Choice No. 4 -- No Child Left (Period)

Holy Mackerel! We're really going extreme with Choice No. 4. Remember our little quiz? If not, here's the question once again: You're totally minding your own business. The flight has been absolutely horrible. You finally manage to doze off for two seconds and this kid decides he has dibs on your left eyeball. What on earth are you to do? Note: I've illustrated this little vignette below so you can grab a nice visual before making your choice. So far, we've proposed the following: (1) tie him up and leave him in the restroom to enjoy that wonderful airplane restroom smell and the sound of hundreds of people angrily knocking on the door for six hours; (2) give his little rump a nice spanking so his parents can see for themselves how you spell the word discipline: W-H-A-C-K!; or (3) stuff him in the overhead bin with all the other over sized and overstuffed suitcases that the other passengers managed to sneak on the plane even though you were made to check all your bags for an extra $50. Finally, we have choice No. 4 -- The Ultimate! Why not open those bomb bay doors (or whatever they're called) and treat the little lovely to the most thrilling 7 mile trip of his life -- straight down!!! I mean, kids love amusement park rides. What could be better than the 35,000 foot vertical drop? Beats anything Kings Dominion has to offer!

So now you have your four choices. I'll admit, none of them is easy. Take your time. But then again, if you're on one of these flights, you have plenty of time since the movie is broken, the drink cart is gone, you can't get to sleep, you're uncomfortable as hell, and every single crossword puzzle in the lame airline magazine is already filled in. Phew! I can't believe I almost left that one out again!

Choice No. 3 -- No Child Left Behind (because he's locked up above)

Wow! This quiz question is really fun. Here's choice No. 3! Remember the question? You're on Flight From Hell No. 101 and everything has decided to permanently relocate on your last nerve. The flight attendant bypassed your row with the drink cart and tried to steal your blanket, and now some little monster has climbed up on the tray table and is about to perform an eye-ectomy on you! You're desperate and times of desperation call for desperate measures.
For those of you who need a visual of what you're going through, here it is. Isn't he cute! NO HE IS NOT!

So, choice No. 3 is illustrated above. In lieu of tying up the punk and sticking him in the lavatory (Choice No. 1), or giving him a spanking that will turn his bottom the color of ripe, homegrown, Hanover tomatoes (Choice No. 2), why not stuff him in the overhead bin? This way, no one's bladder habits will be disrupted by seeing the constant "door locked" sign on the restroom door. (I know, you get that anyway since the airline only allots one restroom per 200 coach passengers while folks in First Class and Business Class get their own private restroom which the rest of the scum on the plane isn't even allowed to look at.)

Anyway, should you cram the little darling up there with all the carry-on luggage? Hey, at least you know where he is! Personally, I still don't know what to pick. It's hard. So is raising children, which this kid's parents obviously didn't think about when they decided to make a baby. Good luck and I'll see you on Monday with the final choice. It's a DOOZY!

Choice No. 2 - No Child's Behind Left

So, are you enjoying this little quiz? Let's hope you're not having a bad day like the little nipper in this picture. Which, coincidentally, brings us to choice No. 2. Remember our quiz question? The scenario is illustrated below: You're on a long, tortuous flight across the country. You finally manage to doze off and forget the hell you're in. Then, this little shrimp climbs up on the seat tray, reaches over, and nearly puts an eye out! What the hell are you supposed to do?
Well, yesterday, I queried whether it might be a good idea to tie up the little rat and stick him in the water closet. Here's another idea. Give him something his parents apparently never did. Turn him over your knee and give him a good, solid whacking! Do you think that will work? Do you think it's a good idea? Think carefully! I can tell you one thing, it sure will be entertaining for the other passengers. Much better than that horrible, censored movie that you can't hear because the headphones are either broken or so cheap they never worked in the first place. Or better yet, because the airline wanted to CHARGE you for headphones. That's a good one! Ha! Well, are you going to pick choice No. 2?

