Insult Air to Merge with Sardine Company; Airline to Triple Capacity

In what could be the first and most absurd merger of its kind, Insult Airlines announced today that it has reached a tentative merger agreement with an Italian sardine company that could conceivably triple the number of passengers the airline serves on a daily basis. The merger, between Insult Air and Italian sardine magnet Upa Yors, is predicted to triple Insult Air's Coach-Class capacity. Said one industry insider, passengers will be packed in tighter than "a Joan Rivers face lift."

Insult Air officials confirmed that the airline will be redesigning and reconfiguring all of its aircraft to hold the extra passengers. Travellers will have a choice of whether they want to be packed in Olive Oil, Mustard Sauce, or Tomato Paste.

Given rising fuel costs and competition from smaller carriers, Insult Air said it had no choice but to take radical steps to increase the number of Coach-Class fares. Last week, the airline won approval to increase its seat capacity by nearly 50%. Insult Air has also begun installing seats in the Coach-Class restroom, creating what it terms a "Toilet Class" service.

Industry analysts were not surprised by the merger but wondered whether passengers could physically survive being assigned to such close quarters.

"The cabin is going to be as tight as a too small bathing suit on a too long ride home from the beach," said Al di Pantzya, an analyst who follows both airlines and Italian sardine companies.

"People are going to be packed tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay Pride week," said another industry observer.

Insult Air has been the subject of great controversy recently. After one of its flights was suddenly grounded due to nauseating fumes in the Coach-Class cabin, reports surfaced that the airline had been solving its overbooking problems by ejecting passengers during mid flight. The airline responded with calls to increase its seating capacity by installing seats in the aisles and restrooms. However, in an effort to promote its "Toilet Class" accommodations, Insult Air released allegedly doctored photos showing delighted customers strapped into the new seats. In truth, those same passengers reported that they were forced to endure an unbelievable stench as fellow passengers repeatedly entered the restroom to take care of personal business and, in some cases, to vomit.

"Right now, Insult Air is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O," said di Pantzya. "But somehow the airline always seems to bounce back with another idea to cram more people into Coach."

Though Insult Air's Coach-Class was rated as "worse than horrible" in a recent customer survey, its First Class service continues to receive the highest marks in the business. Most First Class passengers praise the airline for providing each passenger with two King Size beds, 10 bottles of French Champagne, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds.

"It's the least we can do," said Kurt Reply, Insult Airlines Vice-President and Spokesman.

[Photo above: Prototype of Insult Air's new Sardinia 707, capacity: 20 passengers in First Class, 1000 passengers jammed into Coach, 10 stuffed in the restroom]