The man alleged to have masterminded Wednesday's attack on a sarcastic Starbucks customer was arrested yesterday, bringing to six the number of eco-tourists taken into custody as a result of the near fatal assault. Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm was arrested after a three hour standoff with police in the Southeastern part of the city, where he was spotted earlier in the day at a nearby Starbucks ordering an unidentified frozen, nonfat, soy milk, extra room for cream and butter fat, candy sprinkles on top, but no whip Starbucks beverage. According to police, an alert customer spotted the suspect after seeing web casts of security camera video broadcast on a popular website.
"The citizen was surfing the Internet on his laptop, enjoying a 'decaf-no whip-leave-room-for cream-Cafe-Americano' when he came across the video on YouTube," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "He apparently recognized the gentleman's bad dye job and sent us an email while the guy was still ordering his drink. Fortunately, it was a long order which, under normal circumstances, would have given us plenty of time to get there."
Police officials report they arrived at the Starbucks within 40 minutes. Officials attribute the delay to an overturned donut truck which they encountered en route.
"Officers were concerned that the cargo might have been in jeopardy so we issued an All Points Bulletin. They also thought that the driver might be injured. Unfortunately, in situations like these, we have to prioritize."
Police say most of the donuts were rescued. However, as of midnight last night, approximately 16 dozen were still unaccounted for. The truck driver was admitted to the hospital with superficial injuries. Approximately nine officers were treated at the scene for indigestion and hypoglycemia.
Officials say the accident prevented officers from reaching the Starbucks before the alleged Frappa-bomber could escape. However, the alert citizen who originally called police followed Fishbalm to a nearby park.
"He was drinking some type of giant frozen mocha drink. I figured he couldn't get far after consuming that many calories," said Seymour Hynie. "After he left the Starbucks, he said goodbye to the barista and started out across the street. The first thing he did was hassle this old man about using plastic shopping bags. The old guy must have been eighty years old and didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Then I saw him go into the PETA Headquarters."
Police cordoned off the area but the suspect held them at bay for approximately three hours. During the ordeal, Fishbalm made numerous and somewhat outrageous demands.
"First he wanted a vegetarian pizza," said Officer Tyrone Shoelaces, "then he changed the order to a vegan pizza. I don't even know what a Vegan IS. My partner said it had something to do with Mr. Spock in Star Trek. I said, man, you crazy! That dude don't want no Star Trek pizza!"
According to Cpl. Chino, the suspect's demands increased and became more eccentric. "After the pizza incident, he demanded a free range chicken salad sandwich wrapped in recycled paper. So we got him a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub from Subway®. When he saw that it arrived in a non-bio-degradable plastic sack, he almost lost it. After that, he started screaming something about turning all the streets into bike paths and making it illegal to drive anything but a Prius."
Police say Fishbalm threatened officers numerous times by pointing a double barrelled shotgun in their direction. Though he claimed it was loaded with organic rainforest crunch, forensic tests showed that the ammunition was actually crushed Cheetoes.
"We were concerned that one of our officers might take a direct hit from a dried cranberry or pine nut," said Cpl. Chino. "So we decided to back off and give him room."
Eventually, officers convinced Fishbalm to surrender and he was taken into custody without further incident.
"Our negotiators agreed to put him in a cell with a .75-gallon-flush-water-conserving-toilet," said Cpl. Chino. "He also wanted all the showers in the County Detention Center installed with Niagara Conservation N2130 Low Flow Showerheads. But we told him he should take up that issue with the warden and the rest of the inmates on D-block, heh heh."
According to the official police reports, Fishbalm is 28 years old, unemployed, and lives in his parents' basement. He reportedly has never had a girlfriend. Last night, neighbors along the tree lined street where his parents reside described him as extremely annoying and quarrelsome.
Hugh Jorgan, who lives across the street from Woodrow and Hazel Fishbalm, described Fishbalm as an "eco-Nazi".
"Every time you tried to grill something in the backyard, Hermie would knock on your door and ask what you planned to do about carbon offsets. I was cooking a frickin hot dog! I told him to get the hell out of here and go get a job."
