Hey, honey -- What's that crazy bicycle guy doing? I don't know, dear, perhaps he's trying to weave in between two cars -- neither of which can see him. Why is he doing that, honey? Maybe he's trying to prove how swiftly he can get from one place to another, you know, to show us how stupid we are for choosing to travel by automobile. But isn't that dangerous, honey, weaving in and out narrow spaces, running through stop signs, racing through traffic lights -- isn't that unsafe? Yes, it is, dear. It is very dangerous, dear. What's that sound, honey? That's the sound of roadkill, dear. That's the sound of an idiot cyclist getting squished between two cars.
In Washington, D.C., whenever a pedestrian or bicyclist is killed, police resort to the same old platitude -- Drivers Need to Share the Road. Almost without exception, when a car or truck comes into contact with a bicyclist or pedestrian -- the driver is blamed. The cyclist or pedestrian is immediately presumed, and forever declared, to be the innocent victim. While the driver is immediately vilified and crucified.
First of all, let's get a few things straight. Washington D.C. is not friggin Venice, Italy. It is a city of roads -- roads that were designed for motorized vehicles. On those roads, they have drawn lanes. By coincidence, these lanes quite rightly approximate the shapes of cars, trucks, and buses -- not people or bicycles. Also, by coincidence, these lanes are punctuated by stoplights and/or stop signs and other traffic devices that generally apply only to drivers. In fact, before venturing out into these roads, all drivers are required to know all the applicable laws that pertain to these roads, as well as their respective lanes, stop signs, stoplights, and all other fascinating traffic devices.
To the contrary, the exalted pedestrian and/or bicyclist is not required to take any kind of a test before attempting to utilize these grand inventions known as streets. From what I can gather, if a bicyclist chooses to obey stop signs, stoplights, and other fascinating traffic devices -- bully for him. Same goes for the prized and ever superior pedestrian. Yes, there are a few rules that may (arguably) apply to members of these two privileged classes. But these violations are rarely noted, must less enforced.
So, as a result, the burden to take care of these pedestrians and bicyclists -- hereinafter referred to as "pedestricylists" -- has fallen on the poor driver. The pedestricyclist is just too damn wonderful to have to take on any responsibility for his own safety. He's just too preoccupied operating his legs and hands and that highly technical, two-wheeled contraption called a bike. The driver, on the other hand, merely has to worry about managing a two-ton piece of machinery that no laymen can understand or fix -- a mechanical, computerized device that, when engaged, drowns out most of the sounds around him and obscures his view of all but the most rudimentary of angles. You can see, therefore, why the driver is in the best possible position to avoid a collision with the pedestricyclist -- much like the Boeing 767 is more suited to avoid hitting an errant sea gull.
So, Drivers -- Share the Road! And that's an order! When you're driving straight ahead -- look ahead. But also look to your left and right. And don't forget, look behind you at all times. If you can't see everything in your rear view or side mirrors, and you can't, then turn around and look behind you! But don't take your eyes off of what's in front of you. God no! And make sure you constantly monitor your right and left. I think I said that already, but I can't say it enough. Oh, and another thing, make sure you are a freakin fly? You're going to need eyeballs that wrap completely around your head.
In Washington, D.C., whenever a pedestrian or bicyclist is killed, police resort to the same old platitude -- Drivers Need to Share the Road. Almost without exception, when a car or truck comes into contact with a bicyclist or pedestrian -- the driver is blamed. The cyclist or pedestrian is immediately presumed, and forever declared, to be the innocent victim. While the driver is immediately vilified and crucified.
First of all, let's get a few things straight. Washington D.C. is not friggin Venice, Italy. It is a city of roads -- roads that were designed for motorized vehicles. On those roads, they have drawn lanes. By coincidence, these lanes quite rightly approximate the shapes of cars, trucks, and buses -- not people or bicycles. Also, by coincidence, these lanes are punctuated by stoplights and/or stop signs and other traffic devices that generally apply only to drivers. In fact, before venturing out into these roads, all drivers are required to know all the applicable laws that pertain to these roads, as well as their respective lanes, stop signs, stoplights, and all other fascinating traffic devices.
