Insult Airlines President and CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended today called for a federal investigation into remarks made last week by Nutsobad Airways President Oliver Klozov, remarks which Insult Air staffers allege were designed to incite kidnappers and murderers to kidnap, torture, and kill Ahphended's child. On Thursday, the day before the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend, Insult Air staffers publicly alleged that Klozov made death and kidnap threats towards Ahphended during a recent speech before the Airline Satisfaction Society (ASS) when he compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh.
According to a transcript of the ASS event, Klozov made the following statement:
"Mr. Ahphended certainly has made his mark in airline history with his bold and groundbreaking cost cutting measures. He's greatly increased the number of passengers seated in coach, even going so far as to seat travellers in the restroom. Though they will be remembered differently, Mr. Ahphended and Charles Lindbergh have both had a dramatic impact on air travel."
According to Insult Air staffers, who asked not to be identified, Klozov's mention of Charles Lindbergh was offensive, inappropriate, inciteful, and threatening.
"Everyone knows what happened to the Lindbergh baby," said one staffer, identified only as "Flunky," "Mr. Klozov was clearly trying to incite someone to kidnap Mr. Ahphended's child and then kill him just like they did to Lucky Lindy's kid. It's horrible and sick."
Asked to comment on the controversy, Klozov said he didn't know what all the fuss was about. "What?" he said.
Though Ahphended has not personally condemned Klozov's remarks, he has called them "unfortunate."
"Mr. Klozov's reference to me and a horrible American tragedy has no place in the airline business," said Ahphended. "I'm sure he didn't intend his remarks to cause me or my defenseless little baby any harm despite the fact that the great Charles Lindbergh's poor little child was kidnapped and brutally murdered. I'm sure it was just an unfortunate and poor choice of inciteful, threatening words. It was just very unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate. But that's just my opinion, others have taken another view and here they are."
"Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer," said one anonymous staffer.
"He should be strung up and hanged," said another.
The uproar over Klozov's remarks has apparently had a devastating effect on Nutsobad's sales over the Memorial Day weekend. Nutsobad reports that fallout over the controversy has cut sales by 90%. Some travellers say they don't trust an airline that promotes the kidnapping and murder of little children.
"Insult Air jams us two to a seat like Sardines, sticks us in the restroom, and feeds us nothing. But at least it won't kidnap and murder our poor children," said Pay Myass, a mother of three crying kids.
"That Klozov guy should be put away. What a sicko," said Lance Boyle. "I haven't heard his explanation but I don't need to. Insult Air's 20 minute infomercial and billboards on the way to the airport gave me all the information that I need to make a decision about which airline I'm gonna fly."
"What on earth are they talking about?" said Klozov.
This morning, Nutsobad Air issued a statement, attempting to calm the uproar over Klozov's remarks.
"Mr. Klozov compared Mr. Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh. He didn't say 'kidnap Mr. Aphended's child and murder him.' You people are obviously having a slow news day. What ever happened to Memorial Day traffic? That's a good story."
"Very, very, very unfortunate remarks," repeated Ahphended. "I just hope that we can put this issue behind us. The Memorial Day weekend is almost over and our planes will be bringing all these folks home. We need to concentrate on serving our loyal customers. Perhaps we can revisit this issue in a few months, let's say, right before the July 4 weekend? Emotions are running so high right now. I don't want our competitor to suffer because of what might be a misunderstanding. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding but I'm giving Klozov the benefit of the doubt. It was just very, very, very, very, unfortunate. Very unfortunate!"
[Pictured above: Artist depiction of what Klozov was referring to when he compared CEO Ahphended with Charles Lindbergh; courtesy of anonymous Insult Airlines Art Department Employee]
According to a transcript of the ASS event, Klozov made the following statement:
"Mr. Ahphended certainly has made his mark in airline history with his bold and groundbreaking cost cutting measures. He's greatly increased the number of passengers seated in coach, even going so far as to seat travellers in the restroom. Though they will be remembered differently, Mr. Ahphended and Charles Lindbergh have both had a dramatic impact on air travel."
According to Insult Air staffers, who asked not to be identified, Klozov's mention of Charles Lindbergh was offensive, inappropriate, inciteful, and threatening.
"Everyone knows what happened to the Lindbergh baby," said one staffer, identified only as "Flunky," "Mr. Klozov was clearly trying to incite someone to kidnap Mr. Ahphended's child and then kill him just like they did to Lucky Lindy's kid. It's horrible and sick."
Asked to comment on the controversy, Klozov said he didn't know what all the fuss was about. "What?" he said.
Though Ahphended has not personally condemned Klozov's remarks, he has called them "unfortunate."
"Mr. Klozov's reference to me and a horrible American tragedy has no place in the airline business," said Ahphended. "I'm sure he didn't intend his remarks to cause me or my defenseless little baby any harm despite the fact that the great Charles Lindbergh's poor little child was kidnapped and brutally murdered. I'm sure it was just an unfortunate and poor choice of inciteful, threatening words. It was just very unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate. But that's just my opinion, others have taken another view and here they are."
"Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer," said one anonymous staffer.
"He should be strung up and hanged," said another.
The uproar over Klozov's remarks has apparently had a devastating effect on Nutsobad's sales over the Memorial Day weekend. Nutsobad reports that fallout over the controversy has cut sales by 90%. Some travellers say they don't trust an airline that promotes the kidnapping and murder of little children.
"Insult Air jams us two to a seat like Sardines, sticks us in the restroom, and feeds us nothing. But at least it won't kidnap and murder our poor children," said Pay Myass, a mother of three crying kids.
"That Klozov guy should be put away. What a sicko," said Lance Boyle. "I haven't heard his explanation but I don't need to. Insult Air's 20 minute infomercial and billboards on the way to the airport gave me all the information that I need to make a decision about which airline I'm gonna fly."
"What on earth are they talking about?" said Klozov.
This morning, Nutsobad Air issued a statement, attempting to calm the uproar over Klozov's remarks.
"Mr. Klozov compared Mr. Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh. He didn't say 'kidnap Mr. Aphended's child and murder him.' You people are obviously having a slow news day. What ever happened to Memorial Day traffic? That's a good story."
"Very, very, very unfortunate remarks," repeated Ahphended. "I just hope that we can put this issue behind us. The Memorial Day weekend is almost over and our planes will be bringing all these folks home. We need to concentrate on serving our loyal customers. Perhaps we can revisit this issue in a few months, let's say, right before the July 4 weekend? Emotions are running so high right now. I don't want our competitor to suffer because of what might be a misunderstanding. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding but I'm giving Klozov the benefit of the doubt. It was just very, very, very, very, unfortunate. Very unfortunate!"
[Pictured above: Artist depiction of what Klozov was referring to when he compared CEO Ahphended with Charles Lindbergh; courtesy of anonymous Insult Airlines Art Department Employee]
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