval to create a "Pre-Positioned Omnibus Overbooking Prevention Seat" or POOPS. A passenger who is assigned a POOPS is seated in the restroom and must share the space with any passengers who need to take care of personal business. Airline officials say the POOPS will ease any overcrowding issues that arise due to overbooking and the airline's insane lust for profits.

"This is a unique seat," said Reply. "We find that those who are assigned a POOPS seat tend to be more sociable as a result. You really get to know people and their personal habits when you share such intimate quarters. It's a great networking environment, too!"

Some Insult Air passengers were not so optimistic.

"I can't really picture someone sitting on the crapper next to you and then handing you his card," said Jenny Tull. "Sounds gross to me."

Reply says any Coach passengers who object to the airline's proposal to install POOPS may file a protest with the company.

"All suggestions and complaints will promptly be placed in our circular file," said Reply, referring to his wastebasket. "I'm not going to give you any BS about how much we care about our Coach-Class customers. We don't give a damn and that's out policy."

Reply said, if were up to him, he would assign passengers to sit in the toilet itself.

"Unfortunately, those things are so small, it's not possible. But a man can dream, can't he?"

[Pictured above: Outraged gawkers look in on three of the 200 passengers treated for severe nausea and other respiratory ailments]

BREAKING NEWS: AIRLINE PASSENGERS SICKENED BY UNIDENTIFIED MEAT-PIE THING!

Hundreds of passengers aboard Insult Airlines Flight 1069 last night were treated for various respiratory problems and acute nausea after a passenger began eating an unidentified meat-pie thing during mid-flight. Apparently, the fumes from the unidentified food product were so strong that some passengers began vomiting immediately, leaving the flight crew with a severe shortage of airsickness bags.

"It was bloody awful," said Jon Wilbraham, who was flying to New York on a connecting flight to London. "It was enough to put you off your food, if there was any food, which they ain't. The sound of all that retching was just deafening."

Airline officials say a man seated in row eight triggered the event when he unwrapped what witnesses described as a "meat-pie thing with red and yellow goo dripping out of it." The smell of the food item was so pungent that several passengers in the surrounding rows began making "heaving" type noises.

"Originally, I thought the dude was talking about his friends: Ralph and Earl," said one passenger, who asked to remain anonymous. "But he was up-chucking. You know: Raaaaalph....Earrrrrrrrral, get it? That's the sound you make you you barf: Raaaaaaaalph....-....Earrrrrrrrrrrrrl?"

As more and more passengers became ill, the plane was forced to land at a nearby airport. Approximately 70 passengers were treated for respiratory problems at a local hospital. Another 150 were treated for dehydration due to excessive vomiting.

Though many of the passengers lay the blame for the calamity on the individual with the meat-pie, they also point to the fact that the airline's "No free food" policy contributed to the event.

"They could at least give you a little bag of peanuts," said one passenger. "By giving you nothing, they leave themselves open to this happening again and again."

FAA chemists are still trying to identify the food product that caused the event. Some passengers speculated that it might have been some sort of meat pie containing fried eggs and tomato sauce. Others theorized that it was a strange form of hamburger, and the yellow and red goo was actually mustard and ketchup.

"The guy definitely had egg on his face," said Peter Punster, "that's no yoke."

FAA officials say that such occurrences, though not as severe as this one, are not uncommon.

"The airlines are cutting back," said FAA spokesman D. Lay. "People are forced to either starve, or bring their own food aboard."

FAA statistics show that the most common incidents occur when passengers bring anything aboard that comes from McDonald's.

"You got your Big Macs, your Egg McMuffins, your Quarter Pounder with Cheese," said Lay. "All of that stuff is highly odoriferous. The Taco places are also a problem."

Asked if the FAA might seek to ban fast food establishments that sell particularly stinky products, Lay declined comment.

"You have arguments on both sides," Lay said.

Other passengers were less hesitant to express their opinions. Peter Punster, a frequent flier, believes that passengers should be restricted to bringing aboard only fresh fruits and vegetables.

"That's my opinion, but the businesses won't go for it," said Punster. "I mean -- don't they carrot all? I'm sure if the businesses really investigated this issue, something would turnip. Lettuce come to an agreement and we'll make a great pear."

