Police Say Alcohol, Stupidity Played Role In Beach Crash

A spokesman for the Fuking Beach County Sheriff's Department confirmed today that alcohol and stupidity played significant roles in last week's crash that severely injured four imbeciles. Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz said numerous beer bottles were found at the crash scene, which was was located approximately 200 feet below the site where the imbeciles careened over a steep cliff at the end of Geronimo Road.

According to Deputy Donutz, the 1990 Ford Escort, which had been modified to look as ridiculous as possible, went over Dumass Cliff, which is heavily marked with signs warning drivers that the road is ending.

"I reckon they just didn't see the sign," said Deputy Donutz. "They just having a good ole time and not paying attention to nothing."

All four imbeciles remain in intensive care in critical condition at Hope Ya Dysoon Hospital in Fucking Beach. Though none of the imbeciles showed any brain activity as of last night, doctors are not particularly alarmed.

"We've compared some of the CTSCANs with prior ones and noticed there was no change," said Dr. Al "Berry" Yoo. "In my opinion, the lack of brain activity was a pre-existing condition and can't really be blamed on the accident."

This morning, police said they found flowers scattered around the crash site. Originally, they thought well wishers were erecting a small memorial for the victims, but it was later learned that the flowers were the result of a romantic squabble that occurred several hours before the car went over the cliff.

"This guy brought his girlfriend some flowers to the beach," said Deputy Donutz. "But then he tried to get her to take her top off, so she told him to take the flowers and shove 'em and tossed them on the ground. Turns out it had nothing to do with the crash at all!"

The victims' acquaintances describe them as loud, obnoxious, and immature. Some said privately that the crash couldn't have happened to a bigger bunch of annoying idiots.

"It's weird," said one ex-friend of the driver, who asked not to be identified. "You see morons like that driving down the road and you start fantasizing about how cool it would be if they suddenly went over a cliff. Well, now you have it."