Comedy "Rough Drafts" Reveal Origin of Popular Jokes

The discovery last week of hundreds of "first draft" jokes shows how modern day conventional humor, though considered hilarious today, actually started out as a series of "bombs," unable to elicit even a few stray guffaws. The newly unearthed "rough draft" joke archives, recently found buried in the basement of a late relative of the late comedian Shecky Green, demonstrates how many jokes went through multiple revisions before they became even remotely funny.

"This is an amazing discovery," said Art Tovlafter, a joke curator. "We had no idea, for instance, that the famous 'I shot an elephant in my pajamas' bit had to go through several rewrites before Groucho Marx would even agree to touch it.

According to files released yesterday, the original joke read as follows:

"I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Can you believe it? I was wearing pajamas at the time."

"Obviously, there's nothing funny about the first draft of that joke," said Tovlafter. "I mean, the image of a guy wearing pajamas and shooting an elephant is absurd, but certainly not worth more than an intellectual-type chuckle. Thank God Marx worked on it and made it into the classic it is today."

Other examples from the archives include:

"Take my wife. She's a nag."

"Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Boo Radley."

According to Tovlafter, the archives show how much dedication and skill is required to craft good, solid jokes as opposed to idiotic quasi-gags.

"These rough drafts prove that, with hard work and perseverance, you can transform something pitiful into something hilarious," said Tovlafter. As an example, Tovlafter points to another funny one-liner:

"Two peanuts are walking down the street. One is a salted."

According to Tovlafter, the original joke was much different:

"Two peanuts are walking down the street. One is beaten to a peanuty mush."

Tovlafter says joke archaeologists also uncovered rough drafts for "yo momma" and "lawyer" jokes.

Jokes today:
"Lawyers- 99.9 percent of them give the rest of the profession a bad name."
"Yo Momma's so fat when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton."

According to Tovlafter, the original drafts of these witticisms were unworthy of even a grin.

"Lawyers- most of them are crooks."
"Yo Mamma's so fat that when she ran away, they found her right away cause she so big."

Tovlafter says not all of the rough drafts remained sealed and buried in Green's relative's basement. Unfortunately, many leaked out and were the basis for numerous television situation comedies throughout the decades, most of them airing on ABC and the FOX network. At least two popular comic strips, Nancy and Marmaduke, also drew heavily from the "rough draft" jokes.

"I guess [Nancy creator] Ernie Bushmiller didn't want to pay the extra money to have his jokes fine tuned," said Tovlafter. "Apparently, he was either too cheap or had very low standards."

Special Insert - Final Draft (a.) v. First Draft Jokes (b.)
a. Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60! Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?"
b. Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60! Doctor: "Well, you'll die when you get my bill."

a. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way, A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
b. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "I don't know, but I guarantee you'll lose the baby when you get my bill."

a. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
b. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor threatened to kill him and deprive him of living six more months.

a. Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!"
b. Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "That's the bill collector calling, you idiot. You didn't pay my fee!"

[Above: Cartoon from the November 1910 issue of "The Old Yorker." Caption: "Strangely, I was dreaming that I shot an elephant, though I was still dressed in my pajamas. How absurd and funny!"]

IT'S A MIRACLE! EJECTED PASSENGERS SURVIVE 35,000 FT. FALL!

Boondocks, Ohio.
Local police today confirmed that two persons discovered in a giant manure storage bin this morning were among the four passengers allegedly ejected from Insult Air Flight 1313 last week. According to hospital officials, the pair miraculously survived the 35,000 foot fall from the aircraft by landing in a humongous bin of fresh animal droppings.

Last week, a photo recovered from a deceased passenger's camera phone showed three passengers being kicked out of the aircraft, allegedly because Insult Air had overbooked the flight and was unwilling to seat them in First Class. Though airlines routinely overbook flights and often "bump" passengers from flights that are full, only Insult Air has resolved to alleviate the overbooking issue by allowing passengers to board then tossing them out of the aircraft during mid flight.