Thanks for flying Insult Air!!!

I just got back from San Francisco and what an experience that was! Let me tell you, San Francisco is the "City of Too Much Information" if you get my drift. Remember the song: "If you're going to San Francisco -- you're going to meet some gentle people there..."? Well, some of those folks are a little TOO gentle if you want my opinion. Anyway, I guess I can predict the future. No sooner had I completed and posted my artist rendering of a poor kid locked in the airplane restroom, then some kooky airline allegedly DOES THE EXACT SAME THING!!!! Can you believe that? The airline, according to published reports, stuck some poor soul in the restroom so he could turn as green as guacamole. YUK!!!

As for my four delightful flights, if you remember, I was too cheap to buy from the airline directly. Instead, I went on Travelocity and purchased the cheapest fare which meant both flights had connections. What fun! Though none of these flights was as horrible as the one suffered by the alleged "restroom prisoner," it still never ceases to amaze me how creative these airlines can be when it comes to pushing your buttons. First of all, I love the boarding order. Initially, they call for First Class, which means we all have to stand there and watch six smug people show up and pass by us through the gate. Then, the attendants wait half an hour before calling for the people who apparently got suckered into joining a club where they call you Elite or VIP or some other nonsense. After these folks finally board, the gate attendant pretends not to notice you chomping at the bit for the next 10 to 20 minutes. This gives them plenty of time to listen to every knucklehead pretending to have a special need. It also ensures that the passengers who are already on board the plane will take up every bit of overhead bin space and suck up every cubic meter of fresh air. Finally, the gate attendant slowly grabs that microphone and calls for the rest of the passengers to board. I like to refer to these chumps, myself included, as the "Peasant" or "Scum" Class. At that moment, everyone rushes the plane like it was the fall of Saigon. People are bashing into each other; mothers and fathers are fumbling with strollers and car seats. And then there are those numb skulls who insist on bringing all their belongings in one giant carry-on that WILL NEVER FIT ANYWHERE! Who are these people? The Klampitts? Did they decide not to load up the truck and head to BEV-ER-LEE because they'd rather fly on an A-ROE-PLANE? YEE-HA, ELLIE MAY! WHAT'S THAT BIG METAL BIRD IN THE SKY?

As for food, let me be the first to tell you -- you don't get so much as a peanut anymore! If you're hungry, pull out your wallet cause that's the only way you're getting fed. And let me be the first to predict that, in the future, that pitiful plastic cup of Coke or juice, now complimentary, will be the next to go.

On one of these flights, I got stuck next to the Coach restroom which emitted a delightful odor every time someone opened the door. It wasn't too bad though. I'd say that during the entire five hour flight, the door opened and slammed shut only about SIX THOUSAND TIMES! Honestly, they're only giving you a four once drink! How full can your bladder be? Having that door slam every eight seconds also ensures that you won't be sleeping. Moreover, since I was in the first Coach row behind First Class, the flight attendant kept pulling a curtain in front of my face to separate the two cabins. I don't know if you know anything about this curtain, but it actually comes across your left knee and hangs right in front of your face. It's like they're covering half of you with a mosquito net and why? So you can't see the privileged few in First Class? Believe me, nobody cares who is up there. We're just trying to survive back here.

I should also mention that, on another flight, I was seated in front of one of those seats where the guy behind you can stretch his legs and place them along the side of your right armrest. That's fine but DON'T TAKE YOU DAMN SHOES OFF. YOUR FEET STUNK THE ENTIRE TIME, BUDDY! GEEZ-US!

And then there was the guy who decided to bring a gargantuan TACO SALAD aboard and devour the entire thing in the seat right next to me. Gross! Of course, the moment he sat down, the Captain announced that they had to fix a mechanical problem so that took 40 minutes with absolutely no air flowing and no one allowed to leave the plane while we just lingered on the ground. The scents of salsa, ground beef and God knows what else putrefied the air. Pee-Yoo!

Finally, I saved the best for last. Remember what I said about the crossword puzzle in the airline magazine? Every one is always filled out. It never fails! You know what I'm talking about, right? So here's what I found. I've enlarged it below so you can see for yourself. The ultimate slap in the face -- compliments of Insult Air!

And the winner is....

