I just got back from San Francisco and what an experience that was! Let me tell you, San Francisco is the "City of Too Much Information" if you get my drift. Remember the song: "If you're going to San Francisco -- you're going to meet some gentle people there..."? Well, some of those folks are a little TOO gentle if you want my opinion. Anyway, I guess I can predict the future. No sooner had I completed and posted my artist rendering of a poor kid locked in the airplane restroom, then some kooky airline allegedly DOES THE EXACT SAME THING!!!! Can you believe that? The airline, according to published reports, stuck some poor soul in the restroom so he could turn as green as guacamole. YUK!!!
As for my four delightful flights, if you remember, I was too cheap to buy from the airline directly. Instead, I went on Travelocity and purchased the cheapest fare which meant both flights had connections. What fun! Though none of these flights was as horrible as the one suffered by the alleged "restroom prisoner," it still never ceases to amaze me how creative these airlines can be when it comes to pushing your buttons. First of all, I love the boarding order. Initially, they call for First Class, which means we all have to stand there and watch six smug people show up and pass by us through the gate. Then, the attendants wait half an hour before calling for the people who apparently got suckered into joining a club where they call you Elite or VIP or some other nonsense. After these folks finally board, the gate attendant pretends not to notice you chomping at the bit for the next 10 to 20 minutes. This gives them plenty of time to listen to every knucklehead pretending to have a special need. It also ensures that the passengers who are already on board the plane will take up every bit of overhead bin space and suck up every cubic meter of fresh air. Finally, the gate attendant slowly grabs that microphone and calls for the rest of the passengers to board. I like to refer to these chumps, myself included, as the "Peasant" or "Scum" Class. At that moment, everyone rushes the plane like it was the fall of Saigon. People are bashing into each other; mothers and fathers are fumbling with strollers and car seats. And then there are those numb skulls who insist on bringing all their belongings in one giant carry-on that WILL NEVER FIT ANYWHERE! Who are these people? The Klampitts? Did they decide not to load up the truck and head to BEV-ER-LEE because they'd rather fly on an A-ROE-PLANE? YEE-HA, ELLIE MAY! WHAT'S THAT BIG METAL BIRD IN THE SKY?
As for food, let me be the first to tell you -- you don't get so much as a peanut anymore! If you're hungry, pull out your wallet cause that's the only way you're getting fed. And let me be the first to predict that, in the future, that pitiful plastic cup of Coke or juice, now complimentary, will be the next to go.
On one of these flights, I got stuck next to the Coach restroom which emitted a delightful odor every time someone opened the door. It wasn't too bad though. I'd say that during the entire five hour flight, the door opened and slammed shut only about SIX THOUSAND TIMES! Honestly, they're only giving you a four once drink! How full can your bladder be? Having that door slam every eight seconds also ensures that you won't be sleeping. Moreover, since I was in the first Coach row behind First Class, the flight attendant kept pulling a curtain in front of my face to separate the two cabins. I don't know if you know anything about this curtain, but it actually comes across your left knee and hangs right in front of your face. It's like they're covering half of you with a mosquito net and why? So you can't see the privileged few in First Class? Believe me, nobody cares who is up there. We're just trying to survive back here.
I should also mention that, on another flight, I was seated in front of one of those seats where the guy behind you can stretch his legs and place them along the side of your right armrest. That's fine but DON'T TAKE YOU DAMN SHOES OFF. YOUR FEET STUNK THE ENTIRE TIME, BUDDY! GEEZ-US!
And then there was the guy who decided to bring a gargantuan TACO SALAD aboard and devour the entire thing in the seat right next to me. Gross! Of course, the moment he sat down, the Captain announced that they had to fix a mechanical problem so that took 40 minutes with absolutely no air flowing and no one allowed to leave the plane while we just lingered on the ground. The scents of salsa, ground beef and God knows what else putrefied the air. Pee-Yoo!
Finally, I saved the best for last. Remember what I said about the crossword puzzle in the airline magazine? Every one is always filled out. It never fails! You know what I'm talking about, right? So here's what I found. I've enlarged it below so you can see for yourself. The ultimate slap in the face -- compliments of Insult Air!
As for my four delightful flights, if you remember, I was too cheap to buy from the airline directly. Instead, I went on Travelocity and purchased the cheapest fare which meant both flights had connections. What fun! Though none of these flights was as horrible as the one suffered by the alleged "restroom prisoner," it still never ceases to amaze me how creative these airlines can be when it comes to pushing your buttons. First of all, I love the boarding order. Initially, they call for First Class, which means we all have to stand there and watch six smug people show up and pass by us through the gate. Then, the attendants wait half an hour before calling for the people who apparently got suckered into joining a club where they call you Elite or VIP or some other nonsense. After these folks finally board, the gate attendant pretends not to notice you chomping at the bit for the next 10 to 20 minutes. This gives them plenty of time to listen to every knucklehead pretending to have a special need. It also ensures that the passengers who are already on board the plane will take up every bit of overhead bin space and suck up every cubic meter of fresh air. Finally, the gate attendant slowly grabs that microphone and calls for the rest of the passengers to board. I like to refer to these chumps, myself included, as the "Peasant" or "Scum" Class. At that moment, everyone rushes the plane like it was the fall of Saigon. People are bashing into each other; mothers and fathers are fumbling with strollers and car seats. And then there are those numb skulls who insist on bringing all their belongings in one giant carry-on that WILL NEVER FIT ANYWHERE! Who are these people? The Klampitts? Did they decide not to load up the truck and head to BEV-ER-LEE because they'd rather fly on an A-ROE-PLANE? YEE-HA, ELLIE MAY! WHAT'S THAT BIG METAL BIRD IN THE SKY?As for food, let me be the first to tell you -- you don't get so much as a peanut anymore! If you're hungry, pull out your wallet cause that's the only way you're getting fed. And let me be the first to predict that, in the future, that pitiful plastic cup of Coke or juice, now complimentary, will be the next to go.
On one of these flights, I got stuck next to the Coach restroom which emitted a delightful odor every time someone opened the door. It wasn't too bad though. I'd say that during the entire five hour flight, the door opened and slammed shut only about SIX THOUSAND TIMES! Honestly, they're only giving you a four once drink! How full can your bladder be? Having that door slam every eight seconds also ensures that you won't be sleeping. Moreover, since I was in the first Coach row behind First Class, the flight attendant kept pulling a curtain in front of my face to separate the two cabins. I don't know if you know anything about this curtain, but it actually comes across your left knee and hangs right in front of your face. It's like they're covering half of you with a mosquito net and why? So you can't see the privileged few in First Class? Believe me, nobody cares who is up there. We're just trying to survive back here.
I should also mention that, on another flight, I was seated in front of one of those seats where the guy behind you can stretch his legs and place them along the side of your right armrest. That's fine but DON'T TAKE YOU DAMN SHOES OFF. YOUR FEET STUNK THE ENTIRE TIME, BUDDY! GEEZ-US!
And then there was the guy who decided to bring a gargantuan TACO SALAD aboard and devour the entire thing in the seat right next to me. Gross! Of course, the moment he sat down, the Captain announced that they had to fix a mechanical problem so that took 40 minutes with absolutely no air flowing and no one allowed to leave the plane while we just lingered on the ground. The scents of salsa, ground beef and God knows what else putrefied the air. Pee-Yoo!
Finally, I saved the best for last. Remember what I said about the crossword puzzle in the airline magazine? Every one is always filled out. It never fails! You know what I'm talking about, right? So here's what I found. I've enlarged it below so you can see for yourself. The ultimate slap in the face -- compliments of Insult Air! 
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