Recently, a friend of mine complained that more and more Starbucks' customers have converted the simple act of ordering a cup of coffee into a G-D "beverage event." How do these people manage to come up with an order that has more syllables than the recipe for Prozac? I tell you, it's not surprising to hear someone belt out: "I'll have a vente-pumpkin-spice-double-decaf-nonfat-soy-latte-no-whip-but-foam-no-room-but-swirl-Iced-not-frozen-shaken-not-stirred-sugar-free-syrup-organic-spice-non-conflict-African-brew-in-a-free-range-recycled-non-Brazilian-rain-forest-paper-cup. And can I have an extra sleeve?" Whew!
So what the hell is happening here? Well, let me posit a theory. This is a phenomenon which I'll call: "Starbucks Rage." The evolution of coffee shops in this country has produced a culture that can't resist walking into these overpriced joints, and laying down four bills just for a daily jolt of caffeine. Starbucks is the King of this conspiracy because it figured out how to over-roast its beans just enough (hence, the pejorative term: Charbucks) to produce a distinctive charcoal taste that we have come to (mistakenly) believe is synonomous with the most powerful caffeine wallop. At any rate, like the geniuses who taught us that it's healthier to drink tap (aka "Spring") water out of a rapidly decomposing, chemical leaching plastic bottle, Starbucks and its competitors have convinced us that their overrated and outrageously priced brew is something we simply cannot live without.
As a result, there are many Starbucks' customers who reluctantly give in to the pressure and line up like Oliver Twist, begging for their daily buzz which will no doubt start their hearts pounding and their ears ringing. The anticipation of that first jolt has become so overwhelming that we have no patience for the numbskulls who think they just walked into Cafe Disneyland. You know the type! First they gaze up at the menu in amazement, unable to choose between the Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème or the Iced White Chocolate Mocha with nonfat soy whip. It's enough to make you dizzy! And I'm not even talking about the poor unfortunates who dare to ask for definitions or clarifications ("how big is a Grande?" or "is the caramel creme natural or artificial?"). Ok! That does it! Up against the wall!
The point is -- we're already a society on edge and all this caffeine is making us even worse. We're completely resentful of the fact that the masterminds of manipulation have, once again, tricked us into forking over huge wads of cash for something that should cost pennies, so we don't want any characters coming in here trying to give the place atmosphere! This is an addiction. It ain't no damn ice cream parlor. We're here because we have no other choice. Now, move it or lose it, Grandma! Baskin Robbins is down the road!
On the other hand, I think most of us can remember the utter confusion we experienced when we first walked into Starbucks. What happened to "small, medium, and large?" Why is it so necessary to say, "tall, grande, and vente." I don't recall Starbucks being a Latin corporation. And what citizens of which nation yell out "tall" when they want something small? Is this a euphemism? (Pssst. Don't say "small" because the customer will think it's the smallest size). Well, it IS the smallest size! Why the big mystery!
I guess we should applaud those customers who come in with their orders well rehearsed, no matter how long they are. If anything, these long winded requests say a lot about the person. If someone is so picky about a cup of coffee, imagine being married to that person and trying to agree on what house to buy, how to furnish it, or how many kids you're going to have. Even more telling is the customer who returns the beverage, "excuse me...I asked for no whip and there's a whip." I'll give you a whip! Craaaaack! Take that, you anal retentive pain in the ass!
In many ways, Starbucks has created at least two divergent subcultures: the "just the facts" types, who confine their order to five or fewer specifications: (1)size (2) drink type (3) caffeinated or decaf (4)sweetened or unsweetened (5) fat or nonfat. I'll even spot you one more and let you pick soy if that's your bag. But any more than that, and you're on my list! You're also pushing your luck if you order anything frozen in the morning. Oh? Did you work the night shift? Or are you just going to START the day off with dessert? Keep in mind, when you utter the prefix "frappa--" and the clock hasn't yet struck noon -- my eyes are immediately going for your gut to see what other high fat, sugary shenanigans you've been up to. I mean, did you think that adding 200 mg of caffeine to an ice cream soda suddenly makes it good for you? Well, it don't. So the next time you decide to hang with us working classholes and order a double mocha banana split in a blender, you'd better suck it in cause we're all going to be staring!