First of all, let me say how overwhelmed I am by the participation in "Flying is Fun" Question No. 4. Your responses exceeded my lowest of expectations. I must admit I was a little taken aback by the tone of some of the "write-in" votes. I'm not sure what J. Gomez was thinking when he or she suggested that they throw the little bugger in one of the jet engines and grind him all up. Ouch!
If you recall, the question was as follows: You're on a long flight, you're miserable, everyone, including the airline, has been treating you like poo, and now some kid figures out he can climb up on the tray table in the seat behind you, reach over your seat, and poke you one in the eye! I merely asked: What should you do in this situation? As seen above, I suggested that you could (a) tie him up and stick him in the smelly water closet until the plane lands; (b) give him the spanking that his parents would never dare attempt to give him; (c) stuff him up in the overhead bin; and (d) toss him out of the jet at 35,000 glorious feet.

Unfortunately, this was a trick question. Had many of you read the selections carefully (and a few of you did, so Bravo! to you) you would have understood that all the selections (except for the spanking) are contrary to every moral and legal principle in this country and most other countries. In fact, I think spanking is also illegal in the U.S. and if it isn't, I sure some shyster lawyer can figure out how to sue the parents. So, sadly, none of the answers is correct. Instead, the only possible solution to this problem (not really a solution if you ask me) is to give the little creep a "Video Time-Out." Now, don't confuse this with an actual "Time-Out" where you send the kid to the corner to think about his crimes. That is just too harsh in this day and age and could lead to lowered self esteem. A "Video Time-Out" requires only that you divert the brat's attention away from making you miserable by giving him a state of the art video game console (stocked full of his favorite games) to keep him busy until you land. This will really get the message across that YOU MEAN BUSINESS!

So, contest-fans, see the correct answer at the top of the post! One good thing about "Video Time Outs" or VTOs, is that the kids don't move around much and they tend to eat a lot of unhealthy snacks while they remain glued to the TV screen. That's ok. Eventually, this little rotten apple will be so rotund he'll completely lose the ability (and energy) to climb up on that tray table, reach over your seat, and take a swipe at your left eye. So, it really works out for you in the long run!

Thanks for all your support and God bless everyone except those in First and Business Class.

Flying is Fun but Jail is NOT!

Hold on a minute! Since last week, you've been trying to decide how best to deal with that rotten little stinker who climbed up on the tray table and poked you in the eye. Do you tie him up and lock him in the ghastly, stench filled aircraft restroom? Do you give him the spanking of his life (the ONLY spanking of his life, I'll wager)? Do you stuff him up in the overhead bin? Or do you you simply kick him out of the plane and let him free fall 35,000 feet? To be honest, I don't know what sicko came up with these suggestions but if we're going to play the game, let's do so intelligently. The best way to proceed is to think about the consequences of each of these choices.
If we stick him in the restroom, he's going to be exposed to that wonderful airplane restroom smell for at least six hours. Now, I'm not talking about the rest room in Business and First Class. That place smells like heaven. I'm talking about the fetid, foul, filthy polluted water closet reserved for the 200 plus peasants who have to fly coach.

The problem here is, that smell will turn you green within minutes. And poor little junior just had a Happy Meal at the Airport McDonalds. Do we really want to find him in a pool of his own pre-digested fast food? I don't know. Sounds gross to me.
Choice No. 2 was to give him a good spanking. But experts say this can lead to lowered self esteem. And we all know what happens when a kid loses his sense of absolute superiority, don't we? He becomes a violent criminal. At least that's what the defense psychologist says whenever he or she is called to testify on behalf of some serial killer. So, is spanking a wise option? Think about it!

I don't know if you can really stuff a kid in the overhead bin but nine out of ten rageaholics would probably choose this option. It's fast. It's easy. And it really makes your point. Chances are, however, that it probably violates all those laws and rules that are printed on the back of your boarding pass. You know, that's where they also tell you that, in the event they lose your luggage (which they always do), you will only get what amounts to ten cents on every dollar your precious cargo is worth. Anyway, stuffing a kid in the overhead bin is tricky because you have to get him to agree to put in his hands and feet. AND HE WON'T! So you could get sued big time for smashed fingers and smushed toes!
Finally, I don't care how you spin it, but tossing a kid out of a plane is not going to look good in court. I don't care how good of a lawyer you get. Sure, the picture that I gave you yesterday was pretty funny, but look at this shot, taken approximately thirty seconds later. Look at the terror on this little sweetum's face! On the other hand, it sends a strong message to the other kids on the plane. I'll bet no one else dares to wake you up by trying to pull out your eyeball. Am I right or am I right?

