By Imbecile Magazine Political Correspondent I.B. Lyon.
When Barack Obama wanted to court the support of former rival Hillary Clinton, he chose a unique location to make the announcement: Unity, New Hampshire. Then, in response to attacks on his patriotism, the candidate flew to Independence, Missouri, to refute charges that he was anything less than a true blue American.
This recent pattern of picking locations that reflect Obama's message is the newest invention in his unprecedented run for the White House. Imbecile Magazine has learned that Obama is planning a number of future events in other cities -- all chosen because of their names. Next week, Obama is planning to unveil his long awaited plan for universal health care in Medical Lake, Washington. He plans to make a widespread appeal to gays and lesbians in the small town of Dykesville, Wisconsin. His federal sex education agenda will be released in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
"People respond strongly to symbols," said one Obama staffer. "If the location reflects the message, the message has more of an impact."
GOP officials, however, say the tactic is just the another gimmick that will soon lose its appeal.
"If Obama was really genuine about it, he would choose more appropriate venues," said one John McCain supporter. "For instance, when he criticizes John McCain for his support of the Iraq war, he should make the announcement from either Coward, South Carolina or Dead Horse, Alaska."
Other GOP strategists predict Obama's strategy could backfire.
"What happens when he starts dropping in the polls? Is he going to hold a last minute rally in Poop Creek, Oregon?" said Sharon Diggs, a Republican party official. "I guess he'll stand there without a paddle, ha!"
Officially, the Obama campaign won't release the locations of future events beyond Intercourse, Pa. However, sources say the campaign does have a number of locations being held in reserve.
"When this campaign starts turning negative, and believe me it will, you can bet he will be speaking from some interesting places," said Willie Makeit, an Obama campaign official. "I wouldn't be surprised to see Barack responding to McCain's attacks from places like Dirty Liar, Arizona, or Falsehood, New Mexico."
Makeit says the campaign has already reserved space in towns which it believes the McCain campaign previously planned to use to launch its own platforms.
"We were proactive," said Makeit. "We acted early and put a hold on some of the premium towns --like Takeswontoonowon, Louisiana and Eyenoyooarbotwutami, Mississippi. These are the perfect places to respond to John McCain's negative attacks."
Reached at a campaign stop near an old Russian mining community in Western Pennsylvania, John McCain declined to comment on Obama's latest ploy.
"I'm focusing on substance, not flash and gimmicks," said McCain after delivering a speech at the tiny Eastern Orthodox Church in Visheyethotovthat, population 86.
Imbecile Magazine has obtained the Obama campaign schedule for the next three months. As shown below, each location will reflect the candidate's position.
Upcoming Schedule for Barack Obama
1. "Change" defined -- Crappo, Maryland
2. America's Universal Health Care Plan -- Medical Lake, Washington
3. Obama's Military policy (Iraq and Afghanistan) -- Along the Nile River, Egypt (aka "de Nile")
4. Corrupt campaign contributors -- Embarrass, Minnesota
5. My wife's role in the White House -- Big Onion, New York
Editor's Note: OK. I know we promised to bring you that Road Rules quiz today but we never thought I.B. Lyon would ever come up with an interesting story. He told us he was going to cover the issues and to that, naturally, we said: Yawwwn! But I.B. actually came up with something that matches the quality of what we at Imbecile Magazine have come to expect. So the Road Rules quiz will be tomorrow. You have my word (for whatever that's worth).
No comments:
Post a Comment