[Photo recovered from deceased passenger's camera phone]

As of last night, only one of the three passengers' shown in the camera phone photo had been recovered. Last week, searchers discovered the body of 12-year-old Y. Neebaby. Police and volunteers searched for the other three victims for nearly six days and two days ago, the body of Ophelia Balzac was discovered in a densely wooded area. She was still holding her Insult Air boarding pass which read: "Fly Insult Air and Let the Insults Begin!" -- Insult Airline's motto.

After suspending their search for the remaining two passengers, police decided to send search and rescue teams into a local farmer's manure bin. But as the divers climbed up and into the bin, they immediately saw two people trapped inside, apparently struggling to stay afloat.

"They were treading water, but it wasn't exactly water," said Colonel "Pop" Korn, spokesman for the boondocks Police Department. "I don't want to say what it was."

The manure bin is owned by local farmer Will Barrow. Last week, Barrow predicted that the two victims might be in the bin. However, he never got around to searching for them.

"I got busy," said Barrow.

"He's an idiot," said Rhoda Horsey, Barrow's girlfriend.

"I had things to do," said Barrow.

"Like what?" said Horsey.

"Like, that's my personal business," said Barrow. "You don't need to know everything I do."

"I KNOW everything you do," said Horsey. "Which is nuthin. Nuthin is what you do. 24-7."

Though the names of the two passengers recovered from the manure bin have not yet been released, it's believed they are a husband and wife who had been flying standby. Apparently, the airline permitted them to board the plane but when it realized there were no seats, it tossed them out of the aircraft. Both are currently in serious but stable condition, suffering from dehydration and excessive exposure to animal feces. Once they are released from the hospital, Police plan to interview them.

"If they say anything bad about Insult Air," said company Vice-President and Spokesman Kurt Reply, "they're lying. We don't throw people out of airplanes."

Since the four passengers disappeared, Reply has denied charges that Insult Air tossed them out of the aircraft at 35,000 feet. Instead, Reply alleged that the four were attempting suicide.

"If you look at the [Insult Air] employee by the door, he's not kicking them out of the plane. He's courageously holding out his leg for them to hold on to," said Reply. "He's trying to save them. He's a true hero. They don't make them like that anymore."

Asked why the Insult Air employee is sporting an evil grin, Reply suggested that the employee may have just recalled a funny joke.

"It happens," said Reply. "You're in the middle of something serious, like trying to save four lives, and a silly joke comes into your head. So you smile. I've had it happen to me a million times. Doesn't mean I'm guilty of murder."

The ejected passenger scandal is one of many to befall Insult Air in the last few weeks. However, the airline has been doing its best to deflect attention away from its misdeeds by accusing a competitor of making kidnap and death threats against Insult Air's CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended.

According to anonymous Insult Air staffers, Nutsobad CEO Oliver Klozov, in a recent speech, compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh, whose child was kidnapped and murdered in 1932. The comment was viewed as an attempt to encourage mentally unstable individuals to kidnap and murder Ahphended's 13-year-old son.

Two days ago, Ahphended stated that Klozov's comments were "unfortunate" but that he did not believe Klozov wished him any harm.

"I'm putting this all behind me," Ahphended said. "I just hope that some crazy out there doesn't read Klozov's speech and come and kill my little boy. Personally, I don't believe Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer but then again, I don't know his full background. I'll let the flying public decide whether they want to fly on my airline, or fly with someone who might try and kidnap and murder their children. I'm staying out of this controversy."

Insult Air to Merge with Sardine Company; Airline to Triple Capacity

In what could be the first and most absurd merger of its kind, Insult Airlines announced today that it has reached a tentative merger agreement with an Italian sardine company that could conceivably triple the number of passengers the airline serves on a daily basis. The merger, between Insult Air and Italian sardine magnet Upa Yors, is predicted to triple Insult Air's Coach-Class capacity. Said one industry insider, passengers will be packed in tighter than "a Joan Rivers face lift."

