The other day, I went searching through my Spam file, looking for a missing email. It's really unbelievable the kind of junk that people send you. Even more unbelievable is how persistent they are. I know its no sweat off their backs to keep sending this crap, but honestly -- you'd think they'd have a little dignity.
Mike G. is one of my favorites. First, he sends emails marked "personal" so you'll think Mike G. is a friend and open it right away. Mike G. is giving away a free Dell laptop, or so he says. I'm sure there's a huge catch to this "giveaway" but, to be honest, I'm not even going to bother to find out what it is. Who the hell cares?
Because I didn't respond to Mike G. or his scheme, I got another email marked "urgent." Now Mike is giving away a CD in addition to the laptop. What's the catch? Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares? Mike G. can go straight to hell with his scams.
That same day, Mike G. sends me another email marked "personal." Time is running out, he warns, so I'd better act soon in order to get that free laptop. Let me add here that the email is starting to insinuate that the laptop will go to the person who is the "lucky marketer." In other words, there ain't no way I'm getting a free laptop. It's just a ripoff. But we already knew that, didn't we?
Two days later, I get another "urgent" email. A few days later, I get another "personal" email. You get the picture. I'm not even reading this crap. Waste of time.
Let's move on to another frequent poster. This one is titled "Panda Research." WTF? I click on it and it tells you to take online surveys -- and that you'll get paid. Online surveys about pandas? What the hell is this? Suddenly I hate those cute little furry animals. But then again, they're just being used so some creep can make money.
Next on the list is Hadley. Hadley sends me an email that's titled: "Why are you denying me that Wednesday?"
What the hell is this? Well, let's open it. Wow! It's a poem and here's a verse:
"Deep believe pattern plural pose fact something.Fact intend electric original soft lay law since.Bar gone center hard radio your.Lady east element start draw determine seed rest.Phrase borrowed don'T range summer country value hurt circle basic.Some believe egg snow."
Hey, Hadley, let me give you a tip. Keep your day job. You're the worst poet ever. What a piece of crap!
A couple of days later, I get another spam from Hadley. This one is titled: "I wish was who youre this friday fleur." Another masterpiece? No such luck. I open the email and now Hadley wants to enlarge my penis in just one week. Gee, Hadley, we just met. Isn't that awfully personal?
A day later, Hadley sends me another email. Like the first email, this one is a poem. Now, I'm feeling bad because I told Hadley that the other poem was the worst poem I'd ever read. I'm sorry, Hadley. I was wrong. This latest poem is the worst! The first one is the second worst! Hey Hadley! You really suck!
Well, if Hadley really wants to enlarge my penis he's going to have lots of competition. Penis enlargement spam must account for 25% of all the spam coming into my spambox. Which brings me back to Ron Jeremy. One of the spams I received is titled: "Be like Ron Jeremy." Now, I know that Ron Jeremy has a big wanker (he's a former porn star) but is he the most enticing image you can come up with? I mean, getting your thing stretched or tugged or cut open or whatever the hell they do with it is pretty weird. They should entice you with something other than the prospect of being a washed out, fat slob, balding, grotesque, porno-sleazeball. If that's the best they can do -- us guys are going to keep their wieners right where they are.
But the Putrid Spam Award has to go to Herschel Schwartz. The other day, Herschel wrote to me to say quote "Im in my bedroom getting wet from thinking about u." Oh really, Herschel? I didn't know you cared. The next day, I get the same exact email from Benny Levy. Thanks Benny, but I'm already in a relationship. It is, however, flattering to know that I make you wet.
Geez. Geez plus yuk.
So that's my spambox. 99.9% of the time, it goes completely unread. But on that rare occasion when the right email gets diverted to the wrong place, I have to go in there. Personally, I'd rather route through the garbage. At least I don't have to read crap like this:
"So once wear best shoe second sign.Log string many parent thin write obtain asked was lend.She gray bring exist lady.Himself island world suggest accept party mention substance.Often sand warm suffix human days gentle crease along carry.Sell prevent correct brought animals were wonder metal moment."
