Insult Air Settles GJ Probe; Wins Approval For "Sardine Class" Coach Seating

In an surprise move, Insult Air agreed to plead guilty to three charges of improper business practices in exchange for the prosecutor's agreement to halt the six month Grand Jury probe into the airline's alleged practice of ejecting overbooked passengers during mid flight.

Though details of the agreement were not immediately available, sources close to the investigation say Insult Air's agreement also contains proposals to add additional seating to its aircraft.

"This is a win-win situation for us," said Insult Air Spokesman Hugh Kares. "The airline essentially pays a small fine and we get to double the amount of seats in Coach-Class."

As pictured above, the airline proposes to replace every section of three Coach-Class seats with a section of five seats. These new seats, industry analysts say, will have absolutely no leg room and no room for passengers' arms.

"Sardines get a better deal than the poor slobs who fly Insult Air," said Ben Dover, a market analyst who studies the airline industry. "I doubt many people will survive the flight after being packed so tight. They might have to toss some people out of the aircraft just to eliminate the stench of dead rotting flesh."

Insult Air Spokesman Hugh Cares disagrees. "We are providing a humane alternative to getting tossed out of the airplane during mid flight. What would you choose? Huh?"

As for the four victims who were allegedly ejected from the airplane due to overcrowding, Insult Air has neither accepted nor denied responsibility. Only one victim has been recovered. The others may have fallen into a deep manure pile and disappeared.

Kares says Insult Air regrets the incident and plans to help the victims' families through their grieving ordeal.

"I'm not saying we did anything wrong, but if we did, we're going to adequately compensate them," said Kares. "I think we'll give them each a $50 dollar discount certificate off any full price Insult Air fare provided they don't fly on holidays, non-holidays, or non-non-holidays. That's more than generous."

Kares also confirmed that passengers in First Class who may have witnessed the passengers' ejections will also be compensated.

"If anyone in First Class saw or heard something, or even heard something second or third hand, or knows someone who heard or saw something second, third, or fourth hand, we're going to take care of them," said Kares. "We're proposing the standard compensation package: Free travel around the world for life, a billion dollars in gold, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds. It's the least we can do."

Asked if Insult Air planned to cease its mid flight ejection policy, Kares would not comment.

"You're asking me to speculate," said Kares. "These are changing times for the airline industry. Let's see how the additional seats work out and we'll take it from there."