Insult Air officials confirmed that the airline will be redesigning and reconfiguring all of its aircraft to hold the extra passengers. Travellers will have a choice of whether they want to be packed in Olive Oil, Mustard Sauce, or Tomato Paste.

Given rising fuel costs and competition from smaller carriers, Insult Air said it had no choice but to take radical steps to increase the number of Coach-Class fares. Last week, the airline won approval to increase its seat capacity by nearly 50%. Insult Air has also begun installing seats in the Coach-Class restroom, creating what it terms a "Toilet Class" service.

Industry analysts were not surprised by the merger but wondered whether passengers could physically survive being assigned to such close quarters.

"The cabin is going to be as tight as a too small bathing suit on a too long ride home from the beach," said Al di Pantzya, an analyst who follows both airlines and Italian sardine companies.

"People are going to be packed tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay Pride week," said another industry observer.

Insult Air has been the subject of great controversy recently. After one of its flights was suddenly grounded due to nauseating fumes in the Coach-Class cabin, reports surfaced that the airline had been solving its overbooking problems by ejecting passengers during mid flight. The airline responded with calls to increase its seating capacity by installing seats in the aisles and restrooms. However, in an effort to promote its "Toilet Class" accommodations, Insult Air released allegedly doctored photos showing delighted customers strapped into the new seats. In truth, those same passengers reported that they were forced to endure an unbelievable stench as fellow passengers repeatedly entered the restroom to take care of personal business and, in some cases, to vomit.

"Right now, Insult Air is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O," said di Pantzya. "But somehow the airline always seems to bounce back with another idea to cram more people into Coach."

Though Insult Air's Coach-Class was rated as "worse than horrible" in a recent customer survey, its First Class service continues to receive the highest marks in the business. Most First Class passengers praise the airline for providing each passenger with two King Size beds, 10 bottles of French Champagne, a jewelled crown, and a throne made of blue diamonds.

"It's the least we can do," said Kurt Reply, Insult Airlines Vice-President and Spokesman.

[Photo above: Prototype of Insult Air's new Sardinia 707, capacity: 20 passengers in First Class, 1000 passengers jammed into Coach, 10 stuffed in the restroom]

Newly Discovered Fake Photos Reveal Airline's Diabolical Thought Process

[Doctored photo published in Insult Airlines' monthly magazine: "Let the Insults Begin!"]

[Actual photograph taken with passenger's camera phone]

Just one week after allegations surfaced that Insult Airlines used a digitally manipulated photograph to promote its "Toilet Class" seating accommodations, a second "doctored" photo has surfaced which industry experts say is nothing short of "obscene."

The latest altered image, published in this month's edition of Insult Airlines' monthly magazine: "Let the Insults Begin," sheds even more light on the diabolical methods Insult Airlines employed to mislead its customers about its new "Toilet Class" service. The photo, which was one of several doctored by an employee in the Insult Airlines art department, depicts three passengers with smiley faces pasted on their shoulders. The photo is reportedly an attempt to convince the public that the three individuals were actually enjoying their flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam, despite the fact that their assigned seats were located in the Coach-Class restroom.

The latest photo is the second to surface since Insult Air released a similar photo showing only two passengers sporting huge smiles while seated in "Toilet Class." That photo, experts say, was also a fraud.

"Apparently, the airline had graphic artists working around the clock to defraud the public and sell tickets to this horror show," said John D. Lay, an airline industry analyst. "But this latest photo is beyond ridiculous."

The photograph scandal, which has been come to be known as "PhotoshopGate," was revealed when an Insult Air passenger released a similar photograph taken with her camera phone. Unlike the promotional photo (top), the passenger's photo (below) depicted three uncomfortable, highly distressed, passengers seated next to the Coach-Class restroom commode. As that photo was being taken, a severely airsick passenger was also apparently vomiting and making a huge mess on the restroom floor.