Choice No. 1 - No Child Left Untied

Having read the final "Flying is Fun" question yesterday, you're probably chomping at the bit wondering what the possible answers are. Sorry if the suspense kept you up all night. To tell the truth, I didn't sleep much either, so now we're even. Anyway, you'll recall that I had posted the following question: You're trying to get some sleep on a long flight across the country when this little brat climbs over the back of your seat and pokes you in the eye. What should you do? For those of you who would like see the picture again, here it is below:

Now, keep in mind that this little varmint is merely icing on the stinking rotten cake which the airline has been feeding you ever since the moment you arrived at the airport. You asked for an exit row and they wanted to charge you for it. Then, they stuck you in a middle seat because the moment you asked for an exit row seat, they released your aisle seat in the computer system and once they finally admitted that the new seat was going to cost you a ton of money, they gently but matter-of-factly announced that your seat had already been gulped up either by another reservation agent or by some "seat stalker" out in cyberspace. Needless to say, nothing is working out for you. You even brought your own blanket and the flight attendant tried to take that away from you and give it someone in business class. When you pointed out that the blanket was, in fact, yours, she got all nasty and now she has just bypassed your row with the drink cart, claiming she'll get you "on the way back." Yup, we all know what that means!

Anyway, choice No. 1 is pretty self explanatory. Because the little brat's parents decided not to discipline their kid, they've left you with no choice but to take action. So, you grab that rope which you luckily had stored in your carry-on, tie the kid up, and stick him in the restroom. This way, he can't bother you or anyone else on the flight. What do you think? Is it a good choice? You decide. See you tomorrow!

Flying is fun: The Grand Finale!

My trip to the west coast is getting closer and to tell you the truth, I'm getting really excited about all the adventures I'm going to encounter. Not the adventures out west, silly, but the stuff that goes on inside the plane. First of all, like an idiot, I purchased a cheap flight through Travelocity which means I have to connect during both legs of the journey. So instead of taking two flights, I get to take FOUR! Jealous?!?! I bet you are! This means four opportunities to get jammed into the smallest seats known to man. Four opportunities to sit next to some fat slob who thinks it's ok to take his shoes off. Four opportunities to sit near some jackass who decided to save money on food by bringing his stinky bag of McDonald's on board. That, my friends, is my favorite!

Since we're on the subject, I might as well share with you some of my other favorite on board activities. Let me put them in ascending order of aggravation:

(10) having some guy stand in the aisle and carry on a loud conversation with the idiot sitting next to me;
(9) having some idiot in the seat IN FRONT OF ME turn around and carry on a loud conversation with the clod sitting in my row;
(8) sitting next to a passenger with an IPOD turned up so loud it sounds like a miniature rock band is having a jam session in his head;
(7) sitting next to some dolt who believes that both arm rests were built solely for his personal use;
(6) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating any kind of fast food;
(5) sitting next to or near anyone who is eating anything from McDonald's:
(4) sitting nest to or near anyone who thinks proper personal hygiene is optional;
(3) watching people try and jam over sized suitcases in the overhead bin after I just carefully placed a fragile object up there for safekeeping;
(2) finding someone in my seat who thinks they can fool me into thinking my seat is actually somewhere else (Obviously, they don't know who they are dealing with);
(1) finally falling asleep only to have the pilot get on the scratchy, ear splitting intercom to inform the passengers that they are flying over some monument or river that I couldn't care less about

Now, you may think I'm a bit crabby for writing this post. Hey, guilty as charged. But you can't deny that the airlines are going out of their way these days to make flying coach as painful as possible. I suspect they want to make you so miserable that, next time, you will shell out three times as much money to fly business class. In my opinion, they really ought to come clean about it. They can start by re-naming the classes. Instead of First, Business, Economy Plus, and Economy, they should call it (1)Superior Human Being, (2)Pretty Good Human Being, (3) Peasant, and (4) Scum. "Superior" is what you get if you are so rich you've run out of ways to waste your money. "Pretty good" is for those of us who scrimp and save just so we can look down on the other classes for one brief moment. "Peasant" is what you get when you pay a premium over the regular price ticket. Finally, "Scum" is what happens when you check the box that says, "Show me the lowest fare."

