Brett Favre Had History of Trying to Get Old Jobs Back

As the Green Bay Packers decide whether to reinstate "retired" quarterback Brett Favre, Imbecile Magazine has uncovered exclusive information about the former QB's past, which shows a pattern of Favre quitting jobs and then begging to come back.

In an exclusive story by Imbecile Magazine Sports Reporter Jacques Strap, Favre is portrayed as a man who has struggled his whole life with second guessing his personal career decisions. From his stint as a soda jerk at Arby's to Spokesman for Preparation H, Favre has consistently changed his mind -- often when it was too late.

"I remember when he worked behind the counter here," said Lou Zur, manager at the Arby's in Kiln, Mississippi, Favre's hometown. "He got really upset because I made him work a double shift and told me to take the job and shove it. Two days later, he was knocking on the back door with his tail between his legs."

Favre also had academic difficulties at the University of Southern Mississippi, where he attended college and played football.

"My God, that boy submitted more add/drop slips than anyone I had ever seen in my life," said Lois Point, Dean of Academic Affairs at USM. "He changed his major ten times -- then wanted to change it back to his original major. He just couldn't decide."

After Favre turned pro, he was offered numerous endorsements. But the offer from Preparation H caused him the most inner turmoil.

"At first he worried that it would harm his image," said Mya S. Hertz, head of public relations.

"But he went ahead and signed the contract. After a few weeks, he wanted out and we agreed. He said all the worry was giving him hemorrhoids so we gave him an economy size tube and sent him on his way."

Though Favre has refused to speak to reporters about his "un-retirement," he did agree to meet this reporter for an off-the-record-deep-background interview. So we met at a local pub and Favre ordered a beer.

"Change that to a scotch and soda," he said to the waiter, holding back his tears. "On second thought, I shouldn't be drinking. Just bring me a coke. Do you have Diet Coke? Make that a Sprite. With a twist. Or maybe lemonade. Do you have any fruit punch?"

Indian Customer Service Representatives Are Boon to Consumers

The trend toward outsourcing customer service to businesses in India has apparently resulted in increased satisfaction among American consumers, according to a recent poll. Out of a thousand U.S. customers surveyed, at least 80% report they are delighted with the attention they receive from representatives in India as opposed to their U.S. counterparts.

"This is great news for industries that took a chance and outsourced their customer service divisions" said I.B. Lyon, president and CEO of Insult Airlines.

Asked if they received better attention from employees based in India, 75% responded yes. Many attributed the increased satisfaction to the ability of India employees to sympathize with the needs of American consumers.

"I was complaining because the airline switched my seat," said one consumer. "I told the guy: how would you feel is you chose an aisle and they moved you to a window? I was really pissed. Though the guy said he'd never been on an airplane once in his life, he was really sympathetic and explained to me that there was nothing the airline could do. Now I understand the big picture."

In cases were customers had disputes with the company, many said they were surprised that the Indian customer service employee was so willing to apologize.

"They changed my flight four times and eventually cancelled my entire itinerary," said one respondent. "But the nice lady in Bombay said she was very, very, very sorry. When I hung up, I didn't feel so bad even though I had to plan the whole trip over again at a much greater cost."

Other consumers appreciate the fact that the Indian customer service representative will never hang up on them, no matter how irate they become.

"I was screaming all kinds of racist and ethnic epithets at this one guy and he just took it," said one customer. "It felt good to get it all out even though the company didn't budge one inch. I still got screwed big time but at least I let the Indian guy really have it."

Many high tech companies have employed firms in India to help customers with technical software and hardware problems.

"I couldn't get an Internet connection so I called what I thought was an American company," said one man who took the survey. "I found out that I was connected with this guy in India and it was three in the morning where he was. He walked me through the same steps that I had performed ten times before I called him. I never did get on the Internet and actually hurled my computer out of the window. When he heard the crash, he told me to have a nice day and asked if there was any other assistance he could provide. That's when I jumped out of the window. These guys are so calm."

Stock Market Volatility Blamed On Lack of Investor Confidence

According to a leading economic research firm, the volatility in today's stock market may be related to the lack of confidence among investors. As reported in today's "News U Can Lose," the current bear market may be the result of widespread uncertainty about the future of many businesses.