So cast your ballots carefully, my friends. The decisions you make today could affect the way you look at things the rest of your life. The correct entry will be revealed tomorrow!!!! I promise it will be a big surprise!

Choice No. 4 -- No Child Left (Period)

Holy Mackerel! We're really going extreme with Choice No. 4. Remember our little quiz? If not, here's the question once again: You're totally minding your own business. The flight has been absolutely horrible. You finally manage to doze off for two seconds and this kid decides he has dibs on your left eyeball. What on earth are you to do? Note: I've illustrated this little vignette below so you can grab a nice visual before making your choice. So far, we've proposed the following: (1) tie him up and leave him in the restroom to enjoy that wonderful airplane restroom smell and the sound of hundreds of people angrily knocking on the door for six hours; (2) give his little rump a nice spanking so his parents can see for themselves how you spell the word discipline: W-H-A-C-K!; or (3) stuff him in the overhead bin with all the other over sized and overstuffed suitcases that the other passengers managed to sneak on the plane even though you were made to check all your bags for an extra $50. Finally, we have choice No. 4 -- The Ultimate! Why not open those bomb bay doors (or whatever they're called) and treat the little lovely to the most thrilling 7 mile trip of his life -- straight down!!! I mean, kids love amusement park rides. What could be better than the 35,000 foot vertical drop? Beats anything Kings Dominion has to offer!

So now you have your four choices. I'll admit, none of them is easy. Take your time. But then again, if you're on one of these flights, you have plenty of time since the movie is broken, the drink cart is gone, you can't get to sleep, you're uncomfortable as hell, and every single crossword puzzle in the lame airline magazine is already filled in. Phew! I can't believe I almost left that one out again!

Choice No. 3 -- No Child Left Behind (because he's locked up above)

Wow! This quiz question is really fun. Here's choice No. 3! Remember the question? You're on Flight From Hell No. 101 and everything has decided to permanently relocate on your last nerve. The flight attendant bypassed your row with the drink cart and tried to steal your blanket, and now some little monster has climbed up on the tray table and is about to perform an eye-ectomy on you! You're desperate and times of desperation call for desperate measures.
For those of you who need a visual of what you're going through, here it is. Isn't he cute! NO HE IS NOT!

So, choice No. 3 is illustrated above. In lieu of tying up the punk and sticking him in the lavatory (Choice No. 1), or giving him a spanking that will turn his bottom the color of ripe, homegrown, Hanover tomatoes (Choice No. 2), why not stuff him in the overhead bin? This way, no one's bladder habits will be disrupted by seeing the constant "door locked" sign on the restroom door. (I know, you get that anyway since the airline only allots one restroom per 200 coach passengers while folks in First Class and Business Class get their own private restroom which the rest of the scum on the plane isn't even allowed to look at.)

Anyway, should you cram the little darling up there with all the carry-on luggage? Hey, at least you know where he is! Personally, I still don't know what to pick. It's hard. So is raising children, which this kid's parents obviously didn't think about when they decided to make a baby. Good luck and I'll see you on Monday with the final choice. It's a DOOZY!

Choice No. 2 - No Child's Behind Left

So, are you enjoying this little quiz? Let's hope you're not having a bad day like the little nipper in this picture. Which, coincidentally, brings us to choice No. 2. Remember our quiz question? The scenario is illustrated below: You're on a long, tortuous flight across the country. You finally manage to doze off and forget the hell you're in. Then, this little shrimp climbs up on the seat tray, reaches over, and nearly puts an eye out! What the hell are you supposed to do?
Well, yesterday, I queried whether it might be a good idea to tie up the little rat and stick him in the water closet. Here's another idea. Give him something his parents apparently never did. Turn him over your knee and give him a good, solid whacking! Do you think that will work? Do you think it's a good idea? Think carefully! I can tell you one thing, it sure will be entertaining for the other passengers. Much better than that horrible, censored movie that you can't hear because the headphones are either broken or so cheap they never worked in the first place. Or better yet, because the airline wanted to CHARGE you for headphones. That's a good one! Ha! Well, are you going to pick choice No. 2?

