Reaching what one official has termed a critical point, incidents of "Starbucks Rage" increased throughout the week as rival patrons exchanged nasty sarcastic barbs which, in some cases, were accompanied by cups of hot java sailing through the air. "The tension had been brewing for some time," said one loyal-double-tall-skim-latte drinker. "Both sides were just waiting for an opportunity to let off some steam and I guess this is it."
The conflict began to truly percolate last week when blogger Uraclod posted an expose on the ridiculously complicated concoctions being ordered by some patrons. Many felt the blog unfairly denigrated customers who submitted orders containing six or more specifications such as "a double tall nonfat, no foam, leave room for cream, decaf, soy latte." Though many have embraced the blogger's positions, universal acceptance has been slow in coming, leading to heated and often violent discussions.
"If a guy wants a 'double-nonfat-no-whip-no-foam-leave-room-for-cream-free-range-wood-based-paper-cup-cappuccino', that's his prerogative," said one customer who wished to remain anonymous. "Last time I checked, this is America."
Others took an opposing view. "These idiots with their 'no-foam-extra-whip-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-vanilla-syrup-make-room-for-daddy-triple-double-decaf-candy-appletini-pumpkin-spice-caramel-cream-swirls' are out of control," said one loyal grande espresso aficionado. "You get four or five of these coffee clowns in line in front of you, and you can kiss fifteen minutes goodbye. Life is too short."
Life was almost cut too short on Wednesday for one blog reader, who was spied laughing out loud at Uraclod's Tuesday column. The unsuspecting reader was apparently unaware that a busload of eco-tourists has just entered the store. After four or five of them were heard discussing the possibility of ordering various versions of the trademark "Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème," and inquiring whether the source of the coffee was "conflict beans," the reader muttered: "Hey, tree-huggers, Baskin Robbins is down the street."
"The tourists just went ballistic," said one store employee. "The poor guy was lucky he got out of there with just a cup of decaf dumped on his head."
Even more vicious attacks have been reported. In Miami, a suggestion that Starbucks consider leasing its tables to alleged "laptop hogs" sparked a near fatal brawl. After witnesssing a customer spread out his computer and papers across a table designed to accommodate four persons, a patron suggested to the customer that he consider leasing the space on a monthly basis. This apparently prompted the customer to fly into a caffeine induced rage during which he attempted to force feed the patron a double vente pumpkin spice non-fat soy latte (no foam). The incident was captured on the store's security camera. Police say they plan to file charges against the assailant as soon as they can identify the weapon.
"We're still in the investigation stage," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "Apparently, the cup read 'soy-pumpkin-spice-blueberry-syrup' which somewhat conflicts with some of the witnesses' statements. We should get a full chemical analysis in 2-3 weeks. Fortunately, we recovered a lid and stirrer so we're hoping for a match."
Reached at the St. Ignacious Burn Unit, the victim explained, "I just said to the guy, 'hey, you're here all day occupying the entire table with your laptop, you ought to pay rent.' I had no idea he would freak out."
The laptop question is simmering in stores in other states. According to a regular decaf drinker in St. Louis, store employees at one Starbucks report that, since January 2006, one particular customer stakes out a table for two every weekday from 7am to 7pm.
"You should see this guy," said the customer, "He's got his two-line phone, rolodex, spread sheets! Once, he left for lunch and asked the barista to 'hold his calls.' What nerve!"
A search of corporate records reveals that at least 85 small firms nationwide listed a Starbucks store as their primary business address in 2007. An official with the Internal Revenue Service fears that this year's tax returns will show a record number of deductions for greatest hits CDs and slices of lemon poppyseed pound cake.
"These are usually one-person businesses," the IRS official said. "Most of them are in the technology sector. The problem is, many don't understand that a 'reduced fat blueberry coffee cake' or 'double chunk chocolate chip cookie' is not a legitimate business expense."
The IRS official confirmed, however, that if Starbucks did take the radical step of leasing out tables, those expenses might be fully deductible.
One blogger wrote, "Starbucks is missing a great opportunity. By leasing tables, it could use the extra revenue to offset its outrageous prices."
Reached for comment, a Starbucks spokesperson denied that the corporation has discussed plans to start leasing tables, even if it means losing opportunities for corporate sponsorship. "We hope that all of our Starbucks® clients will cooperate with each other in sharing the environment we've created for the enjoyment of their favorite Starbucks beverages," the spokesperson said. "Whether it be a 'triple-vente-nonfat-soy-no-foam-double-whip-mocha-latte®' or a 'frozen-strawberrycino®-appletini-foam-delight®-caramel-swirl-double-chocolaty-chip®-cookie-dough-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino®', we just want all of our clients to get the most out of their Starbucks® beverage experience."