Another neighbor, who asked not to be identified, described a recent run-in with Fishbalm that occurred approximately two years ago.
"I was weeding my garden and he starts yelling at me, accusing me of murdering defenseless plants. My husband sprayed him with the garden hose so he left."
"The citizen was surfing the Internet on his laptop, enjoying a 'decaf-no whip-leave-room-for cream-Cafe-Americano' when he came across the video on YouTube," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "He apparently recognized the gentleman's bad dye job and sent us an email while the guy was still ordering his drink. Fortunately, it was a long order which, under normal circumstances, would have given us plenty of time to get there."
Police officials report they arrived at the Starbucks within 40 minutes. Officials attribute the delay to an overturned donut truck which they encountered en route.
"Officers were concerned that the cargo might have been in jeopardy so we issued an All Points Bulletin. They also thought that the driver might be injured. Unfortunately, in situations like these, we have to prioritize."
Police say most of the donuts were rescued. However, as of midnight last night, approximately 16 dozen were still unaccounted for. The truck driver was admitted to the hospital with superficial injuries. Approximately nine officers were treated at the scene for indigestion and hypoglycemia.
Officials say the accident prevented officers from reaching the Starbucks before the alleged Frappa-bomber could escape. However, the alert citizen who originally called police followed Fishbalm to a nearby park.
"He was drinking some type of giant frozen mocha drink. I figured he couldn't get far after consuming that many calories," said Seymour Hynie. "After he left the Starbucks, he said goodbye to the barista and started out across the street. The first thing he did was hassle this old man about using plastic shopping bags. The old guy must have been eighty years old and didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Then I saw him go into the PETA Headquarters."
Police cordoned off the area but the suspect held them at bay for approximately three hours. During the ordeal, Fishbalm made numerous and somewhat outrageous demands.
"First he wanted a vegetarian pizza," said Officer Tyrone Shoelaces, "then he changed the order to a vegan pizza. I don't even know what a Vegan IS. My partner said it had something to do with Mr. Spock in Star Trek. I said, man, you crazy! That dude don't want no Star Trek pizza!"
According to Cpl. Chino, the suspect's demands increased and became more eccentric. "After the pizza incident, he demanded a free range chicken salad sandwich wrapped in recycled paper. So we got him a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub from Subway®. When he saw that it arrived in a non-bio-degradable plastic sack, he almost lost it. After that, he started screaming something about turning all the streets into bike paths and making it illegal to drive anything but a Prius."
Police say Fishbalm threatened officers numerous times by pointing a double barrelled shotgun in their direction. Though he claimed it was loaded with organic rainforest crunch, forensic tests showed that the ammunition was actually crushed Cheetoes.
"We were concerned that one of our officers might take a direct hit from a dried cranberry or pine nut," said Cpl. Chino. "So we decided to back off and give him room."
Eventually, officers convinced Fishbalm to surrender and he was taken into custody without further incident.
"Our negotiators agreed to put him in a cell with a .75-gallon-flush-water-conserving-toilet," said Cpl. Chino. "He also wanted all the showers in the County Detention Center installed with Niagara Conservation N2130 Low Flow Showerheads. But we told him he should take up that issue with the warden and the rest of the inmates on D-block, heh heh."
According to the official police reports, Fishbalm is 28 years old, unemployed, and lives in his parents' basement. He reportedly has never had a girlfriend. Last night, neighbors along the tree lined street where his parents reside described him as extremely annoying and quarrelsome.
Hugh Jorgan, who lives across the street from Woodrow and Hazel Fishbalm, described Fishbalm as an "eco-Nazi".
"Every time you tried to grill something in the backyard, Hermie would knock on your door and ask what you planned to do about carbon offsets. I was cooking a frickin hot dog! I told him to get the hell out of here and go get a job."
Another neighbor, who asked not to be identified, described a recent run-in with Fishbalm that occurred approximately two years ago.
"I was weeding my garden and he starts yelling at me, accusing me of murdering defenseless plants. My husband sprayed him with the garden hose so he left."
No comments:
Post a Comment