Choice No. 1 - No Child Left Untied

Having read the final "Flying is Fun" question yesterday, you're probably chomping at the bit wondering what the possible answers are. Sorry if the suspense kept you up all night. To tell the truth, I didn't sleep much either, so now we're even. Anyway, you'll recall that I had posted the following question: You're trying to get some sleep on a long flight across the country when this little brat climbs over the back of your seat and pokes you in the eye. What should you do? For those of you who would like see the picture again, here it is below:

Now, keep in mind that this little varmint is merely icing on the stinking rotten cake which the airline has been feeding you ever since the moment you arrived at the airport. You asked for an exit row and they wanted to charge you for it. Then, they stuck you in a middle seat because the moment you asked for an exit row seat, they released your aisle seat in the computer system and once they finally admitted that the new seat was going to cost you a ton of money, they gently but matter-of-factly announced that your seat had already been gulped up either by another reservation agent or by some "seat stalker" out in cyberspace. Needless to say, nothing is working out for you. You even brought your own blanket and the flight attendant tried to take that away from you and give it someone in business class. When you pointed out that the blanket was, in fact, yours, she got all nasty and now she has just bypassed your row with the drink cart, claiming she'll get you "on the way back." Yup, we all know what that means!

Anyway, choice No. 1 is pretty self explanatory. Because the little brat's parents decided not to discipline their kid, they've left you with no choice but to take action. So, you grab that rope which you luckily had stored in your carry-on, tie the kid up, and stick him in the restroom. This way, he can't bother you or anyone else on the flight. What do you think? Is it a good choice? You decide. See you tomorrow!

Flying is fun: The Grand Finale!

My trip to the west coast is getting closer and to tell you the truth, I'm getting really excited about all the adventures I'm going to encounter. Not the adventures out west, silly, but the stuff that goes on inside the plane. First of all, like an idiot, I purchased a cheap flight through Travelocity which means I have to connect during both legs of the journey. So instead of taking two flights, I get to take FOUR! Jealous?!?! I bet you are! This means four opportunities to get jammed into the smallest seats known to man. Four opportunities to sit next to some fat slob who thinks it's ok to take his shoes off. Four opportunities to sit near some jackass who decided to save money on food by bringing his stinky bag of McDonald's on board. That, my friends, is my favorite!

Since we're on the subject, I might as well share with you some of my other favorite on board activities. Let me put them in ascending order of aggravation:

(10) having some guy stand in the aisle and carry on a loud conversation with the idiot sitting next to me;
(9) having some idiot in the seat IN FRONT OF ME turn around and carry on a loud conversation with the clod sitting in my row;
(8) sitting next to a passenger with an IPOD turned up so loud it sounds like a miniature rock band is having a jam session in his head;
(7) sitting next to some dolt who believes that both arm rests were built solely for his personal use;
(6) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating any kind of fast food;
(5) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating anything from McDonald's:
(4) sitting nest to or near anyone who thinks proper personal hygiene is optional;
(3) watching people try and jam over sized suitcases in the overhead bin after I just carefully placed a fragile object up there for safekeeping;
(2) finding someone in my seat who thinks they can fool me into thinking my seat is actually somewhere else (Obviously, they don't know who they are dealing with);
(1) finally falling asleep only to have the pilot get on the scratchy, ear splitting intercom to inform the passengers that they are flying over some monument or river that I couldn't care less about

Now, you may think I'm a bit crabby for writing this post. Hey, guilty as charged. But you can't deny that the airlines are going out of their way these days to make flying coach as painful as possible. I suspect they want to make you so miserable that, next time, you will shell out three times as much money to fly business class. In my opinion, they really ought to come clean about it. They can start by re-naming the classes. Instead of First, Business, Economy Plus, and Economy, they should call it (1)Superior Human Being, (2)Pretty Good Human Being, (3) Peasant, and (4) Scum. "Superior" is what you get if you are so rich you've run out of ways to waste your money. "Pretty good" is for those of us who scrimp and save just so we can look down on the other classes for one brief moment. "Peasant" is what you get when you pay a premium over the regular price ticket. Finally, "Scum" is what happens when you check the box that says, "Show me the lowest fare."

