EXCLUSIVE: GRAND JURY INVESTIGATES INSULT AIRLINES; Airline's "Bumping" Policy Probed

Just days after a highly publicized incident involving more than 200 sickened passengers, confidential sources revealed that Insult Air is the subject of a Grand Jury investigation into its controversial "bumping" policy. According to sources who requested anonymity, Insult Air is being investigated for allegedly ejecting passengers in midflight in an effort to ease overcrowding and avoid being cited by the FAA for failing to provide seats to all its passengers.

Traditionally, airlines overbook flights with the expectation that there will be a certain percentage of "no shows." However, when there are fewer "no shows" than predicted, passengers are often "bumped" and forced to make alternate travel plans. According to sources, Insult Air, in an effort to prevent delays caused by bumped, irate passengers who throw hizzy fits at the gate, ordered its crew to load up the plane and take off before all the ticketed passengers were seated. Once it learned that there were not enough seats for all those holding tickets, the airline allegedly "bumped" the extra passengers by ejecting them from the plane in midflight.

"If these charges are true, Insult Air is going to have hell to pay," said Hansen Pockets, a personal injury attorney who represents one of the allegedly "bumped" victims. "Passengers may not have many rights these days, but they at least don't deserve to be tossed out of an aircraft at 35,000 feet."

Sources say the charges came to light when a digital camera was recovered in a farmer's field in Boondocks, Ohio. Though the camera was badly damaged, it contained a photograph (reproduced above) that was reportedly taken by a "bumped" passenger after he was ejected from the aircraft. The passenger's body was discovered several hundred yards away in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

"When we found the camera, I didn't think nothin' of it," said farmer Will Barrow. "Then, there was that there report of a skydiver who forgot his dang chute and landing in the Piggly Wiggly. I still didn't think nothin' of it."

Barrow said his girlfriend actually made the connection and decided to turn the camera over to police.

"We be law abiding people in these here parts, and when law abiding folks find something that ain't yours, you give it back," said Rhoda Horsey.

According to sources, the photo shows three passengers being ejected from the plane. However, none of the three has been located. Mr. Barrow speculated that they may have fallen into a giant manure storage unit located on the southwestern part of his property.

"The dung in there is nigh near 12 feet deep. A fella can ease-ly get lost in all that poo. I reckon I oughta look fer 'em," Barrow said. "Come to think of it, I also remember seeing a great big ole turkey buzzard cartin' off something pretty dang big the other day past, maybe that was one of 'em."

[Pictured above: Three terrified, unidentified passengers being ejected from an Insult Air jet at 35,000]