In Final Minutes, Imbeciles Screamed Like Babies; Preliminary Reports Indicate Victims Were Not Tough Guys After All

Early reports of last week's terrifying ocean plunge that killed four imbeciles indicate that the all four victims cried like little babies as they helplessly drowned. Fuking Beach Police report that the victims' car, a 1990 Ford Escort, which was modified to look as ridiculous as possible, careened over Dumass Cliff last week when the driver failed to heed a "Road Ends" sign. Police say the imbeciles were apparently fooled by a earlier sign that read: "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" and, as a result, ignored the "Danger: Road Ends" sign at the end of Geronimo Road.

Though autopsies have yet to be performed, witnesses say the imbeciles screamed for mercy as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor. The victims, who called themselves "Gangstas" and played violent rap music at deafening volumes in otherwise quiet neighborhoods, purported to be "badasses" who should be feared by all.

"They acted like tough guys, but, in reality, they were a bunch of wimps," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "When we pulled them out of the water, all four of them had soiled their britches."

According to relatives, none of the victims was able to swim. Nor did they have the sense to tread water for even two minutes until rescue crews arrived.

"They panicked like little babies, crying for their mommies," said Deputy Donutz. "It was embarrassing."

Approximately one hour prior to the crash, the victims had been cruising Geronimo Road, ogling young girls and threatening passersby. One resident said the imbeciles had been waving gang signs.

"They said something like 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that," said Bill Oni. "Next thing you know they're floating in the ocean, peeing all over themselves. God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?"

The mother of one victim recalls signing her son up for swimming lessons several years ago, but then learning that he constantly cut class in order to hang out with his "home boys" and smoke "the chronic."

"He said he was 'too cool for the pool,'" she said. "I think he was just embarrassed because he looked horrible in a bathing suit. He was more comfortable wearing those saggy pants with his underpants sticking out the back."

The pool lifeguard remembers the boy coming to class on the first day, then abruptly leaving.

"He wanted to wear a backwards baseball cap and a giant long sleeve flannel shirt in the water," said Al Depantzya, Senior Lifeguard. "I told him 'no' and he made some gang sign and jumped in a red car with loud music playing. I think he said something like, 'I gonna get you sucka' or some crap like that."