Part II: Gene Simmons Exclusive!!!

Ok. We admit that things got a little rocky (no pun intended, Ha!) when our entertainment correspondent Reid Ard tried to interview former KISS frontman and Rock and Roll legend Gene Simmons. Apparently, Reid wasn't aware that he was supposed to read Simmons' new book prior to the interview. As a result, Gene give him the big KISS-off (yes, pun intended, Ha!) and the interview was cut prematurely short.

But have no fear. We at Imbecile Magazine are journalists first and idiots second. We would never let a big fish like Gene Simmons get off the Imbecile Magazine hook. Not when we have him right where we want him -- in the Imbecile Magazine Newsroom! So here's part II of our exclusive chat with Simmons -- conducted by yours truly!

Dim Whitt
Senior Editor

D.W.: Ok, now that the dust has settled. I want to thank you for giving us another chance here at Imbecile Magazine. I'm glad that we could reach an agreement as to the terms of the interview.
G.S.: (counting) 14...15...16...17...18...19...Hey, you're short by a hundred! You said two grand for the hour!
D.W.: Oh, sorry about that. Here you go. (pause) Anyway, we're going to talk about your latest book, Ladies of the Night, but first I'd like to go back and talk about the early years of what many people consider to be the greatest rock and roll band of all time.
G.S.: Lord help me.
D.W.: How did you come up with the name "KISS?"
G.S.: Wow! That's a fascinating question! Did you come up with that one yourself or do you have a team of experts working around the clock?
D.W.: No, I came up with it.
G.S.: Oh, I see. Well, let's see. How did we come up with the name? You know, I've only been asked that question about six million times. Let me see if I can recall the story.
D.W.: Ok.
G.S.: We were sitting around...trying to figure out what would be a good name for a rock and roll band. We had some ideas but we hadn't yet come up with the perfect name. Then we asked ourselves: "What would be a good name for a band?" Some people had some names. Some other people had some other names. But we hadn't yet come up with the name that we wanted. Then, it was suggested that we name the band: "KISS." And we agreed that that would be a good name. So, there you have it, and the rest is history!
D.W.: That's fascinating! So, who came up with the name?
G.S.: Jesus. The band was formed in 1973. That was more than 30 years ago. I don't remember all the minor details.
D.W.: Ok. Let's talk about some of your hit songs. One of my favorite songs is "Rock and Roll All Night." The song says, and I quote: "I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day." Did you, in fact, want to rock and roll all night and party every day? Is that song autobiographical in any way?
G.S.: Gee, that's a good question. I've never thought about it. Actually, I did rock and roll all night and party every day. But I'm not sure if there was an actual connection between what I was doing and the writing of that song. You know, I've never thought about it. Can I get back to you on that one?
D.W.: Sure, no problem. Now -- I wanted to ask you about the band itself. What was it like working with Tommy Lee?
G.S.: I don't know. I never worked with Tommy Lee.
D.W.: Wasn't he the drummer?
G.S.: No, he wasn't.
D.W.: Well, according to my notes, he was the drummer.
G.S.: Your notes are wrong.
D.W.: Oh, I get it. Because Tommy Lee has had legal troubles, your attorney advised you not to comment on him, right?
G.S.: No. I comment on whomever I like. But you asked me if Tommy Lee was the drummer and whether I worked with him and I told you that I had neither worked with him, nor was he the drummer.
D.W.: Hmmm?
G.S.: He was the drummer for Motley Crue. Perhaps you mixed up the two bands?
D.W.: Oh...yeah! That's right! Wow! I guess I did mix that up. Did you like Motley Crue?
G.S.: That does it! I'm out of here!
D.W.: No....no...please...wait! Sit down! Let's talk about your book! It's called: Ladies of the Night, right?
G.S.: Yes.
D.W.: So what's it about?
G.S.: Whores.
D.W.: Really?
G.S.: Yes, really.
D.W.: It says here that it "offers a fresh look at the history of the world's oldest profession as seen through the eyes of rock legend - and renowned ladies' man - Gene Simmons."
G.S.: That's right.
D.W.: Well, the world's oldest profession isn't being a whore, is it?
G.S.: Yes, it is.
D.W.: I would think there would be professions that are much older. Like hunting dinosaurs or building caves, or making wheels?
G.S.: Were you saying something? I was farting into this cushion.
D.W.: I was just saying...is prostitution really the world's oldest profession?
G.S.: I knew I shouldn't have eaten that chili. Actually, I'm glad I did. Can you smell that?
D.W.: Yes I can. Should I change the subject?
G.S.: Hey, it's your $2000. I'm working by the hour.
D.W.: That's right! Just like a prostitute.
G.S.: Just like a prostitute.
D.W.: So have you ever visited a prostitute?
G.S.: What do you think?
D.W.: I don't know.
G.S.: Read the book.
D.W.: I will.
G.S.: Read it now.
D.W.: I don't think we have time for me to read the whole thing. Maybe I can look at some of the illustrations and ask you about them. Oh...this one is naughty! Oh my!
G.S.: God, this chili is really turning my stomach upside down. You mind if I hit the head while you page through the book?
D.W.: No, go right ahead. It's the second door on the right.