I thought I could wrap this up in one post but, as I see, the more I write, the more I'm filled with rage. Must be all that green tea. You know, the kind with "Zen" written on the package? Stay tuned.
So what the hell is happening here? Well, let me posit a theory. This is a phenomenon which I'll call: "Starbucks Rage." The evolution of coffee shops in this country has produced a culture that can't resist walking into these overpriced joints, and laying down four bills just for a daily jolt of caffeine. Starbucks is the King of this conspiracy because it figured out how to over-roast its beans just enough (hence, the pejorative term: Charbucks) to produce a distinctive charcoal taste that we have come to (mistakenly) believe is synonomous with the most powerful caffeine wallop. At any rate, like the geniuses who taught us that it's healthier to drink tap (aka "Spring") water out of a rapidly decomposing, chemical leaching plastic bottle, Starbucks and its competitors have convinced us that their overrated and outrageously priced brew is something we simply cannot live without.
As a result, there are many Starbucks' customers who reluctantly give in to the pressure and line up like Oliver Twist, begging for their daily buzz which will no doubt start their hearts pounding and their ears ringing. The anticipation of that first jolt has become so overwhelming that we have no patience for the numbskulls who think they just walked into Cafe Disneyland. You know the type! First they gaze up at the menu in amazement, unable to choose between the Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème or the Iced White Chocolate Mocha with nonfat soy whip. It's enough to make you dizzy! And I'm not even talking about the poor unfortunates who dare to ask for definitions or clarifications ("how big is a Grande?" or "is the caramel creme natural or artificial?"). Ok! That does it! Up against the wall!
The point is -- we're already a society on edge and all this caffeine is making us even worse. We're completely resentful of the fact that the masterminds of manipulation have, once again, tricked us into forking over huge wads of cash for something that should cost pennies, so we don't want any characters coming in here trying to give the place atmosphere! This is an addiction. It ain't no damn ice cream parlor. We're here because we have no other choice. Now, move it or lose it, Grandma! Baskin Robbins is down the road!
On the other hand, I think most of us can remember the utter confusion we experienced when we first walked into Starbucks. What happened to "small, medium, and large?" Why is it so necessary to say, "tall, grande, and vente." I don't recall Starbucks being a Latin corporation. And what citizens of which nation yell out "tall" when they want something small? Is this a euphemism? (Pssst. Don't say "small" because the customer will think it's the smallest size). Well, it IS the smallest size! Why the big mystery!
I guess we should applaud those customers who come in with their orders well rehearsed, no matter how long they are. If anything, these long winded requests say a lot about the person. If someone is so picky about a cup of coffee, imagine being married to that person and trying to agree on what house to buy, how to furnish it, or how many kids you're going to have. Even more telling is the customer who returns the beverage, "excuse me...I asked for no whip and there's a whip." I'll give you a whip! Craaaaack! Take that, you anal retentive pain in the ass!
In many ways, Starbucks has created at least two divergent subcultures: the "just the facts" types, who confine their order to five or fewer specifications: (1)size (2) drink type (3) caffeinated or decaf (4)sweetened or unsweetened (5) fat or nonfat. I'll even spot you one more and let you pick soy if that's your bag. But any more than that, and you're on my list! You're also pushing your luck if you order anything frozen in the morning. Oh? Did you work the night shift? Or are you just going to START the day off with dessert? Keep in mind, when you utter the prefix "frappa--" and the clock hasn't yet struck noon -- my eyes are immediately going for your gut to see what other high fat, sugary shenanigans you've been up to. I mean, did you think that adding 200 mg of caffeine to an ice cream soda suddenly makes it good for you? Well, it don't. So the next time you decide to hang with us working classholes and order a double mocha banana split in a blender, you'd better suck it in cause we're all going to be staring!
I thought I could wrap this up in one post but, as I see, the more I write, the more I'm filled with rage. Must be all that green tea. You know, the kind with "Zen" written on the package? Stay tuned.
No comments:
Post a Comment