Because most people will still choose "Scum", the airlines might be well advised to make this class even more horrible than its current counterpart, Economy. Instead of serving you a complimentary beverage, for instance, they can simply spill hot coffee on your suit. They can make sure all the audio inputs in your armrest are broken. They can even clog up the one toilet which you must share with your other 200 fellow travelers. Most airlines already do this now, but they can train their flight attendants to snap at you all the time. For instance, the flight attendants can totally freak out whenever your seat has declined by one degree during takeoff and landing. They could go absolutely bonkers if your tray table is down while the plane is within 100 miles of the airport. And this goes without saying -- they MUST take every blanket and pillow up to the other classes so you freeze to death and never get a wink of sleep.

Finally, and this is an ABSOLUTE MUST, they should make sure that the crossword puzzle in every available magazine is completely filled in. I can't believe I almost left that one out!

All in all, the airlines are doing a yeoman's job of enforcing these initiatives. However, consistency is key. A sympathetic flight attendant or helpful gate attendant will ruin it for everyone. Every once in a while, for instance, I'll ask for an exit row and they'll give it to me. Though airlines are now in the habit of charging you extra bucks for this benefit,* there are still some out there who will do this service for free. Shame on them!

So, in honor of today's airline rant, here's the final installment of my little "Flying is Fun" quiz. Unlike the last times, I'm going to give you the question today, but I won't start giving you the suggested answers until tomorrow. This way I can milk this thing for all it's worth. Hell, I spend a lot of time on these drawings even if it doesn't look like it.

QUESTION NO. 4: You're desperately trying to get some shuteye on a long flight across the country. But someone forgot the word discipline when they decided to have a child. As a result, the brat climbs up the back of your seat, reaches down, and pokes you in the eye. What should you do? Choice No. 1 will be revealed tomorrow!

*By the way, don't get me started over this "charging for the exit row BS." One of these days, some guy is going to lay down $50 for an exit seat and when the plane fills up with smoke, he's going to take up a collection before agreeing to open the damn door. Mark my words!

Flying is fun: Part III

OK, so I just got off the phone with Northwest Airlines about a flight I'm taking to the west coast. After purchasing the flight (which connects both ways so it's really going to be fun) and the hotel from Travelocity in one big lump, I found out that I can't get a seat assignment for the longest part of the trip there. So I called the airline and was told that the AIRPORT was holding some of the seats so I have to wait until 24 hours before the flight to get a seat assignment and then I MIGHT get a seat. Otherwise, I can get a seat when I arrive at the airport, MAYBE. I asked the reservation person if this meant that I could be bumped from the flight once I got to the airport. She said that probably wouldn't happen but she COULDN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING. I then called Travelocity and asked this nice guy in India to sort it out. Guess what? He couldn't do ANYTHING, but he was really polite. He then asked me if there was anything else he could do for me today.

The ordeal made me think once again about how much fun it is to fly economy class these days, especially across the country. The last time I flew back from Los Angeles, the flight was supposed to arrive in D.C. at midnight, but was delayed so we finally got our bags at 5 a.m. Once we got home, it was 6 a.m, so you can imagine how much fun it was to have to be at work 4 hours later. I should also mention that the seats we were assigned were in the back of the plane and were so small and cramped that I thought I would kill the guy in front of me the minute he reclined his seat ALL THE WAY BACK. You would think he would have placed it in the upright position after feeling me kick him 2-300 times IN THE SPINE.

So, in honor of the fun of flying, here's Part III of my "Flying is fun" quiz:

Question: You're stuck on a cramped transcontinental flight and the guy in the center seat has already ordered his fourth extra dry martini. Do you...

(A) Ask him if he knows what AA stands for?
(B) Silently conspire with the other passengers to throw a blanket over his head, pull him out of his seat, open the emergency exit, and hurl him out of the aircraft at 35,000 feet?
(C) Remind the flight attendant of the airline's policy of not serving intoxicated passengers?
(D) Or passively sit there and do nothing?