"Our data shows that many investors are concerned that corporations will not continue to grow," said Wadja Jackov, a leading economic analyst who commissioned the study. "When this happens, the economic indicators start to look negative and, as a result, investment drops."

The ground breaking study seeks to explain why stocks have dramatically declined in value over the last few months. The research firm: Jackov, Emory, Rodger, and Kraft (JERK) concluded that investors are less confident.

"People just aren't buying stocks at higher prices," said Jackov. "Instead, they are selling them for fear that the market will go even lower."

According to the JERK study, there is a direct relationship between jittery investors and lower stock prices. When fewer investors are willing to buy stocks, prices drop.

"Fortunately, the results of this study will shed more light on the mystery behind market volatility. For the first time, we're beginning to understand what's happening," said Jackov.

House Approves Aid For Consumers Who Really Blew It

A wide sweeping package of federal housing relief passed the House Friday, bringing hope to the millions of consumers who foolishly overextended themselves by purchasing homes they couldn't possibly afford. The bill promises to stave off foreclosure for Americans who took out ridiculously large sub-prime mortgages, finally relieving them of all responsibility for their own actions.

"We need to protect the most vulnerable homeowners," said Senator Blee Ding Hart (D-California), "Gone are the days when consumers are burdened with having to bear the consequences of their own foolish decisions."

The bill's drafters replaced the word "borrower" with "victim" and shifted 100% of the blame for the mortgage crisis on mortgage brokers, who are referred to as "devils."

"These criminals encouraged homeowners to take out these huge loans," said Hart. "Even though they disclosed the terms of these sub-prime mortgages -- they should have known that their customers would be so excited about owning a home that they wouldn't pay attention to the realities of the transaction."

In a last minute amendment to the bill, Congress also approved a measure that would provide relief to compulsive shoppers carrying huge credit card debt.

"Consumers are bombarded with credit card offers," said Hart. "Credit cards are easy to get and once consumers receive the cards, it's easy to buy lots of merchandise and run up huge bills. It's a vicious cycle in which the consumer is victimized twice -- first by the credit card company and then by the evil merchant whose only motivation is to make money!"

Congress had hoped to amend the bill by adding a provision that would have provided similar relief to gamblers. However, that amendment failed by a slim margin. Lawmakers compromised by adding a measure that permits gamblers to claim up to a $100,000 annual tax credit for gambling losses provided they can show they suffered from "bad luck."

The terms of the bill require taxpayers to make monthly payments for any homeowner facing foreclosure. Taxpayers also have to pay off any credit card debt that exceeds $5000 over a six month period. Critics say the bill amounts to a "free ride" for the most irresponsible of Americans.

"Free ride?" said Hart. "You want to talk about a free ride? For the last twenty years, taxpayers have not had to pay a cent to fund their neighbors' delinquent mortgages or overdue credit card bills. The taxpayer's free ride is over, and thank God for that!"

Obama Adored In Berlin; Draws Huge Crowd

In an attempt to secure the German vote in this year's presidential election, presumptive Democrat Party nominee Barack Obama wowed audiences in Berlin, Germany, yesterday, with his fiery rhetoric and aggressive speech style.

The candidate came to Berlin hoping to upstage earlier appearances by presidents Kennedy and Reagan and apparently succeeded, say many in the audience.

"He eez a greet leader," said Kernal Klink, one of the members of the audience, which numbered in the hundreds of thousands. "Vee Germans are goot at peeking greet leaders, you know."

One lady in the audience said she was so impressed with Obama that she fainted.

"He eez amazing, dat Obama," said Elsa Dusseldork. "I vant dat he should be Chancellor of Germany! I vant dat I should have his children for him."

Though Obama said nothing of substance during his speech, his rhetorical style and hand gestures thrilled the crowd, which has grown weary of low key German politicians. Overhead, a replica of the World War I flyer Red Baron carried a banner which read: "Die Snoopy!" -- apparently a reference to the Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown's pet beagle imagines he is in an aerial dogfight with a German pilot.

"Personally, I find that cartoon offensive and tasteless," Obama told the crowd. "It's time to start breaking down the walls which divide us. In fact, I was recently the victim of a vicious attack by the New Yorker."