To the contrary, the exalted pedestrian and/or bicyclist is not required to take any kind of a test before attempting to utilize these grand inventions known as streets. From what I can gather, if a bicyclist chooses to obey stop signs, stoplights, and other fascinating traffic devices -- bully for him. Same goes for the prized and ever superior pedestrian. Yes, there are a few rules that may (arguably) apply to members of these two privileged classes. But these violations are rarely noted, must less enforced.
So, as a result, the burden to take care of these pedestrians and bicyclists -- hereinafter referred to as "pedestricylists" -- has fallen on the poor driver. The pedestricyclist is just too damn wonderful to have to take on any responsibility for his own safety. He's just too preoccupied operating his legs and hands and that highly technical, two-wheeled contraption called a bike. The driver, on the other hand, merely has to worry about managing a two-ton piece of machinery that no laymen can understand or fix -- a mechanical, computerized device that, when engaged, drowns out most of the sounds around him and obscures his view of all but the most rudimentary of angles. You can see, therefore, why the driver is in the best possible position to avoid a collision with the pedestricyclist -- much like the Boeing 767 is more suited to avoid hitting an errant sea gull.
So, Drivers -- Share the Road! And that's an order! When you're driving straight ahead -- look ahead. But also look to your left and right. And don't forget, look behind you at all times. If you can't see everything in your rear view or side mirrors, and you can't, then turn around and look behind you! But don't take your eyes off of what's in front of you. God no! And make sure you constantly monitor your right and left. I think I said that already, but I can't say it enough. Oh, and another thing, make sure you are a freakin fly? You're going to need eyeballs that wrap completely around your head.
Ok, enough with the sarcasm. I'll bet some of you pedestricyclists are so uptight you thought I was serious. Well, get over yourselves. Let me give you five words of advice that are guaranteed to save your life. Stay-Away-From-Freakin-Cars!
If you see one of us in front of you, pull the hell back. If you see two of us in front of you, stay the hell away! If you see two of us on adjacent lanes and you're thinking about cutting in between us. Don't! And then slap yourself for thinking so stupid!
If you're riding in the middle of the lane and you hear one us of coming up behind you -- move over. If you think there's a chance we're going to hit you after you move over, stop and take cover like a frightened bunny. If you think you're superior to us and want to show off how well you move through traffic by swerving in and out of the lanes in front of us -- stop and check yourself into a mental institution. Enough of your crazy talk! I don't care if you sucking up all the greenhouse gases on the planet or personally reversing global warming. I don't care how many polar bears or spotted owls or horny toads you save --That's crazy talk! If you think that a casual encounter with four tons of steel won't turn until a lifetime of sucking through a straw -- you obviously don't need that goofy FTD man helmet because there's obviously nothing left to protect.
Ditto goes for all you pedestrijerks. And let me add one more thing--you know that cute little trick you like to pull when you're with your friends? Where you walk out in front of traffic to make all the cars stop? KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! Believe me, you're not going to have any friends after you get flattened on the pavement. The only posse you're going to have is a team of doctors and nurses all pleading with your family members to either pull the plug or plant you in the garden with the Japanese Eggplant.
If you see one of us in front of you, pull the hell back. If you see two of us in front of you, stay the hell away! If you see two of us on adjacent lanes and you're thinking about cutting in between us. Don't! And then slap yourself for thinking so stupid!
If you're riding in the middle of the lane and you hear one us of coming up behind you -- move over. If you think there's a chance we're going to hit you after you move over, stop and take cover like a frightened bunny. If you think you're superior to us and want to show off how well you move through traffic by swerving in and out of the lanes in front of us -- stop and check yourself into a mental institution. Enough of your crazy talk! I don't care if you sucking up all the greenhouse gases on the planet or personally reversing global warming. I don't care how many polar bears or spotted owls or horny toads you save --That's crazy talk! If you think that a casual encounter with four tons of steel won't turn until a lifetime of sucking through a straw -- you obviously don't need that goofy FTD man helmet because there's obviously nothing left to protect.
Ditto goes for all you pedestrijerks. And let me add one more thing--you know that cute little trick you like to pull when you're with your friends? Where you walk out in front of traffic to make all the cars stop? KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF! Believe me, you're not going to have any friends after you get flattened on the pavement. The only posse you're going to have is a team of doctors and nurses all pleading with your family members to either pull the plug or plant you in the garden with the Japanese Eggplant.
So Peace, brother -- and stay away from friggin cars!
MONDAY: Ever read your own spam? Yeah, I know it sounds gross and believe me -- it is!
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