Flying is fun: The Grand Finale!

My trip to the west coast is getting closer and to tell you the truth, I'm getting really excited about all the adventures I'm going to encounter. Not the adventures out west, silly, but the stuff that goes on inside the plane. First of all, like an idiot, I purchased a cheap flight through Travelocity which means I have to connect during both legs of the journey. So instead of taking two flights, I get to take FOUR! Jealous?!?! I bet you are! This means four opportunities to get jammed into the smallest seats known to man. Four opportunities to sit next to some fat slob who thinks it's ok to take his shoes off. Four opportunities to sit near some jackass who decided to save money on food by bringing his stinky bag of McDonald's on board. That, my friends, is my favorite!

Since we're on the subject, I might as well share with you some of my other favorite on board activities. Let me put them in ascending order of aggravation:

(10) having some guy stand in the aisle and carry on a loud conversation with the idiot sitting next to me;
(9) having some idiot in the seat IN FRONT OF ME turn around and carry on a loud conversation with the clod sitting in my row;
(8) sitting next to a passenger with an IPOD turned up so loud it sounds like a miniature rock band is having a jam session in his head;
(7) sitting next to some dolt who believes that both arm rests were built solely for his personal use;
(6) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating any kind of fast food;
(5) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating anything from McDonald's:
(4) sitting nest to or near anyone who thinks proper personal hygiene is optional;
(3) watching people try and jam over sized suitcases in the overhead bin after I just carefully placed a fragile object up there for safekeeping;
(2) finding someone in my seat who thinks they can fool me into thinking my seat is actually somewhere else (Obviously, they don't know who they are dealing with);
(1) finally falling asleep only to have the pilot get on the scratchy, ear splitting intercom to inform the passengers that they are flying over some monument or river that I couldn't care less about

Now, you may think I'm a bit crabby for writing this post. Hey, guilty as charged. But you can't deny that the airlines are going out of their way these days to make flying coach as painful as possible. I suspect they want to make you so miserable that, next time, you will shell out three times as much money to fly business class. In my opinion, they really ought to come clean about it. They can start by re-naming the classes. Instead of First, Business, Economy Plus, and Economy, they should call it (1)Superior Human Being, (2)Pretty Good Human Being, (3) Peasant, and (4) Scum. "Superior" is what you get if you are so rich you've run out of ways to waste your money. "Pretty good" is for those of us who scrimp and save just so we can look down on the other classes for one brief moment. "Peasant" is what you get when you pay a premium over the regular price ticket. Finally, "Scum" is what happens when you check the box that says, "Show me the lowest fare."

Because most people will still choose "Scum", the airlines might be well advised to make this class even more horrible than its current counterpart, Economy. Instead of serving you a complimentary beverage, for instance, they can simply spill hot coffee on your suit. They can make sure all the audio inputs in your armrest are broken. They can even clog up the one toilet which you must share with your other 200 fellow travelers. Most airlines already do this now, but they can train their flight attendants to snap at you all the time. For instance, the flight attendants can totally freak out whenever your seat has declined by one degree during takeoff and landing. They could go absolutely bonkers if your tray table is down while the plane is within 100 miles of the airport. And this goes without saying -- they MUST take every blanket and pillow up to the other classes so you freeze to death and never get a wink of sleep.

Finally, and this is an ABSOLUTE MUST, they should make sure that the crossword puzzle in every available magazine is completely filled in. I can't believe I almost left that one out!

All in all, the airlines are doing a yeoman's job of enforcing these initiatives. However, consistency is key. A sympathetic flight attendant or helpful gate attendant will ruin it for everyone. Every once in a while, for instance, I'll ask for an exit row and they'll give it to me. Though airlines are now in the habit of charging you extra bucks for this benefit,* there are still some out there who will do this service for free. Shame on them!

So, in honor of today's airline rant, here's the final installment of my little "Flying is Fun" quiz. Unlike the last times, I'm going to give you the question today, but I won't start giving you the suggested answers until tomorrow. This way I can milk this thing for all it's worth. Hell, I spend a lot of time on these drawings even if it doesn't look like it.

QUESTION NO. 4: You're desperately trying to get some shuteye on a long flight across the country. But someone forgot the word discipline when they decided to have a child. As a result, the brat climbs up the back of your seat, reaches down, and pokes you in the eye. What should you do? Choice No. 1 will be revealed tomorrow!

*By the way, don't get me started over this "charging for the exit row BS." One of these days, some guy is going to lay down $50 for an exit seat and when the plane fills up with smoke, he's going to take up a collection before agreeing to open the damn door. Mark my words!