Editor's note: Well, aside from a series of flushing sounds, we didn't hear anymore from Mr. Simmons. The rock and roller spent the balance of the agreed upon hour in the restroom. When I tried to get a few more questions in, his bodyguard slammed me against the wall and head butted me until I lost consciousness. I never did read the book. The bodyguard took it out of my hand and bonked me over the head with it about a million times.

[Photos: Above: Gene Simmons and two "friends," 2008. Below: Gene Simmons as "The Demon" in KISS, 1979]

Tomorrow! Our swimsuit issue caused quite an uproar. Find out about our most controversial issue ever!

IMBECILE MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE: GENE SIMMONS INTERVIEW!

We simply can't believe it ourselves! An exclusive interview with former KISS frontman Gene Simmons! Needless to say, this is a big coup for Imbecile Magazine so we put our top correspondent on the job -- Reid Ard.

R.A.: Welcome to Imbecile Magazine, Mr. Simmons. And thanks for being here. It's really an honor to have you.
G.S.: (on the phone) Tell em those numbers suck. If he doesn't like it, he can go elsewhere. I'm a businessman, not some f***** idiot. (To R.A.) What did you say?
R.A.: I said welcome to Imbecile Magazine. It's an honor to have you here.
G.S.: Is that a question? Why don't you ask me a question and skip the Bulls**t.
R.A.: Ok....So....you used to be in KISS right?
G.S.: What? Are you kidding me? No...I was in the Beatles. I'm Paul F***** McCartney. Want to hear me sing Yesterday?
R.A.: Ha ha. That's a good one. You got me there. Uh....how did you get started in the rock business?
G.S.: Hey, I thought I was here to promote my book. What happened to those questions.
R.A.: Yeah, right. So....you've written a book, is that correct?
G.S.: Are you retarded? Did I not just say that I was here to promote my book? And you next question is: "Have you written a book?" What kind of an imbecile are you?
R.A.: Well, it was supposed to be a seq...a seq...that thing you do when you want to go from one thought to another.
G.S.: It's called "using your brain." If you had one, you might understand that.
R.A.: Ok. (pause) It says here that you wrote a book -- can you tell us about it?
G.S.: Sure, I can tell you about it.
R.A.: (pause) Ok...what is the book about?
G.S.: Did you not read it?
R.A.: Uh. No. Was I supposed to?
G.S.: Listen Einstein. Usually when someone comes on to be interviewed about his new book, the interviewer at least makes an attempt to read the book. Do you even know the title of my book?
R.A.: Uh...I think it starts with...something about...rock and roll?
G.S.: No. You're not even close.
R.A.: Ok...then what's the title of your book?
G.S.: It's called F***** Cheerleader Sandwich. It's the story of a young cheerleader who gets led astray by some football players who suffer from too much testosterone. The football players decide to kidnap her and give her an extended lesson in the various techniques of human sexuality.
R.A.: So how does it end?
G.S.: Jesus...it ends with the football players taking the cheerleader into the locker room, grabbing a set of handcuffs and...
R.A.: Uh...excuse me, someone is trying to tell me something.
G.S.: (long pause) This ought to be enlightening.
R.A.: Mr. Simmons, thanks for being with us. Your new book is called Cheerleader Sandwich and it's .... is it out in any stores yet?
G.S.: Yes -- look for it at Trader Joe's -- next to the vine ripened tomatoes.
R.A.: Ok. Thanks. It's really been an honor having you here. Gene Simmons is the former frontman for the rock group KISS. Since KISS disbanded, Mr. Simmons has been involved in a number of projects, including a reality TV show, a book, and ....
G.S.: (on the phone) Yeah...oh that noise?...that's just some idiot who was trying to interview me. I'm gonna take a piss in their restroom and get back in the limo. What time was the meeting? Maybe I can grab something to eat before then?

