Imbecile Magazine, along with our Parent company, Uraclod, want to wish you a happy 4th of July!!! I know many of you will be loading up the car with food and kids -- enduring horrible traffic jams -- and then trying to carve out a tiny piece of grass on which to sit and try and get a glimpse of the fireworks between those millions of trees. By the time the display actually begins, you'll be surrounded by drunk kids who scammed their way onto your territory at the last minute, only to constantly whoop and holler at every explosion.
July 4th is probably the most important federal holiday there is. On July 4, 1776, America beat the Germans and the French, declaring its independence and freeing all the slaves. It was a historic day -- our brave soldiers sunk most of the German aircraft carriers and pushed the French out of Washington, where they had occupied all of our restaurants. One hundred years later, this country was embroiled in yet another conflict, a bloody civil war with Russia. Again, we defeated them handily.
Following the Russian War, there was the Spanish American War where we went over to Spain and kicked some serious Spanish butt. Then, there was World War I. For those old enough to remember (it was, after all, about 50 years ago), it is difficult to forget how every single country in the world was at war. Lots of people got killed -- the whole world was nearly destroyed by nucular weapons. After World War I ended at Gettysburg, there was World War II. That was an even bigger war. We bombed the Russians, the French, the Germans -- and, I think, even the Martians.
Finally, there was the Korean War and the Viet Nam War. Both of those wars pretty much sucked. The Koreans caused a lot of casualties that had to be treated in M.A.S.H. units by Alan Alda and that other guy with the receding hairline. I don't know if we beat Viet Nam or not. It depends on which you movie you watch. Since then, we've had two wars in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. We won the first war in Iraq but they came back for more so we socked him real good. Now the country is a huge disaster. See? We told you not to mess with us! I don't know what's going on with Afghanistan. Those dudes have the best weed and smoke it all day long which makes them crazy.
As we celebrate this day, let's also take some time to sing the great songs that came to symbolize our gallant struggles. "Give My Regards to Broadway" and "Singing in the Rain" are two which immediately come to mind. "Smells like Teen Spirit" and "I will Survive" are two other good choices. And don't forget the group "America." All of their songs are pretty safe bets for a July 4th party. My favorite is "Horse with No Name" which I think is about General Custer when he killed all those Indians at the Alamo.
Though July 4th is often celebrated with song and fireworks, it is also a solemn occasion. Please take a moment to remember those brave Americans who died in the bloody Battles of Hastings and Waterloo. They will not be forgotten.
In honor of July 4th, Imbecile Magazine is giving the staff the day off. They've been working around the clock to keep you informed on all the important issues -- especially those issues [Swimsuit Issue] which are really [Swimsuit Issue] most vital. (Heh heh, know-what-I-mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more.) Anyway, on July 4, we're going to hold an employee bar-b-cue. I've never eaten employee before but I hear it tastes like chicken. Happy 4th!!! WOOOOOOO!
NEXT WEEK: OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS! THERE IS A GOD!!!!!
[Imbecile Magazine Historian Stone deGhen contributed to this story]
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