Because most people will still choose "Scum", the airlines might be well advised to make this class even more horrible than its current counterpart, Economy. Instead of serving you a complimentary beverage, for instance, they can simply spill hot coffee on your suit. They can make sure all the audio inputs in your armrest are broken. They can even clog up the one toilet which you must share with your other 200 fellow travelers. Most airlines already do this now, but they can train their flight attendants to snap at you all the time. For instance, the flight attendants can totally freak out whenever your seat has declined by one degree during takeoff and landing. They could go absolutely bonkers if your tray table is down while the plane is within 100 miles of the airport. And this goes without saying -- they MUST take every blanket and pillow up to the other classes so you freeze to death and never get a wink of sleep.

Finally, and this is an ABSOLUTE MUST, they should make sure that the crossword puzzle in every available magazine is completely filled in. I can't believe I almost left that one out!

All in all, the airlines are doing a yeoman's job of enforcing these initiatives. However, consistency is key. A sympathetic flight attendant or helpful gate attendant will ruin it for everyone. Every once in a while, for instance, I'll ask for an exit row and they'll give it to me. Though airlines are now in the habit of charging you extra bucks for this benefit,* there are still some out there who will do this service for free. Shame on them!

So, in honor of today's airline rant, here's the final installment of my little "Flying is Fun" quiz. Unlike the last times, I'm going to give you the question today, but I won't start giving you the suggested answers until tomorrow. This way I can milk this thing for all it's worth. Hell, I spend a lot of time on these drawings even if it doesn't look like it.

QUESTION NO. 4: You're desperately trying to get some shuteye on a long flight across the country. But someone forgot the word discipline when they decided to have a child. As a result, the brat climbs up the back of your seat, reaches down, and pokes you in the eye. What should you do? Choice No. 1 will be revealed tomorrow!

*By the way, don't get me started over this "charging for the exit row BS." One of these days, some guy is going to lay down $50 for an exit seat and when the plane fills up with smoke, he's going to take up a collection before agreeing to open the damn door. Mark my words!

Flying is fun: Part III

OK, so I just got off the phone with Northwest Airlines about a flight I'm taking to the west coast. After purchasing the flight (which connects both ways so it's really going to be fun) and the hotel from Travelocity in one big lump, I found out that I can't get a seat assignment for the longest part of the trip there. So I called the airline and was told that the AIRPORT was holding some of the seats so I have to wait until 24 hours before the flight to get a seat assignment and then I MIGHT get a seat. Otherwise, I can get a seat when I arrive at the airport, MAYBE. I asked the reservation person if this meant that I could be bumped from the flight once I got to the airport. She said that probably wouldn't happen but she COULDN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING. I then called Travelocity and asked this nice guy in India to sort it out. Guess what? He couldn't do ANYTHING, but he was really polite. He then asked me if there was anything else he could do for me today.

The ordeal made me think once again about how much fun it is to fly economy class these days, especially across the country. The last time I flew back from Los Angeles, the flight was supposed to arrive in D.C. at midnight, but was delayed so we finally got our bags at 5 a.m. Once we got home, it was 6 a.m, so you can imagine how much fun it was to have to be at work 4 hours later. I should also mention that the seats we were assigned were in the back of the plane and were so small and cramped that I thought I would kill the guy in front of me the minute he reclined his seat ALL THE WAY BACK. You would think he would have placed it in the upright position after feeling me kick him 2-300 times IN THE SPINE.

So, in honor of the fun of flying, here's Part III of my "Flying is fun" quiz:

Question: You're stuck on a cramped transcontinental flight and the guy in the center seat has already ordered his fourth extra dry martini. Do you...

(A) Ask him if he knows what AA stands for?
(B) Silently conspire with the other passengers to throw a blanket over his head, pull him out of his seat, open the emergency exit, and hurl him out of the aircraft at 35,000 feet?
(C) Remind the flight attendant of the airline's policy of not serving intoxicated passengers?
(D) Or passively sit there and do nothing?

Answer A is a little hostile. We don't know if the guy is a actual drunk or whether he, like many of us, is simply looking to escape the nightmare of flying coach. As for B, I could probably be talked into this one if not for the legal ramifications. C is an interesting choice but, given the airlines' obsession for nickeling and diming us to death, I seriously doubt that the flight attendant will forgo an opportunity to make a few bucks. D, my friends, is the only logical choice. Bon voyage!