Yes, Reid's attempt to delve inside the complicated mind of Rock and Roll Legend Gene Simmons fell a little short. However, Imbecile Magazine managed to get a second shot at the KISS superstar. Check back tomorrow for Part II of our exclusive interview with Gene Simmons!

OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE!!!! YEEOWZA!!!

It's that special time of the year again! When the sun is hot, the surf is up, and gorgeous babes from hither and yon invade the shores and occupy our fertile imaginations. (who wrote this crap?). Time to set sail for greener pastures, kick back, soak up the rays and soak in the delicious sights. (Jesus, this is horrible). This year we bring you six fabulous hotties, each sporting the newest in beachwear that rivals even the skimpiest of underwear when it comes to raising your temperature in this tropical heat (Ughhh!). So, try not to get too excited, boys, and keep that blood pressure medication handy. You're going to need it! (God, that was monstrous!).

Above: This year, we start out with a hypothetical question. What's causing all the heat in this picture -- the sun or the sun worshippers? Well, we know the answer to that one! Looks like the Foozool has a temperature and I don't think sunscreen is going to help. Check out our model on the right -- she's got the right idea with that cute little orange number. Orange you excited? I bet you are. On the left, our seafaring model has chosen ocean blue. How about some motion on that ocean! Nothing wrong with that. We'll sail her high seas anytime! Maybe if we get to know her better, she'll let us "sea" a little more!

Above: It's an election year so this Hot-Tee is going green. But this two piece wonder will make you wonder what's underneath. Don't worry boys, there's nothing wrong with being environmentally friendly. I'll bet you can easily find a friend in this environment. But our little green hottie isn't totally green. In fact, she may be solely responsible for all this global warming. Have you checked your temperatures, boys? Oops! I think you need to put on some more sunscreen -- or is something other than the sun making you turn that bright shade of red?

Above: Gas prices are sky high, so this little darling has the right idea when she chooses two wheels instead of four. I've always felt that good things come in pairs. And I'm not necessarily talking about the bike. Our athletic honey likes to keep in shape. She should be a drill instructor since she already has us standing at attention. She may not leave a big carbon footprint, but she sure is causing a huge imprint. Check those trousers, guys. This hot purple, three piece number may not cost a lot, but it can definitely lead to inflation. Going my way?

Above: Who needs traffic lights when you can stop cars the good old fashioned way? They say the beach is a great place for sightseeing. Here! Here! We found these two bathing beauties strolling down the road, whistling a tune. Must be contagious, because everyone is now whistling at them! So roll out your beach towels and roll up your tasters, boys. With attractions like these -- you could get a nasty tongue burn if you're not careful.

Apparel:
(Foozool and his posse) (Left) Blue skimpy thong suit by Craven Moreskin, $95; (center) Teeny tiny men's bikini brief by Al Depantzya, $45; (right) Sunkist Sweet Thong Set by Vitamin C-My-Booty, $100.
(Umbrella scene) Lime Green Tang-kini by Oliver Klosov, $150; Umbrella by A Shore Thing Beach Accessories, Inc. $95; Bracelets by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash, $35.
(Bike scene) 3-piece "Purple Passion Fashion Three-kini" by Hugh G. Rection Designs, $150; Motocross hybrid mountain bike by Gay, Straight, or Bi-cycles, $450; Matching socks by Jockey 4 position, $25; Biking shoes by Green with Envy Footwear, $98.
(Street scene) (Left) Halter style red string bikini by Devil-May-Car Beachwear, $75; hoop earrings by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash, $25; counterfeit Gucci watch by Watch-Out Knock-offs, $100; (Right) Yello! The Bikini! by Approach with Caution Swimwear, $95; Pyrite and rhinestone necklace by Trinkets, Treasure, Trash,68; Car by who the hell cares? It's a piece of junk filled with a bunch of horny losers.

Tomoorow: Imbecile Magazines scores the coup of the century. Gene Simmons: Exclusive!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY USA!!!

Imbecile Magazine, along with our Parent company, Uraclod, want to wish you a happy 4th of July!!! I know many of you will be loading up the car with food and kids -- enduring horrible traffic jams -- and then trying to carve out a tiny piece of grass on which to sit and try and get a glimpse of the fireworks between those millions of trees. By the time the display actually begins, you'll be surrounded by drunk kids who scammed their way onto your territory at the last minute, only to constantly whoop and holler at every explosion.

