Hospital officials estimate that as many as 200 Insult Air passengers are being treated for symptoms traced to sickening fumes which were released when a passenger on board Insult Air Flight 1069 unwrapped a "meat-pie thing" and began to devour it. Initially, airline officials released figures that showed fewer than 200 were affected by the noxious gases. However, as the day lingered on, the sick toll began to rise.According to the airline, the incident occurred when a passenger in row eight unwrapped and began to woof down a huge "meat-pie thing." The still unidentified food product was reportedly oozing yellow and red liquids and produced a stench so pungent that several passengers immediately became nauseous and began to vomit. Insult Air reports that, of the 350 air sickness bags on board the aircraft, as many as 300 were in use at one time.
"Everyone was heaving," said passenger U.P. "Chuck" Inallover. "I think it was like a chain reaction."
In a statement released this morning, Insult Air stated it "regretted" the incident and hinted that the airline may compensate some Coach passengers who were most severely affected.
"I don't want to get any one's hopes up," said Spokesman Kurt Reply. "But for those Coach-Class passengers who went into cardiac arrest or stopped breathing, we're considering giving them a certificate for $50 off the full fare price of their next flight. Of course, blackout dates apply, which means the certificates cannot be used for any flight between Monday and Sunday that departs between the hours of 6am and 12am. It also cannot used for any domestic or international flight that departs or arrives on either a holiday or non-holiday."
According to Reply, First Class passengers, whether they became ill or not, will be entitled to receive a compensation package that includes free trips around the world for life, one billion dollars in gold, a jewelled crown, and a throne made out of blue diamonds.
"It's the least we can do," said Reply.
In the wake of Wednesday's incident, Insult Air is also considering changing its "No-food-for-Coach" policy. Many passengers blamed Wednesday's incident on the airline's policy of not serving food in Coach-Class. As a result, some allege, passengers are now bringing in their own food items, many of which stink to high heaven.
"Prior to this event, Insult Air was not serving food to Coach passengers, only to those in First Class," said Reply. "We're considering amending that policy by serving First Class passengers even more food. If Coach passengers want food served aboard the aircraft, they always have the option of buying a First Class ticket. Nobody is stopping them."
Reply also acknowledged that, prior to this incident, Insult Air was considering a number of changes to the Coach section. The airline plans to increase the number of coach seats in each row from six to ten. It also plans to install seats in the sole Coach restroom, which is usually set aside for 200 or more passengers.
"You think they were complaining about the smell before," said Reply. "Wait until we start seating people next to the toilet. Pee-yu!"
Reply said the airline is seeking FAA approval to create a "Pre-Positioned Omnibus Overbooking Prevention Seat" or POOPS. A passenger who is assigned a POOPS is seated in the restroom and must share the space with any passengers who need to take care of personal business. Airline officials say the POOPS will ease any overcrowding issues that arise due to overbooking and the airline's insane lust for profits.
"This is a unique seat," said Reply. "We find that those who are assigned a POOPS seat tend to be more sociable as a result. You really get to know people and their personal habits when you share such intimate quarters. It's a great networking environment, too!"
Some Insult Air passengers were not so optimistic.
"I can't really picture someone sitting on the crapper next to you and then handing you his card," said Jenny Tull. "Sounds gross to me."
Reply says any Coach passengers who object to the airline's proposal to install POOPS may file a protest with the company.
"All suggestions and complaints will promptly be placed in our circular file," said Reply, referring to his wastebasket. "I'm not going to give you any BS about how much we care about our Coach-Class customers. We don't give a damn and that's out policy."
Reply said, if were up to him, he would assign passengers to sit in the toilet itself.
"Unfortunately, those things are so small, it's not possible. But a man can dream, can't he?"
[Pictured above: Outraged gawkers look in on three of the 200 passengers treated for severe nausea and other respiratory ailments]
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