If elected president, Obama promised the German crowd that he will ban all negative depictions of Germans in American media.

"Hogan's Heroes is toast," he promised. "I also want to get rid of these films that depict the Germans as cruel monsters. I'm sure it wasn't all that bad."

During his visit, Obama was asked about comparisons between World War II and the current conflict in Iraq. Asked if he would have favored American non-intervention in Germany, he said he would have concentrated his efforts on fighting the Japanese instead of the Germans.

"Just like the 911 terrorists, the Japanese were the ones who attacked us," he said. "I don't know why we got involved in D-Day in the first place. I mean, the Germans didn't do anything to us."

"We love you," the German crowd responded back.

One German supporter asked the nominee whether he would consider moving Republicans into concentration camps. Obama said he would take the proposal under advisement.

After his speech, Obama travelled to the site of the former Berlin Wall, which he vowed to help reconstruct.

"Years of neglect and vandalism have eroded this great monument," he said. "Like the Chinese, the Germans take pride in their wall and America is willing to step in and help them rebuild it."

For Obama, Germany was definitely friendly territory. However, he still has to win several "swing-countries" like France and Great Britain. In Paris today, Obama met briefly with President Nicolas Sarkozy, who asked Obama if he would be willing to lift the informal ban on French Fries and French Toast. Currently, both are referred to as "Freedom Fries" and "Freedom Toast."

"France and the United States are allies," he said. "We need to tear down the walls that divide us."

Meanwhile, Obama's Republican rival John McCain mocked the candidate by visiting a German restaurant in Ohio.

"How many electoral votes does he think he's going to get in France and Germany?" queried McCain. "What a waste of time."

While Obama was grabbing headlines in Europe, McCain had hoped to steal some of his thunder by holding a news event on an offshore oil rig next to a giant fuel spill. Unfortunately, due to bad weather, the event was cancelled.

"I thought the American public would love to know that I support off shore oil drilling. I was going to explain that the giant spill was not the result of off shore drilling even though it was a giant oil spill. I wouldn't want to injure the public's perception of off shore drilling. It's a very promising solution to our current oil crisis."

Candidate Cranky and Tired from European Tour; Advisors Say Nap is Needed

Presumptive Democratic Nominee Barack Obama is reportedly tired and extremely cranky after his whirlwind tour of the Middle East and Europe. On several occasions, observers say, Obama burst into tears and became extremely fussy and uncooperative.

Though campaign staffers say Obama simply needs a nap, experts believe he actually suffered from severe culture shock during his Mideast and European jaunts. For instance, the candidate was quite shocked to learn that most of the peoples' he visisted did not speak English.

"Speaking through a translator was difficult for him," said one campaign staffer. "His smart-aleck comebacks just don't have the same effect when someone has to repeat them in two or three different languages."

Obama was also frustrated during his meetings with Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Though he promised to guarantee Israel's security, he also promised a viable Palestinian State which includes giving back territory to the Palestinians.

"I think we can work out a solution by which Israel can remain safely surrounded by neighbors that continuously work toward and plot its eventual obliteration," said the candidate to a group of hard line Israelis who erupted in hysterical laughter.

"This guy cracks me up," said Hyman Rothschild, a native New Yorker who moved to Israel 20 years ago. "He should get his own HBO special!"

Obama also reiterated his call for withdrawing troops from Iraq while bolstering America's presence in Afghanistan.

"We need to keep pursuing Osama Bin Laden," he announced in Paris while standing in front of a a statue of Inspector Javert, the character from Victor Hugo's Les Miserables who endlessly pursues Jean Valjean. "We must search for him and bring him to justice."

In Germany, Obama was also hoping to make a big impression with a moving speech similar to those delivered by presidents Kennedy and Reagan. However, according to staffers, all the good lines were taken.

"First, he wanted to say 'I am a citizen of Berlin' but that had already been used," said one staffer. "Then, he wanted to call on Gorbachev to 'tear down this wall' but the wall was torn down almost 20 years ago and Gorbachev doesn't even live in Russia anymore. Finally, we settled on something that the Germans would appreciate."

"You guys make great beer," Obama proclaimed, standing in front of the Hofbrau House in Munich. "And sausages, too!"