"We thought we were gonna die, Dude," said one passenger. "The smell was totally gnarley. I'm just glad to be in Amsterdam where we can forget about it and shmoke shom weed."

Up until recently, Insult Airlines has refused to comment on the scandal. However, late last night, company spokesman Kurt Reply announced that the airline is conducting its own investigation into charges of photoshop abuse.

"In our opinion, the camera phone photo appears to be the fraudulent one," said Reply. "As you can plainly see, the young woman is merely on her knees because she's searching for a lost diamond which she obviously stole from someone in First Class."

Though Insult Airlines normally treats its Coach-Class passengers like the worst scum on earth, it has gained a worldwide reputation for treating its First Class passengers like Kings and Queens.

"Each passenger gets a king size bed, a jewelled crown, and a thrown made of blue diamonds," said Reply. "I guess the lady in the picture stole a jewel from one of the crowns up in First Class and then lost it in the restroom. Serves her right!"

Asked to explain the passengers' obvious sick faces and the apparent pools of vomit on the restroom floor, Reply said the airline is preparing a response which it will issue shortly.

"Obviously, the lady was drinking some bizarre cocktail and spilled it when she dropped the stolen diamond. The guys faces are actually painted because, you know -- they're weirdos. Weirdos do stuff like that."

Photographic experts have also noted, with respect to the magazine photo, that the three passengers' faces appear to have been replaced with smiley faces. Reply said that allegation is "a lie."

"Ok, I admit they look alike, said Reply. "But they're probably related. They are obviously identical triplets. Next question?"

"Photoshopgate" is the latest controversy involving the controversial airline, which has vowed to cram more passengers aboard its jets than any other airline. Insult Air has tried to divert attention away from the scandal by focusing on accusations it recently made against a competitor, Nutsobad Air. Insult has alleged that Nutsobad's CEO, Oliver Klozov, made death and kidnap threats against Insult Air's CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended when he compared Ahphended to Charges Lindbergh, whose child was kidnapped and murdered in 1932. Though Ahphended stated that he did not believe that Klozov intended any harm, Ahphended again said today he considered the remarks "unfortunate" and that he understood why so many people still considered Klozov to be a kidnapper and murderer.

"It's going to take the public a long time to come around and forgive Mr. Klozov for his unfortunate remarks," said Ahphended. "I suspect the whole thing will be completely forgotten sometime after the busy holiday travel season on Labor Day weekend. The country needs time to heal."

Uproar Over Lindbergh Comment Continues

Anonymous sources today continued to express outrage over last week's comments by Nutsobad Airlines CEO Oliver Klozov, despite the fact that the target of those comments has vowed to put the matter behind him. During a speech before the Airline Satisfaction Society (ASS), Nutsobad CEO Klozov compared Insult Airlines CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh, saying that both men had a great impact on the history of air travel. Though the comments appeared to be relatively benign and actually complimentary, Insult Airline staffers, none of whom would reveal their names, expressed outrage, accusing Klozov of sending out an "invitation to kidnap and murder."

"Many of us still remember the Lindbergh kidnapping-murder and how horrible it all was for the country," said one Insult Staffer, identified as Mr. X. "To resurrect Lindbergh's name is tantamount to bringing up the kidnapping and murder and to associate that with our CEO -- that's just begging some psychopath to come forward and work his diabolical ways on our leader and his family. Klozov should be shot!"

Yesterday, Ahphended issued a statement, saying that he did not believe that Klozov wished him or his family any ill will.

"The comments were unfortunate," said Ahphended. "Very, very unfortunate. Sometimes when you are under the kind of pressure that occurs in this business, the wrong thing slips out. In this case, my colleague, Mr. Klozov, CEO of Nutsobad Airlines, our chief competitor, simply invited every mental case out there to come and murder me and my family -- and my dog. I have forgiven him for his horrible remark which I'm sure he made only because he's probably suffering from some mental illness."