Answer A is a little hostile. We don't know if the guy is a actual drunk or whether he, like many of us, is simply looking to escape the nightmare of flying coach. As for B, I could probably be talked into this one if not for the legal ramifications. C is an interesting choice but, given the airlines' obsession for nickeling and diming us to death, I seriously doubt that the flight attendant will forgo an opportunity to make a few bucks. D, my friends, is the only logical choice. Bon voyage!

FRAPPA-BOMBER VICTIM SPEAKS OUT; LAWSUITS EYED

In his first public statement since Wednesday's brutal attack, the man previously identified only as "Joe" vowed revenge against the eco-tourists who assaulted him with a Frozen-Double-Vente-Frappacino-With-Extra-Whip-a-triple-shot-of-my-baby's-love-no-foam-room-for-cream-butter-fat-no-conflict-bean-brew-in-a-free-range-cup-with-a-plastic-but-recyclable-straw-not-made-by-slave-child-labor-in-China.

"They have disfigured my face, but my resolve remains firm," said the victim, identified by police officials as 49-year-old Alberto Kupa Josephano, aka "A. Kupa Joe." Speaking in a muffled voice through thick bandages, Josephano announced, "I represent the millions of frustrated coffee drinkers who have to wait in line behind these goofballs while they spout off hundreds of syllables in a single order."

On Wednesday, Josephano was assaulted by a group of eco-tourists after he uttered a sarcastic comment about their drink orders. The alleged mastermind of the attack, identified as Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm, allegedly threw a frozen frappacino in Josephano's face, causing him to go into sugar shock. Josephano also suffered severe frostbite in the incident and the caffeine reportedly caused him to go into sudden cardiac arrest.

Doctors at St. Ignatius Hospital expect Josephano to make a full recovery, though they predict he will suffer some minor facial scarring.

"I wear this mark like a badge of honor," a defiant Josephano said from his hospital bed. "Those who see me behind them in line will recognize this ugly face and know that it's the face of impatience and intolerance. They will know that if they don't make it quick, they must endure the mother of all saracastic comments."

On April 23, police say Josephana uttered a snide rebuke at a group of eco-tourists who were loudly and methodically debating whether to order Starbucks' Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème, Tazo® Passion™ Shaken Iced Tea Lemonade, Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, or a Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar-Free Syrup. Fed up with waiting for the eco-tourists to make up their minds, Josephano allegedly called them "tree-huggers" and suggested they visit Baskin-Robbins® instead.

Asked about his remarks, Josephano declined to be specific, claiming his attorneys have instructed him not to comment. "It doesn't matter what words were used," he said. "What matters is that excessively long and meticulously picky drink orders no longer go unpunished."

Meanwhile, attorneys for Josephano are contemplating legal action in connection with the incident. Though lawyers have affirmatively promised to file personal injury suits against Fishbalm and his co-conspirators, they are also discussing the possibility of suing Starbucks.

"These are the deep pockets," said I. Vory Tower, a professor at the Cochran Institute of Legal Studies. "If you can drag Starbucks into the mix, your damages go way up."

However, most attorneys contacted for comment believe Starbucks cannot be held liable under strict liability principles.

"These guys are very proactive," said Dewey Cheatham, a partner at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. "Look at the warning label on the cup. It clearly tells customers not to engage in this specific type of behavior."

Photographic evidence released by Starbucks shows that the cup involved in the attack bore an explicit and unequivicol warning: "Caution: Do not throw in face." However, the spokesperson did not produce the actual cup for reporters at yesterday's news conference, claiming that police are still analyzing the cup for evidence.

Warning labels aside, some legal scholars say Starbucks should at least bear part responsibility for contributing to the "environment" which caused the incident.

"If Starbucks continues to tolerate these people who come in with these outrageously long drink orders," said Tower, "then it must take responsibility for the natural reactions that are going to occur. People get impatient, sarcastic comments are uttered, and tempers flare. Next thing you know, someone is face down in a pool of pumpkin-spice-no-whip-foam-leave-room-for-creme-double-espresso-apple-tini-pomegranate-swirl-cranberry-splash-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-shaken-but-stirred-frozen-coffee-beverage. It's not a pretty site and Starbucks has a duty to prevent it from happening again."




Captured images from security cameras courtesy Starbucks® Corporation. Top: Original image. Lower: Digitally enhanced detail.