At least one of the victims of last week's deadly ocean plunge was not the "gangsta" he purported to be. Rather, Theodore T. Twinkleton or "G-Spot," as he like to be called, was a big sissy who often suffered the taunts of young girls, one of whom gave him a very public and embarassing wedgie at Venice Beach six months ago. As new details emerge about the four imbeciles whose car careened over Dumbass Cliff, a much different portrait is being painted of the victims than the one the victims attempted to present themselves.
In sharp contrast to their frequent displays of rude behavior and violent posturing, the imbeciles who died last week were true cowards, according to those who knew them the best. For instance, as their car slowly sank to the ocean floor, they screamed like little babies, calling out for their "mommies" to come save them. Divers who recovered the vehicle report that the car was found in relatively shallow waters, which raises numerous questions about the imbeciles' total inability to save themselves.
"That car was in just six feet of water," said Deputy C. Hunt, captain of the Fuking Beach Police Rescue Diving Team. "Those boys freaked out for no reason."
Though autopsy results have not been made public, sources say the coroner has listed the cause of death as "drowning caused by unecessary panicking and generally being a big, fat wimp."
"Even the medical examiner couldn't explain it," said Deputy Hunt. "You have four, supposedly able bodied boys, none of whom can swim a lick and all of whom are crying their eyes out and soiling themselves."
Though few of the victims' relatives have come forward to provide background information on the imbeciles, the sister of one victim, Terri Twinkleton, did agree to be interviewed about her brother, Theodore, who is circled in the photo below.
"He acted like, tough and mean and cool and all," she said. "But underneath he was like, a big sissy."
Twinkleton recalled one incident at Venice Beach approximately six months ago during which her brother received an "atomic wedgie" from a petite female whom he and his "gang members" had been ogling.
"The girl's boyfriend was like, going to clean his clock and like, she stepped in. She like, knocked him to his knees and like, pulled his boxers way over his head. He was like, sobbing like a little baby. The girl's boyfriend was like, laughing his ass off."
Many residents believed the imbeciles were dangerous characters because of the way they acted and dressed. Some believed that they were attempting to embody the characters in the violent rap songs that they often blasted out of their car windows.
"If I'd know these guys were such wimps, I would have knocked their fake gold teeth down their throats," said one resident. "They were so annoying."
Though police are still investigating the accident, they have already concluded that the imbeciles ignored the "Road Ends: Danger" sign at the end of Geronimo Road and went over the cliff. Apparently, someone put up a hoax sign which read "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead." Police speculate that someone intended to trick the imbeciles into going over the cliff and into the ocean.
"They tricked them alright," said Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz. "Though I can't say it was all that hard. They were, after all, a bunch of imbeciles."
Deputy Donutz says police have interviewed hundreds of residents who may have seen the person put up the "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead" sign. However, none would agree to provide statements.
"I guess that guy is now some kind of a hero seeing that he got rid of these idiots once and for all. Perhaps this crime is best left unsolved. I don't know."
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