Hoax Sign May Have Caused Imbecile Deaths

A sign purporting to direct motorists to a "pretty girl" may have been a factor in the two crashes last week that killed four imbeciles and ritically injured four others last week. Fuking Beach Police Detective Noah Klu says investigators have recovered time lapse photographs showing the second car of imbeciles careening over the cliff at the end of Geronimo Road. The first photograph depicts the car passing a sign that reads "Pretty Girl Straight Ahead." In the second photograph, the imbeciles' vehicle crashes through a barrier and warning sign that reads "Road Ends DANGER."

"I reckon they was fixated on the sign about the pretty girl and just kept on driving. That's what I think," said Klu, who has yet to solve his first case. "They must of thought that there was a pretty girl waiting for em at the end of the road. Tough break."

Det. Klu says the photographs may be used as evidence against the individual who constructed the hoax sign. Detectives speculate that the imbeciles were the victims of an elaborate set up.

Residents who live along Geronimo Road have complained about the imbeciles for years. Police released more than 5000 complaints today in which residents reported incidences of loud music, harassing female pedestrians, littering, and other anti-social behavior.

"They were a menace," said one resident who asked to remain anonymous. "They whistled everytime they saw a woman walking down the street. They urinated out of the car windows. They were disgusting."

Given that the imbeciles were so disliked, Detective Klu speculates that the investigation will be concluded without anyone being charged.

"Whoever planted that sign did the community a huge favor," said Det. Klu. "It's going to be near impossible to find someone on the jury who will want to convict."

Second Car Of Imbeciles Goes Over Cliff

In what can only be described as a bizarre coincidence, a second car full of imbeciles went over Dumbass Cliff yesterday, plunging more than 200 feet into the ocean below. Like last week, the imbeciles were riding in a 1990 Ford Escort, which was modified to look as ridiculous as possible. Also, just like last week, the driver careened over the cliff, apparently ignoring all signs indicating that the road was about to end.

"It was a freak accident," said Fuking Beach Sheriff's Deputy Duncan Donutz, "A bunch of freaks killed in an accident!"

Deputy Donutz said all four imbeciles were probably drowned. According to the victims' relatives, who asked not to be identified because the imbeciles were so notoriously obnoxious, none of the victims knew how to swim.

"They loved the ocean," said one relative, identified as Jane D. "But only to the extent they could cruise the main beach strip, ogling at girls in bikinis. When it came to swimming, they didn't have a clue."

According to Deputy Donutz, the victims' lives might have been spared if they had been able to tread water until rescuers arrived. Apparently, a rescue boat was on the scene within two minutes.

"They coulda dog paddled and still been alive today," he said. "I guess a dog has more sense then they did."

This morning, a memorial service was scheduled for the victims but was cancelled due to lack of interest.

"About the only friends they had were the other four imbeciles who went over the cliff last week. But they're still in the hospital on life support," said Deputy Donutz.

"Actually," said Jane D., "it's a big relief. Those boys were so annoying. The neighbors were constantly threatening to burn my house down every time they came around."

In memory of the duel crashes, Fuking Beach has organized a special service for this weekend. The event has tentatively been titled "The Big Fun Festival Carnival and Celebration" but organizers are considering toning down the celebratory implications out of respect for the victims.

"We don't want to seem like we're gloating that these clods are finally out of our hair for good," said Byrum N. Koke, the event chairman. "So we're going to keep the parade down to under 100 floats. Of course, we'll still have plenty of clowns, acrobats, and rides. It will be a good opportunity for people to get together and grieve."

Police Say Alcohol, Stupidity Played Role In Beach Crash

A spokesman for the Fuking Beach County Sheriff's Department confirmed today that alcohol and stupidity played significant roles in last week's crash that severely injured four imbeciles. Deputy Sheriff Duncan Donutz said numerous beer bottles were found at the crash scene, which was was located approximately 200 feet below the site where the imbeciles careened over a steep cliff at the end of Geronimo Road.

According to Deputy Donutz, the 1990 Ford Escort, which had been modified to look as ridiculous as possible, went over Dumass Cliff, which is heavily marked with signs warning drivers that the road is ending.

"I reckon they just didn't see the sign," said Deputy Donutz. "They just having a good ole time and not paying attention to nothing."

All four imbeciles remain in intensive care in critical condition at Hope Ya Dysoon Hospital in Fucking Beach. Though none of the imbeciles showed any brain activity as of last night, doctors are not particularly alarmed.

