The eco-Nazis are going to love this one! Have you ever noticed how some grocery stores, in an effort to cut down on waste and energy costs, are no longer offering plastic bags? That's right! No more "Paper or plastic?" All you're getting is paper, and if you don't like it, tough tomatoes!
The reason for this bias against plastic is that plastic isn't exactly biodegradable. Sure, most plastic will break down in about three thousand years, but most of us won't be around then. So, what do we care? We'll never get to reap the benefits of seeing plastic disappear from our landfills, streets, oceans, forests, and lakes. That plastic bottle that's been floating in the harbor for the last 2 years will still be here until 5007. Hell, by then, we'll probably be dominated by robots.
Anyway, here's a novel idea. Since paper contributes to the destruction of the rain forest, and it costs lots of energy to make and destroy -- why not ban paper as well? But what will I...what will I....(I know what you're going to say)...what will I use to carry home my groceries? Well, I anticipated that question. One solution is to bring your own bags to the grocery store.
I know what you're thinking.
I anticipated your response as well.
Take a deep breath. Now, let it out.
BRING MY OWN BAGS TO THE GROCERY STORE?!?!?! WHAT KIND OF FRIGGING ECO-NERD DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!?! I GUESS YOU'LL NEXT WANT ME TO RIDE MY 200-SPEED MOUNTAIN BIKE EVERYWHERE AND CARRY A GIANT BACK PACK AND EAT RAIN FOREST CRUNCH AND VACATION IN ALASKA AND USE THE BATHROOM IN THE WOODS?!?!?! GIVE ME A BREAK?!?!
I hear you, sister. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you make yourself the object of constant ridicule. People who bring their own bags to the grocery store are beyond crunchy. Most of them are damn angry, like ex-smokers and alcoholics. "Oh, I see you're destroying the environment. Well, I have my trusty canvas bag which I bring with me everywhere. I'm superior to you, earth killer."
Yes, we can't be bringing our own bags to the grocery store. Not now. Not ever. So what's the solution Mister-I-Thought-Of-Everything?
Brace yourself.
Are you ready?
Here it is.
Don't bring your groceries home. Eat them at the store. Yes! Eat all of them. Most people are doing that anyway at Whole Foods with all those samples. If you get there on a good day (right when the store opens), you can have a feast of sliced fruits, chips and four different dips, and at least 5 different cheeses. Hang around till lunch and there's Chef's corner which serves up something delightfully hot. Another hour or so and it's wine tasting. And it's all free! So hit the samples and then top it off with a tasty purchase (if you're not too full). Devour it right on the premises and everybody's happy. People will just think you're too busy and important to take time out to eat -- which is a helluva lot cooler than lurking around carrying your own dirty grocery bags, wearing a hemp shirt, and a pair of Crocs (which, by the way, are made out of plastic).
The reason for this bias against plastic is that plastic isn't exactly biodegradable. Sure, most plastic will break down in about three thousand years, but most of us won't be around then. So, what do we care? We'll never get to reap the benefits of seeing plastic disappear from our landfills, streets, oceans, forests, and lakes. That plastic bottle that's been floating in the harbor for the last 2 years will still be here until 5007. Hell, by then, we'll probably be dominated by robots.
Anyway, here's a novel idea. Since paper contributes to the destruction of the rain forest, and it costs lots of energy to make and destroy -- why not ban paper as well? But what will I...what will I....(I know what you're going to say)...what will I use to carry home my groceries? Well, I anticipated that question. One solution is to bring your own bags to the grocery store.
I know what you're thinking.
I anticipated your response as well.
Take a deep breath. Now, let it out.
BRING MY OWN BAGS TO THE GROCERY STORE?!?!?! WHAT KIND OF FRIGGING ECO-NERD DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!?! I GUESS YOU'LL NEXT WANT ME TO RIDE MY 200-SPEED MOUNTAIN BIKE EVERYWHERE AND CARRY A GIANT BACK PACK AND EAT RAIN FOREST CRUNCH AND VACATION IN ALASKA AND USE THE BATHROOM IN THE WOODS?!?!?! GIVE ME A BREAK?!?!
I hear you, sister. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you make yourself the object of constant ridicule. People who bring their own bags to the grocery store are beyond crunchy. Most of them are damn angry, like ex-smokers and alcoholics. "Oh, I see you're destroying the environment. Well, I have my trusty canvas bag which I bring with me everywhere. I'm superior to you, earth killer."
Yes, we can't be bringing our own bags to the grocery store. Not now. Not ever. So what's the solution Mister-I-Thought-Of-Everything?
Brace yourself.
Are you ready?
Here it is.
Don't bring your groceries home. Eat them at the store. Yes! Eat all of them. Most people are doing that anyway at Whole Foods with all those samples. If you get there on a good day (right when the store opens), you can have a feast of sliced fruits, chips and four different dips, and at least 5 different cheeses. Hang around till lunch and there's Chef's corner which serves up something delightfully hot. Another hour or so and it's wine tasting. And it's all free! So hit the samples and then top it off with a tasty purchase (if you're not too full). Devour it right on the premises and everybody's happy. People will just think you're too busy and important to take time out to eat -- which is a helluva lot cooler than lurking around carrying your own dirty grocery bags, wearing a hemp shirt, and a pair of Crocs (which, by the way, are made out of plastic).
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