IT'S A MIRACLE! EJECTED PASSENGERS SURVIVE 35,000 FT. FALL!

Boondocks, Ohio.
Local police today confirmed that two persons discovered in a giant manure storage bin this morning were among the four passengers allegedly ejected from Insult Air Flight 1313 last week. According to hospital officials, the pair miraculously survived the 35,000 foot fall from the aircraft by landing in a humongous bin of fresh animal droppings.

Last week, a photo recovered from a deceased passenger's camera phone showed three passengers being kicked out of the aircraft, allegedly because Insult Air had overbooked the flight and was unwilling to seat them in First Class. Though airlines routinely overbook flights and often "bump" passengers from flights that are full, only Insult Air has resolved to alleviate the overbooking issue by allowing passengers to board then tossing them out of the aircraft during mid flight.

[Photo recovered from deceased passenger's camera phone]

As of last night, only one of the three passengers' shown in the camera phone photo had been recovered. Last week, searchers discovered the body of 12-year-old Y. Neebaby. Police and volunteers searched for the other three victims for nearly six days and two days ago, the body of Ophelia Balzac was discovered in a densely wooded area. She was still holding her Insult Air boarding pass which read: "Fly Insult Air and Let the Insults Begin!" -- Insult Airline's motto.

After suspending their search for the remaining two passengers, police decided to send search and rescue teams into a local farmer's manure bin. But as the divers climbed up and into the bin, they immediately saw two people trapped inside, apparently struggling to stay afloat.

"They were treading water, but it wasn't exactly water," said Colonel "Pop" Korn, spokesman for the boondocks Police Department. "I don't want to say what it was."

The manure bin is owned by local farmer Will Barrow. Last week, Barrow predicted that the two victims might be in the bin. However, he never got around to searching for them.

"I got busy," said Barrow.

"He's an idiot," said Rhoda Horsey, Barrow's girlfriend.

"I had things to do," said Barrow.

"Like what?" said Horsey.

"Like, that's my personal business," said Barrow. "You don't need to know everything I do."

"I KNOW everything you do," said Horsey. "Which is nuthin. Nuthin is what you do. 24-7."

Though the names of the two passengers recovered from the manure bin have not yet been released, it's believed they are a husband and wife who had been flying standby. Apparently, the airline permitted them to board the plane but when it realized there were no seats, it tossed them out of the aircraft. Both are currently in serious but stable condition, suffering from dehydration and excessive exposure to animal feces. Once they are released from the hospital, Police plan to interview them.

"If they say anything bad about Insult Air," said company Vice-President and Spokesman Kurt Reply, "they're lying. We don't throw people out of airplanes."

Since the four passengers disappeared, Reply has denied charges that Insult Air tossed them out of the aircraft at 35,000 feet. Instead, Reply alleged that the four were attempting suicide.

"If you look at the [Insult Air] employee by the door, he's not kicking them out of the plane. He's courageously holding out his leg for them to hold on to," said Reply. "He's trying to save them. He's a true hero. They don't make them like that anymore."

Asked why the Insult Air employee is sporting an evil grin, Reply suggested that the employee may have just recalled a funny joke.

"It happens," said Reply. "You're in the middle of something serious, like trying to save four lives, and a silly joke comes into your head. So you smile. I've had it happen to me a million times. Doesn't mean I'm guilty of murder."

The ejected passenger scandal is one of many to befall Insult Air in the last few weeks. However, the airline has been doing its best to deflect attention away from its misdeeds by accusing a competitor of making kidnap and death threats against Insult Air's CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended.

According to anonymous Insult Air staffers, Nutsobad CEO Oliver Klozov, in a recent speech, compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh, whose child was kidnapped and murdered in 1932. The comment was viewed as an attempt to encourage mentally unstable individuals to kidnap and murder Ahphended's 13-year-old son.

Two days ago, Ahphended stated that Klozov's comments were "unfortunate" but that he did not believe Klozov wished him any harm.

"I'm putting this all behind me," Ahphended said. "I just hope that some crazy out there doesn't read Klozov's speech and come and kill my little boy. Personally, I don't believe Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer but then again, I don't know his full background. I'll let the flying public decide whether they want to fly on my airline, or fly with someone who might try and kidnap and murder their children. I'm staying out of this controversy."