In his first public statement since Wednesday's brutal attack, the man previously identified only as "Joe" vowed revenge against the eco-tourists who assaulted him with a Frozen-Double-Vente-Frappacino-With-Extra-Whip-a-triple-shot-of-my-baby's-love-no-foam-room-for-cream-butter-fat-no-conflict-bean-brew-in-a-free-range-cup-with-a-plastic-but-recyclable-straw-not-made-by-slave-child-labor-in-China."They have disfigured my face, but my resolve remains firm," said the victim, identified by police officials as 49-year-old Alberto Kupa Josephano, aka "A. Kupa Joe." Speaking in a muffled voice through thick bandages, Josephano announced, "I represent the millions of frustrated coffee drinkers who have to wait in line behind these goofballs while they spout off hundreds of syllables in a single order."
On Wednesday, Josephano was assaulted by a group of eco-tourists after he uttered a sarcastic comment about their drink orders. The alleged mastermind of the attack, identified as Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm, allegedly threw a frozen frappacino in Josephano's face, causing him to go into sugar shock. Josephano also suffered severe frostbite in the incident and the caffeine reportedly caused him to go into sudden cardiac arrest.
Doctors at St. Ignatius Hospital expect Josephano to make a full recovery, though they predict he will suffer some minor facial scarring.
"I wear this mark like a badge of honor," a defiant Josephano said from his hospital bed. "Those who see me behind them in line will recognize this ugly face and know that it's the face of impatience and intolerance. They will know that if they don't make it quick, they must endure the mother of all saracastic comments."
On April 23, police say Josephana uttered a snide rebuke at a group of eco-tourists who were loudly and methodically debating whether to order Starbucks' Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème, Tazo® Passion™ Shaken Iced Tea Lemonade, Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, or a Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar-Free Syrup. Fed up with waiting for the eco-tourists to make up their minds, Josephano allegedly called them "tree-huggers" and suggested they visit Baskin-Robbins® instead.
Asked about his remarks, Josephano declined to be specific, claiming his attorneys have instructed him not to comment. "It doesn't matter what words were used," he said. "What matters is that excessively long and meticulously picky drink orders no longer go unpunished."
Meanwhile, attorneys for Josephano are contemplating legal action in connection with the incident. Though lawyers have affirmatively promised to file personal injury suits against Fishbalm and his co-conspirators, they are also discussing the possibility of suing Starbucks.
"These are the deep pockets," said I. Vory Tower, a professor at the Cochran Institute of Legal Studies. "If you can drag Starbucks into the mix, your damages go way up."
However, most attorneys contacted for comment believe Starbucks cannot be held liable under strict liability principles.
"These guys are very proactive," said Dewey Cheatham, a partner at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. "Look at the warning label on the cup. It clearly tells customers not to engage in this specific type of behavior."
Photographic evidence released by Starbucks shows that the cup involved in the attack bore an explicit and unequivicol warning: "Caution: Do not throw in face." However, the spokesperson did not produce the actual cup for reporters at yesterday's news conference, claiming that police are still analyzing the cup for evidence.
Warning labels aside, some legal scholars say Starbucks should at least bear part responsibility for contributing to the "environment" which caused the incident.
"If Starbucks continues to tolerate these people who come in with these outrageously long drink orders," said Tower, "then it must take responsibility for the natural reactions that are going to occur. People get impatient, sarcastic comments are uttered, and tempers flare. Next thing you know, someone is face down in a pool of pumpkin-spice-no-whip-foam-leave-room-for-creme-double-espresso-apple-tini-pomegranate-swirl-cranberry-splash-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-shaken-but-stirred-frozen-coffee-beverage. It's not a pretty site and Starbucks has a duty to prevent it from happening again."
Captured images from security cameras courtesy Starbucks® Corporation. Top: Original image. Lower: Digitally enhanced detail.
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