"We've compared some of the CTSCANs with prior ones and noticed there was no change," said Dr. Al "Berry" Yoo. "In my opinion, the lack of brain activity was a pre-existing condition and can't really be blamed on the accident."

This morning, police said they found flowers scattered around the crash site. Originally, they thought well wishers were erecting a small memorial for the victims, but it was later learned that the flowers were the result of a romantic squabble that occurred several hours before the car went over the cliff.

"This guy brought his girlfriend some flowers to the beach," said Deputy Donutz. "But then he tried to get her to take her top off, so she told him to take the flowers and shove 'em and tossed them on the ground. Turns out it had nothing to do with the crash at all!"

The victims' acquaintances describe them as loud, obnoxious, and immature. Some said privately that the crash couldn't have happened to a bigger bunch of annoying idiots.

"It's weird," said one ex-friend of the driver, who asked not to be identified. "You see morons like that driving down the road and you start fantasizing about how cool it would be if they suddenly went over a cliff. Well, now you have it."

Car Full of Imbeciles Goes Over Cliff; No One Cares

This just in. Fuking Beach Police report that a car full of imbeciles careened over a cliff on Geronimo Road this afternoon, plunging some 200 feet into the rocky coastline below. Details are still sketchy, but early reports indicate that no one cares. The imbeciles, whose names are being withheld pending notification of someone who might care, suffered severe head injuries which apparently had no effect on their intelligence. Witnesses say the imbeciles were ogling a pretty girl who was walking down Geronimo Road when the driver apparently failed to see a large sign which reads "Danger: Road Ends."
According to witnesses, the imbeciles are well known in the Fuking Beach community for their loud music and rude behavior. Said one resident, "They will be sorely missed...NOT!"

Candidates Ratchet Up Campaign Ads; Critics Say Campaign Is Getting Negative

Both candidates for the 2008 Presidential election released their new campaign ads today, fueling speculation that the upcoming campaign is starting to take on slightly negative overtones. Though spokespersons from both campaigns disagreed, critics say the candidates are beginning to drift from their original promises to run a positive race and keep the focus solely on their personal platforms.

For instance, the latest Obama ad depicts Republican Nominee John McCain strangling an infant. The caption reads: "Our children's future is at stake, are you willing to trust it to a BABY KILLER?" According to an Obama campaign spokeswoman, the ad is a reference to McCain's stint in the Viet Nam war, in which he was responsible for bombing villages, some containing North Vietnamese families.

"We're just pointing out the facts," said Anita Brane, Campaign Co-chair. "Senator McCain touts his record as a Viet Nam vet but never mentions that the bombs he dropped caused people to be burned to death."

The McCain camp has countered with an ad depicting Senator Barack Obama as a devil. The caption reads, "It's November 5 and Barack Obama has just been elected president. Welcome to Hell!!!!!!"

McCain campaign staffers deny that the ad is negative. Instead, they point out that it simply reminds voters that Obama is the anti-Christ.

"There's nothing negative about being Satan. Just ask all of his worshippers," said Dee Nile, McCain party spokeswoman. "We just think it's important for voters to know that Senator Obama is evil incarnate, that's all."

Critics point out that both ads put too much emphasis on the candidate's opponent, a sign that the campaign may be heading in a slightly negative direction.

"Unfortunately, instead of talking about themselves, the candidates are talking only about their opponents. This is a disturbing trend," said Heja Wyjablome, a media critic. "For instance, instead of calling John McCain a baby killer, Obama should have a picture of himself kissing a baby. The caption could read, 'I love children, but John McCain wants to burn your kids to death like he did in Viet Nam.'"

Wyjablome had a similar suggestion for the McCain campaign.

"He could have a picture of himself up in heaven, with a halo over his head. The caption could read, 'Barack Obama may be a forked tongued demon from Hades, but I'm a saint. So I'm not sweating it up here in paradise.'"

Obama staffers are quick to point out that the baby strangling ad was the result of a compromise between bickering advertising agencies.

"One agency wanted to show McCain exterminating all the Jews but we thought that might be a little misleading," said Brane.

Nile said the McCain camp faced a similar dilemma.

"Originally, we had Obama flying the second plane that struck the World Trade Center, and then jumping out with a parachute right before the impact. Some staffers thought that was a bit much. Hey, we all know Obama was responsible for 9-11, but there just wasn't enough proof to show that he was flying that particular aircraft."