July 4th is probably the most important federal holiday there is. On July 4, 1776, America beat the Germans and the French, declaring its independence and freeing all the slaves. It was a historic day -- our brave soldiers sunk most of the German aircraft carriers and pushed the French out of Washington, where they had occupied all of our restaurants. One hundred years later, this country was embroiled in yet another conflict, a bloody civil war with Russia. Again, we defeated them handily.

Following the Russian War, there was the Spanish American War where we went over to Spain and kicked some serious Spanish butt. Then, there was World War I. For those old enough to remember (it was, after all, about 50 years ago), it is difficult to forget how every single country in the world was at war. Lots of people got killed -- the whole world was nearly destroyed by nucular weapons. After World War I ended at Gettysburg, there was World War II. That was an even bigger war. We bombed the Russians, the French, the Germans -- and, I think, even the Martians.

Finally, there was the Korean War and the Viet Nam War. Both of those wars pretty much sucked. The Koreans caused a lot of casualties that had to be treated in M.A.S.H. units by Alan Alda and that other guy with the receding hairline. I don't know if we beat Viet Nam or not. It depends on which you movie you watch. Since then, we've had two wars in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. We won the first war in Iraq but they came back for more so we socked him real good. Now the country is a huge disaster. See? We told you not to mess with us! I don't know what's going on with Afghanistan. Those dudes have the best weed and smoke it all day long which makes them crazy.

As we celebrate this day, let's also take some time to sing the great songs that came to symbolize our gallant struggles. "Give My Regards to Broadway" and "Singing in the Rain" are two which immediately come to mind. "Smells like Teen Spirit" and "I will Survive" are two other good choices. And don't forget the group "America." All of their songs are pretty safe bets for a July 4th party. My favorite is "Horse with No Name" which I think is about General Custer when he killed all those Indians at the Alamo.

Though July 4th is often celebrated with song and fireworks, it is also a solemn occasion. Please take a moment to remember those brave Americans who died in the bloody Battles of Hastings and Waterloo. They will not be forgotten.

In honor of July 4th, Imbecile Magazine is giving the staff the day off. They've been working around the clock to keep you informed on all the important issues -- especially those issues [Swimsuit Issue] which are really [Swimsuit Issue] most vital. (Heh heh, know-what-I-mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more.) Anyway, on July 4, we're going to hold an employee bar-b-cue. I've never eaten employee before but I hear it tastes like chicken. Happy 4th!!! WOOOOOOO!

NEXT WEEK: OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS! THERE IS A GOD!!!!!


[Imbecile Magazine Historian Stone deGhen contributed to this story]

SNEAK PEAK: OUR SWIMSUIT ISSUE!!!!

It's almost July 4 and we at Imbecile Magazine are taking tomorrow off. But while you're enjoying your holiday in the sun, we thought we'd add just a little more heat to your day! Who says the United States doesn't produce anything of quality anymore? These babes are USA born and bred. And if the Spirit of '76 doesn't move you, these girls certainly will. (know what I mean?)

So, let's give them a big, enthusiastic salute! With your hand, silly!

With these girls on our side, it's easy to be patriotic! I'm sure you'll find a good reason to shoot off some fireworks now!

Check back Monday for the Big Swimsuit Spread. You'll be glad you did!!!!

[Pictured above: Imbecile Magazine Publisher Hugh G. Rection and two of our gorgeous models]

Tomorrow: Our salute to July 4th, the USA, and all the events that made this country great!

FINALLY! Test Your Knowledge: The Ultimate Road Rules Quiz

Did you enjoy "Road Rules" week last week? Did you learn a lot? I bet you did. Hopefully, you're well prepared for today's little quiz. Not exactly a driver's test but an excellent quiz nonetheless. Are you ready? Here's the first question.


1. You're trying to drive and two skanks decide that they want to jaywalk, stopping traffic in all directions. One of them even flips you the bird. Do you:

A. Honk really loud.
B. Honk really really loud.
C. Pull your hair out and scream "Why Me?"
D. Hit the gas and flatten them like a pair of buckwheat pancakes.



2. Bicyclists who ride in the center of the lane, pretending they are cars are:

A. Jerks
B. Jerks
C. Jerks
D. Jerks


3. If you have a minor accident in a busy street, you should immediately:

A. Leave your vehicles right where they are so the police can arrive and make a full report to determine fault.
B. Move your cars to the side of the road.
C. Call the police and await further instructions.
D. Are you kidding about B? No one is decent enough to pull to the side of the road. That would be too considerate. Nooooooooo! We have to create a major crime scene that blocks traffic in all directions for hours. Hell, we have to wait for CSI to come out and crack the case. This is going to be the lead story on the 6 o'clock news!


