By Sy Berfrawd, Imbecile Medical Reporter.
In a study involving 1000 imbeciles across the nation, researchers concluded that, in many cases, acting like a complete moron may lead to alcoholism. The study revealed that young men and women who insist on making ridiculous fools of themselves have a higher chance of becoming alcoholics later in life. The study also showed that members of the same focus group are prone to social ostracism and general bewilderment about the world.
For their study, researchers visited 100 college and high school campuses, seeking out the biggest jerks they could find.
"We wanted a particular type of subject," said Dr. Gerri Attrick. "It wasn't enough to request the names of the biggest idiots on campus. In fact, when we spoke to most kids, their definition of idiot was far different than ours."
In some cases, researchers say, the person described as the "rowdiest" or "biggest party-er" usually turned out to be the best subject for research study.
"We started noticing patterns of behavior that were uniform across the country," said Dr. Attrick. "For instance, students who yelled 'wooooo' a lot and drove cars with deafening sound systems were perfect candidates. Also, those who consumed alcoholic beverages through 'beer bongs' were exactly what we were looking for."
A "beer bong" is a device consisting of a long tube attached to a large funnel. One person pours a large quantify of an alcoholic beverage, usually beer, into the open end of the funnel while the other person inserts the tube down his throat. The design of the "beer bong" causes the beer to rapidly flow through the tube in large quantities, forcing the person on the other end to consume huge amounts of beer during a short period of time.
"Only an imbecile would use such a device," said Dr. Attrick. "In that sense, we were lucky because every person with a beer bong was a perfect candidate for the study."
Dr. Attrick notes that researchers also found candidates who possessed "wearable beer bongs" and "beer hats."
"This was almost too good to be true," said Attrick. "When you see people with these devices, the determination of idiocy is a no brainer, no pun intended."
The findings of the study were surprising. Though scientists have long held the belief that alcoholism is genetically related, researchers learned that the incidence of alcoholism among genetically pre-disposed idiots is far greater than among those who simply carry the gene.
"In other words," said Dr. Attrick. "An idiot with the alcoholic gene almost always becomes an alcoholic. A reasonably intelligent person, even though he or she may carry the gene, may not go on to abuse drugs or alcohol. It depends."
An official with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) says the results of the study are consistent with the group's experience.
"Someone who comes into AA is obviously looking for help," said Al Kahaulich, president of the Canoga Park AA Chapter. "That shows some intelligence. We rarely see idiots and imbeciles walk in here and when we do, it's because they think it's a place for alcoholics to get hammered in private. Apparently, they don't know what we're all about. Some don't even know what the word 'anonymous' means."
One research subject, Mr. Stu Pidd, confirmed that, to many drunk imbeciles, AA is a big mystery.
"Like, man, I thought it was that car place, you know, man, where you get maps and directions and they tow your ride if you break down," said Pidd.
Anita Brane, who also participated in the study, said she always thought Alcoholics Anonymous was a place for people to drink without their parents finding out.
"I mean, it makes sense, don't it? You are an alcoholic and you go somewhere to be anonymous. Why don't they serve beer there? They could make a lot more money if they did. It's stupid not to sell beer."
Researchers say the results of this latest study also confirm a disturbing pattern among imbeciles, idiots, and morons, who already suffer from a higher incidence of accident related injuries and deaths. Currently, the normal life expectancy for a normal American male is 73. The average imbecile lives to be only 50, if he's lucky.
Leading causes of imbecile deaths are as follows:
10. Skateboarding accidents
9. Tree collisions (includes sticking your head out of the car window to taunt someone and then having it smash into a tree)
8. Car accidents (includes falling asleep on a roadway and being run over by a motor vehicle)
7. Train accidents (includes falling asleep on railroad tracks after passing out drunk and then being cut in three pieces by an oncoming train)
6. Self-inflicted injury (includes injuries caused while being videotaped for use on YouTube, reality TV, or Jackass: The Sequel)
5. Alcohol overdoses/alcohol poisoning
4. Violence (includes being punched out for being an wise-ass idiot)
3. Choking (on food, usually due to too rapid consumption of giant slices of pizza or sub sandwiches while laughing uproariously at something unbelievably stupid)
2. Drowning (includes jumping into bodies of water notwithstanding the fact that you have no idea how to swim)
1. Total brain failure (almost all imbeciles suffer from some form of this, however, in some cases, the imbecile's brain completely shuts down simply because he is, after all, an imbecile!)
[Above: Photo of two imbeciles with a beer bong being watched by two blithering idiots, one of whom is holding a 48 oz. cup of beer and giant turkey leg]
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