Gay Rights Groups Pushing for Obama on $3 Bill

In the wake of the firestorm over whether Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama's image should appear on the dollar bill, several gay rights groups are calling for Obama to appear on a new $3 bill. The idea surfaced when Obama claimed that Republicans were uncomfortable electing a president who didn't look like the presidents on "those dollar bills." That caused the McCain camp to accuse Obama of playing the race card. Obama then attempted to clarify his remarks by stating that Republicans are uncomfortable with him "appearing" on a dollar bill. The McCain camp countered by saying, "that's not what you said, Obama." Obama then came back with, "well, that's what I meant." The McCain campaign then issued a press release accusing Obama of being a flip-flop. Obama then called McCain an old grump who still thinks he's fighting the Viet Nam War. The two candidates were scheduled to fight it out in the schoolyard but Obama backed out, saying that beating up McCain wasn't worth the effort. McCain responded by making "buck-buck" sounds, imitating a chicken.

At any rate, the dollar bill controversy seems to have sparked a call for Obama to adorn a brand new piece of U.S. currency, a three dollar bill. The proposal has also garnered the support of the Obama campaign, which views the idea as a great publicity tool.

"Just imagine," said Anita Brane, head of the Obama for Change Committee, "We can have slogans like - 'when you spend the Obama Bill, you always get Change. Isn't that creative?"

"No," said a McCain staffer. "It's ridiculous."

Many gay rights groups have been pushing the Treasury to design a $3 bill for several years. The National United Tolerance Committee Association for a Sane Environment (NUTCASE) believes that this latest controversy may be the perfect opportunity to push the idea through.

"We just think it make sense," said Percy Fledgefoot, resident of NUTCASE. "Actually, it makes 300 cents! Hee hee! Oh my! I made a funny!"

"Jesus," said another McCain staffer. "Why us?"

Meanwhile, Obama appears to have shifted his position on off-shore oil drilling, saying he would approve the the initiative if it was included in a broader package of making America more energy self-sufficient. The McCain campaign labeled Obama's shift as yet another "flip-flop."

"He's a flip-flop," said Reid Undant, chairman of the committee to Elect John McCain in the Face of Insurmountable Odds. "He's got more flip-flops than a Miami Beach surf shop."

Obama countered Undant's remark, noting that if Republicans saw him buying flip-flops in a Miami Beach surf shop, they would be uncomfortable.

"There he goes again, playing the race card," said Undant. "The next thing he's going to say is that if Republicans saw him at NASCAR, they would be uncomfortable. That would be like playing the race-race card. Hee hee. Oh my. I made a funny!"

Obama Says Voters Are Scared Of Having Him On $1 Bill

Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama says voters are uneasy with him being on the one dollar bill. Obama made the remark during a rally last night with supporters in Washington, D.C. , standing in front of the United States Mint.

"John McCain and his followers would have you believe that this country is not ready for someone like me to adorn our currency," said Obama. "It's time for a change."

McCain supporters say they don't know what their opponant is talking about.

"That guy is always whining about something," said one McCain staffer. "Why would anyone put him on the one dollar bill? It's absurd."

Last week, an Obama staffer accused Republicans of trying to scare voters by suggesting Obama "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills."

That prompted the McCain camp to suggest that Obama was playing the race card. The Obama campaign denied it was referring to race, then admitted that race was exactly what they were referring to. Facing pressure from voters who are tired of hearing about race, the Obama camp switched positions again and tried to re-clarify the remark.


"What we were trying to say is that Republicans are more comfortable with a president who looks like the presidents on dollar bills," said an Obama spokesman, back peddling.

For instance, Republicans want to elect someone who looks like George Washington, you know, someone who wears a powdered wig."

The spokesman added that Republicans also like presidents with funny beards, like Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, and Ulysses Grant, who appear on the five, twenty, and fifty dollar bills, respectively.

Asked if Obama thought Republicans were more interested in electing someone who looks like Alexander Hamilton, who appears on the ten dollar bill, the spokesman agreed.

"President Hamilton look more like what Republicans are interested in," he said. "But Americans are ready for change."

After a week of trading insults over the remark, Obama rephrased his remarks, stating that Republicans aren't comfortable with his image being on the one dollar bill. A Republican spokesman responded by pointing out that only dead persons are ever placed on U.S. currency. That prompted the Obama campaign to accuse the McCain campaign of wishing for Obama's assasination.

"Mr. McCain's remarks were unfortunate," said Obama.