4. People who stand in the middle of busy intersections begging for money are:

A. Scam artists.
B. Disrupting traffic flow.
C. Probably not all that poor in the first place.
D. Yes.


5. Comment on this photo.

A. Owwww!
B. Oops!
C. Idiot! That will teach you to ride your damn bike in the middle of the street in the wrong direction.
D. Boy, I wish I was a lawyer right now!

ANSWERS BELOW

Tomorrow: We begin our amazing July 4th coverage!

Thursday: Sneak Peak at our 1st Annual Imbecile Magazine Swimsuit Issue -- WOW!!!!
Friday: Our tribute to July 4th -- Loaded with tons of historical background
Monday: The Highly Anticipated Swimsuit Issue -- You won't believe your eyes!!!
Tuesday: Imbecile Magazine Exclusive Interview -- Find out who it is!!!!


Answers: 1. c; 1. c; 3. c; 4. c; 5. c. (See, sometimes it pays to put all Cs)

Location! Location! Location! Candidate provides "background" to convey his message.

By Imbecile Magazine Political Correspondent I.B. Lyon.

When Barack Obama wanted to court the support of former rival Hillary Clinton, he chose a unique location to make the announcement: Unity, New Hampshire. Then, in response to attacks on his patriotism, the candidate flew to Independence, Missouri, to refute charges that he was anything less than a true blue American.

This recent pattern of picking locations that reflect Obama's message is the newest invention in his unprecedented run for the White House. Imbecile Magazine has learned that Obama is planning a number of future events in other cities -- all chosen because of their names. Next week, Obama is planning to unveil his long awaited plan for universal health care in Medical Lake, Washington. He plans to make a widespread appeal to gays and lesbians in the small town of Dykesville, Wisconsin. His federal sex education agenda will be released in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

"People respond strongly to symbols," said one Obama staffer. "If the location reflects the message, the message has more of an impact."

GOP officials, however, say the tactic is just the another gimmick that will soon lose its appeal.

"If Obama was really genuine about it, he would choose more appropriate venues," said one John McCain supporter. "For instance, when he criticizes John McCain for his support of the Iraq war, he should make the announcement from either Coward, South Carolina or Dead Horse, Alaska."

Other GOP strategists predict Obama's strategy could backfire.

"What happens when he starts dropping in the polls? Is he going to hold a last minute rally in Poop Creek, Oregon?" said Sharon Diggs, a Republican party official. "I guess he'll stand there without a paddle, ha!"

Officially, the Obama campaign won't release the locations of future events beyond Intercourse, Pa. However, sources say the campaign does have a number of locations being held in reserve.

"When this campaign starts turning negative, and believe me it will, you can bet he will be speaking from some interesting places," said Willie Makeit, an Obama campaign official. "I wouldn't be surprised to see Barack responding to McCain's attacks from places like Dirty Liar, Arizona, or Falsehood, New Mexico."

Makeit says the campaign has already reserved space in towns which it believes the McCain campaign previously planned to use to launch its own platforms.

"We were proactive," said Makeit. "We acted early and put a hold on some of the premium towns --like Takeswontoonowon, Louisiana and Eyenoyooarbotwutami, Mississippi. These are the perfect places to respond to John McCain's negative attacks."

Reached at a campaign stop near an old Russian mining community in Western Pennsylvania, John McCain declined to comment on Obama's latest ploy.

"I'm focusing on substance, not flash and gimmicks," said McCain after delivering a speech at the tiny Eastern Orthodox Church in Visheyethotovthat, population 86.

Imbecile Magazine has obtained the Obama campaign schedule for the next three months. As shown below, each location will reflect the candidate's position.

Upcoming Schedule for Barack Obama

1. "Change" defined -- Crappo, Maryland
2. America's Universal Health Care Plan -- Medical Lake, Washington
3. Obama's Military policy (Iraq and Afghanistan) -- Along the Nile River, Egypt (aka "de Nile")
4. Corrupt campaign contributors -- Embarrass, Minnesota
5. My wife's role in the White House -- Big Onion, New York

Editor's Note: OK. I know we promised to bring you that Road Rules quiz today but we never thought I.B. Lyon would ever come up with an interesting story. He told us he was going to cover the issues and to that, naturally, we said: Yawwwn! But I.B. actually came up with something that matches the quality of what we at Imbecile Magazine have come to expect. So the Road Rules quiz will be tomorrow. You have my word (for whatever that's worth).