The conflict began to truly percolate last week when blogger Uraclod posted an expose on the ridiculously complicated concoctions being ordered by some patrons. Many felt the blog unfairly denigrated customers who submitted orders containing six or more specifications such as "a double tall nonfat, no foam, leave room for cream, decaf, soy latte." Though many have embraced the blogger's positions, universal acceptance has been slow in coming, leading to heated and often violent discussions.
"If a guy wants a 'double-nonfat-no-whip-no-foam-leave-room-for-cream-free-range-wood-based-paper-cup-cappuccino', that's his prerogative," said one customer who wished to remain anonymous. "Last time I checked, this is America."
Others took an opposing view. "These idiots with their 'no-foam-extra-whip-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-vanilla-syrup-make-room-for-daddy-triple-double-decaf-candy-appletini-pumpkin-spice-caramel-cream-swirls' are out of control," said one loyal grande espresso aficionado. "You get four or five of these coffee clowns in line in front of you, and you can kiss fifteen minutes goodbye. Life is too short."
Life was almost cut too short on Wednesday for one blog reader, who was spied laughing out loud at Uraclod's Tuesday column. The unsuspecting reader was apparently unaware that a busload of eco-tourists has just entered the store. After four or five of them were heard discussing the possibility of ordering various versions of the trademark "Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème," and inquiring whether the source of the coffee was "conflict beans," the reader muttered: "Hey, tree-huggers, Baskin Robbins is down the street."
"The tourists just went ballistic," said one store employee. "The poor guy was lucky he got out of there with just a cup of decaf dumped on his head."
Even more vicious attacks have been reported. In Miami, a suggestion that Starbucks consider leasing its tables to alleged "laptop hogs" sparked a near fatal brawl. After witnesssing a customer spread out his computer and papers across a table designed to accommodate four persons, a patron suggested to the customer that he consider leasing the space on a monthly basis. This apparently prompted the customer to fly into a caffeine induced rage during which he attempted to force feed the patron a double vente pumpkin spice non-fat soy latte (no foam). The incident was captured on the store's security camera. Police say they plan to file charges against the assailant as soon as they can identify the weapon.
"We're still in the investigation stage," said Police Spokeswoman Cpl. Frappa Chino. "Apparently, the cup read 'soy-pumpkin-spice-blueberry-syrup' which somewhat conflicts with some of the witnesses' statements. We should get a full chemical analysis in 2-3 weeks. Fortunately, we recovered a lid and stirrer so we're hoping for a match."
Reached at the St. Ignacious Burn Unit, the victim explained, "I just said to the guy, 'hey, you're here all day occupying the entire table with your laptop, you ought to pay rent.' I had no idea he would freak out."
The laptop question is simmering in stores in other states. According to a regular decaf drinker in St. Louis, store employees at one Starbucks report that, since January 2006, one particular customer stakes out a table for two every weekday from 7am to 7pm.
"You should see this guy," said the customer, "He's got his two-line phone, rolodex, spread sheets! Once, he left for lunch and asked the barista to 'hold his calls.' What nerve!"
A search of corporate records reveals that at least 85 small firms nationwide listed a Starbucks store as their primary business address in 2007. An official with the Internal Revenue Service fears that this year's tax returns will show a record number of deductions for greatest hits CDs and slices of lemon poppyseed pound cake.
"These are usually one-person businesses," the IRS official said. "Most of them are in the technology sector. The problem is, many don't understand that a 'reduced fat blueberry coffee cake' or 'double chunk chocolate chip cookie' is not a legitimate business expense."
The IRS official confirmed, however, that if Starbucks did take the radical step of leasing out tables, those expenses might be fully deductible.
One blogger wrote, "Starbucks is missing a great opportunity. By leasing tables, it could use the extra revenue to offset its outrageous prices."
Reached for comment, a Starbucks spokesperson denied that the corporation has discussed plans to start leasing tables, even if it means losing opportunities for corporate sponsorship. "We hope that all of our Starbucks® clients will cooperate with each other in sharing the environment we've created for the enjoyment of their favorite Starbucks beverages," the spokesperson said. "Whether it be a 'triple-vente-nonfat-soy-no-foam-double-whip-mocha-latte®' or a 'frozen-strawberrycino®-appletini-foam-delight®-caramel-swirl-double-chocolaty-chip®-cookie-dough-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino®', we just want all of our clients to get the most out of their Starbucks® beverage experience."
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