Cover Story by Shirley U. Jest, Special Correspondent to Imbecile Magazine
It's Friday night and the mall is hopping with chicks. It's the perfect time to load up your low-rider with your home boys and start scouting out those delicious babes. But first, you have to cruise through the hood with your car stereo blasting at ear splitting volume. You have to show these women just how cool you are.
As your car pounds with the beat, the drivers on either side make ugly faces and look away. Some even roll up their windows. They're just jealous, you conclude. They wish they had a chillin ride with a sound system like yours. If only their cars could pulse and vibrate? If only they had your awesome taste in music? It's settled! You are the hippest dude in the joint. You da man!
On almost every street corner in America, this scenario is played out in the diminutive brains of thousands of young men as they cruise the streets in their pimped out cars -- letting us know just how cool they are.
They blast their music though a car sound system that is rigged with so many speakers and sub woofers, that the only real sound emitting from the vehicle is a throbbing vibration that shakes everything around it. The purpose of this audio-centric configuration is crystal clear. These "boom car" drivers want the world to know they are the grooviest guys in town. They have the loudest cars, the freshest look, and the best taste in music. And they want to share their tastes and talents with everyone around them.
"I love boom cars," said Anita Brane, a female mall rat in Canoga Park. "When I see one of them coming down the street, I think to myself -- those guys are soooooo cool. I wish I could be them"
Though a small minority of uptight, Puritan types have expressed minor annoyance with the boom car set, the overall majority of Americans consider them to be an asset to the community.
"These guys are the trendsetters," said Al Koholic, businessman. "When they ride by my outdoor cafe and their gangsta rap is blasting so loud my customers can't hear each other -- I say to myself: that's so cooooooool. Why can't I be like that? I wish they could stop in and I could give them something for free."
Many look to boom cars and their occupants for guidance on everything from fashion to musical taste.
"When I go to record store, I not know what to buy," said Losef S. Teem, a recent immigrant. "These guys point me in right direction. I really want to know what to they listening, so I be happy they cruise through my neighborhood blasting music all night long -- waking my baby and scaring my 90-year-old mother so bad she almost get heart attack every time they ride by. But this OK -- this land of free."
According to psychologists, boom car drivers are highly desirable to women, especially those who looking for someone to be their baby's daddy.
"We find that boom car drivers are especially attractive to females, probably because of their exquisite musical taste, their boss rides, and their aggressiveness," posits Dr. Bea Loony. "Girls just love it when a guy blasts his music --especially if the lyrics include some thug complaining about the 'man.' They also love it when guys yell 'wooooooooo' and then speed away without showing the tiniest trace of politeness."
"Me and my girlfriends just love it when the boom car boys drive by," said Brane, who recently appeared on an episode of Maury Povich during which producers performed a paternity test on her newborn child. "We don't even mind if they call us the b-word. That's cool cause the rappers use it."
Though some communities have considered passing ordinances limiting the amount of noise in their neighborhoods, most of these initiatives fail once residents recognize the valuable contribution that boom car drivers provide.
"They come into a quiet, peaceful neighborhood and instill a party atmosphere," said Al De Pantzya, former councilman of Canoga Park. "They make sure no one sleeps too much -- they help young parents and infants get used to the idea that they won't ever sleep through the night. Thanks to them, it's as if we're all back in college again -- strike that -- back in high school. Only this time with automatic handguns."
"I say keep on truckin," said Ms. Teem. "You guys are bomb."
Currently, unemployment among boom car drivers is unusually high. Most attribute that to the fact that boom car drivers are iconoclastic and don't assimilate well within the normal working class environment.
One boom car driver, Stu Pitt, recently applied for a manager's job at a local Checker's but was turned down for lack of experience.
"They showing prejudizm 'gainst us -- just like Fiddy Cent said," said Pitt, who is preparing to take his GED examination for the third time. "Yo! The man be against us 24-7."
Pitt says he plans to apply for a receptionist job at a local tattoo parlor. However, until he finds work, he'll live off the proceeds he earned while appearing on the Maury Povich episode with Ms. Brane, his baby's mumma.
Cafe owner Koholic says he frequently gets job applications from boom car drivers, but has no current openings.
"I'd love to hire one of these guys, but we have no positions that match their qualifications. However, I'd be willing to give them something for free -- like a skillet on top of their head!"
TOMORROW: 10 tips on landing your dream job! Ok, not your dream job but the only job you have the slightest chance of obtaining given your pitiful lack of qualifications.
[Photo above: Though most women find boom cars irresistible, a small minority think their drivers are parasites who should be wiped off the face of the earth]
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