Ahfended followed his remarks by releasing medical records from his personal physician, Dr. Pai Dolf. Ahphended claims the records show that, unlike, Klozov, he suffers from no mental illness and is not prone to kidnapping, torturing, or murdering little children.

"Just unfortunate," said Ahphended, for the two hundredth time. "These comments have no place in our business where mothers and fathers need to be able to trust us not to kidnap and murder their children."

Yesterday, Nutsobad's stock fell sharply, to under $.01 a share. Insult's stock rose from $2.00 to $10.00 on news that the airline had essentially taken away all of Nutsobad's customers during the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend.

"Despite the horrible remarks made by Nutsobad's CEO, which I forgive, we had a good weekend," said Ahphended. "But let's not dwell on this controversy anymore. Let's give it a rest at least until the July 4th holiday. If people are still worried about Nutsobad Airlines then, we'll issue another statement about how unfortunate the comments were and how scared people are about flying on an airline that advocates kidnapping, torture and murder."

[Above: Another artist rendering of what Klozov was allegedly insinuating during his ASS speech, i.e. kidnapping innocent children at gunpoint: Sketch courtesy Insult Air Art Department]

Insult Air Chief Alleges Competitor Issued Kidnap/Death Threat

Insult Airlines President and CEO Haigh Lee Ahphended today called for a federal investigation into remarks made last week by Nutsobad Airways President Oliver Klozov, remarks which Insult Air staffers allege were designed to incite kidnappers and murderers to kidnap, torture, and kill Ahphended's child. On Thursday, the day before the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend, Insult Air staffers publicly alleged that Klozov made death and kidnap threats towards Ahphended during a recent speech before the Airline Satisfaction Society (ASS) when he compared Ahphended to aviation hero Charles Lindbergh.

According to a transcript of the ASS event, Klozov made the following statement:

"Mr. Ahphended certainly has made his mark in airline history with his bold and groundbreaking cost cutting measures. He's greatly increased the number of passengers seated in coach, even going so far as to seat travellers in the restroom. Though they will be remembered differently, Mr. Ahphended and Charles Lindbergh have both had a dramatic impact on air travel."

According to Insult Air staffers, who asked not to be identified, Klozov's mention of Charles Lindbergh was offensive, inappropriate, inciteful, and threatening.

"Everyone knows what happened to the Lindbergh baby," said one staffer, identified only as "Flunky," "Mr. Klozov was clearly trying to incite someone to kidnap Mr. Ahphended's child and then kill him just like they did to Lucky Lindy's kid. It's horrible and sick."

Asked to comment on the controversy, Klozov said he didn't know what all the fuss was about. "What?" he said.

Though Ahphended has not personally condemned Klozov's remarks, he has called them "unfortunate."

"Mr. Klozov's reference to me and a horrible American tragedy has no place in the airline business," said Ahphended. "I'm sure he didn't intend his remarks to cause me or my defenseless little baby any harm despite the fact that the great Charles Lindbergh's poor little child was kidnapped and brutally murdered. I'm sure it was just an unfortunate and poor choice of inciteful, threatening words. It was just very unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate. But that's just my opinion, others have taken another view and here they are."

"Klozov is a kidnapper and murderer," said one anonymous staffer.

"He should be strung up and hanged," said another.

The uproar over Klozov's remarks has apparently had a devastating effect on Nutsobad's sales over the Memorial Day weekend. Nutsobad reports that fallout over the controversy has cut sales by 90%. Some travellers say they don't trust an airline that promotes the kidnapping and murder of little children.

"Insult Air jams us two to a seat like Sardines, sticks us in the restroom, and feeds us nothing. But at least it won't kidnap and murder our poor children," said Pay Myass, a mother of three crying kids.

"That Klozov guy should be put away. What a sicko," said Lance Boyle. "I haven't heard his explanation but I don't need to. Insult Air's 20 minute infomercial and billboards on the way to the airport gave me all the information that I need to make a decision about which airline I'm gonna fly."

"What on earth are they talking about?" said Klozov.