FRAPPA-BOMBER VICTIM SPEAKS OUT; LAWSUITS EYED

In his first public statement since Wednesday's brutal attack, the man previously identified only as "Joe" vowed revenge against the eco-tourists who assaulted him with a Frozen-Double-Vente-Frappacino-With-Extra-Whip-a-triple-shot-of-my-baby's-love-no-foam-room-for-cream-butter-fat-no-conflict-bean-brew-in-a-free-range-cup-with-a-plastic-but-recyclable-straw-not-made-by-slave-child-labor-in-China.

"They have disfigured my face, but my resolve remains firm," said the victim, identified by police officials as 49-year-old Alberto Kupa Josephano, aka "A. Kupa Joe." Speaking in a muffled voice through thick bandages, Josephano announced, "I represent the millions of frustrated coffee drinkers who have to wait in line behind these goofballs while they spout off hundreds of syllables in a single order."

On Wednesday, Josephano was assaulted by a group of eco-tourists after he uttered a sarcastic comment about their drink orders. The alleged mastermind of the attack, identified as Herman "Peacetrain" Fishbalm, allegedly threw a frozen frappacino in Josephano's face, causing him to go into sugar shock. Josephano also suffered severe frostbite in the incident and the caffeine reportedly caused him to go into sudden cardiac arrest.

Doctors at St. Ignatius Hospital expect Josephano to make a full recovery, though they predict he will suffer some minor facial scarring.

"I wear this mark like a badge of honor," a defiant Josephano said from his hospital bed. "Those who see me behind them in line will recognize this ugly face and know that it's the face of impatience and intolerance. They will know that if they don't make it quick, they must endure the mother of all saracastic comments."

On April 23, police say Josephana uttered a snide rebuke at a group of eco-tourists who were loudly and methodically debating whether to order Starbucks' Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème, Tazo® Passion™ Shaken Iced Tea Lemonade, Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, or a Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar-Free Syrup. Fed up with waiting for the eco-tourists to make up their minds, Josephano allegedly called them "tree-huggers" and suggested they visit Baskin-Robbins® instead.

Asked about his remarks, Josephano declined to be specific, claiming his attorneys have instructed him not to comment. "It doesn't matter what words were used," he said. "What matters is that excessively long and meticulously picky drink orders no longer go unpunished."

Meanwhile, attorneys for Josephano are contemplating legal action in connection with the incident. Though lawyers have affirmatively promised to file personal injury suits against Fishbalm and his co-conspirators, they are also discussing the possibility of suing Starbucks.

"These are the deep pockets," said I. Vory Tower, a professor at the Cochran Institute of Legal Studies. "If you can drag Starbucks into the mix, your damages go way up."

However, most attorneys contacted for comment believe Starbucks cannot be held liable under strict liability principles.

"These guys are very proactive," said Dewey Cheatham, a partner at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. "Look at the warning label on the cup. It clearly tells customers not to engage in this specific type of behavior."

Photographic evidence released by Starbucks shows that the cup involved in the attack bore an explicit and unequivicol warning: "Caution: Do not throw in face." However, the spokesperson did not produce the actual cup for reporters at yesterday's news conference, claiming that police are still analyzing the cup for evidence.

Warning labels aside, some legal scholars say Starbucks should at least bear part responsibility for contributing to the "environment" which caused the incident.

"If Starbucks continues to tolerate these people who come in with these outrageously long drink orders," said Tower, "then it must take responsibility for the natural reactions that are going to occur. People get impatient, sarcastic comments are uttered, and tempers flare. Next thing you know, someone is face down in a pool of pumpkin-spice-no-whip-foam-leave-room-for-creme-double-espresso-apple-tini-pomegranate-swirl-cranberry-splash-put-your-hands-together-and-clappacino-double-shot-of-my-baby's-love-shaken-but-stirred-frozen-coffee-beverage. It's not a pretty site and Starbucks has a duty to prevent it from happening again."




Captured images from security cameras courtesy Starbucks® Corporation. Top: Original image. Lower: Digitally enhanced detail.