Unfortunately, the trip took a disastrous turn when Obama reached Paris, where he realized that the French had lost interest in him. Particularly shocking was the fact that he failed to make the cover of the popular French magazine, Paris Match, which featured French President Nicholas Sarkozy and his new bride, Carla Bruni, a former fashion model.

"I wanna be on tha cub-ber," cried the candidate. "Why can't I be on tha cub-ber? Waaaaah!"

Obama was also criticized for his continued use of gimmicky backdrops from which to hold news conferences. During one particular event in Jordan, for instance, he stood in front of a statute of Hercules.

"I guess he was trying to show he is strong," said one Obama critic. "But in truth, Hercules could kick his ass. Maybe he should hold an event in front of the statue of Ethelred the Unready, Simon the Waffler, or Frankie Flip-Flop."

Obama was hoping that this trip would demonstrate his command of foreign policy. Both he and John McCain have been criticized for their recent gaffes. After McCain made several references to Czechoslovakia, a country which no longer exists, Obama spoke about the "President of Canada." Canada, he learned later, does not have a president.

"I want Americans to know that I understand this world -- the entire world. We are the greatest planet in the universe -- better than Mars, the moon, or even the Sun."

Eat, Drink, and Be an Imbecile! Our Food Issue! YUM!!!!

Today's imbecile is a man on the go. But he craves quality food. Gone are the days when the imbecile was content to woof down handfuls of cheetos and wash them down with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. This is the 21st century. The modern imbecile has more refined needs, and better taste.

So, to ease the Imbecile into the next food millennium, Imbecile Magazine Food Editor Eaton Buggs has come up with some tasty, nourishing recipes which are sure to put a wider smile on the Imbecile's s*** eating grin. Here they are:

Recipe 1 -- The Imbecileburger

Ingredients

1 gigantic beef patty
8 oz. of Kraft Artificial Imitation Cheesefood
1/2 head of Iceberg lettuce
1 Whole onion
1 whole tomato
2 tablespoons Ketchup
2 tablespoons French's Yellow Mustard in a super saver squeeze bottle
1 Gigantic hamburger bun

Cook beef patty thoroughly in a large skillet under high heat. Since you're an imbecile, don't even go for medium or medium rare. Cook it to death until it's so hard you can't punch your finger through it.

Once the patty is hard as a rock, place slices of the cheesefood on the burger until they melt. Don't worry, they'll melt perfectly. It's all chemicals.

Take patty out of pan and place it on an open face bun.

Take lettuce and peel off a few leaves. Place these leaves on the patty in a bed formation.

Slice tomato. Get mom to do this. You're an imbecile and can't be trusted with sharp objects. Take tomato slices and place on bed of lettuce.

Slice onion. Get mom to do this, too. Place slices of onion on top of tomato slices.

Spread mustard and ketchup on bun.

Shove the big gloppy mess in your face and enjoy, you gluttonous pig!

Recipe 2 -- Imbecilestew

Scratch this one. It's too complicated for an idiot like yourself.

Recipe 3 -- Imbecile Ice Coffee

Ingredients:

Coffee
Ice
Glass

Make a pot of hot coffee. Pour over a glass full of ice. Ha ha! All the ice is gone! Idiot! You should have let the coffee cool and then put it in the refrigerator for a few hours. What a clod!

Recipe 4 -- Imbecile French fries

Ingredients

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper

In a large skillet, fill with vegetable oil until oil is about 4 inches deep. Place over high heat. As the oil heats up, you will see a trace of black smoke. As soon as oil begins to shoot up into flames, call the fire department and tell them you're burning down the house. Ask them to stop and pick up a large order of fries from McDonalds before they come over.

Recipe 5 -- Imbecile Lobster Thermidor

Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Like you were going to make something that had more than 3 syllables in the name. Right!

Recipe 6 -- Imbecile Smoked Ham

Ingrediants:

Vegetable oil
3 Idaho potatoes, peeled and sliced
Salt and pepper
1 large ham

Follow directions for Receipe 4. While house is slowing burning to ground, place ham in basement, uncovered. It will take on that delicious smoky flavor that comes from being around burning wood and other building materials. Yum!