Bravo, Hadley. Well done. Another pile of poetic poo. I want to write like you and look like Ron Jeremy. NOT!
Mike G. is one of my favorites. First, he sends emails marked "personal" so you'll think Mike G. is a friend and open it right away. Mike G. is giving away a free Dell laptop, or so he says. I'm sure there's a huge catch to this "giveaway" but, to be honest, I'm not even going to bother to find out what it is. Who the hell cares?
Because I didn't respond to Mike G. or his scheme, I got another email marked "urgent." Now Mike is giving away a CD in addition to the laptop. What's the catch? Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares? Mike G. can go straight to hell with his scams.
That same day, Mike G. sends me another email marked "personal." Time is running out, he warns, so I'd better act soon in order to get that free laptop. Let me add here that the email is starting to insinuate that the laptop will go to the person who is the "lucky marketer." In other words, there ain't no way I'm getting a free laptop. It's just a ripoff. But we already knew that, didn't we?
Two days later, I get another "urgent" email. A few days later, I get another "personal" email. You get the picture. I'm not even reading this crap. Waste of time.
Let's move on to another frequent poster. This one is titled "Panda Research." WTF? I click on it and it tells you to take online surveys -- and that you'll get paid. Online surveys about pandas? What the hell is this? Suddenly I hate those cute little furry animals. But then again, they're just being used so some creep can make money.
Next on the list is Hadley. Hadley sends me an email that's titled: "Why are you denying me that Wednesday?"
What the hell is this? Well, let's open it. Wow! It's a poem and here's a verse:
"Deep believe pattern plural pose fact something.Fact intend electric original soft lay law since.Bar gone center hard radio your.Lady east element start draw determine seed rest.Phrase borrowed don'T range summer country value hurt circle basic.Some believe egg snow."
Hey, Hadley, let me give you a tip. Keep your day job. You're the worst poet ever. What a piece of crap!
A couple of days later, I get another spam from Hadley. This one is titled: "I wish was who youre this friday fleur." Another masterpiece? No such luck. I open the email and now Hadley wants to enlarge my penis in just one week. Gee, Hadley, we just met. Isn't that awfully personal?
A day later, Hadley sends me another email. Like the first email, this one is a poem. Now, I'm feeling bad because I told Hadley that the other poem was the worst poem I'd ever read. I'm sorry, Hadley. I was wrong. This latest poem is the worst! The first one is the second worst! Hey Hadley! You really suck!
Well, if Hadley really wants to enlarge my penis he's going to have lots of competition. Penis enlargement spam must account for 25% of all the spam coming into my spambox. Which brings me back to Ron Jeremy. One of the spams I received is titled: "Be like Ron Jeremy." Now, I know that Ron Jeremy has a big wanker (he's a former porn star) but is he the most enticing image you can come up with? I mean, getting your thing stretched or tugged or cut open or whatever the hell they do with it is pretty weird. They should entice you with something other than the prospect of being a washed out, fat slob, balding, grotesque, porno-sleazeball. If that's the best they can do -- us guys are going to keep their wieners right where they are.
But the Putrid Spam Award has to go to Herschel Schwartz. The other day, Herschel wrote to me to say quote "Im in my bedroom getting wet from thinking about u." Oh really, Herschel? I didn't know you cared. The next day, I get the same exact email from Benny Levy. Thanks Benny, but I'm already in a relationship. It is, however, flattering to know that I make you wet.
Geez. Geez plus yuk.
So that's my spambox. 99.9% of the time, it goes completely unread. But on that rare occasion when the right email gets diverted to the wrong place, I have to go in there. Personally, I'd rather route through the garbage. At least I don't have to read crap like this:
"So once wear best shoe second sign.Log string many parent thin write obtain asked was lend.She gray bring exist lady.Himself island world suggest accept party mention substance.Often sand warm suffix human days gentle crease along carry.Sell prevent correct brought animals were wonder metal moment."
Bravo, Hadley. Well done. Another pile of poetic poo. I want to write like you and look like Ron Jeremy. NOT!
Still got your stomach? Check in tomorrow for our first ever FOOD issue!!! YUCK....I mean....YUM!!!!
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