This morning, Nutsobad Air issued a statement, attempting to calm the uproar over Klozov's remarks.

"Mr. Klozov compared Mr. Ahphended to Charles Lindbergh. He didn't say 'kidnap Mr. Aphended's child and murder him.' You people are obviously having a slow news day. What ever happened to Memorial Day traffic? That's a good story."

"Very, very, very unfortunate remarks," repeated Ahphended. "I just hope that we can put this issue behind us. The Memorial Day weekend is almost over and our planes will be bringing all these folks home. We need to concentrate on serving our loyal customers. Perhaps we can revisit this issue in a few months, let's say, right before the July 4 weekend? Emotions are running so high right now. I don't want our competitor to suffer because of what might be a misunderstanding. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding but I'm giving Klozov the benefit of the doubt. It was just very, very, very, very, unfortunate. Very unfortunate!"

[Pictured above: Artist depiction of what Klozov was referring to when he compared CEO Ahphended with Charles Lindbergh; courtesy of anonymous Insult Airlines Art Department Employee]

EXCLUSIVE: INSULT AIR CAUGHT IN PHOTOSHOP SCHEME

Just one day after promoting its new "Toilet Class" accommodations with photographs showing delighted passengers, Insult Airlines finds itself in the middle of yet another scandal. Today, officials announced that the airline is being investigated for doctoring promotional photos in order to sway the public in favor of its new policy of assigning some passengers to sit in in the Coach-Class restroom.

According to photographic experts, yesterday's depiction of two Insult Air passengers, presumably enjoying a flight in the airline's new "Toilet Class" section, was digitally altered through the use of a widely available computer graphics program.

"The public got badly photoshopped on that one," said T. Hick Glasses, a widely respected computer expert. "This really stinks."

The revelation came to light when a passenger aboard yesterday's flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam submitted a photo taken with her camera phone. That photo (top) reveals three highly distressed passengers crammed into the aircraft's Coach-Class restroom. The photo also depicts a female passenger vomiting in the restroom toilet.

"This is probably the most unethical thing I've ever seen an airline do, and I've seen plenty of unethical things," said John D. Lay, an industry analyst. According to D. Lay, Insult Air has crossed a line that few airlines had been willing to cross.

"If you look at the two photos on top of each other," said D. Lay, "you'll see that Insult Air digitally removed one of the passengers to cover up the horrible overcrowding situation. (See lower photo). Then, the airline had the audacity to erase the poor, sick lady and the disgusting mess she created. Then, as if all that wasn't enough, Insult Air pastes ridiculous smiles on the passengers' faces like they're having a good time sitting next to the commode. Give me a break!"

Though at least one "Toilet Class" passenger yesterday described the flight as "gnarley," the initial reaction to the new initiative, at worst, appeared to be mixed. However, according to D. Lay, who investigates instances of Airline fraud, Insult Air apparently bribed those passengers so they would change their stories.

"I spoke with all three of those guys and they said it was the worst flight ever," said D. Lay.

One of the passengers, identified only as "Dude," said he tempered his remarks after Insult Air offered to give him some spending money while in Amsterdam.

"Dude, we just wanted to come to Amsterdam to puff n stuff," said Dude. "But, Dude, we spent all our money in the San Fran airport on video games, Dude. Thanks to Insult Air, Dude, we bought a big bag of killer weed when we got here, Dude. Huh-huh-huh, Dude! It was killer, Dude! Dude?"

The passenger whose image was digitally removed from the Insult Air promotional photo said he was unaware of Insult Air's actions.

"I was just trying to totally hold my breath during the whole flight," said Roland Papers. "The smell was so harsh. I think I totally passed out."

The other passenger, Stone de Ghen, says he regrets not telling the truth about the flight.

"It reminded me of this Rage Against the Machine concert I once went to," said de Ghen. "I was inside the port-a-potty and these dudes flipped me upside down. I was totally covered in poo. It was gross, man! That flight totally gave me flashbacks!"